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Molly massacres Madison pizzas

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted October 11, 2013
molly schuyler wins ian's pizza championship
Slice-slaying supremo: Molly shows off her pizza trophy. © Theresa Nachtigal-Schuyler

Molly Schuyler wins National Pizza Eating Championship while Bear takes silver, followed by Xanadu and Silo.

Molly Schuyler has stormed to victory at the Ian's Pizza National Pizza Eating Championship with a stonking great engorgement of 12.9 slices of 24" (61 cm) cheese pizza boasting a combined weight of 6.85 lbs (3.1 kg) in 10 minutes.

Held this past Saturday (21/9/13) in Madison, Wisconsin, the All Pro Eating- (APE) sanctioned gobathon not only saw Molly grabbing a grand (£625) and a trophy for her efforts, but also marked her fourth straight win in APE competition, having previously won top gong at the National Bun And Cheese Eating Championship and National Beef Patty Eating Championship in Lake Quassy, Connecticut in July and the Mushroom Festival National Fried Mushroom Eating Championship in Kennett Square, Pennsylvania this past September 7, which in a truly disgraceful dereliction of duty we completely and utterly failed to report on.

Sorry, but at the time of the fungi fest we were down the bottom of a disused tin mine in Cornwall, hiding for our lives from a cryptozoological big cat known locally as the Beast of Bodmin.

Anyway, we're reporting on it now, so if that Rake bloke wants to keep going on about it, he can shove it up his arse, can't he?

Oh, hang on.

We're not reporting on it, are we?

We're reporting on the Ian's Pizza National Pizza Eating Championship in Madison, Wisconsin.

Damn, I get so confused lately, ever since Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok 'Bloody' Wang threw that rock at my head.

The tosser.

Anyway, whatever it is we're reporting on, the fact remains that Molly beat off some pretty stiff opposition to win her pizza crown, outguzzling APE numero uno Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald, who put away 12.2 slices to collect cash worth $700 for second, and hat-wearing eating ace Stephanie 'Xanadu' Torres, who bolted back 10.2 slices to pick up $400 for third.

Meanwhile, UW-Madison student Eric 'Silo' Dahl gourmandised 8.9 slices to win a fourth-placed ton ahead of Devin Hess, who nabbed a nifty for fifth after scoffing 5.7 slices.

And just in case we are reporting on the Mushroom Festival National Fried Mushroom Eating Championship, Molly won that one with a brand spanking new record of 9 lbs in eight minutes, smashing the previous best of 5.5 lbs set by the Bear at last year's bash and in so doing netting herself a cool $800.

So there.

Satisfied now, Rake?

You'd better be or I'll kick down the door of your mansion and piss in your washing-up bowl again.

Although it may take a while for me to do that because right now Kok and I are somewhere deep inside the Hollow Earth, waiting for a flying disc known as a flügelrad (yeah, UFOs don't just come from outer space/other dimensions, you know) to take us to the heart of the subterranean Kingdom of Agartha, which is why we weren't able to catch any of Saturday's pizza pummelling first hand.

Fortunately, though, we know a man who was.

molly schuyler with ational mushroom eating championship
Fried fungi to boot: Did we tell you that Molly also set a new mushroom record? © APE

"The Ian's Pizza National Pizza Eating Championship was a picture of perfection – the crowd was perfect, the pizza was perfect, the weather was perfect and Molly's performance was perfect," APE chairman Todd Greenwald exclusively emailifies the Rake and Herald.

"There aren't too many 'perfect storms' but we witnessed just that on Saturday."

"It's always amazing to see eaters with the capacity, speed and talent like Molly Schuyler, Jamie McDonald, Stephanie Torres and Eric Dahl perform at such a high level."

"In the end, Molly's record-setting total made a very loud statement to the entire competitive eating community."

"Seeing Molly and Jamie battle each other at the table defined what All Pro Eating tries to verbalise when we say 'Food Warrior'."

"They pushed each other harder than I have ever seen at any competitive eating championship and it proved not only to the crowd, but also to me, that good competition always equals greatness."

"Everyone in attendance was already talking about 'next year' and what may happen in 2014."

"We won't know until that fateful day arrives, but for now Molly Schuyler is the name that everyone in Madison will remember as the competitive eater that made history on the 21st of September!"

Fair bloody play!

But what say Molly, who, just for the record, Rake, also won the Mushroom Festival National Fried Mushroom Eating Championship in Kennett Square this past September 7, winning $800 for her record-breaking belly bonanza of 9 lbs of fried mushrooms in eight minutes?

"The pizza at Ian's was really good," she exclusively facebookates the Rake and Herald.

"The crust on the edge was the downfall for everybody."

"Very chewy but overall delicious!"

"I may have beaten Jamie but he is an amazing eater."

"I think I had luck on my side."

"He is a force to be dealt with," Molly continues, adding: "I don't think I am anything special."

"The mushrooms were great also."

"They are actually one of my favourite foods so it made it a little easier to do."

