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EATING & DRINKING

Seventy sodding bratwursts!

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted October 11, 2013
Oktoberfest Zinzinnati World Bratwurst Eating Championship miki sudo sam barclay joey chestnut
Brat bashers: Miki and Jaws with emcee Sam Barclay. © Oktoberfest Zinzinnati

Jaws, Miki and the Rabbit obliterate MLE brats record; human evolutionary leap commences.


Anyone still in two minds as to whether Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut can eat should perhaps consider the following.

First of all, if he couldn't, he'd probably be dead by now, unless, of course, like certain Hindu sadhus and Rake and Herald culture editor DJ NRG Raver he can subsist solely on the prana in sunlight.

Secondly, bratwursts.

Yes, you heard me, bratwursts.

Those classic German sausage jobbies.

Or should I say, those classic German sausage jobbies of which Jaws devoured a flippin' humungous 70 in 10 minutes to win the Oktoberfest Zinzinnati World Bratwurst Eating Championship in Cincinnati, Ohio this past Sunday (22/9/13)?

Yes, seventy.

Seven-oh.

SEVENTY.

SEVENTY FOR F--K'S SAKE!!!

To put that into context, going into that particular Major League Eating- (MLE) sanctioned bout of brat bashing, the record stood at 42, established by Jaws himself back in 2010.

That's right, he upped his own record from 42 to 70, a whopping great increase of 66.7%.

Basically, that would be a bit like Usain Bolt turning up at the park in his vest and underpants and running the 100 metres in 6.39 seconds as opposed to 9.53, the current world best he set in 2009, apparently.

But that's not all because if you were to lay all those bratwursts end to end, they would reach to the Moon and back FOURTEEN TIMES!

Or am I thinking of elephants?

Either way, that's a shedload of brats.

The thing is, though, while Jaws rightly walked away from the table with golden guilder worth $1,000 (£622) and, quite possibly, a slightly distended belly, he wasn't alone in whipping the pants off his old record.

Oh no sireee, Bob.

For at that very same chowdown, in that very same city, at that very same table and at that very same point in time, rocketing rookie Miki Sudo shoved a bloody great 61.5 down her gob to snaffle silver sausage worth $500 while Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan mauled 46 to liberate $300 for third, giving them recordsmashingisationalisms of 46.4% and 9.5%, respectively.

What's more, the last time William 'Wild Bill' Myers appeared at this event in 2011, he gourmandised 15 of the things to place fourth.

This year, he not only placed fourth again and thus earned himself a tidy $200, but he did so with a gut count of 21.25, a mighty fine engobulation growth of 43.3%.

However, Jaws and Wild Bill certainly weren't the only returnees to enlarge their engorgements, by crikey, with a quick glance at the 2012, 2011 and 2010 results on the ever excellent Eat Feats database revealing a clear upward trend across the board.


Oktoberfest Zinzinnati World Bratwurst Eating Championship joey jaws chestnut
Winning ways: Jaws in action. © Oktoberfest Zinzinnati


A GOLDEN AGE APPROACHES
But what does it all mean?

How can not one but three people smash a record so convincingly at the same sitting?

Is this proof of evolution in action or were the brats this year imbued with some mysterious death wish that saw them throwing themselves down the throats of the assembled eaters like so many suicidal salmon on the spawn?

To find out once and for all, we did what all good investigative journalists do in such a situation.

We asked a bloke down the pub.

But not any old bloke and not any old pub, mind.

For as those of you who have read our fan-flippin'-tastic Ian's Pizza National Pizza Eating Championship report should be aware, Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok 'Bell End' Wang and myself are right now pissing it up in the Kingdom of Agartha, a land deep within the Hollow Earth lit by a dim central sun and populated by a race of giants that predate humans by a full one million years.

In fact, so evolved are the locals down here that as well as zipping around in flying discs called flügelrads they have also developed some of the cheapest pubs in the galaxy, pubs where Special Brew is sold on tap around the clock, with every fifth pint not only free, but served with a complimentary packet of peanuts to boot.

Yes, they really are that advanced.

