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EATING & DRINKING

Jaws wins Wing War

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted April 22, 2013
joey chestnut wins wing war
Four out of four: Jaws claims his fourth successive win this year. © Pork in the Park BBQ Festival

Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut has clocked up his fourth straight victory of 2013 with a convincing win in the Eastern Shore Wing War in Maryland.


Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut has been crowned Eastern Shore Wing War World Champion of the World after clocked up a tummy tally of 208 Mountaire Farms flappers in a chicken wing chowdown described by Major League Eating (MLE) chairman and emcee extraordinaire George Shea as essentially "a grudge match" between the San Jose super scoffer and the Rake & Herald's all-time favourite alimentary athlete, the fan-flippin'-tastic and totally unbelievably wonderful Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas.

Not that we're biased or anything.

Staged yesterday (21/4/13) as part of the superbly named Pork in the Park BBQ Festival in Salisbury, Maryland, the 12-minute all-you-can-eat gobathon saw the Black Widow, billed by MLE as Jaws' "wing nemesis", furiously forcing 159 formerly feathered fried fin things down her formidable food-fighting throat like they were positively going out of fashion.

However, despite her fowl-themed feeding frenzy securing her a silver-medalist swag bag worth $1,200 (£787), her engorgement rate simply wasn't monster enough to stave off the relentless onslaught of Jaws' near-mechanical übermunching, which ultimately netted him the golden gong of glory plus American moolah worth a cool five monkeys or two and a half gorillas if you know your Pentonville abacus.

Or $2,500 if you don't.

Either way, world belching champ Tim 'Eater X' Janus took bronze and sponds totalling $700 for polishing off 152 poultry appendages while Steve 'Not the Scottish Snooker Player' Hendry pocketed $300 for his fourth-placed Gallus gallus domesticus gut count of 148.

Sadly, at this point, the exact dispatchment details become a tad hazy as the full results have yet to be announced.

Nevertheless, we can confidently confirm that Micah 'Wing Kong' Collins landed $200 for capturing the number five spot ahead of Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt, who picked up $100 for sixth, a dramatic upset that could yet prove disastrous for the entire world as we know it.


A CALL FOR COMPASSION
"I think I made a big mistake with my training," a post-match Notorious B.O.B. exclusively informs the Rake & Herald by email.

"I have been eating a lot of Taco Bell kid's meals."

"Each meal comes with a pack of PaniniAmerica NBA cards."

"I have been working on completing the whole set and it really 'ate' into my prep for this contest."

"I know better for next time, if there is one."

"You see, my future rests in the hands of Micah 'Wing Kong' Collins," he reveals.

"I promised him if he ever beat me in a contest that I would retire from competitive eating."

"Hopefully, he doesn't hold me to it, but if he does," Notorious B.O.B. stoically continues, "I can at least leave the sport knowing that I completed my Taco Bell PaniniAmerica NBA card set."

"That is a set that Micah will never complete."

While we can empathise with Wing Kong's despair at never owning such a deck of cards, we truly hope that he can nonetheless find it in his heart to unfetter Notorious B.O.B. from the harrowing chains of his arguably rash pledge.

Please, Wing Kong.

We'll send you a picture of a cat if it'll help.

Or a dog if you prefer.

Either way, please summon the generosity of your soul and set this eater free.

Meanwhile, on a happier note, Yasir 'the Doggy Bag' Salem, the Rake & Herald's favourite triathlete and an all-round diamond geezer to boot, is one gurgitator who looks almost certain to grace the Wing War arena again.

"Great contest with all the big names," he tweets the Rake & Herald on an equally exclusive basis.

"Nice festival with wonderful hosts."

"Definitely going back!"

And on the subject of going back, one person who is clearly regressing in every sense of the word is Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok 'Bloody' Wang.

Isn't that right, Kok, you pus-stained arse wipe?

So, do you still want to take me out for that kebab later?

I said, "Do you still want to take me out for that kebab later?"

Kok?

I wanna know 'cos I'm bloody starving.

I haven't eaten for three days, you know.


the heat of battle
In the heat of battle: The Wing War underway. © Pork in the Park BBQ Festival


KOK STRESS
Shut it, woman, can't you see I'm on the blower?

Yeah, sure.

Three hundred nicker.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

I'll leave it behind the khazi in the Dog and Scrote.

Brown holdall like the last time.

Course it won't be light, you cheeky piss flap.

Oo do you think I am?

Now fack off, I've got work to do.

Sorry, Sand, you were saying?

[That kebab in exchange for some slap and tickle. You still up for it?]

You what?

Oh, yeah.

Nah, screw that.

Look in the mirror, love.

You've got a boat race like a butcher's dustbin.

I wouldn't touch you with a barge pole.

Anyway, what champion chomping from Chestnut yesterday.

Clearly anyone assuming that Jaws' total domination of the MLE scene last year was simply some alimentary aberration, a food-fighting flash in the pan, if you will, would be well advised to think again.

Especially, if they like to have a flutter with other people's money.

