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Post-match Jaws

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted October 25, 2013
jaws pre match
Pre-poutine Jaws: Even before the contest Rake was hassling him for snaps. © Ignatius Rake

As promised, here's the full and exclusive interview Jaws gave us after he'd just shoved a world record amount of poutine down his gob in Toronto.

If you're one of the three people around the world not to have read our super fantastically brilliant report on the Fourth Annual Smoke's Poutinerie World Poutine Eating Championship in Toronto, Canada this past Saturday (19/10/13), then you may still be living in ignorance of the fact that the world's greatest gurgitator, the flippin' superhuman San Jose superscarfer known to one and all as Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut, powerchomped his way to glory at the 10-minute all-you-can-eat gobathon with a truly astonishing engorgement of 24 lbs (10.9 kg) of poutine.

Knocking back 48 half-pound boxes of this exquisite Quebecois delicacy at a rate of, hang on, er, 4.8 boxes a minute, he not only pissed all over the total of 19 such boxes that he wolfed down the year before to claim the crown that had previously rested on the head of Patrick 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti, but he also once again bagged the greatest trophy in the history of everything ever, viz the Smoke's Poutinerie World Poutine Eating Championship Trophy.

At the same time, Jaws also kerrchinged up a cool $3,000 (£1,855 or £1,786 if they were Canadian dollars (we're not actually too sure which)) for his efforts while simultaneously annihilating the paltry eight-box total that the Rake & Herald's very own chief hack Ignatius Rake nibbled like some pathetic little mouse after he had very kindly been invited to participate in the carbohydrate-heavy carnage by Major League Eating, which sanctioned this particular downtown chowdown.

Being a vindictive sort, though, that Rake bloke wasted no time in wreaking his revenge on his nourishment nemesis by ambushing him backstage and promptly bombarding him with a relentless battery of moronic questions that only a total imbecile would ask.

Fortunately, Jaws is not only a total superstar, but also a very pleasant and tolerant chap and thus duly furnished the Rake & Herald with a heap of world exclusive answers as though he weren't actually talking to an educationally subnormal baboon with a press card.

Moreover, and somewhat amazingly, that Rake bloke somehow remembered to switch his voice recorder on and point it in the right direction.

So, here now are the fruits of that interview, beautifully written up by yours truly, Sandi 'I Can't Stand That F--king Rake Bloke' Toxic, the world's most fantastic female churnalist.

But can you spot the bits we've already run?

Clue: It's all the stuff about poutine, surprisingly enough.

Admittedly, we could have omitted them but I decided not to for contextual reasons.

Plus, I figured it would probably require a load more work on my part trying to sew it all together afterwards.

The rest, though, is all brand-spanking new and never before seen by the eyes of mortals.

Anyway, to get the ball rolling, was Jaws surprised by his phenomenal gut count on Saturday?

"It's definitely more than I was expecting but considering that they were cooking it right on site, the super-warm gravy – extra, everything was thinned out because of the rain – it makes sense," he exclusively reveals to the Rake & Herald when he would probably much rather have been talking to me and not my ugly fat boss.

Who's also losing his hair.

And smells.

"I know when I do a hot dog practice – I eat 68 hot dogs in practice plus water – I gain 27 lbs so this was on par because I really only drank a couple of ounces of water."

"I had maybe one cup."

"We were pushing capacity."

"I knew about 4 minutes into it it was a capacity contest, so I could relax a little bit because [Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie], who placed second with with a 20-lb poutineisationalism] would hit his wall."

"It was awesome."

"I love a good capacity contest."

"I love it when I'm finding my rhythm and I can just push myself."

But as well as smashing Deep Dish's 2010 world record of 13 lbs of poutine like it were some tiny china trumpet made of glass, Jaws has also broken or set a whole raft of other eating records this year, including bratwursts; ribs; apple pie; fish tacos; tamales (in 10-minute competition); and, of course, hot dogs.

What's more, this past October 5, Jaws set a new hard-boiled egg record at the inaugural Radcliff Days World Hard-Boiled Egg Eating Championship in Radcliff, Kentucky when he shoved 141 of the f--kers down his neck in eight minutes, besting the previous high of 65 in 6 minutes 40 seconds set by the Rake & Herald's all-time favourite alimentary athlete Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas back in 2003.

"I got into a nice rhythm there too," Jaws explains.

"It's great when I can just stand up straight and let [the food] settle deep in my stomach."

"Today [at the poutine pounding] I couldn't stand up as straight as I wanted."

"Hot dogs I can stand up straight and let it settle deep."

