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EATING & DRINKING

Molly wins Wing Bowl XXII

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted January 31, 2014
molly schuyler celebrate wong bowl win
Victory! Molly (centre) sports her Wing Bowl crown. © Wing Bowl 22

Molly Schuyler smashes Kobayashi's 2012 record to lift Wing Bowl crown; Deep Dish second; Bear third.


Nebraskan food fighting phenomenon Molly Schuyler has defeated reigning chomping champ Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald and former Major League Eating (MLE) number two Patrick 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti to win this year's Wing Bowl gob-stuffing spectacular in Philadelphia, US of A with a tummy trumping tally of 363 formerly feathered fowl flappers over three rounds with a combined time of 30 minutes.

In addition to pocketing wedge worth $22,000 (£13,350) and a $7,500 Steven Singer ring, the superscarfing mother of four not only became just the second female1 to land the coveted chicken-covered crown, but she also set a brand-spanking new record, pulverising the 337 wings Takeru 'the Tsunami' Kobayashi scoffed against the clock back in 2012.

Similarly whipping his metaphorical cock out and micturating like a donkey all over the previous record, Deep Dish wasted no time in wolfing down 356 to come a pretty close second while the Bear snatched bronze with a gallant gut count of 304.

At the same time, former three-times Wing Bowl winner Jonathon 'Super Squibb' Squibb boshed 252 to finish fourth and drive away in a Chrysler 200 car as the local winner ahead of fellow final round finalists Dave 'US Male' Goldstein and Richard 'Uncle Rico' Franchesi, who respectively gourmandised 210 and 208 Gallus gallus domesticus appendages apiece.


QUICK! THINK OF SOME QUOTES!
As we don't as yet have any exclusive quotes to furnish you, yes YOU, our cherished and beloved readers with, I'll just have to do what hacks the world over do in such a situation: make some up off the top of my head.

"That was f--king phenomenal," Egon Arsebanger, who likewise wasn't there in person to watch the eating, tells the Rake & Herald in an exclusively fabricated phone call from his mum's house near Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire.

"I've never seen anything like it."

"In fact, I never saw it at all but that Molly Schuyler's flippin' fantastic."

"I knew she'd win."

"Either that or somebody else would."

Echoing these sentiments, Saffron Walden of Saffron Walden in Essex tells the Rake & Herald in an equally exclusive and made-up semaphore statement: "Face it, Molly's the dog's bollocks (which means very good indeed if you don't speak the Queen's)!"

"You only have to watch her eat that 72-oz (2 kg) steak in 2 minutes 45 seconds this past January 3 and in so doing trounce 'Furious' Pete Czerwinski's previous world record of 6 minutes 48 seconds to see that."

"She's bloody marvellous."

"I just don't understand why they stage Wing Bowl so stupidly early in the day, though."

"For some reason, as far as I can work out, proceedings kicked off at around six in the morning local time, which while alright for us Brits on this side of the Pond is hardly fair on the eaters."

"I mean, they don't even get a chance to digest their breakfasts properly."

"No wonder David 'Tiger Wings and Things' Brunelli lost his corn flakes in the second round."

"F--kin' scandalous, I call it."


molly in action
Room for one more? Molly gets stuck in. © Wing Bowl 22


FULL RESULTS
As Rake & Herald fashion editor, self-appointed competitive eating pundit, London cabbie and my bloody fiancé for some reason Kok Wang still hasn't returned from his stag do down here inside the Hollow Earth, I can't ask him to spout out a load of his typically ill-informed bollocks.

In which case I'll just bash out the results based on the Wing Bowl XXII Twitter feed and the ever excellent Eat Feats website if that's OK.

So here they are now.

Just don't ask me how long the first two rounds lasted 'cos I don't sodding know.

Honestly, you'd've thought they'd've included that sort of info on the official website somewhere but apparently no.

Well, not that I could see anyway.

Perhaps someone reading this could enlighten us.

Please.

Hint.


Final Totals After the Third Two-Minute Round

1) Molly Schuyler (363 chicken wings; $22,000, a $7,500 ring and a chicken-adorned crown);

2) Pat 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti (356);

3) Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald (304);

4) Jonathon 'Super Squibb' Squibb (252; a Chrysler 200 car as the local winner);

5) Dave 'US Male' Goldstein (210); and

6) Richard 'Uncle Rico' Franchesi (208).


Totals After the Second Round

1) Molly Schuyler (334);

2) Pat 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti (318);

3) Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald (297);

4) Jonathon 'Super Squibb' Squibb (238);

=5) Dave 'US Male' Goldstein (193);

=5) Richard 'Uncle Rico' Franchesi (193); and

Reversed) David 'Tiger Wings and Things' Brunelli.


Totals After the First Round

1) Molly Schuyler (186);

2) Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald (172);

3) Pat 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti (167);

4) Jonathon 'Super Squibb' Squibb (146);

5) David 'Tiger Wings and Things' Brunelli (144);

6) Dave 'US Male' Goldstein (126);

7) Richard 'Uncle Rico' Franchesi (123);

8) Breandan 'Skin & Bones' Lyman (104);

9) John 'Oink Oink' Bradley (102); and

10) Kevin "Qwazy" Ambs (95).


We're pretty sure there were a few other competitors in the first round, such as Dimitry 'the Ukraine Train' Shchupak.

However, that's about as much as we know right now, although we expect to have a full report/update for you in a bit once we've hassled people for quotes and the like.

In the meantime, here's a contest recap vid and some rough footage with a lot of lingering arse shots from the Wing Bowl XXII website (from where we also grabbed the above pics if you're wondering) followed by Molly destroying that 72-oz steak taken from her very own YouTube channel here (hat tip: Dave Lizard-Legs).

Then, once you've watched all that, why not have a read of our exclusive interview with competitive eating superfan and 2014 Nathan's finalist Val Bromann?

Go on.

You know you want to.














Right, gotta go.

I'm bursting for a piss.


See also Molly massacres Madison pizzas, posted 11/10/13.


Footnote


1) Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas is the only other woman to win Wing Bowl, something she achieved back in 2004 with an engobulation of 167.


Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that FaceBook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.



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