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Miki sets kimchi record

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted August 14, 2013
miki sudo wins chicago kimchi contest
Kimchi queen: Miki and friends contemplate her dry cleaning bill. © Ahn Phillip

Miki Sudo wins Chicago kimchi crown while the Black Widow and the Rabbit tie for second.

Face it.

Miki Sudo is bloody ace.

Even I can see that and I'm currently being held captive by incredibly short but vicious space pirates from the planet Fecal Bolus 3.

And if you don't believe me, let me just say one word.


That's right.

You heard me.

Kimchi, the Korean fermented vegetable matter-based side dish of which this rapidly rising rookie ruminatory regina rocketed down a total of 17 plates' worth with a combined mass of 8.5 lbs (3.9 kg) in six minutes to win the inaugural Chowdown in Korea Town World Kimchi Eating Championship held this past Sunday (11/8/13) as part of the Chicago Korean Festival in Chicago, Illinois, United States of A.

In so doing, Miki not only scooped wedge worth $1,750 (£1,132) but also claimed her second championship crown in just her sixth outing as a Major League Eating (MLE) gurgitator; her fourth win out of eight MLE-sanctioned events; and, and, I tell you, her first MLE record.

Not bad, eh?

"None who care about the eating arts and sciences shall forget this first," MLE says on its preeminently eloquent website.

"Because as the rain fell hard on this black-steam Chicago afternoon, Miki Sudo shone like a beacon to claim her first-ever MLE title."

"And it reads: Kimchi. Six minutes. Eight-and-a-half pounds."

"Next time you're at the grocery store [or 'greengrocer's' if you’re a Brit], ask for directions to the fresh produce aisle and weigh out 8.5 lbs of cabbage," MLE continues.

"Then imagine that cabbage being on fire."

"And fermented."

"And all together problematic for those not used to its charms."

"Well, Miki Sudo straight up owned that."

But that's still not all because while consuming all that cabbage in the appropriately named Windy City, Miki also clocked up her third victory over the Rake & Herald's all-time favourite alimentary athlete, the wonderful, the fantastic, the totally flippin' wunderbar Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas, who scoffed back 6.5 lbs to tie for silver with Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan, both of whom went home with brass in pocket to the tune of $700 (we kind of assume).

At precisely the same time, Erik 'the Red' Denmark (ETR) nabbed $250 for his 5-lb belly haul, narrowly edging out rap sensation and all-round superstar Eric 'Badlands' Booker, who racked up $100 for his tummy tally of 4.875 lbs.

Top stuff all round.

eric badlands booker and miki sudo prepare to eat kimchi
Pre-match smiles: Badlands and Miki in cleaner T-shirts. © MLE

So how did the 28-year-old Las Vegas resident find the championship kimchi chomping on Sunday?

"The contest was tough, just as I expected it to be," Miki exclusively reveals to the Rake & Herald in an exclusive twitterisationalism across the depths and breadths of the space-time continuum.

Or something.

"Kimchi was difficult to consume in competition for both its strong flavour and fibrous nature."

"Part of me was relieved that the contest was shortened [from 8] to 6 minutes," she continues, expressing surprise at the eventual totals being "so high in a six-minute event".

"I was very impressed with Badlands and ETR for their first encounters with kimchi."

"It's really bold to enter a contest without even tasting the food."

"It feels great to have earned my first world record in Chicago; I always have a great time when I'm there and the city's been good to me."

Meanwhile, speaking exclusively to the Rake & Herald via that FaceBook thing, the Rabbit exclusively states: "I felt like I did pretty good."

"I can't complain when I perform as well as a fierce competitor like Sonya."

"Miki just killed it."

"It was unbelievable."

But what about the grub?

"The kimchi was good," the Rabbit reports.

"It was spicy and flavourful, but I never felt like it was overpowering."

"I was kind of expecting it to be worse than it was."

"Overall, the contest was great: great crowd, great company and great competition."

"The kimchi contest was amazing," Badlands exclusively concurs in an exclusive facebookularisation with the Rake & Herald.

"The sponsor was so nice and made some delicious kimchi."

"I didn't know what to expect since I've never had kimchi before, but it was great!"

One gourmandiser who was certainly no stranger to the contest food before Sunday's super scarfing ensued, however, was the South Korean-born Black Widow, who completely non-exclusively informs the Rake & Herald and ergo the rest of the entire Multiverse via a posting on her website that she "was very happy" with her result, itself achieved "with no speed-eating practice whatsoever".

Paying tribute to her fellow gurgitators, she non-exclusively continues: "I can still very much hold my own against the top [competitive eating (CE)] stars in all foods, but my biggest limiting factor is jaw strength and the food in [Sunday's] contest required lots of it."

"With the level of CE talent today, and given the practice regimen undertaken by many top competitors, those few who do not practice are at a distinct, marked disadvantage."

"But that's an OK trade off for me because I neither have time (I work a full-time job) nor desire to practice my hobby."

"Given my true love for food, I treasure eating in peace, off the clock, when I'm not in a contest."

"All I ask for and expect at each contest is fair judging and I was satisfied with that process [on Sunday]," she says, thanking "all the organisers" and stating that the kimchi was "delicious".