"Eggs, I was able to let it go right down but it's great when the food is cooperating with my body and I can get into a posture that facilitates eating a massive amount."

So posture is a key thing, then?

"Well, for me it is because I'm not just eating with my mouth."

"I'm eating with my throat and with my abs and everything."

"I'm trying to work the food down and make it settle."

"You see most of the top eaters, we're not just swallowing, we're moving; we're trying to get that food down as far as possible."

And with Jaws famous for 'dancing down the dogs', Megatoad for his jiggly-wiggly thing and rocketing rookie Miki Sudo for her 'angry pony', he certainly seems to have a point.

Especially when you think about how disinclined that round-shouldered Rake bloke is to ever worry his arse over anything other than catching last orders.

I mean, for f--k's sake, he came last by a county mile.

Suddenly, as if struck by a flash mental lightning, that Rake bloke remembers where he is and what's just been going on all around him.

Cue another poutine question.

This time regarding whether Jaws is a fan of the stuff or not.

"Last year was my first time eating it," Jaws replies.

"So after that I became a fan."

"There's not too many places that serve it in California so it was a little hard to practice."

"I had to make my own."

"It was fun."

"The more obscure the food is, the harder it is to practice."

"If it's a food I can practice with, usually I can run away with it."

One recent contest food he wasn't too au fait with was slugburgers, an event ultimately won by Megatoad.

"I didn't know what the hell I was getting into," he says.

"I didn't practice at all."

And in such cases where Jaws is eating something he isn't familiar with "then most likely it's going to be a closer contest".

"Chicken wings are usually a pretty close contest because it's hard to get the exact chicken wings [before the mandible match in question]," he continues.

"I'm lucky with Hooters because Hooters are pretty consistent with their chicken wings: I always know what they're going to taste like."

However, while Jaws doesn't like "going to contests if [he doesn't] know what the food's going to taste like", he most definitely enjoys "a good tasting" ones.

One such upcoming food fight is the inaugural World Twinkie Eating Championship, a six-minute all-you-can-eat cakehole-cramming fingercakefest with a top prize of $2,500 to be staged this coming Saturday (26/10/13) at Bally's Casino in Tunica, Mississippi.

"I know what Twinkies are going to taste like," Jaws says.

"That's going to be a good contest."

"We'll probably break the hundred mark in Twinkies."

"First minute, we're probably looking at 25, then 20."

"We'll slow down towards the end but it's going to be right around the 100 mark."

jaws with the greatest trophy ever
Victory! Jaws with the greatest prize on Earth. © Ignatius Rake

At this point, while that Rake bloke tries to image what 100 Twinkies would look like and whether they would reach to the Moon and back, the interview is hijacked by a child of about seven, confused by the sight of a Californian standing in the autumnal Toronto rain in a pair of shorts and a Smoke's shirt with the sleeves rolled up.

"Aren't you cold?" he asks.

"I'm freezing!" Jaws replies.

"Put your sleeves down and the next time you should put pants on," the child, wise beyond his years, equally advises and admonishes.

"But I like to be comfortable when I'm eating," Jaws explains.

"I can't eat when I'm wearing pants."

For our British readers, it should be noted that Jaws was not actually going commando at the time.

You see, while the word 'pants' in the UK refers to undercrackers, nad rags, kaks, scuds or dunghampers, over on that side of the Pond it means 'long trousers'.

You know, them things what you wear on your legs.

It's from the French pantalon, I reckon.

But I may be wrong.

Although the budding cub reporter certainly isn't when he tells Jaws: "You're a good eater."

But Jaws' affirmative reply and subsequent thanks are simply not enough to satiate the cub's keen sense of curiosity.

"Why do you eat so fast?" he demands to know.

"I was in a competition," the pummeller of poutine and destroyer of dogs explains.

"They made me do it."

"I had to."

Remembering he's a hack on a mission to cover the story, that Rake bloke rugby-tackles the defenceless interloper to ground in order to posit a question himself, one Jaws has probably been asked umpteen times before: How did you get into competitive eating in the first place?

"My little brother," Jaws replies.

"He was a real fan of it."

"It's weird because I remember [Takeru 'the Tsunami'] Kobayashi's first time eating hot dogs in the US."

"He did 50 hot dogs and we were watching TV and I was like 'Oh my God, I bet I could eat 50 hot dogs' and he [Jaws' brother] was like, 'Yeah, I think you could'."

"I never thought about it again for a couple of years and then I was at college and I'd come home from eating healthy during the week and then eat like a madman."

"So he knew I could eat more than everybody so he made me do my first contest."

Not that that Rake bloke thought to ask him what it was.

