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EATING & DRINKING

Happy birthday, Jaws!

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted November 25, 2013
jaws wins hooters
Birthday boy: Jaws after winning last year's Hooters. © MLE

The R&H pays tribute to Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut, the world's greatest superscarfer, who turns 30 today.


November 25, 1983 will be a date etched in the annals of alimentary athleticism for all eternity, for on that day a child was born.

A boy.

A boy who grew up to be a teenager.

And then a man.

But no ordinary man.

A man with a jaw power equivalent to that of a German shepherd.

The dog that is.

Not a Teutonic sheep worrier.

A man with a stomach capacity bigger than that of an elephant and a blue whale put together.

A man who in 2005 was named Rookie of the Year by Major League Eating (MLE).

A man who at the 2007 Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, Noi Yoik unseated the then six-times reigning world champion Takeru 'the Tsunami' Kobayashi with a gut count of 66 hot dogs and buns (HDBs) in 12 minutes to the Tsunami's 63.

A man who has gone on to win every subsequent Nathan's final since, beating his own 2009 record of 68 HDBs in 10 minutes1 this very year by stuffing a stonking great 69 of the things down his crop in front of a stunned crowed of 40,000 and countless others watching on the box and interweb.

I speak, of course, of Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut, the San Jose-based superhuman superscarfing superhero and Rake & Herald reader who, among many other things over his long and noble competitive eating career, engobulated a gut-busting 24 lbs (10.9 kg) of poutine at the Fourth Annual Smoke's Poutinerie World Poutine Eating Championship in Yonge-Dundas Square in Toronto, Canada this past October 19.

And what better birthday present could he wish for than for us to copy and paste his MLE bib sheet here on the hallowed pages of the Rake & Herald?

So here goes.

Right.

Control + C.

Hang on.

Don't rush me.

And then Control + V.

Yeah, got it.

Wicked.


jaws wins krystals
Screw the cake! Give him some burgers! © MLE


BEAT THIS, YA F--KERS!
• Apple Pie: 4.375 3-lb apple pies; Mapleside Farms; 8 minutes; September 13, 2013

• Asparagus: 9 lbs 5.2 oz (1 oz = 28.3 g) of deep-fried asparagus spears; Stockton Asparagus Festival; 10 minutes; April 16, 2011

• Brain Tacos: 54 brain tacos; Zombie Pub Crawl; 8 minutes; October 12, 2013

• Bratwursts: 70 Hillshire Farm brats; Oktoberfest Zinzinnati; 10 minutes; September 22, 2013

• Chicken Wings, 12 minutes: 7.61 lbs of Buffalo chicken wings; 12 minutes; September 2, 2012

• Chicken Wings, long form: 182 chicken wings; 30 minutes

• Chili (or chilli if you're British and want to win at Scrabble): 2 gallons (7.6 litres) of Ben's Chili Bowl beef chili; Taste of DC; 6 minutes; October 9, 2011

• Corned Beef Sandwiches: 20 8-oz sandwiches; TooJay's World Class Corned Beef Eating Championship; 10 minutes; March 17, 2012

• Eggs: 141 hard-boiled eggs; 8 minutes; October 5, 2013

• Fish Tacos: 23 6-oz. Joey's Seafood Restaurants fish tacos; 5 minutes; August 9, 2013

• Funnel Cake: 5.9 lbs; Kings Dominion; 10 minutes; May 23, 2009

• Grilled Cheese Sandwiches: 47 grilled cheese sandwiches; 10 minutes; June 10, 2006

• Gyros: 22.25 8-oz gyros; Niko Niko's Gyros; 10 minutes; May 19, 2013

• Hamburgers (Krystals): 103 Krystal burgers; 8 minutes; October 28, 2007

• Horseshoe Sandwiches: 6 lbs 5 oz of horseshoe sandwiches; 12 minutes

• Hot Dogs: 69 Nathan's HDBs; 10 minutes; July 4, 2013

• Ice Cream, short form: 1.81 gallons of vanilla ice cream; Magnify Credit Union World Ice Cream Eating Championship; 6 minutes; April 6, 2013

• Jalapeno Poppers: 118 jalapeno poppers; University of Arizona; 10 minutes; April 8, 2006

