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EATING & DRINKING

Rookie Bear now indie number two

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted September 30, 2012
kobayashi and jamie mcdonald
Top two: The Bear (left) with Kobayashi (right) in Barrie the other day. © Jamie McDonald

Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald has taken the indie number two spot with a win at the Original Fried Pie Shop National Peach Fried Pie Eating Championship in Texas.


Once synonymous with the shenanigans of JR, Sue Ellen and Cliff Barnes, Dallas from this point on will forever only mean one thing to the cognoscenti of competitive eating: the Connecticut-based Bear's inexorable march to global gurgitatory glory.

For in the space of just eight minutes yesterday (29/9/12), the Bear stormed into the history books of the greatest sport on Earth with a heroic haul of 24 fried peach pies weighing a total of 9.75 lbs (4.4 kg) to scoop the inaugural National Peach Fried Pie Eating crown.

Moreover, his win has now established him to be, in the words of Eat Feats, the gurgitator's greatest online resource, "clearly the #2 non-IFOCE [International Federation of Competitive Eating, viz Major League Eating (MLE)] competitive eater behind [Takeru 'Kobi'] Kobayashi".

This would be impressive enough had he spent the last 10 years clawing his way up the charts.

However, the Bear has only been eating competitively for the past six months or so and as such is remarkably still a rookie.

Living where we do on this side of the pond, Kok and I have no idea what fried pies taste like, but there is no escaping the sheer enormity of the Bear's meteoric rise up the rankings.

Bear, the Rake & Herald salutes you.

All hail the Bear!


SO WHAT'S A FRIED PIE THEN?
Coming back to the pies, we had a quick geek at the Original Fried Pie Shop's website earlier and quickly discovered that these rather tempting-sounding calorie collections look a lot like Cornish pasties.

As to their taste, well a press release issued jointly by the said pie purveyors and All Pro Eating that we came across via Eat Feats describes them as being "made with intensely flavoured fillings" and "folded into a fried pie buttermilk crust and deep-fried in 100% peanut oil".

Fair enough, but what's it like to chobble your way through 24 of the peach-filled ones with a clock ticking loudly in your skull?

A tad tough, we gather.

"Awesome quality and taste, just overpoweringly sweet when you eat almost 10 lbs," the Bear exclusively tells us via Twitter in yet another exclusive Rake & Herald exclusive exclusive.

So, with him now ranked only behind Takeru 'Kobi' Kobayashi, the living legend he came within a gnat's bawhair of beating in Barrie recently, what's the next thing the Bear plans to do?

Crack open a crate of champagne, as we suggest?

"Naw," he tweets back, "gym time."

"No rest yet."

And with the Bear set to appear at the Second Annual Fire in the Whole Enchilada Eating Contest in Las Cruces, New Mexico in literally a matter of hours if not minutes, that might not be such a bad idea.

However, nothing's going to stop us chucking away the cap on a fresh bottle of Plymouth Gin in his honour.

In fact, we already have.


fried pie fest in dallas
Who ate all the pies? A load of hungry All Pro Eaters, we understand. © Jamie McDonald


MUNCHING MACHINE
Unfortunately, we have yet to see any footage of the chowdown, but it's our guess that the Bear, the Henry Rollins of competitive eating, employed his hallmark 'laconic' eating style, with its totally unflustered, unfazed and nigh on machine-like munching metre.

Something else of which we are also pretty darn certain is that Tom 'Not Sure If He's Got a Nickname or Not' Gilbert came second with 21.75 pies gulletised, followed by Stephanie 'Xanadu' Torres with 19.125 to her name and Eric 'Silo' Dahl with 19 to his.

"No disrespect to the other gurgitators who locked oesophageal horns with the Bear in Dallas yesterday, but it has to be said that he's the bloody dog's bollocks1 and I don't say that lightly," says Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok Wang not saying what he just said lightly.

"Six months on the circuit and he's already leapfrogged the rest of the field."

