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EATING & DRINKING

Megatoad beats Jaws with asparagus

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted May 11, 2013
matt stonie beats joey chestnut
Asparagus hero: Megatoad in action and (left) his gleaming aspargus medallion necklace. © Matt Stonie

Megatoad usurps übereater Jaws in historic asparagus clash while Cardboard Shell becomes first woman to beat Black Widow. Fridge knackered.


Shit the bed!

Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie has claimed a truly historic win at the Major League Eating- (MLE) sanctioned World Deep-Fried Asparagus Eating Championship in Stockton, California, trouncing reigning chomping champ Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut in a 10-minute all-you-can-eat gobathon that saw the 20-year-old San Jose resident outeating the 29-year-old San Jose resident 9.5 lbs (4.3 kg) to 8.3.

What's more, if we've understood the excellent Eat Feats database correctly, Megatoad not only notched up his first ever victory over the MLE number one, but he also set a new world record by surpassing the 9.325 lbs (9 lb 5.2 oz) Jaws wolfed down his north at the 2011 event, although as no one in the entire bloody world seems to agree on anything when it comes to competitive eating records we simply can't be arsed to push the matter.

Especially as emcee Diamond Dave stated prior to the craw-cramming's kick-off that "the record is 9.51 [lbs] held by Joey Chestnut".

Either way, new record or not, it was a bloody monumental triumph that will live forever in the annals of the greatest sport on Earth, a result that will be indelibly etched into the hearts, minds and souls of all sentient beings everywhere no matter which part of the cosmos they call home.

So why the hell have we taken so long to report on it given that it actually took place two Saturdays ago (27/4/13) during the 2013 Stockton Asparagus Festival?

Well, shortly after chucking that horse's head through our window, diminutive hitman Slasher McGee decided to follow things up with a couple of molotov cocktails and a flaming dog turd to boot.

Fortunately, booze editor Dr Miltov Lamprey (struck off) had just pissed all over the floor again so no major fire was able to take hold.

However, what flames were present did cause the vast quantities of flammable gases that had built up over the past few weeks in the rubber nappy/diaper worn by Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok Wang to explode like an atom bomb, smashing my body cast and blowing up the communal fridge full of Special Brew that Kok was scratching his balls against.

And without Special Brew we can't work so we all buggered off down the park to panhandle for cash to buy some more.

Except for Kok, of course.

Who instead got rushed to hospital with a pair of burnt bollocks and a seven-inch (17.8 cm) shard of steel shoved up his weeping hog's eye.

It was well funny.

Especially the bit when he lost consciousness and smacked his head on that anvil.

Man, we had to push bits of his skull back in with a teaspoon.

I nearly wet my knickers.

Twice.

Anyway, thanks to some expert begging and the deft theft of a brand new fridge, we're now back in business and all set to report on Megatoad's outstanding alimentary achievement, which is exactly what we'd be doing right now if you'd just cut the questions and give us a bloody chance.

Honestly.

You people.

Nag, nag, nag.

Now where was I?

Oh yeah.

Conservatively likened by MLE to David's David-and-Goliath-like slaying of Goliath in that Biblical story about David slaying Goliath, Megatoad's expertly executed vegetable vanquishing saw him careering ahead of the field right from the get-go like a man positively possessed by the need to eat a shedload of food very quickly indeed.

Cheered on by the crowd, who shouted such handy advice as "Stand up straight and keep breathing!", Megatoad never once showed any signs of flagging as he powered his way through plate after plate of stinky-wee-wee-inducing plant matter to seize the top prize of $1,500 (£971) and what MLE describes as a "gleaming asparagus medallion necklace".

Jaws, on the other hand, who had only ever lost one of the previous eight World Deep-Fried Asparagus Eating Championships (to unicorn enthusiast Patrick 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti back in 2008), never once looked like he was going to outmanoeuvre the masticatory marvellous Megatoad, who just kept leaping ahead like a man-sized member of the Bufonidae family, i.e. a bloody big toad.

Thus, despite all his superhuman superpowers and no matter how much he tried to dance down all that deep-fried green stuff, Jaws simply had no choice but to settle for second-placed sausage worth $750 and no gleaming asparagus medallion necklace.

Meanwhile, making her first showing as a fully signed-up MLE gurgitator, Miki Sudo grabbed bronze and $500 for scoffing 7.5 lbs, which Eat Feats asserts is the highest ever gut count by a female gurgitator in the contest's long and noble history1.

Not bad, eh?


