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Sixty-nine bloody hot dogs!!!

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted July 06, 2013
a gurgitator's view of the stage
A gurgitator's view: How many could you do? © Pablo Martinez

Jaws wins seventh Nathan's on the trot with new world record while the Lovely comes within a gnat's bawhair of beating the Black Widow.

Major League Eating's (MLE) number one food destroyer Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut has powered his way to eternal glory at this year's Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, Noi Yoik, US of A with a truly stunning display of gurgitatory greatness.

In a beautifully choreographed ballet of the bouche yesterday (4/7/13), the world's preeminent pabulum pummeller pulled off what was arguably his most exquisite engorgement to date, dancing down the dogs to slay the record of 68 hot dogs and buns (HDBs) he set in 2009 and then equalled last year on the hallowed stage at the corner of Surf and Sitwell, pushing back the boundaries of physical endurance and mental dexterity to chalk up a brand new world record of 69 sausage and bun things in just 10 minutes.


F--king hell!

What a trooper.

Admittedly, we didn't get to see any of it live, mind, but not because you couldn't stream it over the interweb in the UK.

Rather, just seconds before the MLE-sanctioned 10-minute all-you-can-eat gobathon bit off, the Rake & Herald office was bathed in an eerie blue light in prelude to us being beamed aboard an extraterrestrial spaceship from the fifth dimension piloted by a bunch of orange-skinned bulbous-headed toothbrush-like things with curiously attractive faces akin to a lump of phlegm baked in the oven.

However, thanks to our hosts' unfeasibly advanced technology and a 56k dial-up modem they nicked from Area 51, we were nevertheless able to watch Jaws' victory of victories on YouTube shortly afterwards.

Thus we can confirm to all and sundry, including the 40,000 or so people who watched the face-stuffing unfold before their very eyes amid temperatures of around 32°C, that Jaws not only set a thundering new record but also racked up his seventh straight Nathan's win to trump the six in a row achieved by Japanese eating sensation Takeru 'the Tsunami' Kobayashi between the years 2001 and 2006.

But that's not all.

For while we may now be on board a spaceship shaped like a used condom bound for the planet Traxoot, we still have our spies among you.

Yes, Earthlings, we are watching you.

Studying you.

Learning your ways.

And more importantly, watching your television and interwebs, with MLE gurgitator Tracy 'Mmm Mmm' Goode reporting in his first report as an official Rake & Herald reporter that Jaws has also now become "the first eater to break 400 career hot dogs in Nathan's finals".

"That was the most exciting contest I've seen in a while," Mmm Mmm reports, duly earning his place on one of our rescue ships when the Earth is destroyed by flying snakes from Perineum 5.

"MLE knows how to put on a show!"

Too damn right.

And these sentiments are clearly echoed by MLE chairman and emcee extraordinaire George Shea, who, while not an official Rake & Herald reporter like Mmm Mmm, nonetheless exclusively reports to the Rake & Herald via that Twitter thing so popular on your backward planet: "Anyone who watched that victory witnessed the triumph of the human spirit."

"It was a clinic on how to be heroic."



Understatement more like.

That was flippin' ace, Jaws.

You must be well chuffed.

And if not, we bloody are.

nathan's stage
The hallowed stage: What the punters saw. © MLE

But while it was ultimately Jaws who once more lifted the coveted Mustard Belt and pocketed the top prize of $10,000 (£6,706), this year's Nathan's showdown also saw food-themed fireworks flying from the throats of the other gallant gurgitators who stood like giants on that momentous day of masticatory magic.

No doubt powered on by the knowledge that Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok Wang has his name tattooed across his knuckles, Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie wasted no time in chalking up his highest score in the discipline yet.

Wolfing down 51 HDBs to surpass the splendid 47 he scarfed at the recent Boston qualifier, the 21-year-old San Jose superscoffer not only landed the silver gong and wonga worth $5,000, but also jumped two places up the table from last year, leapfrogging, or more correctly leaptoading, the 2012 second-placer and reigning world belching champ Tim 'Eater X' Janus, who gourmandised 50 HDBs to grab $2,500 for third.

