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EATING & DRINKING

Nathan's and more

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted July 06, 2013
bear hot dogs
Hot dogs are go: Some of the 36 the Bear ate on the Fourth. © Jamie McDonald

Hot dogs and apple pie: the R&H looks back on July 4, a great day in gurgitatory history.


July 4, 2013 is now but a memory.

Even out here in space as we relax on board an extraterrestrial spaceship shaped like a used condom, sipping chilled Special Brew and eating marmalade with a spoon.

However, the ramifications of that great day will ring on like the reverberations of the Liberty Bell, the clear chimes of chow being changed to chyme filling the endless void of the cosmos forever.

For on that day, as expertly detailed in our fantastic Nathan's report filed by a certain beautiful if somewhat heavily moustachioed female hack yesterday, Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut, the übereater of übereaters, defied all physical and mental constraints to heroically devour a gargantuan 69 hot dogs and buns (HDBs) in just 10 minutes.

At exactly the same time before a crowd of 40,000 and a live TV and internet audience, the San Jose superhuman superscarfer also notched up a career Nathan's hot dog dispatchment of 442, the first Earthling ever to break the 400 barrier.

And when the bell rang and that final dog slipped past his lips, he also racked up his seventh, I repeat, seventh Nathan's victory, surpassing the six back-to-back contest wins clocked up by Japanese legend Takeru 'the Tsunami' Kobayashi between the years 2001 and 2006.

Furthermore, just a matter of minutes before on that momentous day, 'the Lovely' Juliet Lee came within three quarters of an HDB of dethroning Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas in the Women's engorgement extravaganza, the closest result since the contest was split between the sexes back in 2011.


the beast man and the monster
Nathan's newbloods: The Monster and the Beast Man. © Marcos Owens


R&H NATHAN'S AWARD WINNERS
But while it was ultimately Jaws and the Black Widow who lifted the coveted big belts and went home with wads of wedge worth $10,000 (£6,711) in their pockets, Independence Day 2013 was also marked by numerous other personal triumphs.

Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie, for example, not only notched up a new personal hot dog best of 51, but also jumped up the results table from fourth last year to second, his second successive placement improvement in this veritable Goliath of gobathons.

Similarly, Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan, Yasir Salem, the Lovely, Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco, Meredith 'Deep-Fried Diva' Boxberger, Mary 'I Love 'Em Hot!' Bowers and, of course, Jaws, all upped their engobulations, with Neslie 'Sweetness' Ricasa achieving the biggest tummy tally incrementalisationalism of them all.

Rising from ninth last year to sixth, Jaws' better half ballooned her showing from nine HDBs to 14.

According to our super advanced space calculator, that works out as an ingestion increase of 55.6% and as such makes her the winner of the Rake & Herald 2013 Best Gut Count Improvement Award.

So well done, Sweetness.

You must be over the Moon!

We would put a cheque in the post but as you're probably aware the Intergalactic Postal Workers Union (IPWU) is currently on strike so you'll just have to do with the kudos instead.

Sorry.

Blame the unions.

But it wasn't just the returnees who deserve mention in the esteemed cybertastic pages of the Rake & Herald.

Oh no sireee, Bob, for this year's Nathan's also so saw some gallant first-time performances from Aaron 'A-Train' Osthoff, Marcos 'the Monster' Owens, Pablo 'Pabs' Martinez, Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez (the winner of the Rake & Herald Best Dressed Gurgitator Award for his f--king ace headband and shades combo), Ronnie 'Mega Byte' Hartman, Christos 'Hot Dog Hercules' Kyriazis, Laura Riehman and Prudence Di Benedetto.

However, this year's winner of the Rake & Herald Best Newblood Award has to go to Jeff 'the Beast Man' Butler, who tied for sixth with A-Train on 31 HDBs in just his third Major League Eating- (MLE) sanctioned event and his second as a flully signed MLE digestional gymnast.

Massive respect to A-Train but in the event of a tie we have to give the gong to the newer of the eaters in contention.

Sorry, A-Train, but them's the rules and we don't make 'em up.

Top eating nonetheless, sir!

"I feel that placing sixth in my first Nathan's contest was decent for a rookie eater," the Beast Man exclusively facebookularises the Rake & Herald.

