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EATING & DRINKING

Jaws wreaks revenge

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted May 24, 2013
jaws megatoad gyros
Grudge match: Jaws (left) goes head-to-head with Megatoad (right). © Niko Niko's

Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut has avenged his recent asparagus upset by outchobbling Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie in Houston to set a new gyro eating record.


Revenge is a dish best served with tzatziki and meat shaved off a rotating 'elephant's foot' in the manner of a Turkish döner, an Arabic shawarma or, if you prefer the Greek variant, a gyro.

For it was exactly 22.25 of these Greek kebab jobbies that Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut transmogrified into mush this past Sunday (19/5/13) at the Niko Niko's World Gyro Eating Championship in Houston, Texas, a 10-minute all-you-can-eat gobathon sanctioned by Major League Eating (MLE) and staged as part of the four-day Houston Greek Fest.

In so doing, Jaws not only raked in reginald worth $2,500 (£1,640) but also set a new intergalactic record, obliterating the total of 21.5 gyros he scoffed back in 2011.

And yeah, we've checked both the MLE website and the excellent Eat Feats database and that is definitely a new record regardless of whether you want to split pubes or not.

So there.

More importantly, Jaws' Greek-themed gustatory glory-getting also went some way in rectifying his recent asparagus usurpation at the hands and chompers of San Jose master masticator and birthday boy Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie1, who for a second year running came second2 with 20 gyros down his gob at the gong to scoop skrilla with a street value of $1,250.

At the same time, in her second outing as a signed-up MLE scarfing supremo, woman-to-watch Miki Sudo bagged bronze with 15.5 to pocket $650 ahead of Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan, who took home wedge worth $300 for his gullet count of 13.

Also placing in the money, Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez landed $200 for gourmandising 10.5 gyros and Steve 'Not the Scottish Snooker Player' Hendry $100 for annihilating 9.5.


CLASH OF THE TITANS
"This gyro-eating contest was Chestnut's chance to reset the ledger, to reassert the establishment, to reclaim his seat on high from which he watches all others," MLE says on its aforementioned website.

"Chestnut was his old self on this day – relentless, metronomic, remorseless, cruel."

"He won."

"He cares not how."

"It was definitely a grudge match and I knew going into it that [Jaws] wanted some revenge," Megatoad exclusively tells the Rake& Herald via that FaceBook thing.

"I was able to hold my own bite-for-bite with Joey in the beginning, but come the six-minute mark he started to pull away, fast."

"It was intense, at least from my point, so I'm really getting pumped for the contests to come to see what happens."

"Not to bash history, but with all the eaters who came, plus the enthusiasm of a great sponsor, I personally think this was the best of the three years I've attended."

"As far as the food goes, the gyros were amazing as always, but this is the first year I visited the actual Niko Niko's restaurant and the stuff I got to taste was great!"

"This contest was so much fun," Miki Sudo adds on an equally exclusive basis via that there Twitter malarkey.

"The venue was lovely and the Greek Fest organisers and Niko Niko's were extremely hospitable."

"The contest itself was great: the food was delicious and I got to push myself against a great field, including Adrian Morgan, but the highlight of my trip was meeting Badlands Booker, who's just been so welcoming."

"Joey and Matt really demonstrated why they're ranked first and fourth in the League," she continues.

"Competing alongside talent of that calibre will only push me to improve."

Meanwhile, making his début as a fully-fledged MLE food fighter, Corey 'Da Bayou Boy' Fanguy finished ninth with 5.5 gyros shoved down his north.

"It was definitely a challenge and was also [my] first time eating a gyro," he exclusively facebookates the Rake & Herald.

"The contest definitely wasn't for me."

"However, I gave it my best."

"Jaws and Megatoad are phenomenal eaters."

"It was great having the opportunity competing against them for the first time."

"Hot wings are more of my specialty, though, so I plan to really shine and should most definitely qualify for Hooters in Cincinnati."

"I can hardly wait for that opportunity and I am very excited."

But nowhere near as excited as I am to now hand over the mic to Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok 'Bloody' Wang.

Not.

Especially as the talking anal protrusion dropped me right in it the other day by telepathically forcing me to erroneously claim that Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt is an off-stage vegetarian, which he most certainly isn't.

In fact, if anything, I should be flippin' furious with Kok for what he made me do but for some reason I'm slightly more concerned by all the well freaky paranormal activity that's been going on round here lately.

Not only is the entire place covered in ectoplasm, but doors and windows keep banging, strange smells and aports keep manifesting in the khazi and, worse still, things keep suddenly picking themselves up and flying across the room.

A bit like the staplers, pens, Stanley knives and sundry items of stationery and house-breaking equipment that are currently floating around Kok's head like moons circling Jupiter.

Kok, get a shake on with your mindless prattle.

I wanna get out of here.

It's like a scene from the sodding The Exorcist.


jaws gyros belt
Belt up! Jaws displays his prize. © MLE


EDGAR ALLAN KOK
Shut it, Sand, you pig-faced steg.

Don't you think I haven't bleedin' noticed?

Bloody Nora, woman, it's so fackin' cold in here I can hardly feel me knackers, unlike that huge great shard of steel sticking out me turkey neck.

Bloody kills that does.

And peeing's a friggin' nightmare.

[Get on with it, Kok. I wanna go home. Now!]

