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EATING & DRINKING

Jaws ribbed by Sudo and Shell

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted June 09, 2013
miki sudo wins ribmania at ribfest chicago
Wonga winners: Miki Sudo, Notorious B.O.B., Carboard Shell, the Bear, More Bite and Jaws. © MLE

Miki Sudo wins RibMania in a Chicago shocker that also sees Cardboard Shell knocking Jaws into third.


In just her fourth appearance as a fully-signed up Major League Eating (MLE) gurgitator, Miki Sudo has achieved what very few sentient life forms in this or any other galaxy have done to date: beaten MLE number one power chomper Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut in no-holds-barred craw-cramming combat.

As future history books will attest, the Las Vegas-based wonder wolfer pulled off her taste-tastic triumph this past Friday (7/6/13) at the fourth RibMania feeding frenzy, a six-minute MLE-sanctioned all-you-can-eat gobathon staged as part of the Ribfest Chicago eating and music extravaganza that saw her devouring 2.9 lbs (1.3 kg) of St Louis-style spare ribs to scoop $2,000 (£1,286) and a gold-winner's silver trophy cup jobbie.

But the oesophagus upsets didn't stop there for Jaws was not only beaten by Miki, he was also pushed into third by Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco, who gourmandised 2.62 lbs to pick up $800 ahead of the 2.56 lbs he himself chobbled against the clock to carry off $600.

Indeed, according to the excellent Eat Feats website, prior to Friday's rib bonanza, Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas, the MLE number three and the Rake & Herald's all-time favourite alimentary athlete, was apparently "the only woman to have defeated Joey Chestnut".

So hats off to Miki and Cardboard Shell, who have now "tripled that number".

And hats off too to bone fide Rake & Herald hero Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt, who, while most definitely not an off-stage vegetarian, masterfully masticated his way through 2.31 lbs of pig flesh to nab $300 for fourth.

Meanwhile, Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez took home $200 and Andrew 'the Bear' Kogutkiewicz $100 for their respective fifth- and sixth-placed belly bounties of 1.99 lbs and 1.56 lbs.

We also understand from Eat Feats that Brett Bernstein was crowned the amateur winner for his seventh-placed engorgement of 1.17 lbs, so a big hand for him too.


THE VICTORS SPEAK
And talking of amateurs, it wasn't that long ago that Friday's winner was in such a category herself.

So how have things changed for the newly crowned Queen of Ribs?

"When I was competing at the local level, it was typical for me to plan and strategise for each event," Miki exclusively twitterises the Rake & Herald.

"I always practiced handling the food at least once prior to competition and I was usually (at least mildly) stressed by game day."

"Now, with my focus on hot dogs and with events so close to each other, I've found that I'm allowing myself to just do my best and let my performance fall where it may."

"This isn't to say I've become complacent, but the days leading up to each competition are filled with more excitement than worry these days."

"It's been great because I've been able to thoroughly enjoy the surrounding festivals, interact with crowds and have fun with other eaters."

"The organisers of Ribfest were incredibly hospitable, the crowd was great and I'm already looking forward to next year."

"From the stage, it was exciting and motivating to see attendants lining Lincoln Ave for blocks."

"The specifics of the contest were different from years past: 6 minutes as opposed to 8; St Louis-style ribs as opposed to baby back; dry rub as opposed to sauced."

"When time was called, I think the general sentiment on stage was that no one came close to last year's record of nearly 8 lbs1, so there was a huge anticipation growing (even on our part) as [emcee Sam Barclay] announced the placements."

"When we got down to first and second, Sam called Shell Lesco and I to the front and we held hands waiting for him to read off the results."

"It was incredibly sweet and my favourite moment of this contest."

"I think we were both extremely relieved to find that we were indeed in the Top Six."

"I can't speak for her, but I started to wonder if I hadn't placed at all."

"With weighed foods, it's nearly impossible to tell how you did until the results are read."