Dangerous people's money.

After all, yesterday's wing wolfing win marked his fourth straight gold in a row since the beginning of the new MLE season.

But just look at the margin he won by – a whopping 49 wings separating him and his arch rival in this particular discipline, the truly wonderful Black Widow.

That's a clear Parliamentary majority of 30.817610062893%, which is pretty fackin' remarkable by anyone's standards but especially so when you consider just how good the Black Widow is when in comes to cramming fowl flappers down her north in a bloody hurry.

Well done for nickin' a new calculator, by the way, Sand.

Where d'you twock it from?

Poundland again?

Anyway, there's also the bigger picture you've gotta look at.

Look at the rest of the field he was up against.

As Doggy Bag points out, yesterday's line-up consisted of some seriously major league Major League Eaters, including six of the MLE Top 20 in addition to the Black Widow, viz the Doggy Bag himself, the X man, Notorious B.O.B., 'the Lovely' Juliet Lee, Wing Kong and, of course, DJ NRG Raver's favourite gurgitator Crazy Legs Conti.

So fair play to Jaws.

That has to go down as a pretty impressive gold regardless of whether you lost a shitload of borrowed wedge on the outcome or not.

And fair play too to Steve Hendry.

Currently ranked 25th on the MLE circuit, the Dixon, California-based gormandiser only began his eating career last year so to finish just 11 wings short of the Black Widow's total is pretty fackin' nifty in my book and I certainly wish him all the best for the future.

And talking of the future, I hereby get down on my bended knees and beseech the great Wing Kong to let B.O.B. eat again.

Well done on beating him, sir, and certainly enjoy the satisfaction, but please, please, please don't force him to hang up his gurgitatory gloves just yet.

He's a bloody hero.

Besides, I've got 500 large resting on him setting a new age-related eating record at this year's Nathan's and it's all on tick from a gang of bloody bank robbers.

Honestly, if you make him quit, I'll just have to shoot Sandi in the face with a sawn-off or something.

Not that you'd notice, mind, 'cos it already looks like someone's taken a bleedin' iron bar to her mush as it is.

And on the subject of bars, I don't suppose you could lend us a few quid, could ya, Sand?

I've gotta pay off Slasher McGee about thirty minutes ago and you know what he's like if you don't cough it all up when he wants it.

He starts sending you messages through the post, if you know what I mean.

And then it just goes downhill from there.

And what's more, he's not even one of the loan sharks I owe.

He's just some bloody hitman.


FULLISH RESULTS
Sorry, Kok, I spunked all my cash on a litre of gin thinking I'd have to get off with you later.

Anyway, the last I heard, Slasher's body count was well over 50 so he's probably bored of the buzz by now.

Although, given that it's you, he might make an exception.

Whatever.

Here are the results as far as we can fathom from the MLE Twitter feed and website and the ever excellent Eat Feats website and database:


1) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (208 wings; $2,500);

2) Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas (159; $1,200);

3) Tim 'Eater X' Janus (152; $700);

4) Steve 'Not the Scottish Snooker Player' Hendry (148; $300);

5) Micah 'Wing Kong' Collins (To Be Announced (TBA); $200);

6) Bob 'Notorious B.O.B. Shoudt (TBA; $100);

7) 'the Lovely' Juliet Lee (TBA);

8) Yasir 'the Doggy Bag' Salem (TBA);

9) William 'Wild Bill' Myers (TBA);

10) Marcos 'the Monster' Owens (TBA); and

11) Crazy Legs Conti (TBA).


Big salutes and slaps on the back to all those who took part in the eating, organising and compèring yesterday.

Whatever you did, well done.

Massive thanks also to Notorious B.O.B. and the Doggy Bag, who affirmed that they are indeed total superstars by taking time out to talk to the press, and yet more impassioned pleas to Wing Kong to smile on Notorious B.O.B. and let him roam free to continue his scarfing for the greater good of us all.

But especially Kok, who looks like he's sweating embryos right now.

Naturally, we'll try to run an update as soon as we learn the official gob counts.

However, don't hold your breath because we're still waiting on the final results from last week's Rouses Crawfish Eating World Championship in New Orleans, which is strange because MLE are usually pretty prompt and precise when it comes to such matters.

Ah well, such is life.

Anyway, to make up for our lack of stats, here's some frontline footage from yesterday's Wing War that we've embedded from the Delmarva Now local news website.

So put on a brew and relax in the presence of some top-notch chicken chobbling compèred by arguably the greatest emcee ever to walk the Earth, the one and only Mr George Shea...





But where was Eater X's war paint?

Who knows?

Eater X, probably.

Anyway, now for some interviews from the same source...





Right, gotta go.

Someone's just thrown a horse's head through the window.

Kids, eh?


See also Cold wars Jaws, posted 10/4/13.


To fully understand Sandi's kebab references as well as the sudden appearance of a horse's head in the office, have a read of Las Vegas débutant ball, posted 21/4/13.


Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that Facebook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.




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