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Four in a row for Black Widow

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted April 14, 2013
sonya thomas wins crawfish
Crawfish queen: The Black Widow wins again. © Rouses Markets

Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas retains crawfish queen crown while Yasir 'the Doggy Bag' Salem and Mary 'I Like 'Em Hot!' Bowers secure Nathan's seats.

Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas, known throughout the Multiverse as the Rake & Herald's all-time favourite alimentary athlete, has once more proven exactly why we think, no scrub that, know without a shadow of a doubt that she is absolutely fan-bloody-tastic by once again winning the Rouses Crawfish Eating World Championship at the The French Quarter Festival in New Orleans, Louisiana yesterday (13/4/13).

Making it her fourth straight title win on the trot, the 5' 5" (1.65 m) 100 lb (45.4 kg) mega masticator wasted no time in cramming 2.2 lbs of crawfish down her craw in 10 minutes flat to land eternal glory, $1,000 (£652), a trophy thing and, more importantly, the hearts, minds and souls of the entire animal, vegetable and mineral kingdoms.

Plus I won a two quid bet with Rake & Herald booze editor and total soak Dr Miltov Lamprey (struck off), who was so out of it on cooking sherry that quite frankly he didn't have a clue what he was shaking on.


Two quid!

Mine all mine all mine all mine!


But it's not just yours truly and the Black Widow who are in the money because local lad Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan also picked up $500 yesterday for coming a close second behind the superlatively superb Black Widow by slamming 2 lbs of boiled crustacean down his cakehole.

Meanwhile, 'Nasty' Nathan Biller upped his showing from fifth place last year to bag bronze and brass worth $300 with an end-of-gobathon gut count of 1.9 lbs.

Exactly who picked up the $200 fourth prize, however, remains to this day a closely guarded secret known only unto a select few as Major League Eating (MLE), which sanctioned the all-you-can-eat engorgement gala, has yet, at time of writing, to announce the full results.

What's more, as we don't even have a list of the Louisiana line-up (although we're pretty sure it included Rake & Herald culture editor DJ NRG Raver's favourite gurgitator and last year's silver medalist Crazy Legs Conti (CLC)), we can't even hazard a guess as to who the golden-gobbed gurgitator might have been, although mark my words: whoever it was will have at least one head.

Maybe two.

Seriously, I just know these things.

But that's not all I know.

I also know that Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie, self-appointed competitive eating pundit and total gobshite Kok Wang still hasn't fully recovered from that toxic tree bark laxative I fed him the other week because his huge sweating mass is right now sitting disconcertingly close to mine, clothed in nothing but his big rubber nappy, or diaper as they call them in the States, while he chugs back endless Scotch and farts like a trooper with a belly full of beans.

And trust me, it stinks.

Although not as much as his mindless trademark commentary and analysis, which I am now begrudgingly obliged to force upon you as a condition of my parole.

Kok, you giant anal intrusion, dazzle us with your ill-informed arse blabber do, you sodding great turkey feltcher.

Thank you, Sandi, but don't expect an insult from me 'cos I'm far too happy that the Black Widow won.

In fact, I'd just like to say how pretty you're looking today.

In that full body cast of yours.

It suits yer.

You should wear it when they shove you in a coffin, you sour-faced harpy cow.

And hats off to Nasty Nate, the Rabbit and, of course, the totally fantastic Black Widow.

Admittedly, in the world of professional speed scoffing 2.2 lbs in 10 minutes might not sound like much and certainly at first glance it pales in comparison to, say, the 18.5 lbs of grits she rammed down her gob in the same time at the Louisiana Downs World Grits Eating Championship back in 2007, an event ultimately won by Patrick 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti with a belly-bursting 21 lbs of the stuff, whatever it is.

Anyway, what you gotta remember, right, is the rules for this particular tickle demand that all the eat-letes first have to peel the shell of the individual crawfish before they can stick the meat in their gobs.

This ain't chili slurpin' with a spoon, Sand.

This is well fiddly finger food of the 'ighest order.

'Scuse me, just belched.

Consequently, rather than being a pure capacity event, crawfish crammin', which MLE calls "one of the most demanding disciplines" in the sport, places a bollockload of emphasis on hand speed.

And let's face it, when it comes to that, no one touches the Black Widow, who states on her website that she is "perhaps best in various forms of seafood", such as lobsters and the like, precisely "because of [her] quick hands".

Course, crawfish, or crayfish to us Brits, ain't technically seafood 'cos they're actually freshwater f--kers, but that's just pube-splitting.

Mind you, one thing that's well bloody apparent if you have a shuffty round the excellent Eat Feats database is that this year's gut counts were well down on the previous ones.