QUOTEY QUOTE QUOTE QUOTES
"The Great One [Jaws] was widely viewed by those present to have been 'gracious in defeat' and that he 'was very cool about it'," MLE says on the MLE website.

"Whatever."

"Those who know Chestnut, those who have peered into his black eyes before a contest, those who have witnessed him achieve greatness at the table, know this loss cuts deeply."

"Stockton Asparagus is the event that made Chestnut a household name; the event at which he earned his first career championship; the event he calls home."

"That 'that Stonie kid' would come into his domain and take what is his amid his flock, well, that's fighting talk."

However, MLE continues, "none could argue with the Megatoad's supremacy on the day".

"He ate with his trademark cleanliness and speed and led throughout, according to onlookers."

"In third-place was standout MLE newcomer Miki Sudo, who finished only half a pound behind Chestnut with a haul of 7.5 lbs on début at this event."

"Ms Sudo has the undivided attention of the eating community in the lead-up to this year's July 4 Nathan's Famous event."

"But the day belonged to Stonie."

"He picked up a weighty, smooth stone."

"He laid it gently in his slingshot."

"He took aim."

"And he fired."

"It was a bad day to be Goliath."

See.

I told you MLE likened it David's victory over Goliath, didn't I?

But what does Megatoad think of his win?

"For a lack of a better word, it feels great," he exclusively tells the Rake & Herald via that FaceBook thing.

"It's a bit surreal to think that I actually beat the world's best eater, but I've worked really hard for this moment."

"I came prepared and did what I needed to do."

"I'm just looking forward now to make sure this won't be the last."

And on that score, we're damn sure it won't be.

Come on, Megatoad.

Stand up straight and keep breathing!


Michelle Lesco beats Sonya Thomas
Taco-tastic: Cardboard Shell gets 'em down! © Michelle Lesco


CARDBOARD SHELL SHOCKER
But the World Deep-Fried Asparagus Eating Championship in Stockton wasn't the only MLE-sanctioned event that took place while we were off hassling people for loose change.

In fact, we're almost completely certain that on that very same day just 3,800 km away world belching champ Tim 'Eater X' Janus gourmandised his way to glory at the first ever Foodabluza Creek Indian Taco Eating Championship by scarfing down 20.5 half-pound creek Indian tacos in 8 minutes to pocket bacon to the tune of two and a half large.

But what the hairy pant knackers are creek Indian tacos?

Cue MLE: "The creek Indian taco is only available at the Wind Creek Casino & Hotel, a stunning development in Atmore, Alabama that offers guests a choice of toiletries at check-in."

"That's right – you can only get these babies here; not even the internet has them."

"They weigh half a pound, feature a Native American fry bread on the bottom and ground beef and tacos toppings above."

"They are delicious."

Thanks, MLE.

But what's a Native American fry bread?

Something a bit like a Hungarian lángos, apparently.

Whatever they are.

Anyway, while Eater X gobbled his way to gold in Atmore, arguably the biggest shocker concerned the battle for silver, which was ultimately won by Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco, who successfully slavered down 16.5 of these mysterious food things to win wampum worth $1,200.

Moreover, in so doing Cardboard Shell simultaneously became the first woman in the entire history of everything ever bloody anything ever to beat the Rake & Herald's all-time favourite food fighter, the wonderful, the fantastic, the all-round bloody amazing Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas, who bolted back 15 to bag bronze and bread becoming of $650.

So how does it feel to be the first female to beat the Black Widow?

"It feels surreal," Cardboard Shell exclusively informs the Rake & Herald via that very same FaceBook thing mentioned above.

"I expect to wake up tomorrow to realise it was all a bizarre dream."

"I have huge respect and admiration for Sonya and never thought I'd even come close to her numbers in a contest."

"Honestly, it wouldn't have been possible if I didn't have 'Nasty' Nate Biller eating next to me."

"I thought I was racing Nate for sixth, so I was just trying to eat fast enough to pull ahead of him and stay ahead."

"I figured Sonya would be plates ahead of me."

"I kicked it in hard but had no idea I had placed so well until [emcee Sam Barclay] came by with the numbers."

"It's an amazing but surreal feeling for sure."

Fair play, ma'am.

And fair play too to Nasty, who won wonga worth $350 for his gut count of 14.5; rap sensation Eric 'Badlands' Booker, who dognapped $200 for gulletising a baker's dozen; and Erik 'the Red' Denmark, who took home a tidy ton for his tummy tally of 12 times 22 take 253.5.

Plus one.

Or 11.5 if you're shit a maths.


