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Jaws slides past sliders record

By editorial assistant Sand Toxic

Posted March 29, 2014
ce results

Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut wins first Wind Creek's Throw Down chowdown. Megatoad second; Eater X third.

Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut has gannetised his way to glory at the Pork Slider Eating Contest at the Wind Creek's Throw Down at the Wind Creek Casino & Hotel in Atmore, Alabama, US of A.

The first of two back-to-back all-you-can-eat gobathons that comprise this two-day Major League Eating- (MLE) sanctioned belly-battling bouche bonanza, the pulled pork pounding saw the San Jose superhuman superscarfing superhero shoving 62 of these sorta sandwich things we don't have on this side of the Atlantic down his throat in 10 minutes flat to grab golden guilder to the tune of two-and-a-half grand Americano (£1,502).

Moreover, MLE says on its Twitter feed, his total "squeaks [the] previous [world record] held by [Tim 'Eater X' Janus] by one".

And [that], sir, [is] a [lot] of [square brackets], sir.

But pants to the prevelance of punctuation of a particular persuation, people, because Eater X himself placed third, landing $650 for a gut count of 41, behind silver-medal-winning masticating munching machine Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie, who slid back 55 sliders to sieze $1,200.

All in all, a pretty clear victory for Jaws then, with the Top Three exactly replicating the current MLE rankings as though they had been cloned by some kind of super-advanced alien technology made out of basketball racquets or something but there the similarity ends, for forcing his way to a fantastic food-fighting fourth was MLE #7 Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan, who noshed and boshed his way through 32 of the f--kers to rake in reddies worth $350.

Meanwhile, Miki Sudo, the MLE #4, placed fifth, her lowest finish to date, with an engobulation of 28.5 that saw her snag $200 ahead of sixth-placed MLE #9 Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco, who trapped a tasty ton for her tummy tally of 26.5.

Bloody hell!

What a field.

Stacked or what?

Anyway, stay tuned for a full report once the second part of this Throw Down thingy, the Creek Indian Taco Eating Contest to be held at 16:30 local tomorrow/later today (29/3/13) depending on where you are right now, has been done and dusted and we've hassled a few gurgitators for quotes, OK?

In the meantime, though, to sate your statistical cravings, here's the full results based on the aforementioned MLE Twitter feed.

So there.

1) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (62 pulled pork sliders in 10 minutes; new world record; $2,500);

2) Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie (55; $1,200);

3) Tim 'Eater X' Janus (41; $650);

4) Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan (32; $350);

5) Miki Sudo (28.5; $200);

6) Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco (26.5; $100);

7) Jason Cook (16.5);

8) Matthew Raible (13);

9) Steve 'Pi Guy' Martin (11.5);

10) Dee 'Princess Pi-Anna' Martin (11); and

11) Colton 'the Champ' Not-Sure-What-His-Surname-Is-Or-Whather-He's-Even-Got-One-Assuming-He-Is-A-He-And-Not-A-She (5).

Apologies to Colton 'the Champ' there for not knowing his or her surname or indeed their gender but hats off nonetheless to all who competed, emceed, organised, fed, cooked, watched or had any kind of a hand in proceedings in any way whatsoeveryever.

Serious respect is due!

Like I say, we should hopefully have some exclusive quotes for you, yes YOU, the cherished and beloved readers of the Rake & Herald, in the not-too-distant.

Until then, here's a jolly nice snippet of TV for your pleasure and education from the Fox 10 TV channel or something in which Jaws and Eater X answer some surprisingly intelligent questions about the Throw Down and the like from a couple of TV types in a TV studio.

On TV.


Right gotta go.

It's gone 05:30 here and I'm almost out of Special Brew.

Plus I need a shit.


See also The lady is a champ, posted 15/3/14.

Sandi Toxic
was raised by wolves inside a disused clay pit near Lanjeth. You can befriend her on FaceBook here. She is still quite feral.

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