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EATING & DRINKING

Personal bests galore

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted June 26, 2013
megatoad sets personal best to go through to nathan's 2013
New high score: Megatoad powerchomps his way to Coney. © Matt Stonie

Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie, Neslie Ricasa, Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan and Christina Ginn have all gone through to Nathan's with personal hot dog bests.


Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie is off to next week's Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest having wolfed down 47 hot dogs and buns (HDBs) in 10 minutes at the tenth 2013 qualifier in Boston, Massachusetts.

Staged as part of the Phantom Gourmet BBQ Beach Party this past Saturday (22/6/13), the Major League Eating- (MLE) sanctioned all-you-can-eat gobathon not only saw the 21-year-old San Jose superscoffer notching up the highest qualifying total of the year, but also a new personal hot dog best.

Meanwhile, Neslie Ricasa likewise achieved what we're pretty sure was her highest score to date in the discipline, snaffling a seat at the Women's table with a full baker's dozen dispatched at the bell.

But that's not all because at the ninth knockout round at the Cypress Street Pint & Plate in Atlanta, Georgia the Saturday before (15/6/13), Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan also pulled out a crowd-pleasing personal best when he landed top gong with a belly bounty of 38 HDBs.

At the same time, Christina Ginn bagged her ticket to Coney by ramming 6.5 down her gob – a tummy tally that we'd happily bet Lamprey's soiled trousers was also her finest ever dog engorgement given that we can't find any previous mention of her on the excellent Eat Feats database.

Admittedly, we could be wrong on that one as apparently there's a first time for everything, but as John Ford said, "print the legend", so we're sticking with the above: two qualifiers, four personal bests and four more gurgitators off to Noi Yoik and the veritable FA Cup of competitive eating.

But what did the eaters themselves think of the two craw-cramming heats?

I know, let's ask some.


adrian the rabbit morgan nathan's hot dogs coney island 2013
I ain't gettin' on no plane: The Rabbit auditions for the A-Team. © Jordan Helveston


POSITIVE PRESSURE
"I feel I did good," Megatoad exclusively facebookates the Rake & Herald using modern technology that would have been condemned as witchcraft just 853 years ago.

"I was hoping for a little more but with everything happening how it did I can't complain," he continues, seemingly oblivious to the fact that if he'd used such a means of communication in Medieval France or Dark Ages Germany he may well have been burned at the stake.

Thankfully, he wasn't and as such states: "I did what I needed to do."

"The other contestants were great: a lot of them were locals but a few familiar names showed up too."

"I'm just glad that the Phantom Gourmet decided to bring back the Boston qualifier and I hope to defend and qualify there again in the future."

"I can't really say what I expect for the 4th."

"It's only a week away, but with it being crunch time the pressure might push me to make big gains, or it might not."

"Either way, [I] plan on seeing more than 47."

"I was definitely pleased with my number," the Rabbit reports via another equally exclusive new fangled facebookation with the Rake & Herald.

"Thirty-eight was a personal best for me, and that's all I'm usually trying to accomplish each contest."

"For the 4th, I am hoping to reach 40 and a Top Five finish."

"I think the added adrenaline will help me get there."

And we certainly hope it does.


WOT NO MOLLY?
On a more sombre note, the Rake & Herald can now confirm that Molly Schuyler, who won the St Paul, Minnesota qualifier with a gut count of 31 HDBs, will no longer be taking part in the Coney Island chowdown.

"I couldn't sign that contract," she exclusively facebookerises the Rake & Herald, referring to the legal agreement with MLE that her attendance would have entailed.

"With my family status and location I had to do what was best for me."

"So I am not going."

Which is a bloody shame because we reckon she would have kicked some pretty major hot dog buttock if she had competed.

Still, you can't have everything, right?

For example, I was seriously hoping that the odious turd sitting next to me would've been shot dead by the cops for drunkenly rampaging round a hospital with a chainsaw the other day.

Yep, that's right, errant Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie, self-appointed competitive eating pundit and total f--king bell end Kok 'Tosspot' Wang has now returned from his carnival of carnage without a single bullet wound to the head or heart.

And what's more, he's got company, for also joining us in the studio is his bound and gagged kidnap victim Nurse Draper, online purveyor of dodgy meds and the woman who threatened to turn me in for accidentally killing two-foot tall hitman and subsequent poltergeist Slasher McGee with a poisoned pie when I actually meant to bump off Kok for telepathically causing me to wrongly state that Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt was an off-stage vegetarian, which he most definitely is not.

Or maybe I was trying to top him for something else?

To be honest, I can't really remember now.

