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EATING & DRINKING

Get ready to chomp!

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted June 30, 2012
Eric Badlands Booker
Kelly, watch the stars: Badlands Booker will be one of the heroes on stage. (Check bottom for credit)

Major League Eating (MLE) has announced the bib sheets of the superheroes taking part in the forthcoming Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest.


To be staged at the corner of Surf and Stillwell on Coney Island in Noi Yoik, US of A this coming Wednesday, the greatest show on Earth will get underway at 11.30 local time with the Women's Championship.

Now in its second year, the ladies' 10-minute stuff-your-gob-athon will see 2011 winner and Rake & Herald favourite Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas gnashing teeth against former chemistry professor and World Jellied Cranberry Sauce Eating Champion Juliet Lee; trainee teacher Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco; Maria 'Edible', a paralegal and freelance model who appears to have already eaten her own surname; and personal trainer Larell Marie Mele.

Another big Rake & Herald favourite Meredith 'Deep-Fried Diva' Boxberger will also be up on stage going great guns (we hope) alongside Heather Osthoff, wife of Aaron 'A-Train' Osthoff, the number eight MLE competitive eater; Canadian oil and gas engineer Nicole Anderson; Neslie 'Sweetness' Ricasa, whose boyfriend happens to be a certain Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut; John Carroll University student Molly Nemunaitis; Dee Martin, the better half of MLE number 48 Steve 'Pi Guy' Martin; Mary Bowers, who once ate 11 wild boar sausages in eight minutes; Theresa 'Snow Day' Subich, a registered nurse married to MLE number 21 'Big' Brian Subich; and former vegan Janice Deregla, the girlfriend of MLE number 10 Tim 'Gravy' Brown.

HERE ARE THE YOUNG MEN
Just 20 minutes after the ladies have scoffed themselves into the history books, it'll be time for the men to gorge their way into the hearts and minds of the world.

Taking centre stage will be five-time reigning champion and all-out flipping superhero Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut1, who will no doubt have is eyes fixed on beating his own world record of guzzling down 68 – I repeat, sixty-eight – hot dogs in 10 minutes, which he set at the Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest back in 2009.

Looking to munch the coveted yellow belt off him, though, will be an array of gurgitators with the combined eating power to devour the Solar System, viz World Burping Champion Tim 'Eater X' Janus; Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie, who last year came third behind Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut and Pat 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti; World Beef Brisket Sandwich Eating Champion Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt; Patrick 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti, who holds a total of 39 – I repeat, thirty-nine – world records, more than any other eater in history; and another Rake & Herald favourite, rap sensation Eric 'Badlands' Booker, who has also just released a new album entitled Big Man Mentality.

Meanwhile, Aaron 'A-Train' Osthoff, who once ate 7 lbs (3.2 kg) of catfish in 10 minutes, will also be steaming his way through the buns and dogs in the company of recent culinary school graduate and baker of artisan breads Adrian 'The Rabbit' Morgan; World Spot Shrimp Eating Champion Erik 'the Red' Denmark; Sean 'Flash' Gordon, who, like Elvis, once ate 19.5 peanut butter and banana sandwiches in 10 minutes; Tim 'Gravy' Brown, who runs a food truck in Chicago called GluttonForce Five in partnership with 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti; body builder Pete 'Pretty Boy' Davekos; Micah 'Wing Kong' Collins, who began his competitive eating career on the International Poultry Circuit; triathlete Yasir 'the Doggy Bag' Salem, who placed second behind Eater X in the recent World Burping Championships with a belch of 16.3 seconds; University of Alberta graduate Lee Vilinsky; and of course culture editor DJ NRG Raver's own favourite gurgitator, Lumberjack Breakfast-Eating Champion Crazy Legs Conti.


GOOD LUCK TO THE LOT OF THEM
"We love competitive eating and wish all the gurgitators at this year's Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest the very best of luck," says Rake & Herald chief hack Ignatius Rake.

"Unlike with other sports, such as footie or bog snorkelling, it's very hard to want a particular individual to win as by definition that means someone else has to lose and we want all of them to eat a minimum of 72 dogs and buns," adds eternal editor AC89.

"Of course, we've got our own personal favourites, such as the Black Widow and the Deep-Fried Diva, not to mention Badlands and the man himself Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut, but, like Rakey Boy says, we wish them all well and if any of them fancy an interview, they are more than welcome to send us an email or a tweet saying so and I'll make sure these lazy, good-for-nothing hacks drop everything and get on the case right away."

But that Rake bloke and his mate AC89 aren't the only ones round here with an opinion they somehow think I'm interested in writing down.

"You know what I'd do if I was that Eater X?" asks fashion editor and former London cab driver Kok Wang as if I give a toss.

"No. What?" replies overworked, underappreciated and seductively attractive female editorial assistant Sandi Toxic.

"I'd wait till about half way through then I'd do a massive belch to get everyone else to do a reversal, i.e. a puke, just like you can on that MLE app we wrote about a couple of weeks ago."

"Then I'd pocket the $20,000 purse and split it with Kok Wang for giving me the idea."

"What you say, Tim?"

"Are you in, or what?"


WHERE'S KOBI?
One name missing from the above list of alimentary athletes, of course, is living legend and multiple Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest winner Takeru Kobayashi, who for reasons we really can't be arsed to explore or explain is sadly no longer an MLE eater.

However, we are very glad to report that the Japanese superstar is alive and well.

Furthermore, he has exclusively informed the Rake & Herald that he will be taking part in a different Noi Yoik hot dog eating competition this coming July 4.

Yep, that's right, Kobayashi will be appearing at the 2012 Crif Dog Classic, which, he tells us, will be streamed live on the interweb here.

So if you don't think you can handle the crowd of 40,000 expected on Coney Island this coming Wednesday, you can always go along to that instead.

Or better still, learn to bi-locate and be at both.

Well, that's what I'm going to do anyway.

And if that Rake bloke tries stopping me again, he can expect another boot in the bollocks, can't he?

Bon appétit!

Right, I'm off.


To see the full Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest bib sheets click here and here. Meanwhile, to find how you can watch the event live, on the box or on the interweb click this lovely link. But whatever you do remember that no other news organ is so dedicated to competitive eating than the Rake & Herald so why not bookmark us now; tell all your friends about us; and keep coming back for more and more and more and more? Go on. You know you want to.


See also Hot dogs at noon, posted 26/6/12.


Footnote


1) See, I did make a note of it, didn't I?


Picture credit

Top and thumb: Eric 'Badlands' Booker by Hello Turkey Toe.

For licensing information click the above link.



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