Take last year's Rouses bash, for instance.

The Black Widow won that with 3.25 lbs down her Billy, which is roughly 32.307692307692% more than she ate yesterday.

Now, I can't be arsed to work out all the percentages 'cos I knackered the bloody calculator when I dropped it down the khazi, but suffice it to say that last year CLC came second with 2.8 lbs ahead of the Rabbit on 2.45 lbs.

All things being equal, both those totals would've won gold this year.

Then, the year before that, which was 2011 or something, both the Black Widow and the Rabbit tied for first with 3.25 lbs before the Black Widow won in overtime.

But the real monster's the 2010 result, when the Black Widow claimed her crown with a walloping great 6.5 lbs ahead of Nick Bauer's 4.5.

In fact, the only one of this year's top three to top their 2012 totals was Nasty Nate, who increased his showing from 1.65 lbs to 1.9 lbs.

So what are you meant to make of all that, Sand?

Was it something to do with the eaters or the food?



Or was it perhaps something else, like space monkeys or aliens?

Who knows?

But I'll tell you what, this Scotch Lamprey twocked from that offie's going down a right treat.

You're almost looking attractive.

Go on, gi's a kiss.

Sorry, Kok, my mum told me never to kiss a man in a rubber nappy, especially one with all bum gravy dribbling down his legs.

Although, slip us a fiver and I might change my mind.


And stop rubbing your chest on my cast.

The sweat's beginning to stain it.

Anyway, here are the results as they currently stand based on the MLE Twitter feed:

1) Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas (2.2 lbs of boiled crawfish; $1,000);

2) Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan (2 lbs; $500);

3) 'Nasty' Nathan Biller (1.9 lbs; $300).

(TABLE UPDATE 22/4/13)

4) Corey Fanguy (1.8 lbs; $200); and

5) Crazy Legs Conti (To Be Announced).

Naturally, you can expect an update once we know the full results, providing we're still vaguely sober and I haven't slit Kok's throat with a paper knife.

In the meantime, though, double congratulations to the Black Widow are in order because yesterday's crawfish crown retention wasn't the only victory she's pulled off lately.

On Thursday (11/4/13), she also deftly despatched 140 chicken wings in 10 minutes at the Hooters World Wing-Eating Championship qualifier in Atlanta, Georgia to grab gold, $500 and a ticket to the main event in Clearwater, Florida this coming July (date to be announced, we believe).

Furthermore, she also equalled the number she ate at last's year's qualifier in the same city as well as the amount current Hooter's chicken wing champ Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut scarfed at the first qualifier in Panama City Beach this past Easter Saturday (30/3/13).

Sounds like she's sending out shots to Jaws already, if you ask me.

And remember, she loves her chicken wings, does the Black Widow.

Anyway, another longstanding Rake & Herald favourite, rap sensation Eric 'Badlands' Booker, is also off to the Florida final with 300 readies to boot, having placed second with 104 appendages scoffed.

At the same time, Damien Boykin, who won $200 for coming fourth in last year's Rouses World Crawfish Eating Championship, walked away from the Atlanta stage with another $200 and a shot at the Hooter's crown for forcing 88 fowl flappers down his throat.

On a slightly sadder note, this particular qualifier also saw Bryan 'Big Sexy' Beard announcing his retirement from the sport after eating 76 for fourth.

Big Sexy, we salute you and wish you all the very best in your future endeavours outside the gurgitatory arena.

Thank you for your alimentary efforts.

They are much appreciated.

And now, to make up for our rather scant crawfish table, here are the full (we're pretty sure) Atlanta results, once more based on the MLE Twitter feed:

1) Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas (140 wings; $500; Seat, Hooters World Wing-Eating Championship);

2) Eric 'Badlands' Booker (104; $300; Seat, Hooters World Wing-Eating Championship);

3) Damien Boykin (88; $200; Seat, Hooters World Wing-Eating Championship);

4) Bryan 'Big Sexy' Beard (76);

5) Jason Cook (72);

6) Don Potts (70 (up from 66 in the first qualifier));

7) Cpt Moseley (64);

8) Dennis Briantico (52);

9) Bill Weil (44); and

10) Matt Rowell (28).

As a result of the above, the emerging line-up for the final wing fighting frenzy now consists of the Black Widow; Badlands; Damien Boykin; Jaws; Neil Sebree; and Jon 'Bastos' Bello.

If we've got our facts straight, another six gormandisers will join the throng once two further qualifiers have been settled in Terrell, Texas (11/5/13) and Las Vegas, Nevada (26/6/13).