• Kolache Factory kolaches: 56 sausage and cheese kolaches; Kolache Factory in Houston, Texas; 8 minutes; September 14, 2007

• Pastrami: 25 7-oz half Katz's Delicatessen pastrami sandwiches; 10 minutes; June 2, 2013

• Philly Cheesesteaks: 23 6" (15.2 cm) sandwiches; Dorney Park; 10 minutes; May 14, 2011

• Pizza Hut P'Zones: 7.5 Pizza Hut p'zones; Pizza Hut Chow-Lenge @ Spike Guys Choice Awards; 10 minutes; June 4, 2011

• Pork Ribs: 13.76 lbs of pork rib meat; John Ascuaga's Nugget; 12 minutes; August 28, 2013

• Pork, pulled: 9 lbs 6 oz of smoked pulled pork; Horseshoe Casino Council Bluffs; 10 minutes; September 16, 2006

• Pork, pulled sandwiches: 45 pulled pork sandwiches; 10 minutes; September 1, 2007

• Poutine: 24 lbs; Smoke's Poutinerie; 10 minutes; October 19, 2013

• Salt Potatoes: 13 lbs of salt potatoes; Wild Carp Week; 10 minutes; May 14, 2011

• Shrimp Wontons: 390 shrimp wontons; CP Biggest Eater Competition 2011-12; 8 minutes; February 11, 2012

• Tacos: 53 soft beef tacos; Taco Bell; 10 minutes; July 29, 2011

• Tamales: 102 Dat's Good Barbecue tamales; Lewisville Western Days; 12 minutes; September 29, 2012

• Twinkies: 121 Twinkies; Bally's Casino-Tunica; 6 minutes; October 26, 2013


To see all of Jaws' phenomenal results over the years, have a scoot round the ever excellent Eat Feats database here. And no, I haven't got a clue what some of those foods are either, but I'm pretty sure Jaws does.


jaws 10 years ago
Youngblood: Weirdly enough, Jaws had less hair when he was younger. © MLE


THE TRIBUTES POUR IN
"Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut is a legend," says Rake & Herald eternal editor AC89.

"All here at the Rake & Herald wish him an excellent day and year ahead and look forward to him breaking the 70-HDB mark at next year's Nathan's final."

"Which he will."

"Possibly."

"There is no other way to describe Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut than as a true gurgitatory goliath," adds Rake & Herald chief hack Ignatius Rake as if I f--king care.

AC's alright but that Rake bloke's a c--t.

Have a read of this if you don't believe me.

Anyway, the fat shit continues: "I know the Tsunami and his many fans might care to differ, but as far as I'm concerned Jaws is not only the greatest living gurgitator, he is also the greatest gurgitator ever and quite possibly always will be."

"He's f--king amazing."

"I have the great honour of being able to say I ate against him in poutine in Toronto last month and trust me, that day will live on in my heart, mind and soul forever."

"Of course, I let him win but that's neither here nor there because Jaws isn't just the übereater of übereaters, he's also a damn fine bloke."

"Interviewing him after the chowdown was a true pleasure and I doff my cap to him for eternity."

"Oh, and big thanks for signing my Smoke's T-shirt, Jaws."

"I have to beat the women off with a shitty stick now."

At press time, Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok Wang was unavailable for comment as he was down the shops buying a new pair of tracky bottoms for me and him's upcoming wedding, although he did scrawl the following on the wall of a pub toilet a few months back: "Jaws roolz an annywon hoo sez diferrent can shove it up there fackin [last word illegible]!"

Happy birthday, Jaws, and many happy returns from all here at the Rake & Herald.

Keep on chomping, sir!

Right, gotta go.

I'm nearly out of Spesh.

But before I do, here's Jaws winning this year's Nathan's courtesy of America Today's YouTube channel.

No disrespect to every other gurgitator out there but man, Jaws is f--king ace!





See also Post-match Jaws, posted 25/10/13; The champ gets chomping, posted 4/7/13; and Sixty-nine bloody hot dogs!!!, posted 5/7/13, among many others.


But who will be named R&H Rookie of the Year 2013? Stay tuned to find out, folks, because we'll be making an announcement shortly. Just as soon as the astrological alignments are right. Clue: It wasn't that f--king Rake bloke that's for sure.


Footnote

1) Nathan's changed from a 12-minute format to a 10-minute one in 2008.




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