Meanwhile, Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt snared $1,500 for his belly bounty of 39.75, with Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan going home $1,000 better off after shoving 38 HDBs down his trap.

"I am in great shape for me both in a physical sense and an eating shape sense," Notorious B.O.B. exclusively facebookates the Rake & Herald.

"I was well prepared for the contest [but] I didn't execute."

"Not sure what happened but it wasn't my day."

"Big congrats to Joey, Matt, Tim and Adrian, who managed to get the job done."

"Also to the rest of the field as everyone at that table is at the top of the [competitive eating] game."

"Many people try but that table truly held the best of the best."

"It was an honour as always to be accepted by these legends and soon-to-be-legends of the game."

"The crowd was electric and it felt magical to be there."

"[There's] something about seeing 40,000 people taking time out if their lives just to support something you are involved with."

"While I was disappointed with my number, I am forever richer through the experience and friendships both new and old that I had [yesterday]."

One Nathan's finalist who was clearly pleased with his gut count was Yasir Salem, who upped his showing from 25 HDBs last year to 30 and in so doing finished eighth.

"I'm really happy with my performance," he exclusively facebookates the Rake & Herald.

"I wanted to take it up a notch at the finals with a 30+ figure."

"[There were] so many great moments in this contest: Joey breaking the world record; Matt and Tim battling it out until the last moment; Sonya ['the Black Widow' Thomas] winning her third title."

"The top women numbers were great!"

"I'm really excited about all the new blood."

"Juan ['More Bite' Rodrigues], Marcos ['the Monster' Owens], Jeff ['the Beast Man' Butler], Pablo ['Pabs' Martinez] and Ronnie ['Mega Byte' Hartman] all did great."

"I can't wait to see what these guys will do in contests this year and next."

"This year was just as exhilarating for me as it was last year."

"There's no experience quite like being on stage at Nathan's!"

"It felt absolutely amazing to be on stage – words can not describe [it]," Pabs, who scoffed 27 HBDs to place 11th, concurs in another exclusive facebookularisation with the Rake & Herald.

That said, Pabs was nonetheless "a little disappointed with [his] performance".

"I really wanted to hit mid-30s but I think the heat and my nervousness got to me."

"All the competitors I met were awesome on a personal and competitive level."

"I look forward to coming back next year and improving my performance."

And so do we, sir.

But, of course, Nathan's isn't just about a load of hairy great blokes shoving grub down their gobs as fast as they possibly can.

It's also about women doing it too.

And what's more, this year's Women's food fight, staged shortly before the Men's mandible match, proved to be the closest run one since the sexes were first wrenched asunder back in 2011.

For while this year's Top Five was identical to last year's, 'the Lovely' Juliet Lee came within just three quarters of an HDB of dethroning the current reigning queen and the Rake & Herald's all-time favourite alimentary athlete, the wonderful, the fantastic, the fantastically wonderful Black Widow, or Czarna Wdowa as they call her in Poland.

Oh yes, that's right.

In what could easily have been the upset of the millennium if not the past three years, the Black Widow retained her crown, sceptre and robes of office with an engobulation of 36.75 HDBs to the Lovely's 36.

The Women's contest "was even more exciting" than the Men's, Mmm Mmm reports, adding that he only wishes "it would have been televised".

As do all aboard the SS Weather Balloon, as our pencil-lead-powered cosmic conveyance is called, for when we trawled around the vastness of cyberspace from the vastness of deep space, we couldn't find hide nor hair of it.

But hang on.

Thirty-six and three quarters?

That's well down on the 45 the Black Widow crammed down her craw last year to set a new Women's world record.

So what the hairy pant knackers happened?

Well, desperate for answers, we decided not to look at the Black Widow's website, where she states that "from the very beginning the concentration was just not there" and that she "never found [her] rhythm", but instead ask Quarg, the SS Weather Balloon's science officer and part-time plumber, who, after some considerable consideration, telepathically imparted the following: "Perhaps she ate fewer hot dogs and buns this year."