Anyway, Kok, you fat prick, what the hell is she doing here and how come you're not lying on a slab with your guts in a dish?


super paul bonebreaker bigmouth hangs up his eating gloves
Adieu, Super Paul: Bonebreaker Bigmouth making his last gurgitatory appearance in Atlanta. © Paul Barlow


KOK AND BALLS
I'd've thought that was bleedin' obvious, Sandi.

In a drunken fit of remorse for grassin' you up to the filth, who then mistook you for a man on account of your Stalin-like moustache, I decided to kidnap her to prevent her from blackmailing you.

Fack, you're thick.

I dunno why I bothered now.

Still, it's too late to go back, ain't it, nursey?

[Hang on. She's still got both her feet.]

Yeah.

So?

[I thought you'd cut one off with the office chainsaw. You stuck it in a box and sent it to me along with her hospital ID card for f--k's sake. It's over there decomposing behind the microwave.]

Nah, ya daft moo.

That wasn't her foot.

She also sells body parts over the interweb as well, don't she?

Bits she nicks off the stiffs in the morgue.

She's gots loads of 'em kicking abaht.

That was just my little joke.

[Along with the accompanying love note, I hope.]

Love note?

What love note?

Don't know what you're talkin' about, you ugly old boot.

Anyway, top chomping from Megatoad, Neslie Ricasa, the Rabbit and Christina Ginn there, and, of course, all the other gurgitators what took part in those two Nathan's qualifiers.

Four personal bests?

That's gotta bode well for the big day, dontcha think?

Of course, I'm not gonna try and take all the credit for Megatoad's win but he must've been well buoyed up to know I've got his name tattooed across me knuckles.

That sort of thing can really encourage a top-flight fighter, food or otherwise.

Take my mate Tyson Cock, for example.

Back in 2003, he got the word 'Tyson' tattooed on his penis for some reason that he's never fully explained.

Two days later, Mike Tyson fights Clifford Etienne at the Pyramid in Memphis, Tennessee and promptly knocks him out in the first round.

All 'cos of that tattoo on his nob.

Fackin' smart, eh?

But what I can't understand is why ESPN has decided not to televise the Women's Final live.

Instead they're gonna be showing some poxy tennis match or somethin'.1

That's bloody ludicrous.

This year's Women's title is gearing up to be a right royal battle royale and they're gonna be showing bloody Wombledon, or whatever it's called?

Muppets.

Fackin' muppets.

Not that it'll matter much to us food fightin' fans on this side of the Pond, mind, 'cos when that Rake bloke got in touch with 'em they told him you won't be able to stream any of it over the interweb here in Blighty anyway.

I assume that means everywhere outside the US and maybe Canada as well but you'll have to check that out yourself 'cos right now I can't be arsed on account of the other thing what's playing havoc with me marbles: Molly Schuyler not being in the Women's Final.

She's bloody ace, her.

Fack, I was well looking forward to seeing her and Miki Sudo battlin' Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas and 'the Lovely' Juliet Lee among others.

Still, the good news is that Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco is a pretty sure-fire bet for picking up the Women's wild card place, so I'm expecting some fireworks from her come the big day.

After all, she's been on crackin' form this year, outeating both the Black Widow and Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut in Indian tacos and ribs, respectively.

Not to take anything away from the Men's Final, like, but the Women's one's looking like it'll be fackin' dynamite.

So what the fack are ESPN doin' showin' a load of bleedin' balls bouncing abaht?

But then that's the fackin' media for ya, innit?

What the fack do they know?

Journalists – they're all fackin' cants.

Anyway, before I hand the mic back, I'd just like to doff my cap to 'Super' Paul 'Bonebreaker Bigmouth' Barlow, who has now hung up his eating gloves following his appearance at the Atlanta qualifier.

All the best for the future, sir, and monster respect for all your alimentary achievements and digestional derring-do over the past 11 years.

Not only does the greatest sport on Earth lose a great competitor, but it also loses one of the best eater names ever.

Keep breaking bones, Super Paul, 'cos we'll be as maaad as hell if you don't!

That was a reference to one of his YouTube shows, by the way.

He's a bit of an actor and presenter, you see.

And from what I've seen, pretty good to boot.

Now back over to Sandi, the stupid fackin' munter.


FULLISH RESULTS
Thanks, Kok.

It's rare that I agree with you, you great big talking piss flap, but hats off indeed to Super Paul Bonebreaker Bigmouth.

And that really is a great eating name.

Don't you agree, Nurse Draper?

[Mmmwhm! Mmmerh! Mmmmmmwweeeerrmmm!]

Come again?

Time for the results, you say?

Too right, and here they are based on the MLE Twitter feed and website; the ever excellent Eat Feats; and information supplied to the said Eat Feats by William 'Wild Bill' Myers and Ryan Shams among others.

Any errors, blame Kok.


