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Pheasant and wood pigeon in cider

By pre-op rugged outdoors type Quim Dexter

Posted May 21, 2015
quim dexter and his bsa hornet

Pre-op Quim braves split nails to bag and cook some woodies.

Quim Dexter here.

I was given a brace of pheasants by a serving member of her majesty's armed forces who lives locally.

So, after slipping into a clinging silk nightie and applying liberal amounts of passion flower body lotion, I gave the pheasants a proper seeing to with a well-honed carbon steel blade.

Carbon steel takes and holds an edge far better than stainless but requires careful cleaning and oiling after use to prevent pitting.

Rather like the intimate feminine areas that I aspire to own after I have the operation.

As I breasted the birds, I looked down on my own and noticed that the hormonal treatment was really popping mine out there.

Pretty soon I'm going to have to buy a bigger bra.

Well, pheasant's good, but for my money, you can't beat good old wood pigeon.

I'd better do something to sort this!

The next day dawned at around 05:30 hours and I'd forsaken my high heels and curlers for a decent pair of shooting boots and a ghillie suit.

Grabbing my tuned and superbly accurate BSA Hornet, I headed out to a new permission where the grey hordes were royally shafting the landowner.

After fretting over a split nail, I scanned the area and settled down in a ditch below a beech tree whose buds proved as irresistible to the local woodies as mine would to a pub full of drunken matelots on extended shore leave, as long as I spoke high pitched and hid the bulges.

I quickly spotted an incoming woodie intent on stuffing itself.

It settled on a branch with no chance of a clean kill, but two of its mates bustled in behind it.

The Beezer gave a sibilant cough and the first bird was heading groundward.

One bird flew off, but its mate soon joined his greedy comrade and as more flew in and presented shots, my game bag was filling up rapidly.

I even had to temporarily ditch the compact and lipstick.

qum dexter cooks pheasant and wood pigeon in cider
Fresh from the field: Quim's badly packed kebab. © Quim Dexter

After an hour I had six so I called it a day and returned home with the prospect of a good meal.

Sticking The Wizard of Oz soundtrack on the stereo and grabbing my Opinel Number Six, I cleaned the birds and set a covered pan in the oven.

Slicing the pheasant breasts into strips and pouring in a good cider, I popped it into the oven at 180° for an hour.

Taking pitta bread, salad and hummus, I then fried the pigeon in olive oil and garlic with salt and pepper to season.

Fishing the broiled pheasant out of the cider, I browned it in the frying pan and downed the best kebab you could wish for.

Bleedin' marvellous!

Just in time for Ross Kemp in Watership Down.

Blimey, my nips look like Scammel wheel nuts.

See also Rabbit burgers with Quim Dexter, posted 19/3/15.

Quim Dexter
lives in a bender down Luxulyan Valley. If he met Bear Grylls, he'd "cook his innards and use the rest for a dress".

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