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EATING & DRINKING

Rake wins poutine wooden spoon

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted October 23, 2013
jaws lifts poutine trophy
What a prize! Jaws lifts the greatest trophy ever. © Ignatius Rake

Jaws sets monster new record; Megatoad second; Notorious B.O.B. third; Rake bloke comes pathetic last.


Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut has narrowly defeated that Rake bloke in one of the tightest, tensest tooth-offs in the history of alimentary athleticism by shoving an incredible 48 half-pound (227 g) boxes of poutine with a total weight of 24 lbs (10.9 kg) down his gob in 10 minutes at the Fourth Annual Smoke's Poutinerie World Poutine Eating Championship in Yonge-Dundas Square in Toronto, Canada this past Saturday (19/10/13).

Rake did eight.

Boxes that is.

Not pounds.

He did just four of those.

Ha!

Last!

The f--king loser.

But what the flippin' hairy trouser legs is poutine, anyway?

Well, according to Major League Eating (MLE), which sanctioned the all-you-can-eat gobathon, it is "the most exalted food in the world".

"Seriously, this stuff is out of this world," it continues.

"A simple trio – fries [chips, dammit, chips!], curds, gravy – in which all parts sit in perfect harmony."

"The fries [they're called chips!!!], the backbone."

"The curds, the richness."

"The gravy, the good good goo."

What's more, MLE continues, "the legend of this mighty dish of Québécois origins" has now "spread throughout the world".

"Now all know its name."

Which means I didn't really have to copy and paste all that after all.

But I did anyway.

So deal with it.

And as the delete button on my alien-back-engineered ZX81 is a bit ropey, it's staying put, unlike Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok 'Bloody' Wang and myself, who are right this minute sat in the back of a flying disc piloted by five 12-foot-tall plain-clothes coppers somewhere inside the Hollow Earth after Kok got wankered on Special Brew, punched a police man, trashed a wheelbarrow, pissed in a fridge, crashed a UFO and put a bin through a pub window.

He also lit one of his farts and singed his barse.

But enough of all that.

What about the bloody poutine eating?

Good question.

I like your style, Sandi.

Thanks, Sandi.

In fact, I think you're ace, Sandi.

Not only are you the most beautiful female journalist in the entire Multiverse, but you also deserve a pay raise immediately.

How about an extra $3,000 (£1,855 or £1,786 if they're Canadian dollars)?

Why, thank you very much, Sandi.

That's very kind of you.

And what a coincidence!

For that is exactly the same amount of wedge Jaws won for literally metaphorically panning the utter crap out of that Rake bloke's measly total of four poncey pounds.

But that's not all because for the second year running, the San Jose superscoffer also got his gravy-covered hands on the greatest prize of all, the Smoke's Poutinerie World Poutine Eating Championship Trophy.

Described by MLE in a classic understatement as "the most attractive trophy in all of sports" and having "an Atari joystick welded onto it", this sumptuous pinnacle of the visual arts seamlessly melds beauty, poise and proportion with some knackered old bits of electrical kit to form a timeless intonation of elegance and grace beyond even the capable hands of Rodin, Hepworth or Moore.

Trust me, it is a beauty.

And that's not just my opinion either.

In the words of Rake & Herald religious affairs/football editor the Reverend Marcus Trepanning, who was in Toronto to watch that Rake bloke humiliate himself in front of a crowd of strangers, the trophy conjures forth images of "a Roman column adorning a 1980s Hitachi VHS recorder crowned by a triumphant fist."

"Holding a chip fork."

"It's a contemporary masterpiece," he continues.

"Something that wouldn't look out of place in a modern art gallery."

Or on Jaws' mantelpiece.

But don't go thinking that Jaws only won a bucketload of cash and the f--king greatest trophy ever because in landing gold he also completely kicked the living shit out of the 19 boxes he bolted back to win last year's poutine pummelling.

As did Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie, who, although he hadn't eaten at the event before, expertly crammed 40 boxes-worth down his bouche to claim silver and $1,500.

Meanwhile, Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt upped his showing from 17 boxes to 33.5 to bag bronze and sponds worth $650.

Placing fourth with a box count of 24, up from 11 last year, Iron Man triathlete and all-round top bloke Yasir Salem took home $500.

