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Ronnie's off to Coney

By editorial assistant Sand Toxic

Posted May 25, 2014
about to eat
Get ready to gobble! The Deep-Fried Diva, the Real American and CLC in NC. © Ronnie Hartman

The Real American and the Deep-Fried Diva win through to Nathan's while Megatoad gobbles to glory on his birthday.

This past Friday (23/5/14), the International Rake & Herald, to give it its full name, ran an article in which it stated that Ronnie Hartman had changed his nom de bouche from 'MegaByte' to 'the Real American'.

The article then alleged that the Real American was to appear the following day (24/5/14) at the Major League Eating- (MLE) sanctioned Nathan's qualifier in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Well guess what.

He has.

He did.

And what's more, he's now gone through to the gobathon of gobathons with a gut count of 21 hot dogs and buns (HDBs) in 10 minutes.

Whether the two events were connected, however, is a matter of some debate, with a hastily convened symposium of scientists in Switzerland currently considering the matter over iced buns and shortcake.

What we can tell you, though, is that the Real American achieved this feat in front of a home crowd comprised of people with heads and faces and things.

Moreover, a serving US serviceman, he did so on Memorial Weekend, a time of major significance to that nation's current, former and future military.

Fair f--king play, eh?

So what was that like, sir?

"Winning in front of my family and friends and my home town feels great," the Real American exclusively facebookates the Rake & Herald.

"That crowd was behind me the whole way and I just didn't want to disappoint them."

"When [MLE chairman and emcee extraordinaire George Shea] counts down from 10 and hits three, the only thing I hear is George, so once the contest started I didn't hear them, even though they were screaming the whole time."

"I won."

"That's all that matters, but I am not satisfied with my number."

"I said I'd win, I won; now I'm saying I'll eat 30 on the 4th of July and I will."

Meanwhile, the flippin' ace Meredith 'the Deep-Fried Diva' Boxberger headed down to Charlotte from her native Canada to land her women's seat at Coney unopposed with an engobulation of 18 HDBs.

"Not my best [tummy tally] but good enough to secure my spot on the 4th for the big show," she exclusively tell the entire world via Twitter.

"Awesome crowd in North Carolina for [yesterday's] Nathan's qualifier."

"Was a beauty day for some hot diggity!"

Ronnie wins
Coney here he comes: The Real American reigns victorious.© Ronnie Hartman

But these two goliaths of the gob were not the only fearless food fighters to take on the dogs in Charlotte yesterday.

Indeed, stalwart high temperature canine killer Crazy Legs Conti (CLC) narrowly missed out on a July 4 battle plate with a second-placed belly bonanza of 20.5 while 'Big' Brian Subich, the first ever competitive eater to follow the Rake & Herald on Twitter by the way (cheers, Brian!), boshed 20 to bag third.

But how the hairy hat pants could we possibly know all this given that we were getting ripped to the tits on Special Brew inside our plush new digs within the Hall of Records, aka the Secret Chamber, beneath the Great Sphinx of Giza while all this glorious gurgitation was going on?


For like a man living off a diet of nothing but crisps and biscuits, our network of spies grows ever wider.


You heard me.

Our tentacles of truth are expanding faster than Elvis in Vegas, with the Rake & Herald's newest official Rake & Herald reporter now unmasked as none other than Corey 'King Voodoo' Fanguy, the very same alimentary athlete who just so happened to scarf down 15 HDBs to finish fifth ahead of Damien 'the' Boykin, who, we understand from a poster on the ever excellent Eat Feats by the name of nunonabun2, apparently slavered his way through 14.5 for sixth.

"The dogs were actually pretty good," King Voodoo exclusively reports back to Rake & Herald head office via the Book of Face.

"I felt a little intimidated considering this was my début [in the contest]."

But while it still remains to be seen as to whether King Voodoo will have another pop at Nathan's this year, we can unequivocally confirm that he'll be going hell for bloody leather when the action starts at the forthcoming Acme Oyster Eating World Championship in New Orleans this coming Sunday (1/6/14).

"I am focused on oysters next weekend," King Voodoo states.

"I am determined to finally get a Top Three finish," he continues, describing the Rake & Herald's's all-time favourite alimentary athlete, the wonderful, the fantastic, the fantastically wonderful Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas, Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan and the aforementioned CLC as "tough competitors".

"I hope to beat at least one."

"We shall see."

"Last year I did take down CLC and went 2-0 versus Conti in Nola."

"This year I am 0-2 so far, hoping for a comeback next weekend."

Well, we certainly wish our gallant new reporter the very best of luck, not to mention a huge debt of gratitude for telling us the results before they had been otherwise publicly announced.

Top stuff, sir, and all power to your chompers!

birthday boy megatoad
For he's a jolly good fellow! Birthday boy Megatoad after the bumps yesterday. © Matt Stonie

Now, as we reported on Friday, Saturday not only saw the staging of the said Nathan's qualifier but also the Fourth Annual West Virginia Three Rivers Festival Pepperoni Roll Eating World Championship in Fairmont, West Virginia.

Furthermore, it also happened to be Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie's 22nd birthday.

And bloody banana bollocks did he celebrate in style, gannetising 31 of the f--kers in 10 minutes to pocket a cool two-and-a-half grand local (£1,485).

Fair play, sir, and many happy returns indeed!

That beats a bit of birthday cake and piss-up in the park, eh?

Sadly, I simply haven't got time to go into all the details pertaining to that particular pabulum pounding right now, though, as Rake & Herald culture editor DJ NRG Raver is doing the do's on the ones and twos at an oldskool house party right this very minute and I promised I'd go along for a bit of boxes and squares.

So, please forgive me this once while I put on my dancing shoe and bugger off early.

But before I do, here are the as-full-as-we-can-make-out results gleaned from a variety of sources, including King Voodoo, Eat Feats, the Deep Fried Diva and the MLE Twitter feed.


1) Ronnie 'the Real American' Hartman (21 HDBs in 10 minutes; Men's Seat, Coney Island, July 4);

2) Crazy Legs Conti (20.5);

3) 'Big' Brian Subich (20);

4) Meredith 'the Deep-Fried Diva' Boxberger (18; Women's Seat, Coney Island, July 4);

5) Corey 'King Voodoo' Fanguy (15); and

6) Damien 'the' Boykin (14.5).


1) Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie (31 pepperoni rolls in 10 minutes; $2,500);

2) Miki Sudo (26; $1,500);

3) Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco (18.5; $1,000);

4) Marcos 'the Monster' Owens (18; $750);

5) 'The Lovely' Juliet Lee (17.5; $500);

6) 'Buffalo' Jim Reeves (15.5; $250);

7) William 'Wild Bill' Myers (7.75);

8) Leo Gioia (6.5);

9) James Haynes (6); and

10) Tim 'the Shark' Cope (5.5)

Massive, massive salutes all round and extra special thanks to the Real American and King Voodoo for their exclusive quotes and reporting.

Apologies for not being able to go into more detail regarding the pepperoni rolls engorgement engagement but as I'm sure you all understand, the clock is ticking.

Anyway, thanks again to the Real American because he also kindly sent us a link to the following chomping footage, embedded here on the Rake & Herald from his YouTube channel, which you are strongly recommended to check out here.

Right, gotta go.

Big fish, little fish, cardboard box!

See also The Real American, posted 23/5/14.

Sandi Toxic
was raised by wolves inside a disused clay pit near Lanjeth. You can befriend her on FaceBook here. She is still quite feral.

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