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EATING & DRINKING

Full Throw Down low-down

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted April 04, 2014
stage
The stage of greatness: Gearing up for the gobfest ahead. © MLE

Wicked! Here's our full Wind Creek's Throw Down write-up. Read it now without delay!


Exactly one week ago today history was made in the US of A when Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut put 62 pork sliders away in a mere 10 minutes of a single day.

Oh yea.

Hey, hey.

What can you say?

Sorry.

No idea where that came from.


TWO RECORDS IN AS MANY DAYS
Anyway, the fact remains that on Friday, March 28, the Major League Eating (MLE) number one speedscarfing supremo did indeed ram a monster 62 pulled pork sandwich jobbies down his gob in just 600 seconds to win the Pork Slider Eating Contest at the Wind Creek Casino & Hotel in Atmore, Alabama.

The first of two all-you-can-eat gobathons that comprised the Wind Creek's Throw Down, the event not only saw him raking in the readies to a tune of two-and-a-half grand (£1,502), but also surpassing the previous world record of 61.5 (or maybe 611) set, we're pretty darn sure, by Tim 'Eater X' Janus back in July 2012 at the World Pulled Pork Eating Championship in Carroll, Ohio.

Moreover, Jaws' second consecutive victory of the 2014 MLE season also witnessed him knocking the MLE number two ranked gurgitator, fellow San Jose-based engobulator extraordinaire Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie, into second place after he had wolfed down 55 of the things in the same allotted time.

However, the very next day (29/3/14), Megatoad rose up renewed and triumphant, turning the tables on Jaws at the Throw Down's second championship chowdown, the Creek Indian Taco Eating Contest, bellifying 32.5 half-pound (227 g) chickeny fry bread buggers in 8 minutes to Jaws' silver-scooping tummy tally of 28.5.

Moreover, while pocketing exactly the same amount of wedge that Jaws had bunged in the bank the previous day, Megatoad also succeeded in setting a brand new world record by absolutely weeing all over the 20.5 Eater X boshed to win the inaugural bash the previous year.

Exactly what Eater X, the MLE number three, who placed third and fith, repectively, thought of all this remains unclear.

However, one thing is certain.

There's no bloody way I'm going to give you the full results and prizes again, nor explain what a Creek Indian taco is, because I've already done that here and here.

Instead, I'm going to hand you over to a man who, unlike us, ensconced here inside the Hollow Earth, witnessed the slavering slaughter first hand from the very stage itself.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding for the contests' compere beyond compare, MLE emcee and total flippin' hero, the one and only Mr Sam Barclay!


UNIQUE EVENT
"The two-day Throw Down at Wind Creek is unique on the MLE calendar in that it tests the best eaters in the world with back-to-back contests over two days," he exclusively emailifies the Rake & Herald.

But that's not all because Creek Indian tacos (go on, here's a picture) "are only available at the Wind Creek Hotel & Casino".

"They are not even available on the internet – not even Amazon.com or Zappos.com has them," Sam asserts.

"This, of course, gives eaters who have faced them before an edge; Eater X, Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco and Matthew Raible had all eaten them in 2013."

"But the results speak for themselves: Matthew Stonie and Joey Chestnut both lodged big totals in this discipline despite never having seen one in the flesh before game time."

"Maybe they saw them in their dreams."

"Who can say?"

And on the subject of Megatoad and Jaws, Sam is quick to point out (assuming he types fast) that so far this year the two goliaths of the gob and gut "have faced each other three times in sanctioned MLE competition".

"In those three events – chili, pulled pork sliders, Creek Indian tacos – new world records have been set," he continues.

"It's Chestnut with the edge, 2-1 in the victories-to-not-victories column."

"They are one and two in the world for a reason."

"No eater pushes the Great One harder at the table than the Megatoad."

"This season will witness epic battles between them."

And while we don't have a crystal ball here at the Rake & Herald thanks to booze editor Dr Miltov Lamprey (struck off) hocking it to buy plonk and a packet of crisps, we're very much inclined to believe him.

