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EATING & DRINKING

Las Vegas débutant ball

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted April 21, 2013
miki sudo and pablo martinez las vegas nathan's qualifier
Nathan's newcomers: Pablo Martinez and Miki Sudo savour success in the sun. © Pablo Martinez

Miki Sudo and Jeff 'the Beast Man' Butler have gobbled their way to Nathan's in a Las Vegas qualifier that saw all top four spots going to first-time contestants.


Miki Sudo has power chomped her way through to this year's Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, Noi Yoik with a gargantuan gut count of 40 hot dogs and buns (HDBs) in 10 minutes at yesterday's (20/4/13) fourth 2013 qualifier in her home town of Las Vegas, Nevada.

Not only did she achieve the highest qualifying total so far this year, but her dog displacement was just five short of the women's world record set by the superlatively superb Sony 'the Black Widow' Thomas at Nathan's last year.

What's more, according to the excellent Eat Feats website, Miki not only recorded the highest ever female Nathan's début performance, but also the highest since the contest switched to its current 10-minute format in 2008 and the second highest after Takeru 'the Tsunami' Kobayashi downed a whopping 50 HDBs in 12 minutes back in 2001.

Pretty impressive, huh?

Well, yours truly reckons it is, anyway.

In fact, I can't help thinking that this year's women's final could well be the closest yet, with the Black Widow, interdimensionally recognised as the Rake & Herald's all-time favourite alimentary athlete, likely to have a right flippin' fight on her hands come the big day.

But what about yesterday's chowdown champ?

What are Miki's thoughts on the matter?

"Sonya's an amazing competitor with a decade of experience," she exclusively tells the Rake & Herald by one of those twitterisationalisms you get on the interweb these days.

"It's an honour even to be mentioned with the greatest female eater."

"It was [also] an honour just to take the stage with such amazing competitors."

"I was overwhelmed by the crowd response and hope everyone had a great time."


DAZZLING DÉBUTS
But the local lass definitely wasn't the only newcomer to make a splash in the desert yesterday, with Jeff 'the Beast Man' Butler making his premiere presence felt by seizing silver and a seriously sought-after seat at the men's table by cramming 31.5 HDBs down his craw, an exceptionally fearless eating feat that the extremely fact-filled Eat Feats electronically fanfares as evidently the fourth highest début dispatchment to date and the second best since 2008.

Meanwhile, fellow Nathan's newbies Tom 'Goose' Gilbert and Pablo Martinez gormandised 31 and 29.75 HDBs, respectively, to place third and fourth and claim the contest's equal fifth and eighth all-time best first-time face-stuffings and its third and fifth under the 10-minute regime.

Furthermore, Goose's tummy tally of 31 also puts him in the lead for the men's wild card place, or wild Goose card as the case maybe.

Sorry, that was an abysmal pun, but as a gutter hack I simply couldn't ignore it.

Just like I couldn't ignore the presence of Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco at the Las Vegas war table, who has now donned the yellow jersey for the women's wild card thanks to her sixth-place total of 24.

Sadly, one person who is usually very hard to ignore for all the wrong reasons is Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie, self-appointed competitive eating pundit and all-round gobshite Kok 'Bloody' Wang.

Fortunately, though, we've hardly heard a peep out of him all day on account of him being all sheepish after drunkenly trying it on with me following the Black Widow's victory in last week's Rouses Crawfish Eating World Championship in New Orleans.

Honestly, it's been great.

In fact, if wasn't for the ongoing string of pearls leaking uncontrollable from his still poisoned ring piece like a chorus of flatulent frogs, you'd hardly have noticed him at all.

Providing you kept your eyes shut, of course, and didn't for a moment glance his bloody-hard-to-miss near-naked blubbery mass as it sits like Jabba the Hutt in nothing but a stinking rubber nappy, or diaper as they call them in the States, itself straining against the odds to keep all his his bellicose bum goblins at bay.

Isn't that right, Kok, you frothing great bowl of rat mucus?


las vegas nathan's stage
The quiet before the storm: The Las Vegas war table. © MLE


KOK SLIME
Don't flatter yourself, Sand.

I'd rather find a fresh barker's egg in me favourite dinner than try it on with you.

Besides, I was off me bollocks on whisky so it don't count, you bug-eyed festering arse polyp.

Not that I did, anyway.

It was you what came onto me, you drop-drawers hussy.

Women just find me irresistable.

They like a man with power, see.

[Powerful farts, more like.]

Shut it, Toxic.

And what an impressive line-up yesterday.

Just look at some of those names on the ruminatory roster – Erik 'the Red' Denmark, Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez, Kevin 'LA Beast' Strahle.

A wealth of speed scoffin' experience there.

But at the end of the day, it was a definite débutant ball, with the Beast Man, Goose and Martinez all putting in totally heroic cherry-popping performances to scoop second, third and fourth.

And given the people they beat, they must've been well chuffed.

I'll certainly be keeping a careful eye on all three as the year progresses, especially the Beast Man as something tells me he could well be gracing the headlines on an increasingly regular basis.

Top stuff, sirs.

And, of course, top stuff too from the ultimate winner and notably natty dresser Miki Sudo.

Forty bloody dogs and buns!

What a way to throw yer 'at in the ring!

I'm fackin' well stoked, although I can't say I'm all that surprised to be honest.

