Adverts, innum?
dick rampant

EATING & DRINKING

Hooters 'n' hot dogs

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted May 13, 2013
erik the red wins hooters farmersville qualifier
Viking victory: A post-match ETR fails to hide a stain on his T-shirt. © MLE

Erik 'the Red' Denmark wins Farmersville Hooters qualifier while Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez and Laura Riehman go through to Nathan's.


Fearless Seattle Viking Erik 'the Red' Denmark (ETR) has chomped his way to the Hooters World Wing Eating Championship at the original Hooters restaurant in Clearwater, Florida this coming July 25 with a gold-winning gut count of 115 formerly feathered flavoursome fowl flight things in 10 minutes at the third Hooters qualifier in Farmersville, Texas.

Staged this past Saturday (11/5/13) as part of the 2013 Dallas Mother of All Runs, an event described by Major League Eating (MLE), which sanctioned the all-you-can-eat gobathon, as "a mud-strewn obstacle course (and after-party) that challenges athletes from near and far", the chicken chomping chowdown not only saw ETR securing his place at the final but also pocketing $500 (£326) for his efforts.

Similarly Clearwater-bound, Alex 'Moose' Perez landed lettuce worth $300 after coming a close second with 112 wings turned to chyme while Bam Martinez masterfully masticated 96 appendages to pick up $200 for bronze.

"In a field of upstart Dallas Metroplex talent, age and guile prevailed, with ETR leaning on eons at the MLE table to see him through," MLE exclusively tells the Rake & Herald via Twitter.

"Experience pays."

"[On Saturday] it paid $500 and a trip to the Hooters finals in Clearwater, Florida."

"ETR is MLE's only known Boeing executive by day."

"He is a credit to that vaunted aerospace company's values of efficiency, victory and profit."

Moreover, in our opinion at least, he is also a credit to the world of competitive eating.

As is Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez, who the previous Saturday (4/5/13) guzzled his way to Coney Island and this year's Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest after slavering down 27.5 hot dogs and buns (HDBs) in 10 minutes at the fifth Nathan's qualifier in Naples, Florida.


Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez and Laura Riehman win through to Nathan's final
Off to Coney in July: Laura Riehman (left) and More Bite (right). © Juan Rodriguez


ALL HAIL THE HEADBAND!
Officially recognised by the Rake & Herald as the best dressed gurgitator in the world, More Bite once more donned his trademark shades and headband before bagging his first appearance at the Ashes of alimentary athleticism.

But it wasn't just the likes of Kevin 'LA Beast' Strahle, who came second with 24.5 HDBs, Crazy Legs Conti (CLC), who took bronze with 23, and Laura Riehman, who landed a seat at the women's final with six (or 6.5, according to the excellent Eat Feats), that More Bite had to battle.

Oh no siree, Bob, for the Las Vegas-based gourmandiser also had to contend with oodles of electromagnetic radiation streaming across the vastness of space from that fiery atom-smashing orb known as the Sun.

Or le Soleil if you're French.

"Words can't describe how excited I am to be attending Coney Island, where I'll target 33-35 HDBs," More Bite exclusively twitterises the Rake & Herald.

"The HDBs were no problem [but] the heat played a factor."

"Right at the 6:30 mark, it hit like a ton of bricks."

"The crowd was terrific [and] showed us all support before, during and after the contest."

"I love eating against LA Beast and CLC," he continues, describing these two MLE stalwarts as "great competitors".

But what about the shades and headband?

Where did they come from and do they help More Bite take down more tucker more quicker?

"The combo," he reveals, "came together when I first started competing regularly, though the original headband had to be replaced due to old age."

"It's an extension of the More Bite persona."

So we'll take that as a yes, then.

And man, they look ace.

Especially the shades.

Heck, I want a pair.


Rob 'Dog' Nguyen makes his debut
Light lunch: Rob Dog enjoying a quick snack. © Rob Nguyen


HOT DOGS AND ROB DOGS
Last Saturday's hot dog dispatching, though, wasn't solely limited to the sunny southern city of Naples, Florida for over in Livermore, California, a short 4,300 km stroll away, San Jose-based food challenger Rob 'Dog' Nguyen ventured beyond the realms of restaurants and YouTube to take on his first head-to-head contest of his career.

And as débuts go, his showing at the 12-minute unsanctioned Spanky's Dog House Hot Dog Eating Contest (itself part of 22nd Annual Livermore Wine Country Festival) was pretty impressive.

Aided admittedly by a fairly explosive last-minute reversal of fortune from the Greatest, this martial artist with a liking for light sabres wasted no time in shoving 10 HBDs down his north to take silver behind Kyle 'the White Ninja' Williford, who retained his title for a second consecutive year with a golden gulletisationalism of 13.