But what say Megatoad of his most recent bouche battles?


megatoad
Looking for another taco: A post-match Megatoad. © MLE


CHERRY ON THE TOP
"I never expect to win but I was feeling good [on Saturday] and knew it'd be possible," he exclusively facebookulates the Rake & Herald.

"Honestly, the record was the cherry on top for me, but it felt good."

As for the pork sliders, Megatoad states: "I was pleased with 55, but I still like to win."

"I lost a wager on that."

"The Creek Indian taco contest was a lot more head-to-head as Joey and I were stationed next to each other, unlike Friday."

"We knew where each other was the whole time and I just managed to stay ahead."

"The sliders were easier on the mouth but dryer with the bread, whereas the tacos were crunchy and harder to break down but easier to swallow with all the toppings."

But which did his palate prefer?

"Tacos tasted better in my opinion," he says.

So there.

Now you know.

Giving the Throw Down a resounding thumbs up, he reports that "the stage was huge, the crowd into it and, of course, the sponsor was great with providing food and drink, etc".

"I think I performed very well," he says.

"Both days I felt extremely good going into the contests and the results showed."

Yeah, they kinda did, didn't they?


COSMIC TOP SECRET
But as anyone who has read our initial reports on these two clock-based consumption contests will know, Jaws, Megatoad, Eater X, Cardboard Shell and Matthew Raible were most definitely not the only gallant gurgitators who gave it their all in a bid to grab glory and gold last weekend.

Oh no siree, Bob.

In fact, the two munching matches saw a total of 12 fearless food fighters mounting the stage at one point or another, including Jason Cook and Chef Sarah Horowitz, although whether they were responsible for preparing the vast amounts of food that got scoffed, as their names might suggest, remains highly classified information, restricted solely to people with a Cosmic Top Secret clearance or above, such as my mate Jedd, who lives in a shed down Gover, and he's "not saying".

What we can reveal without incurring the wrath of the military top brass or senior spooks alike, though, is that Miki Sudo, the MLE number four, who finished fifth in sliders and third in Indian Creek tacos with respective gut counts of 28.5 and 18.5, wasn't just up against a tonne of grub last week; she was also suffering from a seriously inflamed food pipe, not something you want if you're trying to eat competitively.

"My throat was completely swollen over Throw Down weekend," she exclusively facebookerises the Rake & Herald.

"I'm not proud of my placing at sliders and I barely squeaked by with third at Indian Creek tacos, but I did my best, given that I was sick."

"I also hadn't been home in almost a month, so it was tough being away from my regular routine."

"Oh well, I won't be discouraged by a poor performance or two but it was a reminder to start taking care of myself again."

"I got off to a rocky start this season but I'm confident that I'll do better at ice cream," Miki says, referring to her upcoming appearance at the Magnify Credit Union World Ice Cream Eating Championship in Florida this coming April 12.

So what about these mysterious Creek Indian tacos then?

Did she get a chance to try one prior to the chowdown?

Miki answers in the affirmative.

"After falling flat on my face at sliders, I decided to order a taco just to see what I'd be working with."

"Honestly, it didn't help because the contest tacos were different in composition and texture but it was delicious as a late-night snack."

But what was it like doing her first back-to-back contest?

When it came to taking on the tacos, was she still full of sliders?

"No," she says.

"Because of my throat, I wasn't able to eat sliders fast enough to get full."

"I guess it left me in a favourable position for Day Two."

"I feel like I did everything I could to compete prepared but life throws you curve balls."

"I had been under the weather all week but I gave it my best and I'm glad I attended and competed because I had a great time."

"The people at Wind Creek were extremely hospitable, the crowd was awesome and it was great seeing everyone."

"Both [foods] were delicious but I had a slider right off the smoker after the contest and it was amazing."

"The bread was soft; the meat was juicy and perfectly seasoned."

"I could eat those any time."