"Overall, two great contests and lots of great people."

And one of those great people, of course, was the Bear himself.

"Pizza is a tough food as it requires a lot of chewing," he exclusively concurs with Molly in another equally exclusive emailerisationalism with the Rake & Herald.

"My jaws were just not up to the task."

"I have had to put training on the back burner for the last few months with the launch of the [Bear's Smokehouse BBQ] restaurant."

"Regardless, Molly is pretty amazing and she had a great contest."

And on he subject of the restaurant, the Bear reports that things are "going extremely well".

"We are looking at opening a second location in the next 60 days," he reveals.

"It is a hard business but very rewarding."

"I love to eat food but I also love cooking for people and seeing them enjoy what I have made."

Just don't expect him to do too much in the kitchen this coming weekend, though, because after competing in a dumpling contest in Noi Yoik City on the Saturday, the very next day (29/9/13) will see the Bear defending his title at the APE-sanctioned Great Pumpkin Farm 2013 World Hands-Free Pumpkin Pie Eating Championship in Clarence, near Buffalo.

Then the next weekend he's off to Canada to first brave the fiery furnace of a load of ghost pepper burritos before ploughing his way through yet more pizza the day after (6/10/13) at the Fourth Annual PIE Eating Competition in Barrie, Ontario, a mandible match of monster proportions that will see him pitting his gnashers against reigning champ Takeru 'the Tsunami' Kobayashi as well as, we gather (but could be completely wrong), former Major League Eating unicorn enthusiast Patrick 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti.

Meanwhile, Kok'll probably just be sitting around on his arse.

A quite impressive feat really, given that he'll no doubt be talking out of it at the same time.

Isn't that right, Kok, you dirty great flabwank?

stephanie xanadu torres
Get ahead, get a hat: Xanadu at a previous chowdown. © APE

Shut it, you duck-smuggling gas merchant, or you'll get another rock in yer boat.

And I don't mean no piddly little pebble neither.

Anyway, some outstanding engobulation there from Molly.

She may reckon she ain't "anything special" but I beg to differ.

She's one champion chomper, 'er.

In fact, Sand, while I suppose you have now technically reported on her record-breaking performance at the Mushroom Festival National Fried Mushroom Eating Championship, you totally neglected to mention that just nine days ago Molly was also named by APE as the World’s Number One Ranked Female Independent Competitive Eater and the World Number Two Ranked Independent Competitive Eater behind the Bear.

Bloody 'ell, there was only a bleedin' APE press release abaht it and if you'd bothered to read it, you daft slattern, you'd've seen 'ow it states that she's "completed and competed in over 20 different food eating challenges and contests" this year and as such is "also likely to be announced as 2013's Competitive Eating Rookie of the Year".

What were you doin', Sand, you stupid cow?

Playin' with your ringpiece again?

Fack knows, but you weren't bleedin' well writin' it up, were ya?

Now that's a bloody sackable offence that, especially as you didn't even mention that Molly's yet to be beaten in competition or lose a food challenge, somethin' that can be seen by anyone 'oo cares to look at the ever excellent Eat Feats database, you dozy muppet!

Fackin' 'ell, I've got a good mind to send a memo to Rakey demandin' the immediate termination of your fackin' contract, somethin' that'll not only result in you getting turfed out onto the street but also getting' yer brain caved in with a monkey wrench.

And don't think eternal editor AC89'll stick up fer ya this time 'cos I 'appen to know 'ee thinks yer a cant.

And so do I fer that matter.

Of course, I could be persuaded to change me mind, like.

P'rhaps if you gave me a Dutch rudder, for instance.

[Piss off, Kok. I still haven't stopped gagging from that Boston pancake you gave me when I passed out after all that scrumpy that Knocker gave us, you know, after we shifted all those pissy old mattresses from outside his front door. Just before he led us to this flügelrad stop and gave us some magic beans to buy a couple of adult singles to Agartha. Remember?]

Yeah, course I remember.

And it was a Cleveland steamer, actually, 'cos you woke up an' punched me in the glue gun before I could spend all me winnin's.

Anyway, Molly fackin' rocks, so I'm well chuffed to see 'er grabbin' gold, even if you don't 'ave the bloody decency to write up them press releases abaht 'er, you bone idle fackin' pube farmer.

Face it.

Beatin' the Bear's no easy task, even if 'is jaws are a bit out of shape of late, somethin' I 'ope 'ee can fully rectify in time for 'is next upcoming chowdowns.

Pies and PIE: the Bear versus the Tsunami versus Deep Dish?

Now that is gonna be one fackin' 'uge clash of the Titans, that one, so let's 'ope all three are on top form, plus, o' course, all the other eaters what take part.

'Oo knows, just imagine if some unknown turns up and beats the lot of 'em.

Admittedly, I doubt that'll 'appen but you can never rule anythin' out in this game.

I'll tell ya what, too, I certainly wish the Bear all the best for 'is second restaurant as well.