"I had fun, no regrets and, best of all, I can't wait for next year," Rob Dog exclusively tells the Rake & Herald via that FaceBook thing.

And what's more, he continues, "I'm still hungry!"

But from hot dogs and Rob Dogs, we must now turn our attention to stinking great dog turds.

As you may or may not be aware, Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok Wang was recently involved in a truly horrific accident that saw him sustaining life-threatening injuries to his head, balls and bell end.

After being rushed to St Fiacre's hospital on the back of a bicycle, he slipped into a deep and silent coma.

Unable to speak or feed himself, he withdrew into the hidden emptiness of his mind, his only links with the outside world that we so crassly take for granted being a saline drip and a machine that went 'beep'.

As he lay there catatonic on his bed like some mangled marionette, we watched as his life force slowly ebbed away as though it were air leaking from a punctured tyre.

Sadly, this state of affairs could not persist indefinitely.

Thus it is with heavy heart that I must inform you – you, our cherished and beloved readers – that, despite all our prayers and efforts, at exactly 12.14 local time yesterday (12/5/13) Kok Wang, the father of two boys named Ronnie and Reggie and the loving husband of Queenie, a former good-time girl and blackmailer, woke up and discharged himself.

And here he bloody is now.

Kok, you tosser, how come you're not dead?

I saw that gaping great hole in your head.

I even put my fingers and a spoon in it.

Can't you do anything f--king right?


A RETURN FROM THE GRAVE
Shut it, vinegar tits, or I'll do you with a carvin' knife.

And if you must know, that hole in me loaf has sorted me right out.

Turns out, I basically got a free trepanation and now I feel bleedin' marvellous.

In fact, I've never felt better in all me porridge, except when I wanna take a slash of course.

And talking of slashes, it looks like I've finally got that Slasher McGee off me back as well.

[Oh?]

Yeah.

See, when I came round, there he was standing by me bed demanding that wedge what I still owed him.

'Course, I told him to fack off 'cos I didn't have it.

This gets right up his nose, so just to spite me, he picks up this pie someone had left for me as a get well pressie and takes a massive great bloody bite out of it.

Starts laughin' right in me boat, he does.

Then he wolfs the whole lot down like he was a bleedin' pro gurgitator.

Five minutes later, he drops down brown bread.

Stone bloody cold, I tell ya.

[A pie, you say?]

Yeah, a pie someone had left me.

[Blackberry and apple?]

Yeah, it was actually.

What's it to you, Toxic?

[Nothing. Just wondering].

Anyway, a little bit later, Keith Burtons, you know, that bookie's runner from Plaistow, turns up and flops out a monkey.

Slaps it down on me bedside table and says it's mine.

Says I won it the other day when I put that bet on Megatoad winning the World Deep-Fried Asparagus Eating Championship in Stockton.

Now I'm quids in and Slasher's gone the way of the dodo.

Nice one, Megatoad.

And nice one, Erik the Red.

He's had a pretty busy time of it lately, coming sixth in creek Indian tacos and fourth in oysters at the Foodabluza bash and then third in the National Sweet Corn Eating Championship.

Plus, he's also just gone up a place, from 12th to 11th, in the MLE rankings, so that Hooters win must've been the icin' on the fackin' cake for him.

What's more, he came eighth at last year's Hooters final with 88 wings down his gob, so that 115 he done in Farmersville, I can't help thinkin', bodes pretty well.

I see improvement ahead.

In fact, if he'd done that in the 2012 Clearwater gobathon, he'd've placed equal sixth with Tim 'Gravy' Brown.

So nice one, ETR.

Keep up the good work and let's see you walkin' away with some folding stuff if not the golden gong itself this July 25.

I just hope he can still find a place at Nathan's if that's what he's after.

And talkin' of Nathan's, well done, More Bite.

I'm well chuffed to see he'll be at the bloke's battle table this year.

He's got style has More Bite, and I'm not just referrin' to his shades and 'eadband, although they are fackin' tremendous make no mistake.

I hope he becomes a Coney Island regular, especially now Deep Dish ain't gonna be there in his swimming togs.

According to the Eat Feats database, that win in Naples was his first ever MLE gold, so big up yourself, More Bite, and respect to the shades and 'eadband!

And talkin' of firsts, fair play to young Rob Dog.

I know that that wasn't exactly the Nathan's final but for a first ever contest he done proper good.

He told us he's motivated by the fun of the thing, and the crowd certainly seemed to enjoy his performance.

I've seen some of his YouTube vids, like that Valentine's Day one, and he's also well nifty with the old martial arts so I reckon he should combine the two.

Maybe slicing up a 'uge great salami with a samurai sword and a few kendo moves.

Then he could scarf it all down while beating the crap out of a monster steak with a pair of nunchucks or whatever they're called.

