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Jaws grabs big pair of Hooters

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted August 12, 2013
joey jaws chestnut wins second hooters wing eating crown
Victory in Clearwater: Miki and Jaws at Hooters a few days before yesterday yesterday. © MLE

Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut wins second Hooters crown; Miki Sudo takes silver, Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan bronze.

Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut has got his hands on a lovely pair of Hooters.

Yes, that's right, for this past Thursday (26/7/13), the Major League Eating (MLE) number one champion chomper championly chomped his was to gustatory glory at the original Hooters restaurant in Clearwater, Florida, US of A to win his second Hooters World Wing Eating Championship in a row.

Defectlessly dispatching a fearsome 179 formerly feathered fried fowl flight flapper things to take top gong at the second such MLE-sanctioned 10-minute all-you-can-eat gobathon, he not only grabbed golden guilder worth $6,000 (£3,900) but also upped his eternal glorification by a whole 24.3%, having last year gourmandised a gross of Gallus gallus domesticus dead arm-type appendages in the very same time at the very same location.

However, while Jaws' belly busting belly bonanza was precisely 179 more chicken wings than I've had since being beamed aboard a spaceship shaped like a used condom by a bunch of orange-skinned extraterrestrial toothbrush-type things from the planet Traxoot on account of them only dishing up dandruff and doormice for dinner, his gallant display of digestional derring-do was simply not enough to set a new contest record.

Oh no siree, Bob, for that still stands at 192, set just over a month ago at the Las Vegas qualifier by rocketing ruminatory rookie Miki Sudo, who scoffed back 155 to snatch silver sausage totalling $3,000 and in so doing metaphorically peeing on the fireworks of last year's silver medallist Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan, who had to settle for bronze and sponds worth $1,750 for his gut count of 149.

Meanwhile, Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco continued her run of fantastic form when she not only netted a nifty grand for her fourth-placed 131, but, for a second time in the history of the everything everywhere ever, also outgobbled the Rake & Herald's all-time favourite alimentary athlete Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas, who chobbled down 128 to land $500 for fifth ahead of Sean 'Flash' Gordon, who captured a quarter large for shoving 113 down his pie hole.

competitors at hooters
Army of eaters: Moose and Flash (top) and (from left to right) Monster, Bam Bam, Bastos, Snack Galafaniakis, Cardboard Shell, the Boykin and the Lovely. © Jon Bello

"I was a little disappointed that I didn't do my best, but I can't complain about taking second to Joey," Miki exclusively twitterises the Rake & Herald.

"He's an amazing competitor and he's proven that over years as MLE's top-ranked eater."

"I realise that I can hope to catch Joey only at speed events (with less focus on capacity), so in a way I feel like I missed an opportunity."

"Adrian and I both put up totals that were enough to win last year's contest but at the end of it Joey wasn't giving up his title."

"Everyone at Hooters was incredibly hospitable, the crowd was amazing and it was great seeing everyone, as always," Miki states, describing the fowl-themed Floridian food fight as a "great event".

"I hope to be a part of it next year," she says.

And somehow we kinda think she will be so Jaws be warned: Miki's after your crown.

But she's not the only one.

"I'm stoked to beat the Black Widow again, especially in a food that she is so skilled in," Cardboard Shell exclusively informs the Rake & Herald via the Book of Face.

"I never thought I'd beat Sonya in my career so to do it again still feels crazy and awesome."

"I have mixed feelings about the contest, though."

"During the contest, I felt like I was going so slow, fighting every wing."

"But I can't be too disappointed in coming in right behind Joey, Miki and Adrian."

"They are amazing eaters and awesome at wings so there's no shame in losing to them."

Too bloody right.

And top eating, ma'am!

"It was great being back at the table again," Flash equally exclusively facebookates the Rake & Herald.

"I needed to take some time off and it was bittersweet watching the Nathans finals a few weeks ago."

But what was the grub like?

"I thought the wings were pretty good actually," he says.

"They kept the bowls covered with plastic wrap so they maintained some heat and crunch plus they weren't heavily sauced so they were easier to hold onto."

"I didn't have a great start and couldn't find a good rhythm but I was way more relaxed this time."

"I've done well with wings in the past and just had a terrible qualifier so I absolutely feel like I redeemed myself a little."

"I pushed as hard as I could but I think I made the same mistake I did with Nathan's by not getting any more practice runs in once I qualified," Marcos 'the Monster' Owens, who placed seventh with a tummy tally of 109, tells the Rake & Herald in a similarly exclusive confacebookularisationalism.

"You can tell Joey does his homework with practice runs beforehand."

"That's why his numbers always increase; it's very rare that he drops," the Monster notes, praising the 29-year-old San Jose superscoffer as both "consistent and hard working".

"I was surprised how much everyone dropped in the finals."

"The wings were cooked differently at each location but they were still delicious."

"Even though I missed placing, I definitely had a fun time: met some new faces, partied for a little bit and overall enjoyed my time and company in Florida."

"My only regret is that I didn't get any birthday hugs from the Hooters girls."