I 'ad a look at the menu of 'is existing one in Windsor, Connecticut earlier an' 'is grub looks well tasty, especially them moink ball things, whatever the fack they are.

Perhaps he could post us a load and we could review 'em.

An' talkin' o' reviews, 'aving a few weeks back slagged off the typically sloppy standard o' competitive eatin' coverage to be found in the mainstream press, allow me to now raise me titfa to Erik Sateren of the fan-fackin'-tastically named Badger Herald (no relation to the Rake & Herald, mind), whose write-up o' the Madison pizza poundin' 'as got to be one of the best reports I've come across outside o' dedicated sites like in ages.

I particularly liked his line – an' I 'ope 'ee or 'is publisher don't mind me quotin' it – "This deft combination of music and people shoving gratuitous amounts of lukewarm cheese pizza into their faces made for a glorious, almost transcendental sight."

Fackin' class!

I'll tell you what, Sand, Rakey oughta bleedin' give 'im your job.

[What? And at 48p and 12 cans of Special Brew a month, you think he's gonna accept?]

Nah, Rakey'd probably pay 'im in Kestrel Super.

That's proper classy tramp soup, that is.

That's why you only get it when you get a scoop.

Anyway, top stuff, Mr Sateren.

Keep up the good work.

An' as for you, Sandi, why don't you just fack off?

Or at least get a decent 'at like Xanadu or an education like Silo?

Accordin' to 27 WKOW or whatever it's called, Silo uses the wedge what he wins speed scoffin' to fund 'is computer engineering studies an' 'as so far raised abaht eigh'een grand American to that most worthwhile end.

Now that, Toxic, is somethin' I fully salute.

Unlike you, ya fat pig.

And you smell o' shit.

Yeah, and we all know why that is, don't we?

That bloody Cleveland steamer you dropped on my tits.


And now for the results based on the APE website, Twitter feed and FaceBook page; Eat Feats; Erik Sateren's top-notch article; the Huffington Post; and 27 WKOW or whatever it's called.

Ian's Pizza National Pizza Eating Championship, Madison, Wisconsin (21/9/13)

1) Molly Schuyler (12.9 8.5-oz slices in 10 minutes; a trophy; $1,000);

2) Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald (12.2; $700);

3) Stephanie 'Xanadu' Torres (10.2; $400);

4) Eric 'Silo' Dahl (8.9; $100);

5) Devin Hess (5.7; $50); and

6) Lana 'Marathon' Mades (we think) (Quantity Unknown).

Mushroom Festival National Fried Mushroom Eating Championship, Kennett Square, Pennsylvania (7/9/13)

1) Molly Schuyler (9 lbs of fried mushrooms in 8 minutes; a trophy; $800);

2) Kevin 'Qwazy' Ambs (5; $400);

3) Jared Robillard (3.75; $200);

4) Monty 'Moe Train' Wiradilaga (3.5; Male Amateur Winner; $200);

5) Kyle Quigley (3.25);

6?) Amanita Applebaum (2.25 lbs; Female Amateur Winner; $200); and

?) Joe 'the Lion' Satrana ("just under" 2.5 lbs).

From watching Joe 'the Lion' Satrana's informative vid on the Huffington Post (and which annoyingly we were unable to embed here on the Rake & Herald), we reckon a total of 11 gurgitators competed in the mushroom munching but at present their full identities and gut counts remain a mystery.


Ditto the sixth pizza pummeller, who may or may not have been Lana 'Marathon' Mades.

One thing is for certain, though, whether we know their names or not, massive congratulations to all who took part, emceed or in anyway had a hand in the above two chowdowns.

Huge, huge thanks too to Todd, Molly and the Bear for their exclusive quotes.

We know it's a hassle having to deal with nosy bloody hacks asking loads of questions, but your answers, time and help are all very much appreciated.

In fact, as a special reward, here's a short pizza report embedded from the website of the aforementioned 27 WKOW or whatever it's called.

Honestly, America, why can't you give your local tele stations simple and easy-to-pinpoint names, such as Wisconsin TV, for example?

I mean, what the bloody hell is '27 WKOW' meant to mean and how is anyone meant to know it transmits in Madison and not Anchorage, Alaska?

What's more, is it called 27 WKOW or 27 ABC WKOW?

Heck, why not call it ABC Wisconsin?

But I digress.

Here's the report in question.

WKOW 27: Madison, WI Breaking News, Weather and Sports

Right, gotta go.

Our flügelrad's just turned up.

Agartha here we come!

Apparently, there's loads of cheap pubs there.

And what's more, they do Special Brew on tap.


See also Molly new Caribbean Queen, posted 16/7/13, and Bear tops APE rankings, posted 11/7/13.

To fully understand why Sandi and Kok are about to board a flying disc to the centre of the Earth, make sure you read Yasir wins cannoli gold, posted 17/9/13. Meanwhile, to learn more about the Hollow Earth, have a read of The Hollow Earth revisited, posted 17/1/13.

Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that FaceBook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.

This article was first posted on the old R&H 25/9/13.

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