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EATING & DRINKING

Megatoad smashes gyros record

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted May 20, 2014
gyros action
Gurgitate those gyros! The Texan tooth-off in action. © David Duke

Megatoad outscoffs Jaws in Texas kebab battle while Sean 'Flash' Gordon and Marlene Wigginton go through to Nathan's.


Greece has bequeathed the world some of the greatest gifts imaginable.

Democracy.

Euclidean geometry.

The analogue computer.

And, of course, gyros.

But never before had anyone, human, centaur nor even minotaur, managed to consume 24 for these bread-bound meaty treats in 10 minutes flat.

No one, that is, until this past Sunday (18/5/14) when Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie took to the stage at the Niko Niko's World Gyro Eating Championship at the Houston Greek Fest in Texas and promptly shovelled exactly that number down his gizzard in a spectacular display of precision chomping akin to a specially trained wolf performing open heart surgery with a mouth full of industrial diamonds and a James Bond laser.

But then, in the words of emcee Sam Barclay, Megatoad "has obedient teeth", "the most obedient teeth in the whole of Houston".

And, boy, did he prove this to be so, pouncing on the opposition like a Hank Marvin tiger in this "pure capacity" championship chowdown, ripping through the meat, bread and salady stuff as though he were some ferocious gannet of the gods, utterly obliterating the previous world record of 22.25 set the year before by his arch rival and jolly good mate Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut, who, I'll have you know, he simultaneously knocked into silvery second place, your grace.

Yet more than simply advancing the cause of human evolution with his nuclear-powered gnashers and in so doing picking up golden guilder with a street value of $2,500 (£1,486), Megatoad also did something that will reverberate across the cosmos for aeons and aeons and aeons to come: he also avenged his recent deep-fried asparagus defeat at the hands of said Jaws.

As Sam observed, the day belonged to Megatoad.

It was his day.

It was St Megatoad's Day.

And so it will be known until the end of time itself.


GREAT JOB
Not that Jaws seemed too peeved, mind.

In fact, shortly after pocketing his cheque for $1,250, won on the back of a slightly diminished gut count of 21, the MLE #1 took to his Twitter machine to congratulate his fellow San Jose-based superscarfer on the "great job" he'd done at the Houston mouth joust.

Telling Megatoad that he had "earned the gyro record", Jaws then stated: "I hate losing but appreciate the focus [and] desire to dominate."

Always the gent, Jaws then charitably reminded Megatoad that there were just 47 days to go to the Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, Noi Yoik, a selfless act to ensure that the 21-year-old wouldn't get his dates muddled up and accidentally miss the gobathon of gobathons.

Which was awfully kind of him really.

The weird thing is, this year's result was the total inverse of what transpired 12 or so months back, when Megatoad beat Jaws at the 2013 asparagus engagement only to be knocked into second by him at the ensuing gyros débâcle.

Flippin' heck, I hear you cry.

What could it all mean?

F--k knows, but we here at the Rake & Herald can state with ironclad certainty that Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan pulled out another top-notch performance to seize $650 for third after gourmandising 12.5 of these Greek kebab-type jobbies, while Miki Sudo gobbled her way through 11 to free $300 for fourth.

Officially recognised by the Rake & Herald as the world's best dressed gurgitator, Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez also proved himself to be something of a hotshot gangsta rapper before noshing 9.5 to nab $200, outboshing Steve Hendry, who masterfully masticated eight to scoop sixth and trouser a ton.


papi and megatoad
Reporter and reportee: Papi, Megatoad and the belt of glory. © David Duke



EXCLUSIVE EYEWITNESS ACCOUNT
Now at this point, you, yes YOU, the cherished and beloved readers of the Rake & Herald, are probably thinking that we weren't able to watch the scoffing first hand on account of us slouching around on really rather far-out Atlantean sofas within the Hall of Records, aka the Secret Chamber, beneath the Great Sphinx of Giza where we now reside for just half the rent we were paying for our old pad inside the Hollow Earth.

Well, shove it up your fundament because nothing could be further from the truth!

Yes, like an extraterrestrial race plotting to take over your planet in order to turn it into a giant discount supermarket, we have our spies everywhere and Texas is no exception.

That's right.

You may have just thought that he was another face in the crowd, another spectator enjoying the sights and sounds of a full-blown Texan tooth tournament, but you'd've been wronger than a wrong-un in a wrong shop because David 'Papi' Duke was at the gyros gob job on well official business.

Official business as a fully paid-up Rake & Herald reporter and this is what he told us here back at head office courtesy of a collection of cutting-edge electronic communication contraptions that would make your teeth itch just to look at them.

Well, that FaceBook thing anyway.

"The gyro eating contest did not disappoint this day," Papi reports.

"The weather was relatively mild for late May in Houston, Texas at 85°F [29.4°C] with a slight cool breeze."

"The crowd was as thick as Niko Niko's tzatziki sauce."

"There were so many people, in fact, that the festival ran out of souvlaki right before the contest started."

"Sam Barclay never disappoints as emcee, but this year his pre-game show was even more special than normal."

"During his pre-game trivia contest for the audience, a woman managed to shout out the answer to his final question even before he asked it."

"Amazed, he brought the woman, who we only know as 'Jen', on stage."

"Clearly a modern-day soothsayer, he asked her to predict the results of the contest."

"Without hesitation she prognosticated that Matt Stonie would emerge the victor, and the crowd went wild."

"I had the pleasure of wishing Matt well before the bout and I could tell that he had a vengeful gleam in his eyes following his defeat at fried asparagus."