"Hooters was a great sponsor," 'Big' Brian Subich, who placed ninth with 85, exclusively facebookulates the Rake & Herald, reporting that the "competition was top notch".

"Everyone's finals totals were lower than their qualifier totals and I thought these wings might have been a little smaller than the ones in qualifiers, but they were warm and moist."

"Every contest I compete in I'm always trying to win, which is goal number one."

"I usually have two others."

"That's to beat everyone ranked below me and beat a couple ranked ahead of me."

"So while I didn't win, I did accomplish my other two goals."

"Hopefully, Hooters will have this contest again next year and I can make it back again and do even better!"

"The contest was great," Jon 'Bastos' Bello, who came 14th after firing 68 wings down his throat, concurs in an exclusive twittery tweet tweet tweet with the Rake & Herald.

"Hooters took great care of us."

"I had a great time with the other eaters during and after the contest," he continues, revealing that he is now gearing up for his next championship chowdown showdown at the forthcoming Day-Lee Foods World Gyoza Eating Championship in LA, CA, USA this coming August 17.

But how does the man who recently jumped six places up the MLE rankings from 32nd to 26th feel about his performance in Clearwater?

"My performance sucked bollocks!" he says.

Now, if that isn't the best quote in the history of sports journalism, what the f--k is?

But from sucking bollocks to talking bollocks.

Yeah, here it comes: time to begrudgingly hand over the mic to Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie, self-appointed competitive eating pundit and all-round gobshite Kok 'Bloody' Wang, who, as you may or may not be aware, was recently brought back to life as a brain in a jar of cheap whisky after incurring a fatal anal probe at the hands of his erstwhile kidnap victim Nurse 'Fake Viagra and Stolen Body Parts for a Quid' Draper.

Sadly, I'm sorry to report, the jar has now gone.

Not because I smashed it with a hammer like I should've done but because the talking dog turd has now been restored to his sorta former physical self by the wonders of our alien hosts' medical technology.

Plus a bit of grit and some hairs they found down the back of the sofa.

I say "his sorta former physical self" because things didn't go quite according to plan.

Yes, his big fat sweaty gut's there.

So too are his foul-smelling feet, volcanic arse, Megatoad-tattooed knuckles and appallingly pungent armpits.

Thing is, the aliens ballsed it up a bit and put his head on back-to-front, which means he's now even more inaccurate when he goes for a slash.

Isn't that right, Kok?

Piss eveywhere, don't you?

You filthy f--king bell end.

jaws lifts his hooters prize
Surf's up! Jaws goes all Beach Boys in Florida. © Hooters

Shut it, Sandi, you warty old walrus gash.

I ain't in the mood for none of your lip right now, kapeesh?

In fact, I'm fackin' furious.

Not 'cos me head's on the wrong way round neither.

In fact, that should make ram-raidin' me cab into jewellery shop windows a shedload easier, come to think of it.

And it'll remove the blind spot when I'm reversin' over pedestrians.

[So why are you so annoyed? Wet yourself again, have you?]

Well, yeah, but that's beside the point.

I'm well fackin' livid 'cos of what happened in Clearwater, in I?

[What? You still crying about that bet you lost with Quarg, the spaceship's science office and part-time plumber?]

Nah, you daft trollop, I've already nicked that back.

I'm talkin' abaht Marcos the Monster not getting' any birthday hugs.

That's fackin' outrageous.

Seriously, if you work for 'Ooters, I want you to go round his house right this minute and give 'im a bloody big hug.

And maybe a bit o' tongue to boot to make up for it, like.

You hear me?

He's fackin' ace, the Monster.

Especially in that orange titfer of his.

'Appy birthday, sir!

And likewise, many 'appy returns too to Miki, whose birthday it was three days prior to the 'Ooters engorgement.

No disrespect to Jaws, but I have to admit I was well gutted about her not winnin'.

I was convinced she was gonna do 205 at least.

Hence the bet with Quarg, innit?

Now, I'm not gonna try to make excuses for her as she herself said in that exclusive interview what we ran a few weeks back that sometimes she'd have better days than others.

However, that said, I can't help wondering if that month-long gap between contests had somethin' to do with it.

Either way, though, you've gotta 'and it to Jaws.

He's bloody marvellous.

And that bone-stripping technique of his was fackin' flawless, like some bit of 'igh-tech kit you'd find in a German meat factory.

I was bleedin' hypnotised watchin' the footage on YouTube, I can tell ya.

Fackin' hell!

It was amazin'.

But what's goin' on with the Black Widow?

Ten years never been bested by another woman then in the space of – hang on, April, May, June, July, er – a few months, she's been beaten twice by both Miki and Cardboard Shell.

And that's not mentioning Nathan's when she only just held on against 'the Lovely' Juliet Lee.

So what's the tickle there then?

Fack knows, but I'll tell you what, I bloody love the Black Widow whether she wins or not.

Always have done, always will.

Accordin' to her website, right, she's gonna be scoffin' at the The Chowdown in Korea Town World Kimchi Eating Championship in Chicago this coming August 11, so I'll be watchin' that one like a bleedin' 'awk.

