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EATING & DRINKING

Molly new Caribbean Queen

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted July 16, 2013
molly wins in bun and cheese and beef patties
Hail the new queen! Ukraine Train, Molly and Wayney Wonder. © Dimitry Shchupak

Molly Schulyer triumphs at National Caribbean Food Eating Championships while Bear sets new pulled pork record.


When MK Dons fan Billy Ocean recorded Caribbean Queen back in 1984 little did he know that just 29 years later Molly Schuyler would be crowned the real Caribbean Queen and not once but twice and on the very same day.

For that is exactly what happened this past Sunday (14/7/13) when Molly powerscoffed her way to glory during two back-to-back first-to-finish five-minute-maximum sprint eating contests at the All Pro Eating- (APE) sanctioned 12th Annual Royal Caribbean Bakery and Caribbean Food Delights National Caribbean Food Eating Championships in Lake Quassy, Connecticut.

That's right, Billy, and you'd better believe it because on that momentous day of digestional derring-do, the Nebraska-based grub basher didn't just win gold and $400 (£265) at the National Bun and Cheese Eating Championship by wolfing down seven bun and cheese sandwiches in just 1 minute 29 seconds.

Oh no siree, for a mere matter of minutes later, she also bolted back eight beef patties in 1 minute 46 seconds to claim victory at the National Beef Patty Eating Championship and scoop another $400 to boot.

What's more, while we're currently not too sure whether she also set two new APE records in doing so, we do know for a fact based on what we read on the APE website that she has also now earned the right to be "forever known as the Bun & Cheese Boss and the Premier Beef Patty Buffet Icon".

Not bad, eh?

Face it.

Molly's ace.

"The two foods were both things I had never had so I was a little out of my comfort zone and I don't like to go into a contest without trying a food," she exclusively facebookifies the Rake & Herald.

"I honestly was just hoping to get maybe a couple of seconds or a third."

"I totally didn't expect two firsts."

"It was tight competition as [Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald] is extremely quick and ['Gentleman' Joe Menchetti] was the previous title holder."

"Everybody did amazing and I can say that this was my favourite contest(s) that I have been to so far (given I have not been to very many)."

It was, Molly affirms in capital letters, "FUN!"

"Can't wait to do another contest with amazing friends and people!" she says.


buns and cheese not easy to eat against the clock
Tough to scoff against the clock: Some bun and cheese sandwiches yesterday last year. © Royal Caribbean Bakery


PUSHING THEIR LIMITS
Of course, Molly, Gentleman Joe and the Bear weren't the only alimentary athletes pushing the limits of their dexterity, eatability, jaw strength and capacity, to paraphrase APE chairman and emcee extraordinaire Todd Greenwald.

Indeed, joining them at the table of truth, justice and the gurgitatory way were Wayne 'Wayney Wonder' Algenio, Dimitry 'the Ukraine Train' Shchupak, Graham Kist and the truly remarkable Joel 'the Cannon' Podelsky, the man respectfully described by 'Beautiful' Brian Seiken over at BB.com as the "diet cop" on account of his recent and well bloody impressive weight loss: a whopping 104 lbs (47.2 kg) in 55 weeks.

But at the end of the day it was Gentleman Joe who pocketed $200 for second in the bun and cheese eating, followed by the Bear, who picked up $100 for third before landing a further $200 for second in beef patties, ahead of Wayney Wonder, who bagged $100 for his truly heroic bronze.

"I've never had bun and cheese before but I'm no stranger to beef patties," Wayney Wonder exclusively facebookates the Rake & Herald.

"The bun and cheese was very difficult to eat and I wish I had some practice with it."

"As far as a contest food, I would say it was my most difficult food to eat."

"It is very sticky and extremely hard to swallow."

"I actually got nervous about choking but I kept my cool and did the best I could."

"A lot of people thought Joe was going to win because he had the lead but Molly managed to shove down her last bun and cheese and swallow it whole."

And what's more, like all the other assembled eaters, she didn't get much time to digest it either.

"The beef patty contest was about five minutes after that," Wayney Wonder continues.

"For this contest I actually had the lead in the beginning but my capacity gave out on me so I slowed down," he says, explaining that he "had drunk too much water from the contest right before".

"Molly took the lead with Jamie in second."