Take, for example, Derhorzesmowf, the 12-foot-tall (3.7 m) landlord of the Admiral Byrd Arms to whom our questions seem dreadfully simple as we slump over our 14th round of Special Brew with Special Brew chasers.

"It's obviously the manifestation of evolution," he says, prodding Kok with a pool cue to see if he's still breathing.

"These gurgitators just keep on getting betterer and betterer, constantly pushing back the boundaries of human endurance, you see."

"Think about it."

"All you have to do is look at the rookies you've had in the last couple of years."

"In All Pro Eating (APE) last year, there was Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald, who appeared out of nowhere and immediately started ripping up the record books left, right and centre."

"Now there's Molly Schuyler, who's already been named as the APE number two food warrior and the world's number one female independent competitive eater."

"And then this year in MLE, you've got Miki Sudo, who in 11 championships since joining the League back in April has racked up multiple victories over both Jaws and the Hollow Earth's all-time favourite alimentary athlete Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas while never once placing lower than third."

"Clearly the surface world is on the brink of a major evolutionary leap forward."

"It's poised on the cusp of a new age of enlightenment and understanding, and as competitive eating is by its very nature the greatest sport in the entire Multiverse it only make sense that this momentous shift should make itself felt there first."

"So yeah, it's evolution in action."

"These gurgitators are at the vanguard of a new epoch, a new era of unimaginable heights in physical, mental and spiritual development, a new golden era if you will."

"Now can you please take your mate outside?"

"He's come through at the back and it's dripping all over the carpet."

So there you have it, straight from Derhorzesmowf, it's evolution in action, pure and simple.

But what do the brat-bashing gurgitators themselves have to say on the matter and how does wolfing down these wondrous Teutonic meat treats stack up against other sausage-based disciplines, such as hot dogs or pepperoni rolls?

"How the f--k should I know?"

"Now get that prick out of here before he shits himself again."


Oktoberfest Zinzinnati World Bratwurst Eating Championship trcay goode miki sudo the bear adrian morgan
Our man at the front: Mmm Mmm with the Bear, Miki and the Rabbit. © Tracy Goode


THE WORD FROM THE TABLE
Unperturbed, we wasted no time in getting on the interweb in search of the answers that had so far eluded us.

Well, I did.

Kok was outside, chucking up on a bicycle.

"I didn't expect that eating brats in competition would be anything like hot dogs or pepperoni rolls, so I approached it differently from the start," Miki exclusively informs the Rake & Herald via that there Twitter doobery.

"Whereas Joey and Adrian were eating two at once, I knew I could only eat one at a time, given the thickness and outer texture of the brats."

"It felt like a risk, knowing that they might be ahead of me in the beginning, but I had to go with a style that would work for me."

"Joey's performance was phenomenal, not just because 70 brats amount to a whole lot of food, but also because it was a staggering improvement on his prior performances at Zinzinnati Oktoberfest."

"Adrian did great too."

"I always watch out for him because he's a great competitor and he's come very close to beating me."

"Toward the end of the contest (when I was about ready to quit), I looked over at him to see if he was still going."

"Of course he was, so I couldn't stop or slow down."

"I don't 'train' for events, but I like to play with the food and familiarise myself with the texture," she says, reasoning, for example, that "you don't want to be figuring out the anatomy of a chicken wing mid-contest".

"But I was already familiar with the brats we were using in competition, so I didn't find it necessary."

"In the end, style wouldn't matter as much as capacity, anyway."

"And Joey can pack away a whole lot."

"I did my best and I actually surprised myself," Miki reveals, confirming to the Rake & Herald that her next MLE appearance will be at the Ninth Annual World Tamale Eating Championship in Lewisville, Texas this coming Saturday (28/9/13).

"I expect to get killed," she says, although we sincerely hope she doesn't.

"I felt a little rusty, having not competed in over a month or so, but I don't think it affected my placing," the Rabbit exclusively facebookates the Rake & Herald.

"Joey and Miki are tremendously talented eaters and they're both in a tier above me in almost all foods."

"The brats went down very fast this year."