And based on that description, so could we, ma'am.


sudo and shell
Fearless females: Miki (left) and Carboard Shell (right). © MLE


QUEEN OF THE UPSETS
People with a keen eye for the stats would have been hard pushed not to notice that last year's Indian Creek taco cramming contest saw Cardboard Shell, the MLE number nine, becoming the first female in the history of the sport, the planet and indeed the Multiverse to outgob the Rake & Herald's all-time favourite alimentary athlete, the wonderful, the fantastic, the fantastically wonderful Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas.

Admittedly, the Earth may have gone for a jog around the Sun since then but that certainly didn't stop Cardboard Shell from setting the cat amongst the pigeons once again this year, placing fourth with 17 Indian Creek tacos down her craw and in so doing pushing erstwhile reigning champ Eater X into fifth with 16 and Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan, the MLE number seven, into sixth with 15.5.

"Michelle Lesco has leaped into the elite eater category with ease and comfort," Sam says of the woman who this past December rocketed up the rankings from 14th after a pretty fantastic season in which, among many other things, she pounded Jaws into bronze at Ribmania in June.

And for those of you new to the greatest sport imaginable, Jaws doesn't come third very often.

In fact, he doesn't place below first very often.

Not that any of this fazes Cardboard Shell.

"She is not daunted by the Chestnuts, the Xs, the Stonies, the Sudos, the Thomases, the Morgans, the Lees, the Osthoffs, the Denmarks, the Bookers, the Subichs and so on," Sam states.

"We do not know if the improvements in her performances stem from the mental or physical."

"Perhaps it's been an emotional breakthrough."

"A clarity of heart can free up stomach space."

And no doubt it can but what does the lady in question have to say on the matter?

Eh?

Eh?


FIERCE COMPETITION
"The Throw Down at Wind Creek is an awesome event," Cardboard Shell tells the Rake & Herald in yet another intergalactically exclusive converfacebookisationalism.

"Because it's a back-to-back contest, it drew out a lot of the top eaters."

"That made it a fierce competition but also gave us a chance to catch up with each other, since it's been about six months since most of us have been in the same room."

"The event itself goes all day and night (with beer, bourbon, bands and BBQ in addition to being part of the Wind Creek Casino) so we interacted with the crowd and event staff a lot over the two days."

"Everyone there was super friendly and excited about the contests."

"I even had some people recognise me from the year before and come up to talk about it and wish me luck."

"Just a fun event all around," she says.

Fun though it may have been, the digestional jousting differed from the 2013 tooth tournament in that a) it had a new name (having last year been dubbed Foodabluza) and b) the initial engorgement engagement this year consisted of sliders not oysters.

So, as one of only three returnees, how would Cardboard Shell compare these three different disciplines?

"Oysters," she replies, "were easy to follow because it's hard to hit capacity with a food that small, liquidless and technical."

"So we left the table more full this year for sure."

"Still, the tacos were a tough food to eat – the fry bread was crunchy and hard, so I think the numbers reflected the eaters' abilities to adapt to that."

"Not sure if capacity got to play much of a role," she adds, reveaing that she too will be competing in the forthcoming Florida ice cream clash as well as the National Sweet Corn Eating Championship in the very same Sunshine State 15 days later.

And we certainly wish her well with both.

But from masters of the gab and the gob, it is now my contractual obligation to hand the mic over to my flatulent fat fiancé, Rake & Herald fashion editor, foul-mouthed London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok 'Bloody' Wang, who hasn't really done much since spouting off about meggings after being kindly alerted to their existence by Wing Bowl XXII winner Molly Schuyler back in flippin' February.

Seriously, Kok, what the f--k have you been doing and have you sorted out the bloody wedding arrangements yet?


KOK SHOCKER
Shut it, Sand, you lump o' dried dog sperm.

Anyway, you can fackin' talk.

You were meant to do a full write-up o' the Second RP Funding World Chili Eating Challenge an' you never did, did ya?

You malodorous fackin' mandrill turd.

[Oh, yeah. Shit, I forgot about that.]

Yeah, I know you bloody did.

There were all those top alimentary athletes sitting by their interwebs waitin' fer you to 'assle 'em with yer half-baked fackin' questions an' you never bloody did 'em the fackin' courtesy, you cant.

