Adverts, innum?
dick rampant


Jaws equals chili record

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted February 11, 2013
jaws and bob chili champs
Chili champs: Jaws and Notorious B.O.B. discuss why you should really wear dark shirts at gobfests. © MLE

Joey Chestnut has started 2013 where he left off last year with a chili win in not very chilly Orlando while Eater X freezes knackers off up North.

In yet another superhuman display of digestional dexterity, all-American hero and US national treasure Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut has spooned his way to glory and a first place prize of $1,750 (£1,107) in Orlando, Florida, guzzling a gargantuan 2 gallons (7.6 litres) of chilli to win the inaugural RP Funding World Chili Eating Challenge (9/2/13) while simultaneously equalling the world record he set at the Ben's Chili Bowl's World Chili Eating Championship in Washington, DC two years ago.

Placing second in the Major League Eating- (MLE) sanctioned all-you-can-eat gobathon, Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt racked up a gut count of 1.81 gallons to pocket $900 while the Rake & Herald's very own favourite gurgitator Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas took bronze and a wad of wedge worth $500 for dispatching 1.125 gallons.

Meanwhile, in a familial battle more bitter, more tear-jerking and a flipping whole lot less boring than Kramer vs. Kramer, Jon 'Bastos' Bello downed 0.69 gallons of hot spicy ragout to win $250 and place fourth ahead of his wife Jenny, who came equal ninth along with Camisha Thomas and Matt Raley with a quarter gallon of tucker tucked up inside her tummy.

Also placing in the money were Matt Schuermann, Mike Sylvester and Bill Weller, who all tied for fifth with 0.5 gallons gulletised.

However, while we understand that the usual procedure in such circumstances is to split the prize money equally, we haven't a clue how this was done as to share $100 among three people means they each got a cheque for $33.333333333333 recurring, which seems a bit odd.

Anyway, now over to Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie, self-appointed competitive eating expert and all-round loud mouth git Kok Wang for some of his typically ill-informed analysis.

Kok, you big pile of dog sick, enlighten us with your endless drivel, do.

eater x in a car
Transport woes: Eater X a few years ago. © MLE

Thanks, Sandi, you slag.

And hats off to that man Chestnut, who put in yet another storming performance like the true food-fighting phenomenon that he is.

Of course, the biggest upset, certainly from my point of view at least, was the weather.

While MLE tweeted that it was "75 and clear" in Orlando prior to the spoon off, which I assume means it was about 23.8888889ºC, it was a bit more minging up in the northeastern parts of the US, where hurricane-force blizzards dumped up to 90 cm of snow, causing major blackouts, at least two deaths and general travel chaos.

Or so the newswires reckon, anyway.

As a result, world record belching champion Tim 'Eater X' Janus, my own personal favourite, was unable to make it down from Noi Yoik to defend the chili crown he won in last year's biggest MLE shocker.

As you may recall, Sandi, if you can get that pile of pig shit behind your eyes to step up a gear once in a while, this past October saw Eater X outslurping Jaws in a titanic clash of mandibles at the 2012 Ben's Chili Bowl's World Chili Eating Championship in Washington, DC.

I call it a shocker 'cos that particular event saw Eater X landing top gong while equalling Jaws's 2011 chili record in a bleedin' heroic display of concerted spoonmanship.

More than that, though, living legend Notorious B.O.B also gobbled his way past Chestnut to pick up silver at the same event, knocking Jaws into third – his lowest placing out of all the 16 MLE chowdowns he entered last year.

In fact, the only other time he didn't win was when unicorn enthusiatic and stoic survivor of a broken knee Patrick 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti out done him in the scoffing at the World CheeseSteak Eating Championship back in May.

As a result, this shindig in Orlando was looking all set to be a right royal battle of gobs, a three-way grudge match between X, Jaws and Notorious, a man whose qualities, discipline and off-stage vegetarianism I wholeheartedly applaud.

What's more, what with the fantastic Black Widow also on the bill, this Florida food fest promised to be one hell of a start to the new MLE season.

Sadly, though, the weather ballsed it up a bit.

When I heard there'd be no X 'cos he was up to his bollocks in white stuff, I was sick as a bloody parrot, I can tell ya.

So sick, in fact, I had to do some geezer up like a kipper with a rusty spanner down the Crown and Monkey just to restore some kind of emotional equilibrium.

My body's a temple, you know.

Which is why I only drink alcohol.

Thing is, what I can't help wondering is whether or not it will ever be possible for a physical human being with a body to consume more than 2 gallons of chili in six minutes.

Think about it.

Jaws sets the record in 2011.

Then Eater X – respect to the X! - equals that record last October.

Now Jaws equals it again but fails to top it.

Is there some kind of chili wall that humans, no matter how gifted at gurgitating, just can't smash through irrespective of the kind of spoon they use?

Even a pneumatic one, like you can probably buy in Japan.

Who knows, but I'd like to see that Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald give it a go.

Likewise, Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie, who I still reckon has got what it takes to beat Jaws on a regular basis in a couple of years or so.

But you know my views on the Megatoad, Sandi.

And remember, I've still got that gun.

Anyway, what a pisser about Eater X getting snowbound, eh?