"The contest itself was a ripping one, with the tzatziki flying in all directions, especially during the signature neck-whips of Miki Sudo and jumps and wiggles of Matt Stonie and Joey Chestnut."

"At the beginning of the contest Matt and Joey were neck and neck, literally, but Matt began to pull ahead about a third of the way through."

"Matt finished on top having smashed Joey's previous record of 22.25 with 24 0.5-lb [227-g] gyros."

"A faithful fan, I wished all of the competitors a good game afterwards and even managed to snatch selfies with Stonie and Sudo."

"'Twas an epic day for eating, like a great Greek Odyssey."

And bloody hell, it sounds it!

Cheers, Papi.

Cheque's in the post.

See, we have eyes everywhere!

Including two inside my elbows that I subsequently used to peruse both the MLE website and the ever excellent Eat Feats database and thus cobble together the following full results.

Pretty smart, eh?

I should bloody coco!


NIKO NIKO'S WORLD GYRO EATING CHAMPIONSHIP, HOUSTON, TEXAS (18/5/14)

1) Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie (24 0.5 lb gyros in 10 minutes; $2,500);

2) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (21; $1,250);

3) Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan (12.5; $650);

4) Miki Sudo (11; $300);

5) Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez (9.5; $200);

6) Steve Hendry (8; $100);

7) 'Nasty' Nate Biller (6.5);

8) Mark 'BDP' Preng (5.5);

=9) Alex 'Moose' Perez (4.5);

=9) Tommy Miller (4.5);

11) Nicole Miller (3.5); and

12) Alex Brouskakis (3).


flash gordon
He's off to Nathans: Flash at a totally different Nathan's qualifier two years ago. © Jeremiah Layman



SPIRIT OF ST LOUIS
As you've probably sussed from the above photo, the gyros engorgement wasn't the only MLE-sanctioned mandible match to take place this past weekend.

Oh no siree, Bob!

For on the preceding Saturday (17/5/14) a select band of hopefuls gathered at the Busch Stadium in St Louis, Missouri in a bid to realise their dreams of competing at the aforementioned Nathan's gobfest spectacular.

But, so it is written in the texts of the ancients, only one man and only one woman at this qualifier, and indeed all others until further notice, would ultimately go through to the Coney Island consumption function.

Who, though, would it be?

Well, the answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind, the answer is blowin' in the wind.

Like bollocks it is, you longhaired hippy peacenik freak!

Because the answer's actually up on Eat Feats and the names of those two lucky engobulators are none other than Sean 'Flash' Gordon, who narrowly edged out Eric 'Badlands' Booker with a belly bounty of 27.5 hot dogs and buns (HDBs) in 10 minutes to the latter's 27, and Marlene Wigginton, who devoured 9.5 to beat off Rachel Steele, who gulletised half a dozen of 'em.

As a result of their scoffacious scoffings, Flash will now take up oesophageal arms alongside Aaron 'A-train' Osthoff, Pablo 'Pabs' Martinez and Erik 'the Red' Denmark on July 4 in a bid to topple seven-times reigning world hot dog champ Jaws (who was at the stadium to chuck a ball or something) from his pedestal of perfected pabulum pummelling, while Marlene will now seek to do something similar against Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas but in the company of Val Bromann, Carlene LeFevre and Mary 'I Love 'Em Hot!' Bowers.

As if often the case with qualifiers, mind, we don't know the names and placements of everybody who took part but here's what we've chiselled from Eat Feats nonetheless:


NATHAN'S QUALIFIER, ST LOUIS, MISSOURI (17/5/14)

1) Sean 'Flash' Gordon (27.5 HDBs in 10 minutes; Men's Seat, Coney Island, July 4);

2) Eric 'Badlands' Booker (27);

3) Kyle 'the Hammer' Hanner (20);

Placement unknown (PU)) Nic 'Former Missouri State Hockey Player' Zamora (16);

PU) Marlene Wigginton (9.5; Women's Seat, Coney Island, July 4); and

PU) Rachel Steele (6).


VIDEO TIME!
Major salutations and respect to everybody who competed or otherwise had a hand in either of the weekend's two bouche battles, but extra special thanks to Papi, who totally came up trumps with his kick-arse reporting.

Many thanks indeed, sir!

Now, as a special treat for all of you, here's some pretty comprehensive gyros chomping footage from the YouTube channel of Robb Zipp that we came across while rooting around Eat Feats.

First up, weirdly enough, it's the intros followed in chronological order by the contest itself and then the flippin' results.

Wicked!

Now sit back and relax because this may take some time…










Shit hot, eh?

But that's not all because here's a short vid from MLB.com regarding the St Louis qualifier.

Sadly, there's not much in the way of actual alimentary athleticism but, hey, you can't make your bed and eat it, you know.




Right, gotta go.

But not before I've performed my solemn duty as a member of the press and admonished the City of San Jose for not having erected monuments to Megatoad and Jaws, its two finest residents who bring nothing but pride, glory and international fame to the place.

Without them, you'd just be some city full of people and things.

Instead, you are the intergalactic tethering point for two of the greatest gurgitatory goliaths to ever grace this plane of existence.

So listen up, members of the local council or whatever you're called over in the States, honour your greatest sons with statues to rival the Colossus of Rhodes right this bloody minute.

One boshing some hot dogs and the other a load of gyros.


See also Jaws wreaks revenge, posted 24/5/13, and Words of the Wing War warriors, posted 17/5/14.


Sandi Toxic
was raised by wolves inside a disused clay pit near Lanjeth. You can befriend her on FaceBook here. She is still quite feral.




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