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Megatoad wins Nathan's

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted July 05, 2015
matt megatoad stonie wins nathans
Neck and neck: Jaws (left) and Megatoad (right) neck dogs at the dog necking yesterday. © MLE

Megatoad defeats Jaws to bag Nathan's Mustard Belt; Miki Sudo retains women's crown.

Bloody hell!

In the upset of the millennium, Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie has pulled out a personal best of 62 hot dogs and buns (HDBs) in 10 minutes to unseat eight-times reigning champ Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut and win this year's Major League Eating- (MLE) sanctioned Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, Noi Yoik, Noi Yoik, US of A yesterday (4/7/15).

In so doing, the 23-year-old San Jose superscarfer squirrelled away sponds worth $10,000 (£6,422) and, more importantly, got his hot-dog-grease-smeared hands on the fabled Mustard Belt that some, such as my mate Jedd who lives in a shed down Gover, had begun to think was permanently welded and/or riveted to Jaws's midriff/waist.

"I was beginning to think the Mustard Belt was permanently welded and/or riveted to Jaws's midriff/waist," Jedd exclusively tells the Rake & Herald by semaphore after much prompting.

"Turns out it wasn't."

"Who'd've thought it?"

"Not me."

"But then, I stroke weasels and there's nothing wrong with that."

Meanwhile, the fabulous Miki Sudo retained her crown in the women's contest, gourmandising 38 HDBs to the silver-winning Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas' 34 to also pocket 10 grand American and snaffle the Sort of Ketchupy Pink Belt.

Shit hot, eh?

But what did Jaws have to say on the matter?

Well, shortly after the all-you-can-eat gobathon of gobathons he tweeted: "Wow! What a contest..."

"Matt Stonie did great and earned the title."

"I hate losing but I appreciate the motivation that follows."

So there.

Now over to Rake & Herald fashion editor, loudmouth London cabbie, convicted kerb crawler and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok 'Bloody' Wang.

Wotcha, Kok, you big fat talking bell end.

matt megatoad stonie and miki sudo win nathan's 2015
Victory! Megatoad and Miki with their belts and trophies yesterday. © Nathan's Famous

Wotcha, Sand, you syphilitic old tart.

And fair fackin' play to Megatoad!

I always said he could do it.

Hence why I got 'Megatoad' tattooed across me knuckles that time, innit?

In fact, a couple of years back I distinctly remember saying that in a couple of years he'd win Nathan's and I was fackin' right, weren't I?

So cough up those quids, you gormless gunt, 'cos I'm the fackin' geez!

Respect to Jaws, though.

The guy's still absolutely flippin' fantastic and that eight-year winning streak ain't something that's gonna be easy to beat.

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if it stood for many years to come.

Well, the next seven anyway.

But look at the results.

That was clearly a two-horse race that, although they weren't really horses.

They was humans.

Horses can't eat at Nathan's.

Well, maybe they can.

But I've never seen it.

Anyway, Megatoad does 62 and Jaws 60 but look at the next total, Tim 'Eater X' Janus's 35.5.

That's a gap of, hang on, where's that calculator?

Er, 63.

No, hold on.

That ain't right.

I'll do that again.

Yeah, that's more like it.

Twenty-four point five, which is what Eric 'Badlands' Booker boshed to place ninth.

Makes ya think, dunnit?

matt megatoad stonie and miki sudo win nathan's 2015
Magical Miki: Miki and the Black Widow (right) in action yesterday. © Nathan's Famous

But enough of the fackin' blokes.

What about the birds?

Well, major salutes to Miki outscoffing the marvellous Black Widow for a second year running.

She's another one I tipped for the top way back and when she won Nathan's last year I was once again proved fackin' right, weren't I?

Shame I'd been decapitated and then scooped out to form a canoe that ultimately sank in Mevagissey Harbour with the loss of 36 souls at the time 'cos I would've liked to have watched that.

Ah, well.

Weird thing is, both contests this year saw ties for 13th place.

What's all that about?

In fact, a total of five gallant gurgitators tied for 13th in total, which is totally spooky really.

In total.

You know 13's lucky in France, yeah?