Some of 'em probably still 'aven't left the 'ouse 'cos they're still waitin' fer your fackin' poxy questions to arrive so you'd better fackin' apologise to 'em right this bleedin' minute and, o' course, to all our cherished and beloved readers that you 'aven't jus' let down big time but oo you've comletely fackin' betrayed by your fackin' unforgivable dereliction o' duty, you soppy great fackin' cow.

'Onestly, I've got a good mind to dump yer and call the 'ole bleedin' weddin' off.

You make me sick.

[Sorry, everybody. It wasn't my fault. I thought I saw somebody being killed by an eagle and then Colin Leggo made some well funny films and then]

An' then an' then an' then.

Save it fer the tribunal, woman.

Eternal editor AC89 says ee's well pissed off with you an' wants to smack yer head in with a monkey wrench, an' I don't blame 'im.

An' as fer Rakey, 'ee says 'ees gonna cut yer fackin' ears off with a circular saw unless I kick you in the mooey with me steelies on.

So take this, you mare!

[Ow! That bloody hurt!]

I know and so will this.

[Aaarrrgggh! For f--k's sake, Kok! I said I'm sorry. Now can you please stop kicking me in the fucking fanny and get on with your ill-informed analysis, please?]

No.

[Why not?]

'Cos I'm on strike.

[On strike?]

Yeah.

Industrial action.

[What for?]

I dunno.

I just don't feel like doin' any work today.

[Oh, fair enough.]

Mind you, I do jus' wanna say 'ats off to all the eaters, feeders, organisers, spectators and anyone oo in any way 'ad anythin' to do the wi' the runnin' or sponsorin' o' the Throw Down.

I also wanna offer our sincere and monsterly massive thanks to Sam, Megatoad, Miki an' Cardboard Shell for their exclusive quotes while also wishing Miki a full an' speedy recovery gizzard-wise.

Many, many thanks indeed to the lot o' ya.

Your 'elp is much appreciated an' we wish you all the very best fer all yer upcoming events.

[Hang on, that's my job to do all the thanking and the like.]

Was, Sand, was.

Didn't they tell ya?

You're sacked.

Fired.

Redundant.

Laid-off.

Superfluous to requirements.

A dead weight we can't be arsed to carry no more.

[What? I'm sacked? Just like that?]

Yeah, unless, o' course, you post up a video o' the chili eatin' you neglected to write a full fackin' report abaht an' embed it 'ere on the Rake & Herald from the food-fightin'-filled YouTube channel of the fan-flippin'-tastic Megatoad, which you can check out 'ere.

An' then, when you've done that, ya gotta embed another one from the same source of 'im cookin' and eatin' the biggest French fry in the world, jus' to try an' make thin's right wi' the readers, kapeesh?

Good.

Now get on with it, you slag!


MEGATOAD TV
Tosser.

Anyway, as we can't as yet find any footage of the Throw Down itself (and I need to keep this job for some unfathomable reason), here's the said chili eating followed by a bloody big French fry.

Sorry, all, for not writing a chili report but it really wasn't my fault.

Seriously, this eagle killed someone.

I couldn't believe it.

Bloody huge it was.

A bit like Megatoad's French fry, come to think of it.







Right, gotta go.

Gotta sort out my wedding dress.

Honestly, I'm so excited.


See also Jaws slides past sliders record, posted 29/3/14; Megatoad turns the tables in tacos, posted 30/3/14; and Jaws spoons through Brown Ceiling, posted 9/2/14.


To fully understand why Sandi and Kok are getting married, make sure you read Twinkies and brats, posted 1/11/13. Meanwhile, to learn more about the Hollow Earth, have a read of this.


Sandi Toxic
was raised by wolves inside a disused clay pit near Lanjeth. You can befriend her on FaceBook here. She is still quite feral.


Footnote

1) MLE says the previous world record was 61 but Eat Feats, if we've got the right contest, of course, says 61.5. Hmm. Answers on a postcard, please.




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