"Then it turned into a race for third."

"I saw I was in the lead and just had to finish but Joe knew he couldn't stop because if I slipped up and had a reversal that third place would be his for the taking."

"So basically the second contest became a battle of capacity for third place and I managed to take third, which I was happy with."

"It covered gas and tolls and I had a great time with the other eaters."

"I got to meet Molly for the first time and I was extremely impressed by her performance."

"She went into this contest never having tasted a beef patty or bun and cheese and to win both was amazing."

"All Pro Eating did a great job organising the contest and getting the crowd involved."

"The crowd was great, yelling and rooting for their favourite eater!"


molly schuyler, jamie the bear mcdonald and gentleman joe menchetti
Get ready to scoff: Molly, the Bear and Gentleman Joe. © Wayne Algenio


THE ROAR OF THE BEAR
So what did the Bear think of the scarfing?

"The outcome was about what I expected," he exclusively emailurises the Rake & Herald.

"Very short sprints are not my forte but it was local to me and it was fun."

"Molly is a great competitor and I am happy for her wins."

"Right now my focus is on recovering my capacity for upcoming contests."

"This weekend is the Bartolini's meatball contest [21/7/13] so I am focused on preparing for that," he says, noting that "there will be some very strong competitors there".

Too bloody right there will because if we've got our facts straight then the Bear will be defending his 2012 title against erstwhile Major League Eating (MLE) number two and accomplished unicorn enthusiast Patrick 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti.

And that's not to mention the rest of the field, who will no doubt all have their eyes, gobs and guts firmly locked onto the $2,500 top prize.

So what can the public expect from this meaty mammoth mandible match?

Well, the last time these two giants of gurgitation met at the 10-minute Z-Burger Independence Burger Eating Championship in Washington, DC this past July 3, it was Deep Dish who walked off with golden guilder worth $1,250 plus Z-Burger food to the same tune when he outgutted the Bear 28 burgers to 26.

However, with all due respect to Deep Dish, the rightful King of King Cakes and Prince of Pancakes, it should be noted that at that particular point in time the Bear hadn't been gurgitating as frequently as normal, having been a tad tied up with his new Bear's Smokehouse Barbecue restaurant in Windsor, Connecticut, which, by the way, he describes as "going great", with the "biggest problem" being to make "enough food to meet demand".

And as the Cure observed in their kinda gothy hairspray-y way, that was then; this is now.

With three subsequent hot dog wins1 and a successful taco challenge under his belt coupled with more time to train thanks to taking on additional staff at his restaurant, it would certainly appear rash if not pure folly for Deep Dish or indeed anybody else to expect the Bear to simply roll over and hibernate at the table.

After all, on the eve of the Lake Quassy clashes, he once more demonstrated his boundless capacity and mental dexterity by mauling a record-setting 9 lbs 7.6 oz of pulled pork in 10 minutes during a New Britain Rock Cats baseball game, although probably not right in front of the pitcher during the middle of an innings, or whatever the correct terms are.

"The pulled pork was by far the hardest thing I have ever done," the Bear reveals.

Remember, this is the man who has, among many other things, nigh-on mechanically munched his way through 15 lbs of poutine in 25 minutes and 23 seconds and 67 IHOP pancakes in 46 minutes so such a statement is not to be taken lightly.

"That much meat is one thing but it was also over 90°F (32.2°C) out and over 90% humidity."

"Towards the end I thought I was going to pass out, but I kept pushing as this was a promotion for a local charity called Summer Sandwiches, which focuses on feeding children during the summer that cannot afford it otherwise, and I didn't want to let them down."

Now that is will power.


FULLISH RESULTS
And talking of not wanting to let people down – well, breaching the terms of my draconian contract, anyway – I should really at this point hand over the mic to Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok 'Bell End' Wang.

However, following his death as a result of an anal probing at the hands of a violent medical professional, this is not so easily done.

Not because he's now passed on beyond the veil into the world of Spirit, but rather because the aliens upon whose spaceship I am presently writing this have now summoned back his soul and reactivated his brain by wiring it up inside a jar filled with extraterrestrial rat plasma and supermarket Scotch.

That's right.

Kok's brain is quite literally pickled in whisky.

As such, every time he opens his artificial gob (suitably shaped like a mandrill's arse) all that comes out is an incoherent litany of obscenities.

