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EATING & DRINKING

Megatoad slugs Jaws in Corinth

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted July 16, 2013
matt megatoad stonie wins corinth slugburger eating contest
Mississippi mouth match: Jaws, Barclay, Megatoad and Boykin. © Chrystal Maire Smith

Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie beats Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut in slugburgers; sets new world record to boot.


Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie has retained his title as the supreme slugburger suzerain with a new world record at the Second World Slugburger Eating Championship in Corinth, Mississippi.

Staged this past Saturday (13/7/13) as part of the 26th Annual Main Street Corinth Slugburger Festival, the Major League Eating- (MLE) sanctioned 10-minute all-you-can-eat gobathon not only saw the 21-year-old San Jose superscoffer shoving 31 slugburgers down his gob to claim gold and pocket $1,500 (£993), but, arguably more importantly from a historical point of view, also witnessed him chalking up his second victory to date over 29-year-old San Jose superscoffer and MLE number one Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut, who slugged back 30 slugburgers to scoop a sum of silver sausage totalling $750.

But what, you may well be wondering, is a slugburger?

Cue MLE.

"In downtown Corinth, Mississippi – the spiritual home of the slugburger – you'll find many opinions and explanations," MLE says on its website.

"First up, the slugburger is not made from the terrestrial gastropod mollusc of the same name."

"A slugburger is a burger made of a mixture of beef and some form of breading extender which is then deep-fried to a golden brown."

"In earlier days, cornmeal was commonly used as an extender in slugburgers and animal fat was used for frying."

"In modern times, soybean meal has become the ingredient of choice, which adds some protein value to the creation, and vegetable oil is commonly used for frying."

"The standard garnish for a slugburger is mustard, pickle and an ample dose of onions."

So there.

Not that Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez would be in any doubt as to what these local delicacies look and taste like given that he ate 17.5 of them to land bronze and sponds worth $500.

Ditto Ronnie 'Mega Byte' Hartman, who finished fourth with 13 in his belly and a quarter of a grand in his wallet.


megatoad and more bite slugburgers corinth
First and third: Megatoad and More Bite. © MLE


EXCLUSIVE QUOTES
"It feels great to defend my first title and world record," Megatoad exclusively facebookates the Rake & Herald.

"With Joey there the pressure was high, but it made for a great contest."

"I love to win, but it's only satisfying if I really had to earn it."

"[And on Saturday] I had to earn it."

"As far as the record, I was honestly expecting higher."

"The buns were tough this year, so the totals were a bit dampered, but I managed to pull through still and top it by a single burger."

"It's my second time topping Joey and it won't be my last, but I take each contest one at a time."

"Joey's an incredible eater and coming off his performance this July 4 [when he won his seventh consecutive Nathan's title with a new world record of 69 hot dogs in 10 minutes] I have nothing but respect for how far along he's improved himself, but it's good to know he's human."

"Slug burgers are hard," says Mega Byte, a serving member of the US armed forces, in an exclusive twitterisationalism with the Rake & Herald.

"I just started doing this three weeks ago."

"I literally got off a plane from Afghanistan and did [the Nathan's qualifier in] Atlanta."

"I wanted to beat Kevin 'LA Beast' Strahle's number [of 18] from last year because I lost to him by one in New Jersey in Nathan's."

"I didn't get close, but Juan did worse than he did last year [down from 23.5] and he's a better eater."

"I learned [on Saturday] and I got paid, so I can drive home happy."

"I love the sport."

"It was my first time eating slugburgers," Damien Boykin, who placed sixth with 8.75 down his neck, exclusively facebookularises the Rake & Herald.

"They were pretty darn tasty."

"I would love to thank the kind folks that came out and all the local sponsors for a fun time."

And so would we.

But from kind folks we must now turn our attention to the kind of folks who talk out of their nipsies.

Yep, my thoughts exactly.

For after a few enjoyable weeks in which we didn't have to put up with his endless stream of verbal vomit, I am now sadly obliged to once again hand over the mic to Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok 'Dick Cheese' Wang.