However, given that he exclusively told the Rake & Herald that he was planning to neck a few drinks that evening it is not clear exactly how much of his winnings went back with him to Noi Yoik.

Especially as his mate Robin seemed like a bit of a dude.

Beer on, sirs!

Flying the flag for Canada, Meredith 'the Deep-Fried Diva' Boxberger engobulated 18 boxes, compared to 11.333 recurring 12 months ago, to land her $250, while the highly affable 'Buffalo' Jim Reeves tied for sixth with amateur winner Jesse 'Amateur Winner Who Did Bloody Well Considering He Is an Amateur' Kankula after knocking back 17 boxes of poutine to nab $50.


the poutine count
The final countdown: It didn't take them long to tot up that Rake bloke's boxes. © Ignatius Rake


IN THEIR OWN WORDS
Now, this is where it gets all controversial because plenty of mainly anonymous posters on the ever excellent Eat Feats have poured scorn on these poutine results, claiming that they are "fake" and "made-up".

This is fairly understandable given that the results, compared to last year, ballooned like Elvis pulling the rip-cord, with Jaws' performance, for example, representing a whopping 152.6% increase on the amount he shoved down his beak in 2012.

Indeed, there have been unsubstantiated claims from people who weren't there that the boxes didn't really weigh 0.5 lbs at all.

Well, as no one at the Rake & Herald actually weighed them themselves, we cannot comment on that.

So, assuming that each box did weigh a full half pound – MLE in a pre-match email stated that each box would consist of "3 oz of gravy, 4 oz of fries and 1 oz of curd by weight = 8 oz total = half a pound" – what could explain this massive upsurge in this year's downings?

"We just had really good poutine this year as far as for speed eating," a post-match Notorious B.O.B. exclusively tells the Rake & Herald via that Rake bloke's voice recorder.

"The fries were soft and they were hard the past two years so it was a lot easier to eat quick so the numbers went up a lot."

"I mean the numbers went up way more than a lot and really got insane."

"I was just glad I was in the contest because I would have hated to see the numbers and go 'Darn, I wish I was there to see were I stacked up'," he continues.

"I saw were I stacked up [and] it's not where I wanted to be but it's all good."

"I'll learn from it."

"I did the best I could out there today."

"Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose."

"It doesn't make me happy, though."

"I'll deal with it but I'm not happy with third place."

"No matter what I did, I wasn't going to win this contest today."

"I wasn't prepared to put down the volume that Joey put down in the 10 minutes."

"Not that I was close to Matt, [who] was definitely ahead of me, but I would have liked to have done better."

"I always want to win [but] it doesn't make me unhappy with the day."

"A road trip with [William 'Wild Bill' Myers, who finished ninth with 13.5 boxes down his craw] is not to be missed."

"It should be on everyone's bucket list who's a competitive eater."

"I can't explain it, I'm just telling you, you all have to take a road trip with Wild Bill and you'll see why I'll remember this day for a long time."

"It's quite an experience."

Hmm.

The mind boggles.

But what about Jaws?

Was he surprised by his new record total?

"It's definitely more than I was expecting but considering that they were cooking it right on site, the super-warm gravy – extra, everything was thinned out because of the rain – it makes sense," he exclusively explains to the Rake & Herald, using the very same mouth down which so much poutine had just minutes before passed.

"I know when I do a hot dog practice – I eat 68 hot dogs in practice plus water – I gain 27 lbs so this was on par because I really only drank a couple of ounces of water."

"I had maybe one cup."

"We were pushing capacity."

"I knew about 4 minutes into it it was a capacity contest, so I could relax a little bit [because] Stonie would hit his wall."

"It was awesome."

"I love a good capacity contest."

"I love it when I'm finding my rhythm and I can just push myself."

But is Jaws a fan of poutine given that he managed to eat so much of it?

"Last year was my first time eating it."

"So after that I became a fan."

"There's not too many places that serve it in California so it was a little hard to practice."

"I had to make my own."

"It was fun."

Stay tuned for a full Jaws interview that shall be appearing in the hallowed pages of the Rake & Herald shortly and in which it will be revealed how Jaws could have eaten even more poutine had he been able to attain a slightly better eating posture.