BLACK WIDOW OYSTER ACTION
This historic MLE weekend, though, was not simply confined to the rapid consumption of deep-fried asparagus and creek Indian tacos, whatever they are, for just the day before (26/4/13), the Black Widow waltzed her way to victory at the equally inaugural Foodabluza Oyster Eating Championship by stuffing a jaw-dropping 445 oysters down her trap in a fork-tastic five minutes to capture clams with a street value of $2,500.

Indeed, MLE, an organisation that is clearly not shit at maths, calculates that the Black Widow attained an oyster engorgement rate (OER) of 1.48 oysters on the half-shell per second (oothsps).

"That's a dozen oysters on the half-shell every 8.11 seconds," MLE continues like a modern-day Euclid with a calculator, adding that were the Black Widow "to maintain this pace over the duration of the traditional eight-minute oyster event, we'd be talking 712 oysters in 8, or 59 dozen".

"Let's not mince words, people: Sonya Thomas is a total badass."

Admittedly, we're not exactly sure what to make of that last statement as Roger's Profanisaurus defines 'badass' as a "street term describing a freckle which is afflicted with farmers".

And we should know because it was that Rake bloke what submitted that very definition about nine years ago.

Along with 'Marmite kofte' and a few others.

However, we are most definitely inclined to agree with MLE's assertion that the Black Widow's Foodabluza figures again prove that she "is the greatest oyster eater ever".

For although she was beaten by Colin 'the Dromore Destroyer' Shirlow at the World Oyster Eating Championship in Hillsborough, Northern Ireland this past September, she pretty much wiped the floor with the competition in Atmore, knocking back a whopping 113 more molluscs than second-placed Eater X, who kerchinged $1,200 for scoffing 332 with an OER of just under 1.11 oothsps.

At the same time, Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan carried off a cash carrot commensurate to $650 for bolting back 318 bivalves with an OER of 1.06 oothsps while the Red rowed off in his longship with $350 for pillaging 266 shell-bearing filter feeders of the order Ostreoida with an OER of 0.89 oothsps, narrowly pipping both Crazy Legs Conti (CLC) and Nasty at the post, who squirrelled away $200 and $100 for necking 260 and 253 oysters, respectively.

Cardboard Shell, meanwhile, finished seventh with 252 and an OER of 0.84 oothsps, a placement that while earning her no wedge whatsoever was to have far-reaching repercussions just 24 hours later.

"I was feeling bummed about my showing at Nathan's this month and my ranking at oysters," she exclusively tells the Rake & Herald, "so I was bound and determined to finish in the money (top six) for Indian tacos."

So there you have it.

Sometimes the irritation of defeat can inspire victory in much the same way an irksome speck of grit can cause an oyster to form a pearl.

And what a pearl Cardboard Shell begat!

We absolutely bloody love the Black Widow here at the Rake & Herald but hats off to Cardboard Shell.

That was flippin' amazing!


Bob Shoudt beats Crazy Legs Conti in corn
Corn cob Bob: Notorious B.O.B. a few years ago yesterday. © MLE


CORN ON THE BOB
But will the loss of his crown at the National Sweet Corn Eating Championship in West Palm Beach, Florida the subsequent Sunday (28/4/13) inspire CLC to victory at next year's bash?

Who knows?

However, one thing is for sure: he won't win it back without a fight because the man who kicked him off his corn-cob throne was none other than living legend and Rake & Herald-certified hero Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt.

An off-stage vegetarian and therefore probably quite happy not to be munching meat for a change, Notorious B.O.B. wasted no time in clocking up a cob count of 35 ears in 12 minutes to garner gold and guilder grossing two grand Americano, as they say in Manila.

Not that Notorious B.O.B.'s triumph was a painless walkover, mind, for according to a report in the Palm Beach Post his victory came at a price – the price of a split lip.

Whether this was an injury incurred during the eating or whether it was inflicted by an enraged CLC fan to this day remains unclear.

Nevertheless, we can confirm that CLC, still officially recognised as culture editor DJ NRG Raver's favourite gurgitator, picked up silver and $1,250 with just one ear separating him from both Notorious B.O.B. and the Red, who plundered bronze and $750.

Not too far behind the top three, John 'Bastos' Bello grabbed $350's worth of booty for his belly bounty of 29 at the bell while Joe Noto popped his cherry in admirable fashion, picking up a fifth-placed ton-nifty for filling his stomach sack with 17 of the things.


THE KOK IS CROCK
And on the subject of sacks, at this point I would normally be contractually obliged to hand over the mic to the Rake & Herald's resident sack of shit Kok 'Bloody' Wang but thankfully the ignorant gunt is right now fighting for his life in an underfunded NHS hospital awash with the MRSA superbug and cockroaches the size of cockerels.