"I feel that after more contests and proper training, if I'm fortunate to make it back, I can increase my number and place in the Top Four next season."

"Just talking with veteran eaters like [Bob 'Notorious B.O.B. Shoudt] and Chestnut will help any eater become better."

"Eating in front of a large crowd wasn't intimidating to me because I just remember I'm not eating against the crowd or any of the competitors, it's just me versus the food; everything else will take care of itself."

The Beast Man will next be eating competitively at the forthcoming Day-Lee Foods World Gyoza Eating Championship, which MLE describes as "a marquee event on the MLE calendar that pits MLE's finest against deliciousness and one another".

Given his clear natural ability combined with his commendable mental attitude, we reckon he should do pretty well.

All power to you, Beast Man!


NATHAN'S VIDS LATEST
In terms of footage, we are happy to report that we have now found some shot by one of the spectators in the crowd, someone who goes by the name of adizzle615 and from whose YouTube channel we have embedded the following.

First up it's the tense tooth-off for the Women's title and then the battle for the Men's.

Nice one, adizzle615!








If, however, you prefer a spot of commentary with your clips, we suggest you head over to BB.com, where 'Beautiful' Brian Seiken has a view from the cheap seats for your pleasure, entertainment and enlightenment.

Meanwhile, as various Rake & Herald readers and writers, including religious affairs/football editor the Reverend Marcus Trepanning and culture editor DJ NRG Raver, have informed us, "Nathan's has gone mainstream", with even the bloody BBC covering the event in their own trademark wanky way.

What's more, the sickeningly sanctimonious Grauniad has also parroted off an AP report while simultaneously running a fortunately vox-free clip of the alimentary action.

Amazingly for the Grauniad, they didn't get Jaws' name wrong, although the BBC to their credit did balls up the Black Widow's belly bounty, misreporting her as having eaten 37 not 36.75 HDBs.

Sodding hacks.

Glad Lamprey puked down the back of the tele now.


TSUNAMI HITS MANHATTAN
But Nathan's certainly wasn't the only hot dog contest to take place on the Fourth.

Indeed, on the day itself, the excellent Eat Feats listed literally shedloads of contests awarding everything from under $100 right up to $15,000.

Fifteen grand?

Yep, that's right, 15k: the amount won by the Tsunami when he consumed 67 HDBs in 10 minutes at the Eventi Hotel in Noi Yoik's Manhattan bit.

Staged in conjunction with the launch of the Tsunami's own Kobi Dog hot dog brand, the event (we understand from posts on Eat Feats) also saw Dave 'Tiger Wings and Things' Brunelli picking up $5,000 for his second-placed engorgement of 34 while Dave 'US Male' Goldstein scooped bronze and sponds worth $2,500 for scarfing 28 HDBs and Wayne 'Wayney Wonder' Algenio $1,000 for 24.

We simply can't be arsed to go into the rift between the Tsunami and MLE and so instead direct interested readers to check out this article on the matter if they're so inclined.

Certainly, if you like your split-screen vision, then you might want to give this nicely edited vid from Nowthisnews a go as it pits Jaws and the Tsunami against each other in a manner unlikely to happen in real life for some time to come if ever.

Anyway, here now are the results as far as we can gather based on figures supplied to Eat Feats (which also gets a hat tip for the two above links) by Will 'the Champ' Millender, Wayney Wonder, Kobi Fan and Anonymous (not the hacktivist group by the way).


1) Takeru 'the Tsunami' Kobayashi (67 HDBs in 10 minutes; $15,000);

2) Dave 'Tiger Wings and Things' Brunelli (34; $5,000);

3) Dave 'US Male' Goldstein (28; $2,500);

4) Wayne 'Wayney Wonder' Algenio (24.5; $1,000);

5) Will 'the Champ' Millender (17.5); and

6) Dimitry 'Ukraine Train' Shchupak (17).


BEAR WINS FISH TALES
Moving away from the Big Apple, Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald was crowned Fish Tales Top Dog when he consumed 36 HDBs in 10 minutes at the Third Annual Fish Tales Hot Dog Eating Contest in Ocean City, Maryland.