And you know, what?

He's f--king right!

Bloody hell, these Traxootians are smart.

No wonder they all drive around in hover cars and have irons with cords that don't get all twisted up and annoying every time you use them.

Oh yes, this abduction's going to be the best one yet!

Especially as they have these really snazzy calculators that let you do sums and stuff 'at the touch of a button'.

Which is precisely why I can now declare without a shadow of a doubt that the Black Widow's stomach stats were this year down by nearly 18.3%.

Think about it.

That's nearly 18.3 out of a hundred.

Or 36.6 out of 200.


Or should I say double crikey given that all but one of the other female returnees enlarged their 2013 big-day belly bounties by at least 1.5 HDBs?

Answers on a postcard, please.

michelle cardboard shell lesco
Bronze and sponds: Cardboard Shell takes a breather. © Michelle Lesco

Whatever the reason for the Black Widow's downward dog ingestion, though, the fact remains that it was she and she alone who scooped gold, $10,000 and the right to keep her trousers up with a really big belt.

The history books of your primitive planet will also record that it was the Lovely who came second, snaffling sausage worth $5,000 while Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco placed third and thus lapped up lolly to the tune of $2,500 after devouring 27.5 HDBs.

Future generations will also look back on yesterday's Nathan's and see that Meredith 'Deep-Fried Diva' Boxberger notched up an impressive tummy tally incrementationalism of 20.9% to bag $1,500 for her graceful 26 while Larell Marie 'the Real Deal' Mele rammed 21 HDBs down her pie hole to pick up a grand for fifth.

"I was happy I increased my number but was really hoping for 30," Cardboard Shell exclusively facebookularisationalises the Rake & Herald.

"I was being really conservative with my water consumption in hope of leaving more room for hot dogs."

"But it wasn't a perfect strategy because they didn't keep us updated about how much time was left."

"So when I started kicking it in for the finish, it was a little too late."

"I left the table feeling good physically, which to me just means I didn't work hard enough."

"So I'm happy with my third place, I'm happy with increasing my number but I'm bummed that I didn't push myself to the limits or hit my personal goal."

"This second time around I was definitely more relaxed," the Deep-Fried Diva reveals in an equally exclusive twitterificationalism with the Rake & Herald.

"Each time out, I've just tried to increase my total, so I'm happy."

Meanwhile, in an exclusive emailament with the Rake & Herald, the Real Deal describes the chowdown as "nail-biting" and "edge-of-your-seat exciting as it came down to the last couple of minutes".

"I faaaaar surpassed my expectations for myself in this contest," she says.

"So [I'm] very thankful and honoured to be part of such a great American, New York tradition, being a born and bred New Yorker."

Although she didn't place in the money, Mary 'I Love 'Em Hot!' Bowers nevertheless upped her showing this year from 8.5 HDBs to 10, which works out as a mighty fine year-on-year increase of 17.6%.

"Feeling good," she exclusively twitulates the Rake & Herald.

"July 4 is a celebration after all [and there's] no better way to say happy birthday to the USA than a good hot dog or 10."

Our thoughts exactly, ma'am.

But where the hell was Miki Sudo, the woman seen by many as almost certain to set a new world record this year before she suddenly and shockingly withdrew from the running?

"I was watching it online, screaming at the screen with Molly Schuyler," she exclusively contweeturises the Rake & Herald.

So there.

Now you know.

She also asked us to pass on her "congrats" to all of yesterday's eaters, so big up yourselves from Miki, folks.

At this point I would normally be contractually obliged to hand over the mic to Kok, the bell end.

However, that's not possible right now because he's currently on the wrong end of an anal probe.

Not at the hands of our alien hosts, mind, as they don't have a concept of bottoms.