Still, at least Notorious B.O.B. and the Black Widow could make it down from Philadelphia and Alexandria, respectively.

I'd've had to run some cant over in me cab otherwise.

sonya thomas is ace!
The Black Widow: Sonya Thomas is just ace. © MLE

But it's not just the Rake & Herald's own resident arsehole Kok Wang who's peeved about 'snowmageddon' pissing on Eater X's chips.

The X man himself is probably a bit miffed too, although as we don't have a suitable quote from him to back that up I'll just do what all the tabloids do and make one up instead.

Something like this should do it.

"I, Eater X, being of sound mind and body, do hereby attest to just how jolly miffed I am about not being able to avail myself of a suitable means of transport by which to convey myself to Orlando in order to defend my chili crown," he didn't exclusively tell the Rake & Herald because, liable lawyers, I just made it up, didn't I?

"If only I could have flown, or driven, or even swam down there and taken on the likes of Messers Chestnut and Shoudt in a three-way chili chomping challenge of epic proportions, I would have been afforded the opportunity to give them a right good seeing to with a spoon, but alas the dreadfully inclement weather, such as it was, proved an unforgiving bounder and so, with heavy heart, I must accept that it was never to be," he didn't continue his lament.

The day before the chowdown, though, he did tweet via that Twitter jobbie that's all the rage these days: "That collective sigh u just heard: that was Joey, Blob, Sonya & the chili upon learning that Nemo will prevent me from beating them tmrw."

As for Jaws, he tweeted post-match: "I started the eating season with a win by eating 2 gallons of chilli. I have a feeling great things will happen this year."

Personally, if I'd just eaten 2 gallons of chili, the only feelings and great things to happen to me would take place in the confines of the cudgie, but then I'm not a living superhuman so what would I know?

Anyway, I digress, for fourth-placed Jon Bello, on tweeting about the slurpfest, noted that the crowd was "nice" and that the chili chugging itself was "like a spiced cement eating contest".

Not that we think he was being critical of the chefs responsible, mind.

And he certainly isn't critical of Jaws, having just tweeted: "good job yesterday champ!"

The Black Widow, for her part, hasn't tweeted anything that we know of because as far as we're aware she doesn't do that sort of thing.

However, we're sure that if she had, it would have been something brilliant because she's ace.

Anyway, congratulations to all the competitors at yesterday's gobathon, which was staged as part of the charity-raising Orlando Chili Cook-off, something MLE describes as "a premier chili-cooking competition sanctioned by the Chili Appreciation Society International (CASI)".

We'd also like to say big thanks to 'Gentleman' Joe Menchetti, who proved he is every part the gentleman by very kindly informing us that the Robert Palmer who placed 12th is not the same chap who had an international hit back in 1986 with Addicted to Love as that one, he explained, "is dead".

Thanks, Joe, and RIP the Robert Palmer who popped his popster's clogs in 2003 and top spooning to the one who didn't and thus was able to heroically compete at the RP Funding World Chili Eating Challenge.

On a more serious note, we would also like to extend our condolences and sympathy to all those who have lost their lives or loved ones in the recent blizzards that have hit the US as well as to all those people whose daily lives have generally been impinged by the weather.

We wish you all well.

And now for the results as far as we understand them at this moment in time courtesy of the MLE website and Twitter feed...

1) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (2 gallons; $1,750);

2) Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt (1.81; $900);

3) Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas (1.125; $500);

4) Jon 'Bastos' Bello (0.69; $250);

=5) Matt Schuermann (0.5; $33.333333333333333...);

=5) Mike Sylvester (0.5; $33.333333333333333...);

=5) Bill Weller (0.5; $33.333333333333333...);

8) Tom 'the Intern' Who Probably Has a Surname But We Don't Know It (0.28);

=9) Jenny Bello (0.25);

=9) Camisha Thomas (0.25);

=9) Matt Raley (0.25);

12) Robert 'Not the Deceased Pop Singer' Palmer (0.125); and

N/A) Tim 'Eater X' Janus (Did Not Bat).

We did have a scoot round YouTube for some footage of the gobathon to embed for your pleasure but we couldn't find any.


Not our fault really.

That said, we did find some footage of last year's Orlando Chili Cook-off courtesy of Kenneth Roberts' YouTube channel so you can watch that instead, can't you?

Right, that's me done.

I'm off down the Crown and Monkey for a few pints of brandy.

I've got a right thirst on, me.


See also X marks the shock, posted 8/10/12.

Do you like our Sandi and her scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that Facebook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her witease. She's just started crying again.

Share this story, yeah?


Kobayashi clobbers gringos at tacos

Takeru 'Kobi' Kobayashi wins at tacos

Living legend Takeru 'Kobi' Kobayashi has stamped his name all over the Second Annual Gringo Bandito Taco Challenge at Chronic Tacos in Huntington Beach, California.

Deep Dish keeps king cake crown

deep dish wins at king cakes

Patrick 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti has set a new world record in Atlantic City, New Jersey to once more retain his king cake crown.

All eyes on Hooters


Forget that over-hyped pile of crap in London. The real sporting action will be taking place this July at a Hooters restaurant in Florida.