"I was already in shock to find myself in the Top Two above Joey and my disbelief was eclipsed only by the excitement of winning my fourth ever MLE event outright."

"Shell is a class act – a fierce yet gracious competitor whose daily life demonstrates a solid character and there's no one with whom I would have rather shared that moment at Ribfest."

But how does Cardboard Shell, who became the first woman ever to beat the Black Widow when she outgobbed her in Indian tacos this past April 27, feel about adding Jaws' name to her list of the vanquished?

"It feels crazy to beat Joey," she exclusively facebookates the Rake & Herald.

"This season has been personally weird and shocking, but wonderful in every way."

"I've just been eating hard and not holding anything back."

"Sort of a big 'Screw you, stomach, this is happening so just deal with it'."

"I have no idea what the rest of the season will hold."

"I'm absolutely shocked with how I've been placing."

"Maybe someday I'll achieve my dream of winning a contest and adding a gigantic belt to my wardrobe (because you better believe I'd be wearing that shit every day)."

And on the subject of shit every day, cue Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie, self-appointed competitive eating pundit and sodding copper's nark Kok 'Sings Like a Canary' Wang, the spineless runt who dobbed me in it to the cops after the Black Widow's Acme Oysters win the other day.

Isn't that right, Kok, you stinking little grass?

And believe me, once I put the word round that you squealed to the fuzz you're gonna get your face slashed open like a cesaerian on crack, you dirty f--king snitch.


miki sudo powering to victory in wings
Wonder woman: Miki in action. © Miki Sudo (we think)


TALKING OUT OF HIS KOK
Put a sock in it, Sand, you boot-faced pug.

First of all, rattin' on you's fair game 'cos everyone on this manor 'ates your ginormous guts.

Secondly, I've got much more important things to think about than your little run-in with the law right now, viz Miki Sudo's fantastic rib victory and Cardboard Shell's super fackin' silver.

I don't care what anyone says.

Miki Sudo is bloody marvelous.

First she comes third in asparagus and gyros before placing a well close second behind Jaws in pepperoni rolls and then she goes an' tops it all by stormin' to glory in the Windy City.

I'm pretty sure I've said it before but she's like the female equivalent of Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald: comes out of nowhere and starts bloody tearing the place up left, right and centre.

They should call her the fackin' Tornado 'cos that's what she's like.

Only a lot nicer dressed and much better mannered, of course.

In fact, I can't wait to read that in-depth interview we're about to run with her once you get off of your fat arse and bloody well write it up, Sand, you skiving little slag.

So what you been up to?

Why ain't ya done it yet?

[I told you I'll get it done once I've deciphered that Rake's bloke's notes. You know full well it's not easy to read crayon by candlelight. Plus he scrawls like a pissed doctor with a mangled wrist.]

Do me a favour!

Do you think for one minute that Cardboard Shell goes round making up pony excuses to get out of scarfin' huge amounts of grub?

No.

She knuckles down and gets on with it.

And what's more, she also raises a lot of money for good causes through her gurgitatin', such as gettin' people to pledge wedge for every wing she eats at the Cincinnati Hooter's qualifier for Charity: Water, a non-proft organisation that, so it says on its website, seeks to "bring clean and safe drinking water to every person in the world".

So who knows, perhaps her current form isn't just down to natural ability but also a spot of good karma bestowed upon by the head honcho of the Multiverse for services rendered.

Either way, I wish her well on all counts.

And talking of counts, that's now the second time this season that Jaws has been defeated in a mandible match.

First it was by fellow San Jose superscoffer Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie at the Stockton asparagus bash in April and now by Miki Sudo in ribs.

Admittedly, he's still won the other seven chowdowns he's entered so far this year but if you ask me, the chances of him repeating his 2012 glory run, when he won all but two of the 16 championship chowdowns and qualifiers he had a stab at, is now looking a bit dicey.