Sadly, we don't have too much in the way of details to share on that one, although we understand that 'Gentleman' Joe Menchetti came second with 22.5 HDBs while the Guy on Gentleman's Left came third with 19.5.

If the prizes were the same as last year, Gentlemen should have snaffled up $500 while the Guy on His Left should have received $250.

If they weren't, they didn't.

What we do know, however, is the Bear, who had originally been billed to take part in the Eventi event alongside Johnnie Excel, who likewise pulled out for some reason or the other, has been rather busy of late with his new restaurant, Bear's Smokehouse Barbecue in Windsor, Connecticut.

Consequently, he hasn't been able to gurgitate so frequently.

"[It was a] good contest but [I] wasn't happy with my performance," he exclusively twitterises the Rake & Herald.

"Haven't been training at all and it showed."

"But I will be getting back on track", he continues, reporting that he now has "some help at the restaurant" and thus will "get more time to train".

This we are very glad to hear as the Bear is f--king ace.

In fact, we hope to soon run a slightly belated piece on the Bear topping the All Pro Eating (APE) rankings, so stay tuned for that.

In the meantime, here are the not-exactly-full Fish Tale results.


1) Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald (36 HDBs in 10 minutes; $1,000);

2) 'Gentleman' Joe Menchetti (22.5; $500 we think); and

3) The Guy on Gentleman Joe Menchetti's Left (19.5; $250 we think).


IRISH ACTION
The dog scoffing, though, wasn't purely limited to the States on the Fourth.

For instance, in fair Dublin City, where the girls are so pretty, Shane Byrne won a €2,000 (£1,722) trip to Noi Yoik after eating 7.5 HDBs in 10 minutes at the Eddie Rocket's US-themed restaurant.

From what we gather, unlike with Nathan's, the contestants were all selected at random.

This, we reckon, was a pity as Ireland is a growing hot bed of gurgitation and we would really liked to have seen such local Gaelic gourmandisers as Mark Coney, Thomas Burke and the Rake & Herald's own health and fitness editor Neil 'Glutton Number One' Thomas battling it out.

No disrespect to Shane, but we're convinced they could have trumped that figure significantly.

Anyway, that's just our opinion.

Perhaps you'd like to mull over it while watching this contest footage from IrelandLiveEvents' YouTube channel.

Or maybe not.

Hey, the choice is yours.





HOT APPLE PIE, ANYONE?
In the words of I Love 'Em Hot!, "July 4 is a celebration [and there's] no better way to say happy birthday to the USA than a good hot dog or 10."

Nevertheless, as Rake & Herald competitive eating editor Naader 'Freak8r' Reda clearly demonstrated in his latest audio-visual piece, Independence Day can also be celebrated through other means, such a by stuffing 12 apple pies down your trap as fast as you can.

Or, if you happen to be 'Asbestos Mouth' Aaron 'the Spicochist' Wakamatsu, you could always douse them in ghost pepper sauce first.

"Apple pie and vinegar-based ghost pepper sauce work well," he exclusively twitulates the Rake & Herald.

"Vinegar cancels some of the sweetness out."

"Coffee would have also worked great had I remembered to make some."

Coffee or no coffee, here he is doing his impression of an industrial-strength flame-retardant courtesy of his excellent YouTube channel.

Top stuff, Spicochist!





Congratulations to all gurgitators everywhere who shoved grub down their gobs on the Fourth.

Sorry we couldn't cover all your eating endeavours but maybe next year, eh?

Big, big thanks too to the Beast Man, the Bear and the Spicochist for their exclusive quotes and, of course, Beautiful Brian and adizzle615 and every one else across the globe that has ever posted a competitive eating video up on the interweb.

It's people like you that allow people like us to enjoy the sport.

You have our eternal gratitude!

Right, gotta go.

Our alien hosts are about to replicate more Special Brew.

Man, space f--king rocks!


See also, Sixty-nine bloody hot dogs!!!, posted 5/7/13.


To fully understand why Sandi is on board an alien spaceship drinking Special Brew and eating marmalade, make sure you read Nathan's tomorrow, mind, posted 3/7/13, followed by our exclusive Jaws interview, The champ gets chomping, posted 4/7/13.


Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that FaceBook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.



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