But in the meantime, how about Jaws' 21-year-old arch rival?

Was Megatoad chuffed with his 20-lb gut haul?

"Oh yeah, I'm pleased," he exclusively reports to the Rake & Herald via his larynx and the like.

"Twenty pounds, I think that's the most I've ever done in a single 10-minute contest."

"It was ridiculous."

"The food was really fast today; I can't complain."

As this was "the first time [he had eaten] actual poutine", what did he think of it?

"It wasn't bad," Megatoad reveals.

"I can tell if I don't like the food when I'm eating it – it can kinda gag me or you get sick of it – but it was pretty good."

So how does it compare to hot dogs?

"It's completely different."

"The thing with poutine is I really didn't even need to drink much."

"There was a lot of gravy, it was raining so there was some water [and] it all became soggy."

"It was like eating soup with potato chunks in it so it was really fast."

"Tonnes of food was eaten."

And a fair old whack of it was eaten by Yasir, who, like Megatoad, was also pretty pleased with his poutine pounding.

"I'm very, very happy," he exclusively tells the Rake & Herald on having that Rake bloke's voice recorder shoved in his face.

"I got over double what I did last year."

"Part of that is because I'm used to it now but I think this year the gravy was really good."

"The [poutine was] delicious and I was standing next to Bob, which is always really useful for me, to be standing next to somebody who's going at a pace, because I always forget how fast I'm going so I had him as a way to measure my speed."

"So it was great."

"It was really good."

"I'm really happy."

"Fourth place to me is like Bob's first place."

"Bob's here, Joey's here, Matt's here so if I'm in the general neighbourhood, I'm good."

"Maybe next year I'll bump that number up a little bit more; get a little bit better."

"I'd like to get in the 30s or 40s or something like that."

"We'll see."

"It's nice to dream."

"On box number 20, I started to hit the wall."

"It's just like running a marathon."

"Those guys that run marathon's, it's not fun for them."

"By mile 20 they're suffering."

"It's the same like here."

"It's hard and it got really hard for me after 20."

"But I prepared really good for this so I'm happy."

"It was a good day for me and a good day for the field," he continues, describing this year's totals as "crazy".

"They were nuts."

"They were really, really nuts."

"They blew it out of the water."


meredith boxberger
Canadian queen: The Deep-Fried Diva (who we didn't actually interview. Sorry). © Ignatius Rake


CLOGGING ARTERIES SINCE 2008
"My issue's never getting full," Buffalo Jim exclusively reveals to the Rake & Herald via compressions of air captured electronically and digitised for subsequent transcription and publication.

"In fact, I'm not even close to full right now but I did a good number for me."

"I did 8.5 lbs, which is on the high end of what I felt I could do."

"I'm almost never a pound-a-minute eater so no matter how easy the food is that's about my limit."

"So I figured if I did seven or eight I'd be happy."

"I did 8.5, which is about the best I can do."

"Ryan [Smolkin, the founder and top banana at Smoke's] does a great job."

"He's a good host."

"He doesn't just act like a business guy, he acts like your friend."

"He wants the eaters to have a good time and enjoy the contest."

"His people are all friendly [and] they put on a good show."

"It's a nice relationship."

"Those are the kinds of contest we keep doing."

"If there's any animosity between the sponsor and the eaters, those contests are a one-shot deal and then they're gone."

"But [Ryan]'s a nice guy, he's got a good product, his people treat us really well so we enjoy coming back."

What's more, Smoke's, which, in its own words, has proudly been "clogging arteries since 2008", has a healthy light-heartedness that sits well with the greatest sport on Earth.

"It's got a good sense of humour," Buffalo Jim continues.

"I mean, you've got to be able to laugh at yourself."

"If you don't see what's funny about [competitive eating], then you shouldn't be in the business because we had a bunch of grown men and women having eating contests which you normally would think of kids doing at a county fare."

"You just gotta take the criticism with a grain of salt and be a good person and try to put on a good show."

And put on a good show they certainly did.

Well, apart from that Rake bloke, of course.

But the chap eating next to him, Wild Bill, kinda made up for that Rake bloke's shitness.

"I did really well," Wild Bill exclusively informs the Rake & Herald via a series of clear vocalisations in the English language.