The f--king gobshite.

Mind you, he's looking slightly different today.

Largely on account of him not surviving that protracted anal probe at the hands of Nurse Draper, the interwebular purveyor of counterfeit cock drops and stolen body parts that, to copy and paste myself from a few days ago, Kok kidnapped after she threatened to blackmail me for mistakenly killing a two-foot-tall hitman and subsequent poltergeist with a poisoned pie and whose abduction from her place of employment at chainsaw point ultimately led to the armed police siege that we only managed to escape thanks to the quick thinking of Rake & Herald film editor Gert Stonkers, who called in the help of the aliens he had spent the past nine months living with after he ill-advisedly mooned his arse at their UFO, from aboard which, of course, I am currently writing this report on a back-engineered ZX81 while looking through a porthole onto a planet orbiting Beetlegeuse that's made entirely out of chicken spunk.

That's right.

Kok did not survive his anal probe.

I reiterate: KOK WANG DIED in the process of having his bottom probed by a criminally-minded nurse hellbent on deadly revenge.

But don't get too excited because our alien hosts in their 'wisdom' have now removed his 'brain' from his shit-filled cranium and reactivated it by sticking it in a glass jar 50% filled with 40% Scotch all hooked up to a load of wires and a pair of artificial eyes akin to two pickled eggs on a couple of wobbly springs.

Worse still, they've also given him a mouth.

Although to give them their due, it does suitably resemble a mandrill's arse.

Isn't that right, Kok, you talking turd?


slugburthers in corinth mississippi
So that's what they look like: Some slugburgers at last year's chowdown yesterday. © Kevin Strahle


WHISKY IN THE KOK JAR
Shut it, Sand, you ropey old slapper.

My physical being may be reduced to just a brain floating in a tank full of Scotch and life-giving extraterrestrial rat plasma, but don't think I can't give you a right good psychic kickin'.

My telekinetic powers have doubled three-fold since the aliens stuck me in here so it wouldn't take much for me to stab you in the face with a pair of space scissors, you mouthy little muff mite.

And don't think I ain't sorely tempted to neither 'cos I was 'avin' a right good knees-up round the old Joanna in the afterlife with all me dead mates before them aliens dragged me back to this plane of consciousness just to stare at your ugly old boat, you spanner-faced warty old tart.

I've passed steamin' chair legs out me rusty bullet hole what's looked better than you, you fackin' 'orrible cant.

But enough abaht your plus points 'cos it's time to pay some major respect to the Megatoad, innit?

I should fackin' coco!

I always said he was bloody brilliant and that victory just goes to prove it.

Remember, this time last year he ate 30 slugburgers to rack up his first ever championship win.

Thing is, 12 months ago, while he was up against the likes of such formidable food fighters as Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan, More Bite and a then well rookie Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald, he didn't actually have to jaw off against Jaws himself.

Now, given that prior to Saturday's engorgement extravaganza Jaws had won 106 of the previous 156 championships and qualifiers he'd entered since April 2005 – not to mention his record-breakin' engobulation at the Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest just nine days before their Corinth craw-cramming encounter – it might have been understandable had a few doubtin' Thomases expected Megatoad to drop his crown in the dirt like Richard of York at the Battle of Bosworth Field.

But he didn't, did he?

Nah, he fackin' won.

Fackin' beatin' Jaws for the second time an' all, 'aving first outmunched him in deep-fried asparagus back in April.

Remember that?

Well do ya, Sand, you fackin' little pus welt on the end of a weasel's cock?

Fack, I ain't missed you, girl, I can fackin' tell ya.

But anyway, in the light of all that, plus the new record he set, I reckon Megatoad has every right to feel well fackin' chuffed with himself.

What's more, he don't have to go worrying about me no longer having his name tattooed on me knuckles 'cos I got Quarg, the spaceship's science officer and part-time plumber, to carve 'Megatoad 4ever' on me frontal lobe with a penknife, so you can all expect more Megatoad wins in the coming months, can't ya?

Course you bloody can 'cos he's bloody dynamite is Megatoad.

