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EATING & DRINKING

Megatoad turns the tables in tacos

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted March 30, 2014
megatoad wins
Master muncher: Megatoad claims his crown. © Matt Stonie

Megatoad romps to victory in Creek Indian tacos with monster gut count. Jaws takes silver; Miki Sudo bronze.


The manly mandible and molars of masterful masticator Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie have meticulously munched and crunched their way to magnificence at the monster marathon mouth mêlée that was the Creek Indian Taco Eating Contest at the Wind Creek Casino & Hotel in Atmore, Alabama.

The second of two back-to-back all-you-can-eat gobathons that together comprised the two-day Major League Eating- (MLE) sanctioned Wind Creek's Throw Down, this 8-minute scoff-fest yesterday (29/3/14) saw the 21-year-old San Jose student dietician deftly destroying 32.5 half-pound (227 g) Creek Indian tacos to not only notch up his first win of the 2014 MLE season, but also nab a nifty $2,500 ($1,502).


REVENGE IS DUE
Moreover, Megatoad's victory also served to exact revenge on Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut, who, having on Friday (28/3/14) knocked him into second in the Throw Down's pork sliders slaughter, was this time held at bay by he braying Toad of Meganess.

Although as Jaws simultaneously grabbed clams worth $1,200 for his silver-winning engorgement of 28.5, he can't be too glum about it but as the lowest form of gutter hacks it's our job to whip up controversy and sensationalise everything out of all proportion in a desperate attempt to shift more rags and thus rack up the ad revenues.

Which is precisely why we're trying to dress this up as some kind of grudge match when in all reality it probably wasn't anything of the sort.

After all, not only are the two top chomper good friends, but shortly after losing to Jaws in sliders, Megatoad took to that Twitter thing to announce: "55 pulled pork sliders for second place at tonight's contest. Not too shabby."1

Maybe we're wrong, but that hardly sounds like a man eaten up with vitriol and hate.

However, we're not going to tell you that because it'll complete shatter the illusion we're trying to foster and may also lead you to the correct conclusion that the media is full of shit that it spouts out of it twisted two-faced arse of a mouth like a delusional donkey with diarrhoea.

Nevertheless, what we will tell you, yes YOU, the cherished and beloved readers of the Rake & Herald, is that Megatoad's engobulation was a full 60% up on the 20.5 Creek Indian tacos Tim 'Eater X' Janus rammed down his gob to win last year's inaugural event, which means Megatoad must have also clocked up a new world record or something, so all in all he must be pretty chuffed with how things turned out.


creek indian taco
So that's what they look like! A Creek Indian taco a few days ago yesterday. © Wind Creek Casino & Hotel



SHELL SHOCKED AGAIN
And he's probably not the only one, for having previously placed fifth in sliders, Miki Sudo jumped back up the leader board with a belly bounty of 18.5 that saw her snatching $650 for third.

Meanwhile, Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco didn't simply net herself wedge worth $350 for her fourth-placed haul of 17 because in so doing she also notched up her second major upset in this competition in as many years.

Yeah, you heard me.

Having last year become the first female ever to outgob the Rake & Herald's all-time favourite alimentary athlete, the wonderful, the fantastic, the fantastically wonderful Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas when she placed second with a gut count of 16.5, Cardboard Shell this time around chose to knock erstwhile reigning champ Eater X into fifth, forcing him to cart off $200 for shoving 16 of the things down his north and south.

"Definitely didn't see that one coming, but I'm pretty stoked about it," Cardboard Shell exclusively facebookates the Rake & Herald just moments after the final results were announced.

"It felt like a different food entirely this year."

"So we all went in blind as far as strategies go."

"It was a pretty adaptation-based win, but I'll take it."

And who could bloody well blame her?

Probably not Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan, who, after placing fourth in sliders, rounded out the money with a taco-tastic tummy tally of 15.5 to take home a ton.

Top stuff all round.

But what, you may well be wondering at this rather late stage in the article, is a flippin' Creek Indian taco anyway?

Cue the ever eloquent MLE.

"The Creek Indian taco is only available at Wind Creek Casino & Hotel," it explains.

"That's right – you can only get these babies here and not even the internet has them."

"They feature a Native American fry bread on the bottom and ground beef and tacos toppings above."

"They are delicious."

Which might explain why 155.75 of 'em got gobbled up by a total of 10 gurgitators, including husband and wife food eradication team Steve 'Pi Guy' and Dee 'Princess Pi-Anna' Martin, in just 480 seconds flat.

What's more, if this calculator's not telling porkies, that means the average gob count per eater was 15.575, giving Megatoad a gargantuan gannetisationalism of nearly 2.1 times the mean.

Or something.


FULL RESULTS
To be honest, I'm not really sure where I going with all this statistical malarkey so before I get bogged down in standard deviation and the like, here are the full results based on the MLE Twitter feed.

While there were only three returning eaters this year, I've nonetheless bunged in their 2013 results to boot so you can do a spot of year-on-year comparisonisationalising if you fancy.

Sweet, huh?

Well, that's just the kind of person I am.

All donations and major credit cards accepted.


1) Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie (32.5 0.5 lb Creek Indian tacos in 8 minutes; what must be a new world record; $2,500);

2) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (28.5; $1,200);

3) Miki Sudo (18.5; $650);

4) Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco (17; $350; last year's #2 with 16.5);

5) Tim 'Eater X' Janus (16; $200; last year's #1 with 20.5);

6) Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan (15.5; $100);

7) Matthew Raible (9; last year's #7 with 11);

8) Steve 'Pi Guy' Martin (8.75);

9) Dee 'Princess Pi-Anna' Martin (6); and

10) Chef Horowitz (4).


UPDATE TO COME
Huge pats on the back and monster salutes to all who took part in the eating, emceeing, feeding, cooking, organising, watching and everything else really but extra special thanks and respect to Cardboard Shell for her exclusive quotes, which reminds me I now have to hassle the above for their take on events.

So if that's you, brace yourself for a load of tedious questions.

And if it's not, sit back and have a nice cup of tea because a full update/report jobbie will be appearing on the hallowed pages of the Rake & Herald just as soon as I'm done annoying innocent people in the name of journalism.

Oh, and if that is you but we don't hassle you it's because we don't have your contact details, you lucky gits.

But certainly please do get in touch if you'd like to give us a comment all the same.

Right, gotta go.

Need to think of some questions.

Hmm.

Where do babies come from?

Why is the sky blue?

And what's the difference between a goldfish?

Yeah.

That should do it.


STAY TUNED FOR A FULL UPDATE SHORTLY


See also Jaws slides past sliders record, posted 29/3/14, and (for last year's report) Megatoad beats Jaws with asparagus, posted 11/5/13.


Sandi Toxic
was raised by wolves inside a disused clay pit near Lanjeth. You can befriend her on FaceBook here. She is still quite feral.


Footnote

1) Megatoad's actual tweet read: "55 Pulled Pork Sliders for 2nd place at tonights contest. Not to shabby.." We edited it slightly for grammatical reasons. Yeah, we're pube-splitting pedants like that. Get used to it.



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