Instead, the life form ramming a rusty spanner up his ring right now is none other than Nurse Draper, the interwebular purveyor of dodgy pharmaceuticals and stolen body parts that Kok kidnapped after she threatened to blackmail me for mistakenly killing a two-foot-tall hitman and subsequent poltergeist with a poisoned pie and whose abduction from her place of employment at chainsaw point ultimately led to the armed police siege that we have only now managed to escape thanks to the quick thinking of Rake & Herald film editor Gert Stonkers, who called in the help of the aliens he had spent the past nine months living with after he mooned their UFO.

Or something.

Anyway, with Kok otherwise engaged, I reckon it must be about time for the full results based on the MLE Twitter feed.

And look!

Here they are now with a few annotations we added ourselves.

Gosh, aren't we clever.


1) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (69 HBDs in 10 minutes; $10,000 and the coveted Mustard Belt; total up from 68 HBDs last year; USA);

2) Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie (51; $5,000; up from 46; USA);

3) Tim 'Eater X' Janus (50; $2,500; down from 52.25; USA);

4) Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt (39.75; $1,500; down from 45; USA);

5) Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan (38; $1,000; up from 35; USA);

=6) Aaron 'A-Train' Osthoff (31; USA);

=6) Jeff 'the Beast Man' Butler (31; USA);

8) Yasir Salem (30; up from 25; USA);

9) Marcos 'the Monster' Owens (29; USA);

10) Erik 'the Red' Denmark (28; down from 32; USA);

11) Pablo 'Pabs' Martinez (27; USA);

12) Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez (26; USA);

13) Pete 'Pretty Boy' Davekos (25; down from 28; USA);

14) Ronnie 'Mega Byte' Hartman (22; USA);

15) Eric 'Badlands' Booker (21; down from 25.5; USA); and

16) Christos 'Hot Dog Hercules' Kyriazis (9; Canada).


1) Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas (36.75 HBDs in 10 minutes; $10,000; the coveted Mayonnaise-Mixed-With-Ketchup Belt; total down from 45 HDBs last year; USA);

2) 'The Lovely' Juliet Lee (36; $5,000; up from 33; USA);

3) Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco (27.5; $2,500; up from 25.5; USA);

4) Meredith 'Deep-Fried Diva' Boxberger (26, $1,500; up from 21.5; Canada);

5) Larell Marie 'the Real Deal' Mele (21; $1,000; down from 21.25; USA);

6) Neslie 'Sweetness' Ricasa (14; up from 9; USA);

7) Mary 'I Love 'Em Hot!' Bowers (10; up from 8.5; USA);

=8) Laura Riehman (6.5; USA); and

=8) Prudence Di Benedetto (6.5; USA).

Major pats on the back all round and hats off to all who took part in this most international of competitions.

Apparently, the guy from Liechtenstein's still on his way.

As ever, our ginormously gargantuan gratitude and thanks to George Shea, Notorious B.O.B., Yasir, Pabs, Cardboard Shell, the Deep-Fried Diva, the Real Deal, I Love 'Em Hot!, Miki and Mmm Mmm for all their exclusive quotes and/or reports.

Big, big thanks indeed!

And big thanks too to you, our cherished and beloved readers, for reading this as well as a number of mainstream media outlets that cited us in their own Nathan's reports, such as these chaps here.

Just remember 'Kok' is spelt with a K and he's a total f--king chunt.

Due to scary corporate copyright reasons and the like, we shan't be embedding any of ESPN's footage of the eating here.

However, if you have a quick scoot round YouTube, you shouldn't encounter too much difficulty locating some, although like I say, when we last looked we couldn't find anything from the Women's tooth tournament as such.

Anyway, here's a report from Sports News Television's YouTube channel that we're pretty certain we can embed without drawing anyone's ire.

Have a watch, why don't you?

It's not perfect but pretty good nonetheless.

Right, gotta go.

Kok's screams are doing my nut in.

Besides, it's dinner time out here in space.

Hot dogs and Special Brew!

What more could you want?

See also our exclusive pre-match Jaws interview, The champ gets chomping, posted 4/7/13.

To fully understand why Sandi and Kok are currently on board an alien spaceship, make sure you read Nathan's tomorrow, mind, posted 3/7/13.

Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that FaceBook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.

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