So unlike the moss and mucus that the space pirates occasionally feed us when they can be arsed then.

Man, you don't know how much I crave a plate of mushy pitta dogs right now.

Still, I can't complain.

They were going to kill us and use our colons as pencil cases until I asked them if they had any knock-off Daniel Johnston tapes going cheap.

It turns out, you see, that while they aren't that kind of pirate, they nonetheless worship Daniel Johnston on their home planet as an artistic genius and musical prophet.

As such, they immediately bowed down before me in recognition of my musical taste, telepathically singing the words to Casper the Friendly Ghost while showering me with exotic crisps looted from the farthest reaches of the cosmos.

Then some dick full of counterfeit Viagra had to go and ruin it all by accidentally poking their leader in the eye with his angry trouser snake.

We were then clapped in hard-light chains, thrown into their ship's cesspit and told in no uncertain terms that we would be sold into slavery just as soon as we arrived at out next destination, some remote outcrop of granite somewhere.

Which is why I am now sitting neck-deep in a sea of shit with the same said total bell end who ballsed it all for me up with his unruly nob.

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce the ugly ignoramus whose wayward shaft of pink steel pissed on my chips and crisps – yeah, you've guessed it – Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok 'Bloody' Wang.

Mind you, at least I don't have to look at his stomach-churning face on account of his head still being on the wrong way round.

Isn't that right, Kok?

You uncontrollable prick.

adrian the rabbit morgan and crazy legs conti
That's a camera? The Rabbit (right) introduces Crazy Legs Conti to the wonders of photography. © Matt Stonie

Shut it, Sand.

Miki Sudo's just set her first ever MLE record and all you can talk about is how you nearly became some intergalactic pirate princess eating crisps on a bed of eiderdown all day long.

Well, frankly you disgust me.

And I'm not just talking about your resemblance to a dog's split rectum neither.

Anyway, fair play to Miki and indeed to all the other eaters at Sunday's six-minute all-you-can-eat gobathon.

I know for a fact that kimchi ain't the easiest of foods to bolt on account of what Rakey said about being force fed it like a baby by some waitress in Seoul a while back.

So hats off to the lot of 'em, especially those, who like Rakey, had never laid eyes on the stuff before, let alone tasted it.

But I'd be lyin' like a top politician if I didn't say just 'ow bleedin' chuffed I am that Miki won, even if it was at the expense of the Black Widow.

I don't care what anyone says, Miki Sudo is the dog's bollocks, which, if you don't speak proper, means she's fackin' ace and shouldn't be confused with 'bollocks', which in addition to a pair of hairy cobblers means the total opposite.

So there.

That's a free British English lesson for ya, innit?

It's like the difference between saying somethin's 'shit' or sayin' it's 'shit hot'.

Everything Sandi says is shit while everything I say is shit hot.

I'm the dog's bollocks and she's just bollocks.

And talkin' of shit hot, well done too to the Rabbit.

He's been clocking up some consistently top placements this year and I reckon that deserves a round of applause even if I can't move me 'ands at the moment.

Out of the 10 MLE-sanctioned chowdowns he's competed in since 2012 went the way of the dodo, including the Nathan's qualifier in Atlanta that he won with a gut count of 38 hot dogs and buns (HDBs) in 10 minutes, he's come second in four and third in three.

In fact, as far as I can make out from looking at the ever excellent Eat Feats database his lowest placing so far was still in the money when he picked up a grand for fifth at the Nathan's final this past July 4.

Indeed, as if to further ram home his totally fackin' excellent consistency, he won that fifth spot with another 38 HDBs down his neck.

He's solid, is the Rabbit.

So big shouts out to the man.

Respect to the Rabbit!

I just hope he can notch up a few more pole positions in the coming months 'cos I reckon he deserves it.

Of course, such is the nature of any competitive sport, be it bog snorkelling or archery, there ain't usually much room for more than one pair of plates on the winner's podium, so that said I'm well pleased to hear the Black Widow weren't too miffed with her performance as she no doubt 'ad a particularly firm eye on that crown just like I would as a Londoner if I were to enter a jellied eels contest, cor blimey strike a light, guv'nor!

Major salutes too to Badlands, a man I've long held in the 'ighest regard as both a gurgitator and a gentleman.

Incidentally, he's now got a pair of signature 'eadphones out.

I'd buy a pair meself but I ain't got a Walkman or whatever you call those iPatch things people listen to these days.

Plus, I'm right now being held prisoner on an alien spaceship on the wrong side of a wormhole from the Earth so it's unlikely I'll be poppin' down to the shops anytime soon.

Which is a pity 'cos I could fackin' murder a can o' Spesh right now.

Instead, I'll just have to make do with murderin' that stupid Toxic bint, whose fault it is I'm currently unable to get me 'ands on a pair of Badlands' 'eadphones.

Sorry abaht that, Badlands.

Blame Sandi, the ugly munter.

[Piss off, Kok. If you hadn't poked that pirate captain's eye out with your bloody bonk on none of this would be happening.]

Shut it, Sand, you're the one to blame for all this.