"I did 2.5 times more than I've done in the last two years: 6.75 lbs."

But how does poutine stack up with frozen yoghurt, of which he recently engobulated 8 lbs in 6 minutes to win silver at the Yogurtland Frozen Yogurt Eating Challenge in Boston, Massachusetts?

"It's a completely different thing," Wild Bill reveals.

"At least I could feel my tongue after this."

"I was surprised because I didn't think I was going to do the same as I had done last year," Larell Marie 'the Real Deal' Mele, who placed 11th with a belly bounty of 11.5 boxes, exclusively reveals to the Rake & Herald, employing airborne emissions of vowels and consonants that play like a little symphony on that Rake bloke's ear drums.

"I wasn't feeling it, so finishing with my own personal best of last year was OK."

"I feel good."

"It can always be better but it can always be worse."

Too true but surely nothing could be worse than that Rake bloke's pitiful last-place performance?

So why did you f--k it up, Rakey?

"I saw a butterfly in the crowd and it put me off my rhythm," he exclusively lies to the Rake & Herald via telepathy.

"This was a shame really because the first two boxes went down pretty quick and to be honest I thought I was going to give Jaws a right run for his money."

"I think he knew that too because I could sense the fear emanating off him every time I went near him to hassle him with questions and the like."

"But then I saw that butterfly – it looked like a particularly vicious Pieris brassicae – and from that point on I spent the entire time trying not to puke."

"Butterflies do that to people, you see."

"Scientists with hats call it the 'butterfly effect' and it's a right f--ker; totally debilitating when you've got a gob full of grub on the go."

"Hence why I spent the bulk of my time on stage not actually eating, chewing or swallowing just desperately trying not to sick my guts up all over my feeder, a really nice woman called Natalie, who is apparently the fastest sandwich maker in North America."

"She was really sound and supportive so to have covered her in chyme would have been rather rude of me."

"Plus, any such reversal of fortune is an instant disqualification and I couldn't be having with that because I had to come first or else that Hollow Earth loan shark who lent Kok all that wedge to bet on me winning would pull all Kok's teeth out with a set of rusty pliers."

"And then brake his legs with a sledge hammer."

"And shove a spanner up his arse."

"Anyway, by about the seventh minute, the urge to spew was horrendous."

"I was within a gnat's bawhair of giving in, such was the terrible desire to hurl, but I just refused to chunder because I hadn't been drinking."

"Well, not heavily, anyway."

"In all honesty, if I hadn't spent so much of the contest trying to keep my lunch private, I reckon I could have eaten at least 50% if not 53% or possibly 82.74% more."

"The poutine, you see, was jolly f--king top-notch spiffing and really not difficult to slip down at all, in those moments when I wasn't desperately attempting not cover Natalie with a vibrant pavement painting, of course."

"As such, and given the track record of that well-stacked field, I have no problem accepting the totals."

"Admittedly, one gurgitator I spoke with after the gobathon had finished said that they thought the portions might have been a tad smaller this year, although as I wasn't at the 2012 bash I can't honestly say."

"I can, however, state that that particular competitor was the only person to express such an opinion to me."

"Also, prior to the match, I witnessed Smoke's employees or volunteers laboriously weighing out each and every box – chips first, followed by cheese curds, if I remember correctly."

"Once filled, these boxes were then taken up to the stage, where they were only covered with hot gravy from a ladle that distributed a uniform quantity of liquid goodness moments before being brought on stage for their ultimate dispatchment."

"Various returnee gurgitators also stated to me that this year's event, while dabbled with drizzle, was much warmer than last year's and this in itself made the eating much easier as they weren't freezing their tits off."

"Furthermore, once the contest was over, the boxes were all carefully examined for debris and the like."

"In fact, this painstaking procedure took so long that the Reverend Trepanning got a bit pissed off as he wanted to bugger off out of the rain and get a few pints of Steam Whistle in round the corner in the Imperial Pub, a decent little boozer with a nice roof garden."

"Also, if there was some crafty conspiracy to 'fake' or 'make up' the totals, it's bloody news to me and I was certainly not invited to participate in it."

"Whatever commenters on Eat Feats want to say, the Fourth Annual Smoke's Poutinerie World Poutine Eating Championship was bloody ace and I hereby give monumentally massive thanks to MLE for inviting me to participate."