From space, of course.

Or whatever planet we visit next.

And if you don't know what kimchi is, I suggest you read that fackin' article where Rakey gets force fed it by a waitress in Korea like he's some kinda fackin' big baby.

Which he fackin' is, the stupid gunt.

Anyway, one other thing I've gotta mention before I give the mic back to old yo-yo knickers is just how totally divergent the qualifier totals were with the actual final results.

As noted by both the Monster and Big Brian, everyone's gut counts were noticeably down with the exception of Jaws and Flash, who both bucked the trend and upped their alimentary antes.

Lost bets aside, the biggest choker for me on that front concerned recent newcomer Neil 'Snack Galafaniakis' Sebree, the bloke with the fackin' ace beard what looks like that actor off them films.

[Which one?]

You know, him outta The 'Angover.

[What? Ken Jeong?]

Yeah, that's the one.

Anyway, when he blasted onto the scene at the first of this year's qualifiers in Panama City Beach, he wolfed his way through 128 wings to finish a not-too-distant second behind Jaws himself.

[Eh? Ken Jeong was at Hooters?]

No, you stupid cow.

That bloke what looks like him.

Snack Galafaniakis.

Fack, you're thick.

Now, what was I sayin'?

Oh yeah, in the qualifier Snack necks 128 but then, come the big day, his engobulation drops more than 50%.

So what's all that abaht?



Different kinda wings?

Or are qualifiers simply not indicative of the ultimate outcome?

Whatever the case, I reckon he's a geezer and I certainly wish him well for next year.

Unlike Sandi, who I 'ope by then will be wearin' a pair of concrete sandals at the fackin' bottom of Loch fackin' Ness.

Two fackin' monsters for the price of one!

The tourists'll fackin' love it.

As long as she don't scare 'em off with her pig-ugly face, that is.

Honestly, she's got a boat like a butcher's dustbin, that one.

Ain't that right, Sand?

You munter.

By the way, I don't suppose you fancy a quick bunk-up, do ya?

Only I twocked a loada cock drops off Nurse Draper and it seems a waste not to use 'em.

Besides, with me loaf on back-to-front I won't have to look at ya when I'm gettin' me oats, will I?

So, you up fer it or what?

Go on, I'll pretend to be your friend for a bit.

Plus me 'erpes have cleared up a treat.

F--k off, Kok.

Maybe later when I've had a shit, OK?

Anyway, here are the full results based on the MLE website with each gurgitator's qualifying total included for handy comparison.

That was my idea.

Pretty smart, eh?

1) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (179 chicken wings in 10 minutes; $6,000 and a surfboard; and a qualifier total of 144);

2) Miki Sudo (155; $3,000; 192);

3) Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan (149; $1,750; 176);

4) Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco (131; $1,000; 152);

5) Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas (128; $500; 140);

6) Sean 'Flash' Gordon (113; $250; 94);

7) Marcos 'the Monster' Owens (109; 144);

8) 'The Lovely' Juliet Lee (108; 128);

9) 'Big' Brian Subich (85; 120);

10) Erik 'the Red' Denmark (82; 115);

=11) Eric 'Badlands' Booker (78; 104);

=11) Damien 'the' Boykin (78; 88);

13) Tony 'Bam Bam' Martinez (72; 96);

14) Jon 'Bastos' Bello (68; 125);

15) Neil 'Snack Galafaniakis' Sebree (60; 128); and

16) Alex 'Moose' Perez (49; 112).

Huge congratulations and big pats on the back all round plus some serious salutes to MLE chairman George Shea, whose emceeing had me in stitches.

Monumentally monster thanks too to Miki, Cardboard Shell, Flash, the Monster, Big Brian and Bastos for their exclusive quotes.

As we've said before, we realise it's a bind having to deal with nosey bloody hacks sticking their oar in when all you want is a bit of R&R but your help is massively, massively appreciated and absolutely essential to our reporting so big, big thanks indeed.

And big thanks too to 'Beautiful' Brian Seiken over at for running the following full contest footage that we are now also embedding from Veggiepowered's YouTube channel.

Beautiful Brian also appraises the footage in his Bits & Pieces section so we shan't bother.

However, there is one question we simply have to ask.

What the f--k was that atrocious cover version of the Clash's Should I Stay or Should I Go? they were playing?

Bloody Nora!

This is how it should sound.

Accept no substitute!

Anyway, for a pretty good local news report that we came across via the ever excellent Eat Feats, have a clicksy of thisksy.

We would have embedded it as well but we couldn't so we didn't.

But what's Jaws going to do with all that wonga he won?

Clue: He's not just an eater; he's also a lover.

And they said so on the news so it must be true.

Right, gotta go.

Quarg says we've just been boarded by space pirates.

I just hope they've got some Daniel Johnston tapes.

I left all mine back on Earth.

See also Miki smashes Hooters record, posted 27/6/13.

To fully understand why Kok's head is on back-to-front, make sure you read Molly new Caribbean Queen, posted 16/7/13.

Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that FaceBook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.

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