"So what's he gonna be like in another six or in two year's time?"

"A fackin' household name, I hope."

"Top chobblin', mate."

"And not just yesterday but right from the moment you tossed your hat in the ring."

"A toast in your honour!" Kok declares, rising unsteadily to his feet and then collapsing in a heap.

Result!

He's finally passed out and put a sock in it.


RESULTS AT PRESENT
And talking of results, while we simply don't know what the scores were for everybody who took part in the Dallas pie-sesh showdown, we can "add colour" to the gobathon's top four, as our new MBA-head marketing manager Randy Gutstick III might annoyingly put it:


1) Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald (24 pies; $1,500 (£929) and a trophy);

2) Tom 'Not Sure If He's Got a Nickname or Not' Gilbert (21.75; $1,000);

3) Stephanie 'Xanadu' Torres (19.125; $500); and

4) Eric 'Silo' Dahl (19).


Apologies for not listing all the gurgitational gladiators who did battle with their stomachs yesterday, but if we learn more we'll pass it your way as soon as poss.

In the meantime, I'm going to rifle through Kok's pockets to see if there's anything worth twocking.

While I do that, why not learn a little more about the organisers of the event by having a gander at this:





Sweet!

Fifteen quid and a set of car keys.

Right, gotta go before he wakes up.

But stay tuned for more on today's Second Annual Fire in the Whole Enchilada Eating Contest as well as the MLE-sanctioned Phantom Gourmet Food Festival, although we're not exactly sure what that is and after looking round the organiser's website we're still none the wiser.

Anyway, I'm not sure exactly when I'll be back but Kok's cab's bound to fetch at least 30 quid down the chop shop and if there's one thing I've learnt in life it's how to liquidise my assets and turn money into booze.

I might even get a pie from the chippy while I'm at it.

Perhaps they'll deep fry it to boot.

After all, money talks.

Laters!


STOP PRESS: ENCHILADAS UPDATE



In yet another exclusive Rake & Herald exclusive, our eleventy-twelfth of this monster competitive eating weekend, the Bear has just informed us via the old twittery tweet tweet thing that he has now won the Second Annual Fire in the Whole Enchilada Eating Contest in Las Cruces, New Mexico.

During the allotted four-minute face-stuffing time, the unstoppable Bear put away a stonking great 5.9 lbs of these fiery food things to collar the one-grand grand prize (ie $1,000) .

That, our little pocket calculator reckons, works out to be an enchilada engorgement rate (EER) of approximately 0.025 lbs of enchilada per second (eps).

Meanwhile, eating on her home ground, Xanadu placed second with 3.9 lbs down her craw, giving her an EER of 0.016 eps.

As this scoop is so damn hot off the press, it's literally sizzling my skin just to type it.

But what about the enchiladas?

Were they as "red hot" as the promotional material promised?

The answer form the Bear is a resounding yes.

"I choked a bit at the start and had them come out my nose," he reveals, describing the experience rather understandably as "painful".

"I was a mess."

But he still stormed to victory nonetheless!


See also The Bear equals Bacci record, posted 25/9/12, and Kobayashi keeps PIE crown, posted 17/9/12.


Footnote


1) For our North American readers, the word 'bollocks' is another name for a chap's 'hairy saddle bags'. If you describe something as 'bollocks', it means it's shit or nonsense. However, if you describe something as 'the dog's bollocks' or simply 'the bollocks' or 'the dog's', it means 'shit hot'. Have a read of this for more info. Meanwhile, another explanation can be found here. And if you happen to live in or near Toronto, why not call into this place for a pint?

Incidentally, the absolute bible of British swearing and slang is Roger's Profanisaurus, compiled by the writers of adult comic Viz and available as a smart phone app here. Whatever you do, definitely make sure you have a read of Viz at some point. It's the dog's bollocks as Kok would say if he wasn't lying comatose in a load of crap, cans and cardboard pizza boxes. The stupid twunt.


(Update same day)




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