You never know, we could be looking at the first Chuck Norris of competitive eating, in which case that Livermore silver could well go down in history.

Course, whether he ever marries the two skills is up to him.

It's just a suggestion, like, but I'd bloody love to see him give a pile of pancakes a one-inch punch.

I reckon it would look right fackin' smart.

And I should know 'cos I once kicked the shit out of some arsehole's fish and chips and when they played the tapes back in court even the judge looked impressed.

Mind you, he also gave me three months for affray, the miserable old c--t.


PRETTY FULLISH RESULTS
Thanks, Kok.

Shame he didn't give you life.

Kok?

Hmm, he seems to have passed out.

What a pity.

Anyway, here are the results of the above-mentioned mandible clashes based on the MLE Twitter feed, the Eat Feats website and YouTube footage of the Livermore hot dog contest.


HOOTERS QUALIFIER, FARMERSVILLE, TEXAS (11/5/13)

1) Erik 'the Red' Denmark (115 chicken wings in 10 minutes; $500; Seat, Hooters World Wing-Eating Championship);

2) Alex 'Moose' Perez (112; $300; Seat, Hooters World Wing-Eating Championship);

3) Bam Martinez (96; $200; Seat, Hooters World Wing-Eating Championship);

4) Mark P (92);

5) Marco 'Mongo' Marquez (83);

6) Roland A (80);

=7) Aida Martinez (76);

=7) Ken K (76); and

9) Clint G (67).


ETR, Moose and Bam Martinez will now join Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas, Eric 'Badlands' Booker, Damien Boykin, Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut, Neil Sebree and Jon 'Bastos' Bello in the final at Clearwater.

Meanwhile, the next Hooters qualifier will take place in Cincinnati, Ohio this coming June 8 with one further heat set to happen in Las Vegas, Nevada on June 26.


NATHAN'S QUALIFIER, NAPLES, FLORIDA (4/5/13)

1) Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez (27.5 HDBs in 10 minutes; Men's Seat, Coney Island, July 4);

2) Kevin 'LA Beast' Strahle (24.5);

3) Crazy Legs Conti (23); and

Placement unknown) Laura Riehman (6 or maybe 6.5; Women's Seat, Coney Island, July 4).


More Bite will now line up with Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt, Pete 'Pretty Boy' Davekos, Yasir 'the Doggy Bag' Salem and Jeff 'the Beast Man' Butler to take on reigning Men's champ Jaws while Laura Riehman will get to lock horns with the Black Widow, the Women's title holder, alongside Larell Marie 'the Real Deal' Mele, Dee 'Pi Gal' Martin, Mary 'I Love 'Em Hot!' Bowers and Miki Sudo.

The next Nathan's qualifier will take place in St Paul, Minnesota this coming June 2.

It will be followed by a further six knockout chowdowns that we simply can't be arsed to list right now.

For more details, have a click of this.


SPANKY'S DOG HOUSE HOT DOG EATING CONTEST, LIVERMORE, CALIFORNIA (4/5/13)

1) Kyle 'the White Ninja' Williford (13 HDBs in 12 minutes; $100);

2) Rob 'Dog' Nguyen (10);

3) Nono Panez (9);

4) Neil 'We Think' Relay-for-Life (6.5);

5) Jessie 'Mr Wells Fargo' Apparently (5); and

DSQ) The Greatest (reversed after 13 in last minute).


Big pats on the back to all those who took part in the scoffing, organising and emceeing, whether in Texas, Florida or California

As ever, our sincere apologies for not knowing everybody's names and in some cases having to guess them.

Many many thanks to MLE, More Bite and Rob Dog for their exclusive quotes.

Keep 'em coming, please!

And with that all said, it's now time for some video footage of the Spanky's gobathon that we've embedded from Rob Dog's well-worth-a-look YouTube channel.

Enjoy.





Right, gotta go.

Something's just picked up Kok's bottle of Scotch and thrown it at the wall.

Bloody hell!

It's just done the same with me can of Special Brew.

And me packet of Lamberts!

F--k me.

I think we've got a poltergeist.


See also Four in a row for Black Widow, posted 14/4/13, and Las Vegas débutant ball, posted 21/4/13.


To fully understand why Kok was in a coma and now finds passing water painful, make sure you read Megatoad beats Jaws with asparagus, posted 11/5/13.


Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that FaceBook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.




Share this story, yeah?

MORE FROM EATING & DRINKING

The early bird catches the Jester

rooster ales

Rooster unleashes Jester but you'd better get your skates on.

A Toad's eye view

matt megatoad stonie vid update

Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie has just released footage of his Boston hot dog engorgement. Check it out now!

Big-up for Bodmin boozer

the hole in the wall in bodmin named camra local pub of the year

Hole in the Wall in Bodmin named one of CAMRA's top local pubs.

SHARE THE RAKE