If you hadn't killed Slasher McGee with a poisoned pie, you'd never've been blackmailed by Nurse Draper, off of whom I stole those dodgy cock drops and out of some drunken sense of remorse for previously dobbin' you in to the cops for a larf I kidnapped with a chainsaw leading to that armed siege from which we only managed to escape when Gert Stonkers called in the help of his extraterrestrial pals whose spaceship we were on when we was raided by these bloody space pirates, you muppet.

So there.

It's your fault, alright?

And if I miss the gyoza gobblin' gobathon this coming Saturday in LA, CA, USA, I promise I will kill you with a fackin' ball-peen 'ammer.

I've been well lookin' forward to that particular munch-off 'cos, among other things, it'll see Miki once again takin' on both Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie and Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut like she did on her first ever fully signed-up MLE appearance at the World Deep-Fried Asparagus Eating Championship in Stockton, California back in April.

Then she came third behind Megatoad and Jaws, who came second, so I wanna see 'ow things pan out for all three this time round.

And talkin' o' Jaws, the boy done more than well this past Friday (9/8/13) when he ate 23 Joey's Seafood Restaurants Fish Tacos with a combined weight of 8.62 lbs in five minutes to set a new world record in an MLE-sanctioned exhibition of extreme eating in Calgary, Canada.

According to MLE, he "ate like a man possessed"; "like the man we all know"; and "like the man who doesn't need other elite MLE talent to his left and right to push himself to new 'eights of excellence".

So bloody fair play to him, I say.

You wouldn't see Jaws fackin' things up for an 'onest cabbie-cum-armed robber by poisonin' a bloody 'itman with a pie full of 'emlock, now would ya?

Nah, you wouldn't, 'cos 'e's a bloody 'ero, is Jaws.

Not like you, you sour-faced old wart bag.

[That's not fair, Kok. You know full well that Slasher McGee was an accident. That pie was meant for you, so it's actually your fault we're literally sitting here in the shit. If you'd eaten it and died like you were meant to, none of this would have happened and I could be turning tricks behind a skip round the back of Tesco's like my mum always wanted me to. Now I'm going to die a slave on some far-flung rock never once having been picked up by the fuzz for soliciting punters with the promise of a joyless bunk-up for 30 quid and a packet of Lamberts. Ruined. My life's ruined and it's all because of you, you useless piece of shit. I knew I should've stabbed you to death with a pair of scissors the first time I laid eyes you. Now it's all too late. My life is wasted! Wasted!]

Ah, leave it out, Sand, and don't start bloody cryin' like a floozy.

'Ow was I meant to eat that soddin' pie?

I was unconscious in 'ospital after the office got firebombed, remember?

Fack, you're thick.

[Yeah, but it only got firebombed because you owed Slasher McGee money in the first place, so it’s still your fault. All of it! It's all YOUR FAULT!!!]


You couldn't give me cock a quick rub, could ya?

Fack knows when these pills are gonna wear off but I could poke an 'ole through a cheap door with this bloody diamond cutter, I can tell ya.

I could even pretend to pay yer if it'll make ya feel better.

Go on, girl.

G'is an 'appy ending, yeah?

Sod off, Kok.

First of all, I've got my hands bound behind my back and secondly I've still gotta do the results, haven't I?

And here they are now courtesy of the MLE website.

Seriously, Kok, I so preferred it when you were just a brain suspended in a jar of cheap whisky.

I'll see if I can wriggle a hand free in a minute, OK?

1) Miki Sudo (8.5 lbs of kimchi in 6 minutes; $1,750);

=2) Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas (6.5; $700);

=2) Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan (6.5; $700);

4) Erik 'the Red' Denmark (5; $250);

5) Eric 'Badlands' Booker (4.875; $100);

6) Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco (4.75);

7) 'Buffalo' Jim Reeves (2.75);

8) Crazy Legs Conti (2.625);

9) Andrew 'the Bear' Kogutkiewicz (2.375); and

10) Matthew Raible (1.875).

As ever, gigantic pats on the back to all the eaters, emcees and organisers who took part or had a hand in Sunday's engorgement extravaganza and, of course, unfeasibly large thanks and eternal gratitude to Miki, the Rabbit and Badlands for their exclusive quotes.

Big, big thanks indeed and serious congratulations on your epic engobulations.

Big cheers too to the Black Widow for posting up her thoughts and comments on her website.

Sadly, we haven't as yet been able to track down any footage of the actual food fight itself.

However, here's an interview with the Black Widow conducted prior to the face stuffing that we've embedded from the website of ABC 7 News or something.

Then, to give you some idea of what Sunday's gurgitators were up against, there follows a vid taken from Megatoad's YouTube channel in which he gallantly fights off his bladder to scoff a 3-lb-10-oz jar of Costco kimchi.


Right, gotta go.

Sorry, Kok, you'll have to finish yourself off.

It looks like we've landed.

Besides, I've got cramp in my wrist.

See also Jaws ribbed by Sudo and Shell, posted 9/6/13.

To fully understand why Kok and Sandi have been captured by space pirates, make sure you read Jaws grabs big pair of Hooters, posted 29/7/13.

Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that FaceBook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.

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