Alright, alright.

Keep your hair on, you stomach-churnin' munter.

Anyway, what a bloody pounding Jaws gave them gyros, eh?

Twenty-two and a quarter in 10 minutes: he must've been well chuffed.

But given that Jaws victories are about as rare as vodka bottles in Poland, it's not his record-breaking gob-cramming I wanna focus on.

Instead, I wanna wish Megatoad a happy 21st birthday.

While he would no doubt have liked to have won this year's Niko Niko's gyro engorgement, Megatoad can satisfy himself in the knowledge that he nonetheless pulled out a right bloody show-stopping performance, upping his gut count from 15.5 gyros last year to 20, which I reckon works out at…

Hang on.

Twenty take 15.5 is, er, 4.5.

Divide that by 15.5.

Now times that by a ton.

Press equals…

Yeah, just as I thought, exactly 29.032258064516%.

Not bad, eh?

This calculator's fackin' mint.

And so too's Megatoad.

In fact, in honour of his birthday I went down Tatts-R-Us after that bank job in Leyton yesterday and got 'MEGA' and 'TOAD' inked across me knuckles.

Looks well classy, dunnit?

And much better than the 'LOVE' and 'HATE' the wife's got on 'ers.

Mind you, she did 'em 'erself when she was doing that five stretch in Holloway so fair play to her, really.

And fair play too to Miki Sudo.

Since signing up with MLE last month, she's entered two contests – asparagus and this one – and won bronze in both, which is pretty bloody good going if you ask me.

Perhaps I should get Sudo tattooed on me forehead as well.

Shit, me desk's started oozing blood again.

Anyway, I was well pleased to see her giving respect to Badlands, who placed seventh with 8.75.

He's a total star is Badlands and, along with 'Beautiful' Brian Seiken, he's the longest-serving MLE eater in action today so it's good to see a rookie giving salutes to a true great.

And talking of rookies, shouts out to Alex 'Moose' Perez and Da Bayou Boy, who were both eating in their first contests since joining the MLE fold.

Da Bayou Boy says he's more a chicken wings man so it'll be interesting to see how he gets on at the Hooters qualifier in Cincinnati this coming June 8.

I'll definitely be rooting for him and I hope he racks up some good numbers.

Numbers.

Numbers.

Bleeuuuurrrgggghhhh!!!

[Nice one, Kok. You've just covered me in bile. And why are your eyes glowing red?]

Button your lip, Sandi Gwendolyn Toxic!

[Who told you my middle name? And what's with the gothic voice and rotating head, you daft prick?]

Prick?

PRICK!!!

How dare you call the spirit of Slasher McGee a prick!

[Slasher McGee? That short-arse hitman?]

Slasher McGee, the man you killed.

[Eh? I haven't killed anyone in weeks.]

The poisoned pie you cooked for Kok.

[Oh, yeah. Forgot about that.]

I ate it and now I talk to you from the unseen world, the land beyond the veil.

Damned to walk the Earth for all eternity, I am doomed never to rest unless a great wrong against me has been righted; a great debt repaid.

I am so weary, cold and alone.

Tormented by demons and shat on by bats.

And you, Toxic, it is all your doing!

Unless you repay the 300 notes Kok owes me, I will be forced to haunt you to the grave and beyond.

[Piss off. It's Kok's debt. Why should I pay it?]

Because your poisoned pie killed me.

[And?]

Your poisoned pie!

Three hundred quid, Toxic.

Or I'll kick your f--kin' teeth in.


FULL RESULTS
Bloody hell.

What a tosser.

Anyway, here are the results based on figures taken from the MLE website.


1) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (22.25 gyros in 10 minutes; $2,500);

2) Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie (20; $1,250);

3) Miki Sudo (15.5; $650);

4) Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan (13; $300);

5) Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez (10.5; $200);

6) Steve 'Not the Scottish Snooker Player' Hendry (9.5; $100);

7) Eric 'Badlands' Booker (8.75);

8) Andrew 'the Bear' Kogutkiewicz (5.75);

9) Corey 'Da Bayou Boy' Fanguy (5.5);

10) Alex 'Moose' Perez (3.75);

11) Andrew 'Afabos' Brouskakis (3.5); and

11) Ethan Lowe (3.5);


Top eating all round and big congrats to all who took part in the scoffing, the organising and, of course, the excellent emceeing.

Furthermore, a major monster Rake and Herald thanks to Megatoad (happy birthday, sir!), Miki Sudo and Da Bayou Boy for their exclusive quotes.

Many, many thanks indeed.

And now, for your pleasure and amazement, and courtesy of Robb Zipp and his YouTube channel, here's the contest itself.

Nice one, Mr Zipp!





Right gotta go.

Kok's just floated out the window.


See also Megatoad beats Jaws with asparagus, posted 11/5/13.


To fully understand why Kok has been possessed by the soul of a dead hitman, make sure you read Hooters 'n' hot dogs, posted 11/5/13.


Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that FaceBook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.


Footnote


1) If we've got our facts straight, Megatoad turns 21 today (24/5/13). Many happy returns, Megatoad. Now get the beers in!

2) Last year Megatoad ate 15.5 to come second behind Patrick 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti, who won gold with a tummy tally of 18. In 2011, Megatoad ate 17 to place third behind Jaws (21.5) and Deep Dish (21).




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