Hats off to Jaws, of course, and massive respect too to Mega Byte, clocking up his third Top Four result out of just four chowdowns there, and also Matthew Raible, whose name has been poppin' up in the results a fair bit of late but to whom I have yet to doff me cap.

And talkin' of caps, excuse me while I don my Rake & Herald fashion editor's hat a minute and point our that even though I wasn't able to actually see the action live, my highly attuned haute couture clobber detectors tell me that that was probably one of the best attired gobathons in a while.

Why?

'Cos not only was More Bite there in his award-winnin' shades and headband combo but so too was Damien Boykin, a man with undoubtedly one of the greatest beards in competitive eatin'.

So big up yourselves, the lot of ya!

Now stick a load more Scotch in me jar, you stupid cow.

Me mind's going all cloudy like an old man's piss again.


FULL RESULTS
Sod off, Kok.

I wish they had left you in the hereafter but regrettably they didn't.

Although if you want, I could happily send you back there via a food blender or steak mallet.

Take your pick.

I don't care.

Man, I preferred it when you had a body.

At least I could kick you in the nuts till you bled out your nob for a week.

Weird thing is, even as just a brain you still look like a big fat ugly twunt.

Still, that jar's gonna come in handy when I need a shit, that's for sure.

Anyway, here are the pretty much full results based on the MLE Twitter feed.


1) Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie (31 slugburgers in 10 minutes; $1,500);

2) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (30; $750);

3) Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez (17.5; $500);

4) Ronnie 'Mega Byte' Hartman (13; $250);

5) Matthew Raible (9);

6) Damien Boykin (8.75);

7) Don Potts (6.5);

=8) Dean Not Sure What His Surname Is (5);

=8) Christopher Not Sure What His Surname Is Either (5);

10) Jeff Stark (5.5); and

11) 'The Great' Taylor Coombs (3.5).


Serious salutes to all the eaters, organisers and emcees on Saturday and, of course, our huge, huge gratitude to Megatoad, Mega Byte and Damien for their exclusive quotes.

We realise it's a hassle answering our questions but without your input our reports would be like a bowl of cornflakes without the gin.

Or milk if you're one of those freaks.

Anyway, big, big thanks again.

Meanwhile, in news just in, it has now been announced that Jaws, Megatoad and More Bite will next lock alimentary horns at the Day-Lee Foods World Gyoza Eating Championship in LA, CA, USA this coming August 17.

Joining them at the table will be Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt, Miki Sudo, Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco, Jeff 'the Beast Man' Butler, LA Beast, Pablo Martinez, Steve Hendry, John 'Bastos' Bello, Mary 'I Like 'Em Hot!' Bowers and Dax 'the Ginger' Swanson.

But will Megatoad score his third win against Jaws?

Or will Jaws wreak revenge?

Or will Miki Sudo or someone else blow them all out the water?

Or will a bunch of pissed-up aliens in a spaceship shaped like a used condom appear out of nowhere and beam up all the grub before buggering off to scoff the lot on the Moon?

Who knows?

I guess we'll all just have to wait and see.

In the meantime, though, why not watch these two local TV slugburger reports we came across via the ever excellent Eat Feats?

Admittedly, neither of the vids (embedded from the WCBI and WTVA websites, respectively) have much in the way of actual gurgitatory footage but there are some nice little interviews with Megatoad, Jaws, 'the Great' Taylor Coombs and MLE's Sam Barclay.

Go on.

Put your feet up and have a watch.

You know you want to.










Right, gotta go.

The aliens are carving up Kok's body and I'm well hungry.

What's more, because he's always been a total pig it's not technically canibalism.

Not that that's ever stopped me before, mind.

I just hope they don't serve me up his turkey neck.

The last time I had that in me mouth I was sick all over a seal.

Don't ask.

We were in a zoo.


See also Megatoad beats Jaws with asparagus, posted 11/5/13.


To understand exactly how Kok died, make sure you read Bear tops APE rankings, posted 11/7/13.


Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that FaceBook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribed curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.




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