"They can be tough, though, because they're all one flavour," he continues, explaining that there's no bun to break up the taste "like with hot dogs".

"It was a great contest, though."

"The crowd was loud, the brats were tasty and the weather was perfect."

"I did a shit job but I'm OK with it," Rake & Herald reporter, Rutles fan and co-inventor of pizza fries Tracy 'Mmm Mmm' Goode, who placed ninth with 11 brats down his craw, exclusively reports for the Rake & Herald via the Book of Face.

"I did what I knew I would do," he says.

"Not surprising as I can't stand brats".

"I just love punishment."

An independent thinker, Mmm Mmm is not the sort of chap to blindly follow convention and thus freely pours scorn on the evolution in action theory, positing his own explanation for why this year's totals were so darn massive.

"Joey Chestnut is not human," he says.

"He's some sort if inhuman cyborg."

"Seventy!"

"Unreal!"

Indeed, Mmm Mmm may well have a point, for Jaws is clearly an eating machine in possession of superhuman abilities.

But what does my learned colleague Kok have to say on the matter?

Absolutely nothing, thank f--k, because he's just passed out in a puddle of puke on the pavement (or 'sidewalk' if you don't speak Brit).

Shit hot!

Time for a celebration, me thinks.

Derhorzesmowf, another eight pints of Spesh, please!

And while he pours those, here are the full results based on the MLE website with a few annotations where applicable using information mined from the aforementioned Eat Feats database.

Cheers!

Here's to Kok not waking up again.

Ever.


FULL RESULTS

1) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (70 bratwursts in 10 minutes; $1,000; up from 32 in 2012);

2) Miki Sudo (61.5; $500);

3) Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan (46; $300);

4) William 'Wild Bill' Myers (21.25; $200; up from 15 in 2011);

5) Andrew 'the Bear' Kogutkiewicz (19.5; up from 16.5 in 2012);

6) Matthew Raible (17.5; up from 10.5 in 2012);

7) Sean Mulcahey (16; up from 11 in 2012);

8) Jacob Halicek (15);

9) Tracy 'Mmm Mmm' Goode (11; up from 8.5 in 2012); and

10) 'The Charming and Brave' Megan Hartman (5).


Huge respect and congratulations to all who competed or was in anyway involved in the organising and execution of this year's brats battle, including legendary MLE emcee Sam Barclay.

Ginormously gigantic gratitude too to Miki, the Rabbit and Mmm Mmm for putting up with our tedious questions and supplying us with their exclusive quotes.

Serious salutes and many, many thanks indeed!

Trust me, your help is massively appreciated, even by Kok, who sadly seems to have regained consciousness as he's now kicking the crap out of a lamppost.

Sadly, we don't have any footage of the eating to share with you at present.

However, if you turn your mind back a bit, you may well recall that at the end of August there was a bloody great rib fight over in Nevada, viz the Eighth Annual John Ascuaga's Nugget World Rib Eating Championship that we reported on here.

Well, thanks to Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie, arguably competitive eating's finest film maker, you can now watch the whole event from beginning to end.

So get comfy because here it is now, embedded from Megatoad's megatastic YouTube channel.





Still hungry for more?

We certainly hope so because here's an ace little vid from Vice that, embedded from Schweppes Australia's YouTube channel, covers the same contest but also features some top-notch interviews with Miki and Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez.

Hat tip to Reno-based stand-up Drake Nelson for bringing it to our attention.

Drake, by the way, finished an admirable ninth with 3.4 lbs of ribs in his belly at the bell.

Nice one, sir.

And good luck with the comedy!





Right, gotta go.

Kok's just put a bin through the window.


See also Sixty-nine bloody hot dogs!!!, posted 5/7/13.


To fully understand why Sandi and Kok are on the Spesh in Agartha, make sure you read Molly massacres Madison pizzas, posted 25/9/13. Meanwhile, to learn more about the Hollow Earth, have a read of The Hollow Earth revisited, posted 17/1/13.


Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that FaceBook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.


This article was first posted on the old R&H 27/9/13.




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