Well, it weren't so in Noi Yoik yesterday because with just a few exceptions, such as Megatoad, Miki, the Black Widow and Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan, most returnees to the top table of alimentary athleticism saw their totals tumble a tad, most notably Brian 'Dud Light' Dudzinski.

Having scoffed 34 to tie for fourth with Erik 'the Red' Demark last year, he this year gulletised 19, a drop of – bear with me – er, 44.117647058824% to tie for 13th with Nigerian newcomer Gideon Oji.

Thing is, last year's totals were themselves down on the previous year, which was 2013, I think, with the Black Widow noticeably dropping from 36.75 to 27.75, her lowest Nathan's gob count, so Eat Feats says, since her 2003 contest début.

So what's going on there then?

Facked if I know.

Anyway, major respect to Yasir Salem, who did the opposite, rising up the table from 10th to sixth with 30 HDBs down his gob at the bell, up from 19.75 12 months ago.

He's a top bloke is Yasir, so I'm well chuffed to see him up his ante like that.

And on that note, I'm off to get pissed, which means 'drunk' not 'annoyed'.

Although I will be pissed off, which does mean 'annoyed', if there's no cash in yer handbag again, Sand, you scraggy old cant.

Kok out.

Thanks, Kok, you warty old ball bag.

Honestly, what a tosser.

Anyway, here's the full results based on the ever excellent Eat Feats and the MLE Twitter feed.

Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest (Men's), Coney Island, Noi Yoik (4/7/15)

1) Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie (62 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes (up from 56 last year); $10,000; the Mustard Belt; and a bloody big trophy);

2) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (60 (down from 61));

3) Tim 'Eater X' Janus (35.5 (down from 44));

4) Erik 'the Red' Denmark (33 (down from 34);

5) Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan (31 (up from 29));

6) Yasir Salem (30 (up from 19.75));

7) Geoff Esper (29.5);

8) Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez (28 (down from 32));

9) Eric 'Badlands' Booker (24.5 (down from 25));

10) Pablo 'Pabs' Martinez (22 (up from 17));

11) Steve Hendry (21.75);

12) Crazy Legs Conti (19.5);

=13) Brian 'Dud Light' Dudzinski (19 (down from 34));

=13) Gideon Oji (19);

15) Jeff 'the Beast Man' Butler (17); and

16) 'Nasty' Nate Biller (16).

Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest (Women's), Coney Island, Noi Yoik (4/7/15)

1) Miki Sudo (38 hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes (up from 34 last year); $10,000; the Sort of Ketchupy Pink Belt; and a bloody big trophy);

2) Sonya Thomas (34 (up from 27.75));

3) 'The Lovely' Juliet Lee (27.5 (up from 23.5));

4) Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco (26 (down from 27));

5) Larell Marie 'the Real Deal' Mele (16.75 (up from 14));

6) Meredith 'the Deep-Fried Diva' Boxberger (16.5 (down from 18));

7) Nela Zisser (16);

8) Danielle Gioia (15);

9) BeeJay Alexander (13);

10) Carlene LeFevre (11 (no change));

11) Lesley Ryder (10.5);

12) Liz McClurg (8.5);

=13) Mary 'I Love 'Em Hot!' Bowers (8 (down from 9));

=13) Crystin Pactor (8);

=13) Marlene Wigginton (8 (down from 8.5)); and

16) Angie Hendry (Total Unknown).

As ever, monster massive congratulations and huge respect to everyone who competed, emceed, spectated and generally had a hand in putting on another top-notch tooth-off.

Hats off, indeed!

And now, for your audio-visual entertainment and education, here's some footage of yesterday's food fighting we grabbed off the interweb.

Or, more specifically, the respective YouTube channels of Featured Patriots and WILLIAM FOSTER, which you can check out here and here if the mood so takes you.

Get on, boss!

Right, gotta go.

Kok's just shat in my handbag.


See also Sixty-nine bloody hot dogs!!!, posted 6/4/13.

Sandi Toxic
was raised by wolves inside a disused clay pit near Lanjeth. You can befriend her on FaceBook here. She is still quite feral.

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