However, according to my mate Nurse Draper, who punts out dodgy meds over the interweb, he did briefly wake from his coma to shout the words "Megatoad to win Nathan's this year!" over and over again.

Until, that is, she smacked him round the head with a bedpan.

Apparently, he was putting her off her Sudoku.

But don't worry.

She worked it all out in the end and then did a couple of crosswords.

Anyway, enough about Kok.

Here are the results given in the order reported above and based on the MLE Twitter feed and the excellent MLE and Eat Feats websites.


WORLD DEEP-FRIED ASPARAGUS EATING CHAMPIONSHIP (27/4/13)

1) Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie (9.5 lbs of asparagus in 10 minutes; $1,500; gleaming asparagus medallion);

2) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (8.3; $750);

3) Miki Sudo (7.5; $500);

4) Steve 'Not the Scottish Snooker Player' Hendry (4);

=5) Dax 'the Ginger' Swanson (2);

=5) Jessie O'Con (2);

7) Tony 'the Man with No Discernible Surname' (1.75);

8) Ken 'ADHD' Douglas (1.5); and

9) Michael Stephenson (1).


FOODABLUZA CREEK INDIAN TACO EATING CHAMPIONSHIP (27/4/13)

1) Tim 'Eater X' Janus (20.5 half-pound creek Indian tacos in 8 minutes; $2,500);

2) Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco (16.5; $1,200);

3) Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas (15; $650);

4) 'Nasty' Nate Biller (14.5; $350);

5) Eric 'Badlands' Booker (13; $200);

6) Erik 'the Red' Denmark (11.5; $100);

7) Matthew Raible (11);

=8) Crazy Legs Conti (8.5);

=8) Don Potts (8.5); and

10) Damien Boykin (8).


FOODABLUZA OYSTER EATING CHAMPIONSHIP (26/4/13)

1) Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas (445 oysters in 5 minutes; $2,500);

2) Tim 'Eater X' Janus (332; $1,200);

3) Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan (318; $650);

4) Erik 'the Red' Denmark (266; $350);

5) Crazy Legs Conti (260; $200);

6) 'Nasty' Nate Biller (253; $100);

7) Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco (252);

8) Eric 'Badlands' Booker (192);

9) Damien Boykin (80); and

10) Matthew Raible (59).


NATIONAL SWEET CORN EATING CHAMPIONSHIP (28/4/13)

1) Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt (35 ears of sweet corn in 12 minutes; $2,000);

2) Crazy Legs Conti (34; $1,250);

3) Erik 'the Red' Denmark (33; $750);

4) Jon 'Bastos' Bello (29; $350); and

5) Joe Noto (17; $150).


Well done to all who took part in the eating, organising and emceeing and apologies to all those whose names we don't know.

We're well aware that there were more than five entrants in the sweet corn contest but that's all the information we have to play with right now.

Sorry.

Anyway, monster thanks to both Megatoad and Cardboard Shell for their exclusive quotes and major apologies for taking so long to run them.

Blame Kok, the bell end.

Massive congratulations to the pair of you on your respective triumphs.

Huge salutes are due!

And on the subject of salutes, big shout out to Dax 'the Ginger' Swanson, whose name we would like to see featuring on the scoreboards a lot more often.

You're a dude and we've been enjoying watching you on Stuffed.

Top stuff, sir!

And top stuff too to all the people who filmed, edited and/or uploaded the following vids, which we now invite you to enjoy in the comfort of your own home or wherever else you fancy, really.

First up, it's the full footage of Megatoad's historic asparagus win embedded from his superb YouTube channel that you can and should have a mooch round here.





And now, taken from 95KSJStaff's YouTube channel, here's some footage of the creek Indian taco eating.





Lastly but not leastly and courtesy of the Al.com website, here's a short snippet from the Foodabluza oyster eating extravaganza.







You can also watch some footage of the sweet corn munching here if you want.

We would've embedded it for you but for some reason we couldn't.

Technolology, eh?

Right, gotta go.

I wanna give Kok some flowers.

Hemlock mainly.

Crushed up and baked in a pie.

Well, it worked for Socrates, didn't it?


See also our exclusive Megatoad interview, The man with the toad in his eyes, posted 10/4/13.


To fully understand why Slasher McGee petrol-bombed the office and put Kok in the hozzy, make sure you read Jaws wins Wing War, posted 22/4/13.


Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that FaceBook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.


Footnote


1) According to Eat Feats, Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas achieved the previous highest female total of 6.25 lbs of asparagus in 2006.




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