TENTH NATHAN'S QUALIFIER, BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS (22/6/13)

1) Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie (47 HDBs in 10 minutes; Men's Seat, Coney Island, July 4);

2) 'Buffalo' Jim Reeves (21);

3) William 'Wild Bill' Myers (15);

4) Neslie Ricasa (13; Women's Seat, Coney Island, July 4);

5) Joao Paulo (12);

6) Pete Twiraga (8);

7) Robert Mulhausen (7.25);

8) Terri Reeves (7);

9) Stuart 'Apparently Wearing a Hot Dog Costume' Angus (6); and

10) Thom Beck (5.75).


NINTH NATHAN'S QUALIFIER, ATLANTA, GEORGIA (15/6/13)

1) Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan (38 HDBs in 10 minutes; Men's Seat, Coney Island, July 4);

2) Ronnie 'Megabyte' Hartman (16);

3) Steve 'Pi Guy' Martin (15);

4) Damien Boykin (13);

=5) 'Super' Paul 'Bonebreaker Bigmouth' Barlow (10.5);

=5) Name unknown (NU) (10.5);

7) NU (9);

8) Christina Ginn (6.5; Women's Seat, Coney Island, July 4);

=9) Ryan Shams (6);

=9) NU (6);

11) NU (5); and

12) NU (2.5).


Serious salutations to all who took part in the above two chowdowns and, of course, monstrously major lashings of gratitude to both Megatoad and the Rabbit for their exclusive quotes.

Big thanks indeed, sirs.

We hope you not only achieve your targets next week but go on to completely obliterate them.

All power to you both!

As a result of the above outcomes, Megatoad and the Rabbit will now take on six-times reigning hot dog chomping champ Jaws at the Men's Final alongside Jeff 'the Beast Man' Butler, Pete 'Pretty Boy' Davekos, Pablo Martinez, Aaron 'A-Train' Osthoff, Marcos 'the Monster' Owens, Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez, Yasir Salem and Notorious B.O.B., who ain't a bloody veggie, alright?

But shortly before that little lot go mano-a-mano with their mandibles and molars, Neslie Ricasa and Christina Ginn will cross oesophageal swords with Mary 'I Love 'Em Hot!' Bowers, Meredith 'Deep-Fried Diva' Boxberger, the Lovely, Dee 'Pi Gal' Martin, Larell Marie 'the Real Deal' Mele, Laura Riehman and Miki Sudo in an all-out battle to wrangle the Women's title from the Black Widow, the twice-reigning queen of the HDBs and the Rake & Herald's all-time favourite alimentary athlete.

Sadly, we won't be there in person to report on either mouth mêlée but rest assured that we will be employing the latest remote viewing techniques pioneered by the CIA to keep you, our beloved and cherished readers, informed of all the action and outcomes as soon as we possibly can.

Mind you, it's highly likely that 'Beautiful' Brian Seiken will be right there reporting on the spot, so it'd be wise to keep an eye on his BB.com website to catch all the bits and pieces our geographical handicap will prevent us from clocking.

Prior to all that, though, there are still two more qualifiers to get through in Queens, Noi Yoik and East Rutherford, New Jersey, both of which will take place this coming Saturday (29/6/13).

More details, including info on the upcoming Hooters qualifier in Las Vegas, not to mention the World Slugburger, Kimchi and Gyoza Championships (that's three different contests by the way), can be found here.

But before you go clicking on that particular link, why not give this rather good report on the Atlanta qualifier from the WSB-TV YouTube channel a watch?

After all, as well as footage of the eating it also includes interviews with both the Rabbit and Bonebreaker Bigmouth.





But who's the best Star Trek captain and what should you do in the event of a zombie apocalypse?

Time Bonebreaker Bigmouth asked the questions not answered them, me thinks.

Oh and look, here is doing just that...





Right, gotta go.

While I was embedding the above vid from Bonebreaker Bigmouth's YouTube channel, some bloke outside started shouting stuff through a loud hailer.

I didn't catch all of it but I'm pretty sure he said: "Armed police. You are surrounded. Let the hostage go or we'll kick the f--king door in."

Hostage?

Phew!

For a minute there, I thought he was talking to us.


See also Lovely and Monster head to Coney, posted 14/6/13.


To fully understand why Kok has kidnapped Nurse Draper, make sure you read Cardboard Shell on a roll, posted 10/6/13.


Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that FaceBook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.


Footnote


1) Actually, we might have dropped a bollock on that one. We tried working out the ESPN schedules but we kept being redirected to some UK site or something, which was of no help whatsoever. In which case, apologies all round. Fortunately, Eat Feats has got a post about it here but as we don't watch TV, either in the States or elsewhere, we're not really sure what they're banging on about. Indeed, the more we tried navigating our way around the ESPN website, the more confused we got. Sorry. Blame Kok, the stupid gunt.




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