I'm certainly not gonna write him off just yet, though, 'cos he's bleedin' phenomenal and could yet go on to win everythin' else he touches this year providin', of course, he doesn't retire after Nathan's as some people reckon he'll do.

Personally, I hope that's all a load of bollocks but when we asked him about the matter he declined to comment so fack knows what's goin' on there with that one.

Mind you, if he does retire, he should have a fair few quid tucked away.

Accordin' to that ESPN Magazine, whatever the fack that is, he made $161,400 last year, which Eat Feats reckons is down from 205k in 2011.

Still, not bad for gobblin' up free grub, eh?

Perhaps he could lend us a tenner for snout.

Go on, g'is a Lambert, Sand.

I'm all out.

And while you're at it, tell us again why the cops didn't feel your collar when they rolled up lookin' for ya?

[Shut it, Kok, or you'll get these scissors in your eye.]

What was it?

Came in looking for a woman called Sandi and what happened?

[They left without me obviously.]

Yeah, I know that, but why, Sand?

[They made a mistake.]

But what kind of mistake, Sand?

Come on, speak up.

[Shut it.]

Nah, what was the mistake?

[They thought I was a man.]

Ha! I'm surprised they didn't take ya for fackin' Stalin with that moustache!

You'd be up on a charge of mass murder then, not just killin' Slasher McGee, the muppet.

[Sod off, Kok. Anyway, all they've got on me is a bit of DNA and some fingerprints. It'll never stick.]

Course not, Sand.

It's not as if they've got an eyewitness who could pick you out of a line-up, is it?

[No. And it's going to stay that way, isn't it Kok?]

Relax, Sand.

My lips are sealed.

Mind you, I saw that Nurse Draper earlier.

You remember her, don't ya?

Sells meds and body parts over the interweb.

Says she's taken up photography.

Uniform stuff, mainly.

Got a lovely camera, though.

Said she'd give you a bell later.


FULL RESULTS
Yeah, whatever, Kok.

Here are the full results based on the MLE Twitter feed and website.


1) Miki Sudo (2.9 lbs of ribs in 6 minutes; $2,000 and a silver cup);

2) Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco (2.62; $800);

3) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (2.56; $600);

4) Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt (2.31; $300);

5) Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez (1.99; $200);

6) Andrew 'the Bear' Kogutkiewicz (1.56; $100);

7) Brett Bernstein (1.17);

8) Andrew 'Chicago Style' Skweres (1.16); and

9) Eric Hucke (1.14).


Serious salutes to all the eaters, emcees, organisers and sponsors!

Have a cup of splosh and put your feet up.

Meanwhile, monumentally massive thanks to both Miki and Cardboard Shell for taking the time out to speak with the press and give us their exclusive quotes.

Big, big thanks indeed and congratulations on your heroic and historic performances yesterday.

And major thanks to everyone reading this as well.

In fact, to show our gratitude, here's a little treat in the form of some very short and rather brutally-edited footage of yesterday's rib-off embedded from Northcenterchamber's YouTube channel.

That's then followed by episodes six and seven of Stuffed from the Tasted channel, in which Miki takes on Rake & Herald competitive eating editor Naader 'Freak8r' Reda, Dax 'the Ginger' Swanson, Jimmy Lin, a monster sandwich and a shedload of Spam.

Smacznego!











Right, gotta go.

Nurse Draper's just been on the dog.

She reckons she's got a clear shot of me getting my pie out and if I don't slip her a monkey, she's off to the plod.

Hmm.

You still got that gun, Kok, or do you think a screwdriver'll do it?


See also Jaws wreaks revenge, posted 24/5/13.


To fully understand why Sandi's got the police and now a blackmailing nurse on her back, make sure you read Attack of the giant oysters, posted 4/6/13.


Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that FaceBook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.


Footnote

1) At last year's RibMania, Tim 'Gravy' Brown won gold by demolishing 7.8 lbs of baby back ribs in 8 minutes. Nice one, Gravy!




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