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Happy birthday, Miki!

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted July 22, 2017
miki sudo wins nathan's womens hot dogs contest 2017
Victory for Sudo! Miki raises the 2017 Nathan's Women's trophy in Noi Yoik. ©

The R&H pays birthday honours to superchomping superchamp Miki Sudo.

When it was decided that we would finally return from hiatus, I told Rake & Herald CEO JMH, eternal editor AC89 and that fat bloke Ignatius Rake that there was no way I was going to work weekends again.

You can shove it up your jinker, I remember screaming at Rake while I threw crockery at him.

Eventually, he agreed that I could take weekends off as long as I stayed in my cage and kept my mouth shut.

Then I went on that FaceBook today (22/7/17) and saw it was Miki Sudo's birthday and thought that even though it was a Saturday I'd better scribble out a tribute to her.


Because she's flippin' ace, that's why.

In fact, she's more than ace.

She's a full-on superstar.

Don't believe me?

Well, this past July 4, she won the Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Women's Hot Dog Eating Contest in Noi Yoik, Unites States of A for the fourth time in a row with a personal best of 41 hot dogs and buns (HDBs) in 10 mins to land eternal glory and lovely lucre totalling ten grand Americano, or 7,695 squid 34 pence, if you're Cornish like me.

Either way, that's a lot of wedge to spend on a birthday cake so we hope it's absolutely massive and she eats it all in under a minute.

That's if she spends it on a birthday cake, mind.

She might have other plans for it but that's up to her and no one's saying she must buy a birthday cake with it.

I just think she should.

Or maybe not.

Maybe she could buy two.

Either way, well done, Miki.

Now back to the article.

miki sudo competitive eatercake
Many happy returns! Look! We baked her a cake. For $10,000. © Miki Sudo/public domain

Prior to winning Nathan's, so the ever excellent Eat Feats database tells me, Miki also engobulated 3.95 lbs (1.8 kg) of ribs, well the meat, anyway, in eight minutes to secure silver and $800 at Ribfest Chicago's RIBMANIA Eating Championship in Chicago.

I don't think she ate the bones.

Either way, that was in June, a month in which she also gulletised 14 lbs of ice cream sandwiches in six mins to bag bronze and a monkey (or 500 notes if you're not familiar with the Pentonville Abacus) at the Baked Bear World Ice-Cream Sandwich Eating Championship in San Diego.

Oh, and also 41 doughnuts (spelt 'donuts' in the States because the never want to win at Scrabble) in eight minutes for another silver and a second monkey at the Salvation Army National Donut Day World Donut Eating Championship in Santa Monica.

Not bad, eh?

Especially if you like monkeys.

Well, I could go on.

And in fact I will because in May she came second and third at the West Virginia Three Rivers Festival Pepperoni Roll Eating World Championship and the Mystic Lake Casino Hotel World Taco Eating Championship with respective tooth tallies of 30.5 pepperoni rolls in 10 minutes and 96 tacos in eight to bank a combined total of $1,850.

And before all that in February, she also slurped down six 32-oz (0.9-kg) bowls of chilli (spelt chili in the States for previously stated reasons) at the World Chili Eating Challenge in Orlando.

Salutes, Miki, you are a legend!

Lend us a monkey, yeah?

Now over to Rake & Herald fashion editor, loudmouth London cabbie, violent criminal and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok 'Bloody' Wang, who most definitely isn't.

A legend, that is.

He's just a lump of lard with a mouth.

And no brain or soul.

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Shut it, you ugly bint, and get back in yer cage.

It's a bloody Saturday, remember?

[Hang on. Weren't we meant to get married a while back?]

Oh, yeah.

But then I got killed and turned into a canoe.

[That's right. I'd forgotten that.]

Anyway, Miki's a fackin' superstar and I wish her all the best for her birthday, which lasts a week in my book at least.

She's got style, panache, a great visual eatin' technique (the Angry Pony as Major League Eatin' emcee extraordinaire George Shea calls it) and, what's more, the more-than-proven ability to wolf down more hot dinners in a few seconds flat than you've had hot dinners.

Or wolves.

Personally, I reckon she'd look fan-fackin'-tastic in one of our new Rake Clag range of T-shirts so I've cleared it with JMH to send 'er one fer free if she's readin' this.

Miki, you are the dog's bollocks (which means the absolute bloody best in British) and we doff our caps and raise our glasses to yer!

At the same time in fact.

Which ain't easy but you deserve it, gal.

Have a bloody good birthday knees-up, yeah?

Thanks, Kok, you dribbling bell-end.

And when it comes to T-shirts and the like, we've got shedtonnes, including various competitive eating ones that you can check out here.

So why not have a rummage, eh?

And if you're Miki Sudo (and Miki Sudo only, mind - we'll tell you to eff right off if you're just some random chancer), the price tag is gratis.

Within reason, of course.

Can't go sending you hundreds.

That would be mental.

Anyway, now that we're back from hiatus, we'll be once more reactivating our award-worthy competitive eating coverage forthwith, or something, with the next event in our calendar being, er, let's see…

The Fresno Tacos World Taco-Eating Championship in, er, Fresno, which is...

Aw, shit a brick, Kok, it's next Saturday!

Sodding rabbit tods!

I'm gonna have to work next bloody weekend now.

Right, gotta go.

Better clean out my cage.

Happy birthday, Miki!

Have a great one and keep up the fantastic food fighting, yeah?

And now via the ESPN website, here's some highlights of Miki in action at the 2017 Nathan's Women's Final. Sorry, we couldn't find/embed the whole thing, although you might be able to watch it by clicking this if ESPN will let you (they told us to sling our hook because we're tightwads, or something). Also, there are some more highlights and a short post-match Miki interview (starting at 35 mins 20 seconds in) here if you fancy it. Anyway, what we could find and embed was the full bloke's bash. So we did. So there. Smacznego!

See also Happy birthday, Molly!, posted 9/12/15, and our ace Miki Sudo interview from a few years back, The lady is a champ, posted 15/3/14.

Sandi Toxic
was raised by wolves inside a disused clay pit near Lanjeth. You can befriend her on FaceBook here. She is still quite feral.

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