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Heart Attack suffers Bear attack

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted March 07, 2013
bear kills heart attack poutine
The Heart Attack: So that's the starter but what about the main? © Poutineville

The powerful paws and jaws of Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald have pulverised a 15 lb (6.8 kg) pan of poutine in record time.

The Poutineville restaurant on Montréal's Ontario East Street was last night (6/3/13) the scene of a sustained and savage Bear attack that left one 15 lb pan of poutine dead and one Connecticut-based competitive eater somewhat full.

Unlike certain other parts of Canada, the largest city within the predominantly French-speaking province of Quebec is generally considered free of ravenous ursine megafauna.

However, the relative peace and quiet of the city was shattered around 19:30 local time when a jaw-chomping gurgitator known to science as Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald picked up a fork and promptly proceeded to pound the hell out of "the biggest poutine in Montréal".

Dubbed the Heart Attack, this gargantuan grizzly growler of a dish consists of 5 lbs of fries (or chips if you're Brits) buried beneath a further 10 lbs of bacon, chicken, hot dogs, ground beef, smoked ham, onions, green peppers, diced tomatoes, mushrooms, curd cheese, mozzarella cheese and poutine sauce.

Usually served, we understand, with four big forky things, this dramatic dish of Desperate Dan dimensions is not typically tackled by a solo sitter but then the Bear, as his track record readily reveals, is not exactly your typical diner, having this past January been named by All Pro Eating (APE) as "the undisputed Number One Ranked Independent Competitive Eater in the World".

But could the Bear, who, in his debut year last year won "five straight APE-sanctioned competitive eating championships in addition to 60 other food eating contests and challenges", polish off every last particle of poutine within the requisite 30-minute time limit?

Here's a clue.

The answer rhymes with 'Tess' and has the opposite meaning to 'no'.

Described by APE chairman Todd Greenwald as having unmatched "Herculean strength" and a "Zeus-like appetite [that] has not been seen for ages", the Bear not only dispatched the lot, but he did so in precisely 25 minutes, 23 seconds and one centisecond or millisecond or decisecond or something.

Whatever 25:23:01 means on a stopwatch, anyway.

But was it a doddle or a struggle or something in the middle?

"This one was rough," the Bear reveals in an exclusive twitterisationalism with the Rake & Herald.

"Great food but poutine is very rich and heavy."

"I knew going in that I would have to go fast and keep fluid to a minimum."

"The last five minutes were tough."

"It was all willpower and stubbornness."

"I have pushed myself further than that but this one is Top Five for sure."

What's more, he says, "the owners were great", adding that they even gave him "the big pan they served it in".

And trust me, from what we've seen, it certainly is pretty big.

In fact, if you turned it upside down it could probably double as an ersatz gazebo.

Although I'd probably just use it to pan the crap out of Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok Wang, who still hasn't thanked me for springing him out of the nick the other day, have you, Kok?

You ungrateful barrel of pus.

Shut it, Sandi, or you'll get a gob full of sovs again.

Remember, I've still got that gun, not to mention those import docs linking you to all that horsemeat we were palming off as beef while the website was down.

So keep your trap shut and you might just live to see the start of next week, got it?

Anyway, back to the Bear, and what a geezer, eh?

I've already lost count of how many chowdowns and challenges he's won so far this year but it's a bleedin' great bollockload, I can tell you that for gratis.

Just last month alone, for instance, he popped over to Chicago for a couple of days and promptly came back with eight new records under his belt.

And I don't mean Stevie Wonder LPs neither.

Seven of 'em were for monster munchin' menu challenges while the other pertained to a Polish doughnut gobathon at Bennison's Bakery.

In that particular face-stuffin' race, he was part of a two-man team with Tomas 'Tommy Boy' Cortina that saw 'em scoffing a total of 39 pączki in five minutes flat to fend off some pretty tasty tickle from a duo consisting of Eric 'Silo' Dahl and Randy Santel that collectively rammed a rollocking great 34 down their north and souths.

And while we're on the subject, in the old język polski, pączki means 'doughnuts' while paczki with just the normal A means 'packets' or 'packages'.

There's quite a difference if you're down a Polish post office, but I'll leave all the nitty-gritty pube-splitting stuff to that 'Furious' Pete Czerwinski for now as he's the man who knows his arse from his dupa on that front.

Anyhow, another big round of applause for the Bear.

What a bloody hero!

Now back to that stupid mare Sandi.

I'm off for a lung warmer.

Thanks, Kok, you slimy sack of walrus jizz.

Unfortunately, we don't actually have any video footage of the Heart Attack's mauling to show you at this very moment in time.

However, to give you some idea of what must have gone on in Montréal, here's a classic: an up-front-and-personal of the Bear in Chicago last month vacuuming up a 6 lb El Jefe burrito at Taco Village.

Spoiler alert: he does the lot in 4 minutes and 20 seconds.

The previous best, by the way, was 8 minutes 30.

So that was the Bear scarfing down a spicy python like a lamprey sucking the life blood out of a mackerel, but what about eating a whole Hobbit at Denny's in Middle-earth?

Well, he's done that too...

Again, hats off to the Bear.

And we haven't even mentioned him winning Wing Bowl 21.

But don't worry because we soon will.

So take some deep breaths and keep your hair on.

Right, gotta go.

Kok's left his keys behind and I fancy taking his cab for a spin.

Down the f--king canal!

See also Bear breaks Hamantaschen record, posted 24/2/13, and The greatest prize of all, posted 15/10/12.

The above videos were embedded from the Bear's YouTube channel, where you can watch a shedload more amazing acts of alimentary athleticism and digestional derring-do. Meanwhile, we also recommend you check out his website, Facebook page and Twitter feed. The Bear, he's bloody brilliant.

Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that Facebook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.

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