The f--kwit.

Instead, he was more concerned with whether Jaws had a particularly large appetite growing up.

The answer is no.

"I think just the eating cycle I was doing in college actually prepared me because it's pretty much the same thing I do know," Jaws reveals.

"I eat healthy during the week then I eat a massive meal at the weekend."

"It's changed a little but that naturally set me up to be a really good competitive eater."

But how does he stop piling on the pounds, given that his sport requires him to scoff so much grub?

Does he pump iron like Jean-Claude Van Atlas?

"I don't work out too much," Jaws states, explaining that when he does, he usually injures himself.

"I push too hard and I hurt something in my body."

"It's a lot of dieting for me."

"I used to run more [and] hopefully I can start running again."

"I've just been really busy with eating right now."

"I'm a bit afraid of hurting myself because I've always got a contest coming up so I've actually been really careful not to work out too much and just make sure it's all dieting."

Jokingly describing his jaws as "like a German shepherd's" (the dog that is, not a Teutonic watcher of ruminant mammals), the übereater of übereaters notes that when he was younger it was these key gob components "that were the first things to give out and be tired".

"Then my capacity was the first thing to give out."

"Now it's not my jaws or my capacity."

"It's more the little muscles in my oesophagus that get tired first and that's always at the end of the contest."

"That's when I need to start drinking water just to kinda clear the throat out and get the food down."

"Now my jaws and my capacity are my strong points."

In a bid to build up his own jaw muscles prior to his début international poutine defeat, that Rake bloke had thought about going to a pet shop and buying one of them dog-chew-things that dogs chew on.

However, being the indolent git he is, he never "got round to it".

Instead, he just got pissed on my wages.

But what about Jaws?

Has he ever resorted to gnawing on Fido's rubber bone to build up his bouche?

"I haven't had to do anything like that," he says.

"I think just my natural training with food increases [jaw strength]."

"I'm always really careful."

"Like even today, I'll take a liquid amino acid and I'm always making sure my protein intake is decent."

"I am on a calorie deficit [!!!!????] a lot of the time so I'm more than worried about losing muscle."

But what about after he's eaten?

Does he have any particular post-match routines?

For example, what's he planning to do once he's escaped all this tedious questioning?

"I'm gonna take a shit and I'm gonna take a nap, drink some liquids and probably some adult beverages later."

Fair play.

That sounds like a plan to me.

Particularly the last bit.

jaws and megatoad
Bitter rivals: Like f--k they are! © Ignatius Rake

But come on, spill the beans.

What's all this about Jaws and Megatoad being locked in some deadly rivalry?

Do they really want to batter each other with garden implements or maybe run the other one through with a sharpened teaspoon?

"No, we're friends," Jaws states.

"He goes out on ladies night with my girlfriend [fellow gurgitator Neslie 'Sweetness' Ricasa]."

"They go out and get sushi together."

"They're actually very close."

"He's a good kid."

"When I started doing the eating contests I was 21 and he reminds me a lot of myself."

"And he's so competitive."

"It's great to see someone so awesome because I really do get complacent and with him getting better I have to keep my game up."

"I admit I get lazy when there's nobody else there to push me."

"I'm not going to eat any more than I have to and knowing he's at the contest makes me get into a viscous rhythm where I'm going to eat more."

"Even though I beat him by 4 lbs [in poutine], I didn't really know that during the contest but I knew that I had to keep pushing."

"Just having him in the contest makes me push harder."

"I enjoy it."

"I hope there's more people like that coming up."

"Him and Miki."

Ah, Ms Sudo.

So what does he think of the Las Vegas Tornado, who in 16 events in her first year with the League has beaten him twice and has yet to place anywhere below third?

"She's a beast!" he says with clear admiration.

Finally, though, the question that's been on literally everybody's lips all across the Multiverse: Does Jaws read the Rake & Herald?

"Yes, I do!" he affirms.

And let's face it, who could blame him?

Apart from that Rake bloke, Kok Wang, Miltov Lamprey and pretty much everybody else I have to work with, it's bloody ace.

Sort of.

In a way.

Top stuff, Jaws! Monster huge thanks for putting up with that Rake bloke's questions and, of course, for the celebrity endorsement. We think you're an absolute star! Massive thanks also for signing that Rake bloke's Smoke's T-shirt, even though he hasn't stopped banging on about it ever since.

See also Rake wins poutine wooden spoon, posted 23/10/13, and The champ gets chomping, posted 4/7/13.

This article deliberately contains typos. Can you spot them? If so, why not enter our fantastic find-a-typo competition, which has now been extended to include broken links? Bonzer!

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