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EATING & DRINKING

Jaws spoons through Brown Ceiling

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted February 09, 2014
jaws wins chili in orlando
Brown Ceiling be gone! Jaws (left) and some of the chili he consumed. (Check bottom for credits)

Jaws wins RP Funding World Chili Eating Challenge with new world record; Notorious B.O.B. second; Eater X third.


San Jose-based superhuman superscarfing superhero Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut has won the first chowdown of the 2014 Major League Eating (MLE) season with a gargantuan gut count of 2.125 gallons (8 litres) of chilli, or chilli if you're British, in 6 minutes at the Second RP Funding World Chili Eating Challenge in Orlando, Florida, United States of A, itself staged as part of the Fifth Annual Orlando Chili Cookoff in, er, Orlando, Florida, United States of A.

In so doing, the spoon-wielding goliath of the gob promptly added a further $1,750 (£1,066) to the $52,000 the ever excellent Eat Feats calculates he's won over the past 52 weeks.

Blimey.

That works out at...

Hang on.

About $1,000 a week!

But more important than money itself, the unstoppable übereater of übereaters simultaneously achieved the utterly unthinkable by becoming the first sentient being in the entire history of the Multiverse to smash his way through the Brown Ceiling.

I speak, of course, of the famed and fabled two-gallons-in-six-minutes record he set back in October 2011 and which until now had been equalled but never bettered by Tim 'Eater X' Janus and Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt, not to mention Jaws himself at the very first RP Funding World Chili Eating Challenge 12 months ago, which you can read about in Swiss-watch style precision detail and accuracy here.

Pretty darn smart or what?


CHOCK-FULL OF CHILI CHAMPS
Moreover, Jaws accomplished this superb spectacle of sublime slurping by beating off his two aforementioned arch chili chomping rivals, viz Notorious B.O.B, who glugged down 1.938 gallons of hot brown goodness to win 900 nicker for silver, and Eater X, who guzzled back 1.863 gallons of meaty manna to half-inch half a large for bronze.

Meanwhile, placing fourth – his lowest-ranked finish since the 2012 Nathan's finalMatt 'Megatoad' Stonie stormed his was through 1.750 gallons to cart off a quarter grand ahead of the Rake & Herald's all-time favourite alimentary athlete, the wonderful, the fantastic, the wonderfully fantastically wonderfully fantastic Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas, who took home a ton for forcing 0.875 gallons down her throat for fifth.

However, you might want to check those tummy tallies yourself because all the results other than Jaws' were actually announced using 32-ounce-bowl-based units and as I was brought up to use the metric system all that gallons malarkey's just a load of old pre-1970s gibberish to me.

Although I still drink in pints and prefer miles to klicks.

But sod all that nonsense because it appears that rap sensation and all-round top bloke and total gent Eric 'Badlands' Booker, whose birthday it is in a couple of weeks, was at some point disqualified from the all-you-can-eat gobathon.

As further details remain scant at present, we can only assume that he was either beamed aboard a UFO before the bell had rung or he encountered a sudden reversal of fortune, which, if it is the case, goes to show that such a mishap can happened to even the best of eaters.

Pity really.

I bloody love Badlands.

He's flippin' ace.


chili contest
Well brown: The spoons of glory in action. (Check bottom for credit)


THE BROWN CEILING SMASHED
And so too is the Rake & Herald's unparalleled access to the brightest minds on every plane of existence, which is why on hearing that the Brown Ceiling had finally been cracked we wasted no time in asking Nobel Prize-winning biologist Quentin Milkyshits for his take on what Jaws' latest triumph means for the progress of human evolution.

As we don't have a telephone down here inside the Hollow Earth, we naturally had to employ our Uri Geller-like powers of telepathy.

This is what he said.

"What is that?"

"It feels like someone's talking inside my head."

"F--k off!"

"I'm trying to sleep."

"It's bloody gone midnight here."

"No, no I won't go out and kill again."

"I don't care if you will reward me with flashing lights and buzzing noises."

"I told you I don't want to do that anymore."

"I'm a changed man."

"Leave me alone or I'll start taking the medication again!"

So there you have it.

Quite a scoop, eh?


FULL RESULTS
As you may have guessed, we don't actually have any exclusive quotes from the eaters themselves right now.

However, we are shortly about to start bombarding them with seemingly endless questions and will hopefully have a full update for you, yes YOU, our cherished and beloved readers, in the very near future.

So stay tuned, alright?

Until then, here's the full results in 32-ounce-bowl-based units gleaned from the MLE Twitter feed.

Oh, and before you ask, the Robert Palmer who placed ninth isn't the now deceased smoothie singer behind such international smash hits as Addicted to Love, Ace of Spades and Mr Bombastic.

We know that for a fact because it was very kindly pointed out to us last year by 'Gentleman' Joe Menchetti.

Cheers, Joe!

Rather, so we learnt from the MLE website, he is the 'RP' in the contest's title.

So the sponsorer in other words.

Anyway, if it's exclusive quotes you want, make sure you read our fantastic Wing Bowl XXII update as it's positively brimming with them from Molly Schuyler, Patrick 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti, Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald and Dave 'US Male' Goldstein.

Go on.

You know you want to.

Please.

C'mon.

It took f--king ages to write.

Like all our bloody reports do.

Including this one.

By the way, here are those results I was on about…


Second RP Funding World Chili Eating Challenge, Orlando, Florida (8/2/14)

1) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (8.5 32-oz bowls of chilli with a total volume of 2.125 gallons in 6 minutes; $1,750);

2) Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt (7.75; $900);

3) Tim 'Eater X' Janus (7.25; $500);

4) Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie (7; $250);

5) Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas (3.5; $100);

6) Yasir Salem (3);

7) Ronnie 'MegaByte' Hartman (2.5);

8) 'The Mysterious' Tuddle (0.76);

9) Robert 'Not the Dead Singer' Palmer (0.5); and

DQ) Eric 'Badlands' Booker.


According to a brief report from News 13 that we came across via Eat Feats, "15 competitive eaters gorged themselves" on stage.

But you know what journalists are like.

The same website also has a short video that kicks off with a quick to-camera with a post-match Jaws.

However, as we're unable to embed it on the Rake & Herald, here's last year's chili chowdown instead, courtesy of MikeDoesNotExist's YouTube channel.

You might want to turn your speakers down first, mind, as the sound's a tad ropey, a bit like listening to Cabaret Voltaire inside a blast furnace really.

Otherwise, it's pretty good and covers the scoffing in its entirety.

Bing bong!




Right, gotta go.

Just sat on a spindle.

Blood everywhere.


STAY TUNED FOR A FULL UPDATE SHORTLY


See also Jaws equals chili record, posted 11/2/13, and Wing Bowl: The eaters' perspective, posted 7/2/14.


Enjoy our competitive eating coverage? If so, please 'like' us on FaceBook and follow us on Twitter if you're into that sort of thing. Thanks very much! Have a wonderful day/night and see you for the update in a bit. Cheers!


Picture credits

Top and thumb: Jaws photo © MLE; Chili photos both © Orlando Chili Cookoff.

Bottom: © Orlando Chili Cookoff.




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