"I'd also like to thank all at Smoke's and everyone, including the wonderful Natalie, who made this contest one of the best 10 minutes of my life."

"I have always had major respect for gurgitators everywhere, but now I have even more."

"Hats off to the lot of you."

"Competitive eating f--king rocks!"

"Emcee Diamond Dave was a total geezer too, rocking the mic in a manner that kept making me want to laugh thus only serving to intensify the likelihood of me reversing."

"What's more, every single competitor I met was really bloody nice and came across as a total flippin' dude or dudess."

"Absolute stars, the lot of them."

"All power to your chompers!"

"Oh, and one last thing."

"I've been eating at Smokes loads, before and after the contest, while I've been here in Toronto and the pulled pork one in particular is flippin' fantastic."

"Especially after a few pints."

"Hell, it's even better than a kebab."

"And that's saying something."

"Now get on with your f--king job, Sandi, or I'll cut your f--king wages again."


FULL RESULTS
Wanker.

I'm glad you came last.

Anyway, at this point I should begrudgingly hand over the mic to Kok.

However, those cops weren't cops at all.

Turns out they work as hired muscle for Rob Not, the Hollow Earth's leading loan shark and psychopath.

Which is why Kok has now got a spanner up his arse and is dribbling blood like a ruptured spleen.

So, without further ado, here are the full results as given out on the day.

If you don't want to believe them then don't.

It's no skin off my scrote.

Just don't diss us for reporting them or I'll psychically get a cat to piss on your sofa.

Twice.


1) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (48 boxes (24 lbs) of f--king ace poutine in 10 minutes; $3,000; and the greatest trophy ever made);

2) Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie (40 (20); $1,500);

3) Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt (33.5 (16.75); $650);

4) Yasir Salem (24 (12); $500);

5) Meredith 'the Deep-Fried Diva' Boxberger (18 (9); $250);

=6) 'Buffalo' Jim Reeves (17 (8.5); $50);

=6) Jesse 'Amateur Winner Who Did Bloody Well Considering He Is an Amateur' Kankula (17 (8.5); $50);

8) Ben Do (15 (7.5));

9) William 'Wild Bill' Myers (13.5 (6.75));

10) Mike Landrich (12 (6));

11) Larell Marie 'the Real Deal' Mele (11.5 (5.25)); and

12) Ignatius 'F--k, He's a Fat C--t' Rake (8 (4)).


Echoing F--k, He's a Fat C--t, all at the Rake & Herald would sincerely like to thank MLE for inviting him to participate while also extending our congratulations, adulation, admiration, respect and thanks to all who took part in the poutine pummelling, whether in terms of eating, emceeing, organising, cooking, feeding or simply watching.

Major lashings of extra thanks and gratitude to Jaws, Megatoad, Notorious B.O.B., Yasir, Buffalo Jim, Wild Bill and the Real Deal for their exclusive quotes and for putting up with that Rake bloke's endlessly annoying and moronic questions.

Huge salutes, indeed!

Also, serious apologies to all the gurgitators he didn't actually speak to with his voice recorder switched on.

It was nothing personal, you'd just all legged it before he could hassle you.

Good thinking, really.

The Reverend Trepanning has a load of video footage we will try to get up at some point but in the meantime, here's a pretty good little vid from K's Random Vlog that, among other things, beautifully captures that Rake bloke frozen in time as he tries to keep the contents of his foodsack secret.

Enjoy.





Right, gotta go.

One of Rob Not's goons keeps giving me the eye.

I just hope he likes my strap-on.

I use it to cut steak.


This article deliberately contains typos. Can you spot them? If so, why not enter our fantastic find-a-typo competition, which has now been extended to include broken links? Bonzer!


See also The greatest prize of all, posted 15/10/12.


Stay tuned for our upcoming Jaws interview piece. But in the meantime, why not have a read of our exclusive Notorious B.O.B. interview, Praise Bob!, posted 11/10/13?


To fully understand why Sandi's about to get lucky in the Hollow Earth, make sure you read
Praise Bob!, posted 11/10/13. Meanwhile, to learn more about the Hollow Earth itself, have a read of The Hollow Earth revisited, posted 17/1/13.



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