Top stuff all round.

doggy bag and i like em hot through to nathan's
Next stop Coney Island: I Like 'Em Hot! and the Doggy Bag yesterday. © MLE

But Thursday's chicken wing wing-ding certainly wasn't the only key contest qualifier conducted within the past few days.

Oh no siree, Bob, for yesterday also saw Miami playing host to the third round of heats for the Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, Noi Yoik.

After a tense 10-minute mouth-off, ultimate honours ultimately fell to Rake & Herald-reading triathlete and all-round top bloke and superstar Yasir 'the Doggy Bag' Salem, who successfully shoved 26 hotdogs and buns (HDBs) down his north and south to see off a concerted effort from Brian 'Dud Light' Dudzinski, who finished second with 23 HDBs in his belly at the bell.

As such, while Dud Light will have to wait and see whether he lands a possible wild card placement, the Doggy Bag is now assured a seat at the men's table alongside six-time reigning dog destroyer and world record holder Jaws, Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt and Pete 'Pretty Boy' Davekos.

"I'm very happy to be back at Nathan's," the Doggy Bag exclusively twitterises the Rake & Herald.

"It's the Super Bowl (or World Cup for our friends across the Pond) of competitive eating."

Describing yesterday's proceedings as being a "great day" and remaining a true gent to the very end, Doggy Bag also paid tribute to his main alimentary adversary.

"Dud Light was right on my tail," he tweets.

"I expect to see him [achieve] another great number this season."

"He's a force!"

And indeed, Doggy Bag, we think you're right.

Top chomping, sir!

Meanwhile, the Florida sun also shone brightly on another esteemed fan of the Rake & Herald, Mary 'I Love 'Em Hot!' Bowers, who earned her right to rapidly ruminate alongside the Black Widow, Larell Marie 'the Real Deal' Mele and Dee 'Pi Gal' Martin at the women's wolf-off with 10.5 HDBs to her name.

Great stuff, I Like 'Em Hot!.

"I'm happy to be going back to New York," she equally exclusively and electronically informs the Rake & Herald via Twitter.

"[Yesterday's] numbers were a little short of where I had hoped, but still a personal best in contest."

"I'm looking forward to improving and delivering a good performance in Brooklyn on July 4."

And in that we certainly wish her well, just as we do everyone else who has so far qualified or has yet to qualify for the championship chowdown of chowdowns.

As was the case with the previous two qualifiers, we don't have everybody's full names so please bear with us.

Here's what we do know, though, based again on the MLE Twitter feed:

1) Yasir 'the Doggy Bag' Salem (26 HDBs; Men's Seat, Coney Island, July 4);

2) Brian 'Dud Light' Dudzinski (23);

3 Mike Katz (17.5);

4) Juan 'Cracker' Angel (13.5);

5) Mary 'I Love 'Em Hot!' Bowers (10.5; Women's Seat, Coney Island, July 4);

6) Mario (10);

7) Mr Milk (8.5);

8) Mike P (8);

9) Gabriel (5); and

10) Jon Lim (3).

Big cheers and respect to all who did battle yesterday and on Thursday regardless of which contest they competed in or how they fared.

Give yourselves a big pat on the back and have a well deserved cup of splosh.

Major thanks too to the Doggy Bag and I Like 'Em Hot! for their exclusive quotes.

Remember, when you take up you dogs on the big day, the Rake & Herald will be right behind you.

Admittedly about 3,000 miles (4,828 km) behind you but nonetheless up there on the stage in spirit.

Right, gotta go.

Kok's just drawn a love heart on my body cast.

Not to mention a jizzing John Thomas and the words: "I luv u, Toxik. Let's get marryed."

Well, if he thinks I'm going to poison another wife for him, he can think again.

He still hasn't paid me for the last two.


We have just received a tweet from MLE exclusively informing the Rake & Herald that "it turns out Crazy Legs was there and placed fifth".

Thanks, MLE.

Further details awaited.


While we don't as yet have any footage of the above chowdowns to share with you, here's a pre-qualifier interview I Like 'Em Hot! did with Local 10, which we guess is a local TV station in Miami.

Nice hat, by the way.


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According the Eat Feats, Corey Fanguy has announced that he placed fourth with a gut count of 1.8 lbs.

Furthermore, he has also now posted the following contest footage to his YouTube channel, which, oddly enough, is from where we've embedded it.

Cheers, Corey, and well done with the crawfish cramming!

To understand why Sandi's in a full body cast while simultaneously reading up on the previous Nathan's and Hooters qualifiers, check out Cold wars Jaws, posted 10/4/13. Meanwhile, if you're an MLE fan, make sure you read our exclusive interview with Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie here.

Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that Facebook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.

(CLC and TV interview updates 15/4/13; Corey Fanguy result and vid update 22/4/13)

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