No change there then, I hear you say.

But you're wrong, for while he can normally use at least three words not classed as swearing in a sentence, he now can't use any.

Take, for example, his response when I told him that the aliens had fried up his cadaver with onions and peas and that I had particularly enjoyed eating his heart, liver and gallbladder.

Most people would have been flattered.

Not Kok, though, who instead yelled, and I quote, "Cant fack bastard shit tits wanky nob!" repeatedly for a full three quarters of an hour.

Which is why I got Quarg, the spaceship's science officer and part-time plumber, to teleport him down to that planet made of chicken spunk we were orbiting while waiting for his toe nail crisps to cool down sufficiently to packet up and sell to tramps and drain cleaner junkies.

Unfortunately, the sentient rocks that swim about down there couldn't stand him either so they sent him back with a note telling us to piss off pronto if we didn't want to get ourselves vaporised by laser beams fired by highly trained cock weevils.

Bereft of options, I simply had no choice but to twoc a load of black market sleeping pills off of Nurse Draper, the woman who killed him in the first place, and then tip the lot into his brain jar.

Touch wood, this seems to have done the trick because he's finally fallen silent.

So, taking advantage of the window of opportunity presented me, here now, instead of a load of foul-mouthed Cockney gibberish, are the results as far as we can make out based on the APE Twitter feed and information supplied to the excellent Eat Feats by Will 'the Champ' Millender.

Just keep the noise down 'cos I don't want him waking up.

Ever.

Again.

For eternity.

The tosser.


THE NATIONAL BUN AND CHEESE EATING CHAMPIONSHIP, LAKE QUASSY, CONNECTICUT (14/7/13)

1) Molly Schuyler (7 bun and cheese sandwiches in 1 minute 29 seconds; $400);

2) 'Gentleman' Joe Menchetti (time unknown (TU); $200); and

3) Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald (TU; $100).


THE NATIONAL BEEF PATTY EATING CHAMPIONSHIP, LAKE QUASSY, CONNECTICUT (14/7/13)

1) Molly Schuyler (8 beef patties in 1 minute 46 seconds; $400);

2) Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald (TU; $200); and

3) Wayne 'Wayney Wonder' Algenio (TU; $100).


Apologies for not knowing everybody's times or indeed who came fourth, fifth and sixth in both contests, but, as Frank Zappa noted, that's just the way it goes sometimes.

But hats off nonetheless to all who took part, whether they were eating, organising, emceeing or simply spectating.

Ginormous thanks and gratitude too to Molly, Wayney Wonder and the Bear for their exclusive quotes.

We know it's a pain in the dill hole to be bombarded by questions from us when all you probably want to do is relax/party/let your dinner go down but your answers are essential to our coverage and very, very much appreciated.

Monster massive major thanks indeed.

And extra big, big thanks to Wayney Wonder and the Cannon for filming and uploading the following vids that we've embedded from their respective YouTube channels that you, our cherished and beloved readers, can check out here and here if you haven't done so already.

First up, it's buns and cheese and then beef patties from Wayney Wonder followed by beef patties from the Cannon.

Watch.

Enjoy.

And be amazed.











Right, gotta go.

The aliens are about to give Kok a new RoboCop-type body using a load of hairs and a bit of grit they found down the back of the sofa.

I just hope they forget to give him a mouth.

Mind you, he usually just talks out of ring piece, anyway.

Hence, the brown toothbrush when he can be f--ked to use it.


See also Bear tops APE rankings, posted 11/7/13.


To fully understand why Kok has no body, make sure you read Megatoad slugs Jaws in Corinth, posted 11/7/13.


Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that FaceBook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.


Footnote


1) This past July 4, the Bear won gold and $1,000 for eating 36 hot dogs and buns (HDBs) at the Third Annual Fish Tales Hot Dog Eating Contest in Ocean City, Maryland. Over the next two days he won a further $1,000 and $1,500, respectively, for topping the boards at the July 5th Durham Bulls Hot Dog Eating Contest in Durham, North Carolina and the Gray Gables Big Dog Hot Dog Eating Contest in Summerfield, North Carolina with corresponding gut counts of 19 and 34 HDBs, although we might have got that last contest's name wrong. If so, sorry. Blame Kok, the useless bollock.




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