Ever since she first got into the sport for a dare at the end of 2011, her gob-stuffin' star's been rising like a rocket above the gurgitatory horizon, especially so since she set a new Las Vegas Wing Bowl record back in January with a total gut count of 147 fried fowl flappers in 17 minutes.

In fact, I can't help thinking of her as the female version of Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald, the man who in his début year last year clocked up more than 60 odd contest and challenge victories as though he'd been doing it all his life.

Thing is, not only is Sudo the first woman to win a qualifier outright this year, but had she eaten that little lot at last year's Coney Island clash, she'd've placed second ahead of 'the Lovely' Juliet Lee, who won silver with 33 HDBs down her pie hole.

Moreover, had Sudo done that in 2011, she'd've tied for first with the Black Widow 'erself.

Obviously, I can't say who's gonna win this year as it's not some bare knuckle boxing match I can easily throw with a few bungs and a couple of beatings but I'll tell yer what, I reckon it's gonna be well bloody tight.

And let's hope Cardboard Shell will be there on the wild card too 'cos that 24 she done in Vegas was just 1.5 off her bronze-winning 2012 total and to see her missing out on this year's spectacular would just be so unfair I'd have to lamp some random geezer round the bonce with me tyre jack again.

Or better still, wrap it round your misshapen head, Sandi, you stomach-churnin' Gorgon.

Unless, of course, you fancy going for a drink with me later to celebrate Birthday Girl's big day, that is.

I'll even put some clothes on for yer and maybe change me nappy.

Go on.

'Ow about I wheel you and your full body cast down to the Iron Lung for a few white wine spritzers and a pickled egg?

Then we could catch a scud movie over in Soho.

Mucky Phil's just got a load of fresh ones in from the Dam.

Proper filth, too.

I know 'cos I helped him smuggle 'em in through Customs.

So 'ow about it?

I'll buy you a kebab if you give me cloth tops.


FULL RESULTS
Thanks, Kok, but I've just checked my diary and it seems I'm pulling my fingernails out with a pair of pliers tonight.

Another time maybe.

Like when you're six feet under and I've just pissed all over your grave, you smeg-faced bell end.

And now for the full results based on the Major League Eating (MLE) Twitter feed and website:


1) Miki Sudo (40 HDBs; Women's Seat, Coney Island, July 4);

2) Jeff 'the Beast Man' Butler (31.5; Men's Seat, Coney Island, July 4);

3) Tom 'Goose' Gilbert (31; Men's wild card lead);

4) Pablo Martinez (29.75);

5) Erik 'the Red' Denmark (27.5);

6) Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco (24; Women's wild card lead);

7) Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez (22);

8) Kevin 'LA Beast' Strahle (21);

9) Andrew Kim (14);

10) Mark 'Probably Not Him Out of Level 42 Thankfully' King (11);

11) Raiders Fan (5); and

12) Birthday Girl (3).


So what happens next?

Well, other than Birthday Girl getting to blow out some candles and a monster hangover probably – many happy returns, by the way – Miki will now join Larell Marie 'the Real Deal' Mele, Dee 'Pi Gal' Martin and Mary 'I Love 'Em Hot!' Bowers in taking on the Black Widow at Coney Island while the Beast Man will go dog-to-dog against Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut alongside Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt, Pete 'Pretty Boy' Davekos and Yasir 'the Doggy Bag' Salem.

Meanwhile, the next Nathan's qualifier will take place in Naples, Florida this coming May 4, with a further seven slated to take place in June.

Full details can be found here.

Anyway, well done to all who took part yesterday and good luck to all those still looking to qualify for the July 4 mandible match.

Big, big thanks too to Miki Sudo for her exclusive quotes and total respect for the fantastic début, ma'am.

Sadly, we don't have any footage of Miki chomping to glory in Las Vegas, but here's a recent vid from competitive eating editor Naader 'Freak8r' Reda's YouTube channel in which she devours a 28" (71.1 cm) 10 lb (4.5 kg) Big Mama's & Papa's pizza in the record time of 22 minutes.

Yep, she can definitely eat, can our Miki.

Enjoy.





Right, gotta go.

Kok's been on the phone to Slasher McGee, his two-foot tall hitman mate, and now he keeps looking at me all weird.

To be honest, I think I preferred it when he fancied me.

I wonder if he's still up for that kebab.


STOP PRESS: STATS UPDATE



It has just been confirmed by OJ Rifkin, the statistical superbrain behind the excellent Eat Feats website and database, that Miki's Las Vegas victory was only the second time ever in Nathan's history that a female gurgitator has defeated all the male competitors present to walk away with the gold.

In May 2011 at the Atlantic City qualifier, it seems, the Black Widow went through to the Women's final with 34 HDBs down her gut, outeating the Men's winner Pat 'from Moonachie' Philbin, who gulletised 27.

Then the following month at the Pittsburgh qualifier, the Lovely tied for first on 28 HDBs with Aaron 'A Train' Osthoff.

So there.

Cheers for that, OJ, and further congratulations to Miki, who, if we've done our sums right, also claims the largest lead (8.5 HDBs) by a winning female over all the blokes in a Nathan's chowdown.

Or something.

Either way, cups of splosh and garlands of flowers all round.


See also Cool Hand Miki, posted 11/4/13.


Is Kok really in love with Sandi or is it all just part of some devious criminal masterplan? Make up your own mind but only after first reading Four in a row for Black Widow, posted 14/4/13, to get the full facts and clues.


Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that Facebook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.


(Stats update 22/4/13)




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