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Dromore Destroyer keeps his crown

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted October 11, 2013
hillsborough oyster winners
Ulster oyster eaters: Megatoad, the Dromore Destroyer and Notorious B.O.B. © Ignatius Rake

Ulster oyster eating champ thwarts Megatoad and Notorious B.O.B.; Jaws smashes ribs record; Miki wins twice in Buffalo.

In classic Northern Irish weather, i.e. pissing it down, two of the world's greatest gurgitators took to the stage in the model Georgian village of Hillsborough, County Down this past Saturday (7/9/13) to vie for the oyster eating crown that had sat for the previous eight years like a permanent fixture on the head of local man Colin 'the Dromore Destroyer' Shirlow.

Initially bedecked in shades and his trademark 48-carat gold wooden 'Bob Bling' necklace, Philadelphia's Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt, who is most definitely not an off-stage vegetarian, took up position to the Dromore Destroyer's right.

Meanwhile, sporting a T-shirt adorned with the visage of Patrick 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti beneath his contest apron, San Jose's Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie, his youthful looks belying the fire in his soul, readied himself on the reigning champ's left.

A classic pincer formation.

But would these North American buccaneers of the belly sail away to distant shores with their coveted booty?

Or would they perhaps take a plane instead?

Only time would tell.

And as the rain finally receded, charmed into submission no doubt by the animal-headed folk band that had played just moments before, a hush befell the crowd of somewhere between 500 and 237m onlookers.

No one, nothing, not even a leaf on a tree nor a mouse in a pantry, dared stir, for all and everything present within a radius of 4,000 miles (6,437.4 km) on that momentous day of mandible manipulation knew something monumental was about to happen; history was about to be made, history forged in the flames of a battle royal beyond all human imagination.



A scrap down the kebab shop after chucking-out time.

Nothing could ever come even vaguely close to the enormity of the ferocious attack that was about to be unleashed by these three mighty masticatory musketeers upon a huge great pile of oysters.


Lots of bloody oysters.

Because this day of reckoning, this day of judgement, this day of alimentary atonement was none other than the 2013 World Oyster Eating Championship, itself part of the wider Hillsborough International Oyster Festival, this year raising money for two very worthwhile cancer charities.

But at the end of that day only one of these three gourmandising goliaths could possibly come out on top.

Unless, of course, there was some kind of tie or something.

In which case, maybe all three would come out on top.

Who knows?

Anyway, as the tension mounted and the assembled hordes gnawed their nails to the nub, the rules of engagement were read aloud by event organiser Sean Hall.

The clock was readied.

Oesophageal swords were sharpened.

The hushed crowd went even quieter.

Crouching before their bivalves like hidden tigers, or dragons, or whatever that film was called, these three formidable food-fighting foes raised their hands behind their heads as laid down in the ancient code of combat.

And then suddenly the bugle sounded and the Battle of Hillsborough had begun.

And lo!

What utter carnage!

Tray after tray after tray of shucked shellfish falling to the champing chompers of these champion chompers.

Filter-feeding molluscs be damned!

Neither their shells nor their funny salty fishy taste could fend off the relentless onslaught rained down upon them like a million meteorites smashing into a greenhouse.

Three minutes of slurping!

Three minutes of frenzy!

Man v man v man v mollusc.

Three minutes of the food chain asserting its rightful hierarchy.

One hundred and eighty seconds.

One hundred and eighty billion nanoseconds.

Not enough time to boil an egg, nor indeed fertilise one, yet still those three minutes will reverberate around the cosmos for eternity.

And when all was done and dusted, it was the Drumore Destroyer who, for the ninth year running, was to walk away with the trophy, a stonking great bottle of Pol Roger champagne and, more importantly, his crown jewels fully intact.

Admittedly, his oysterisationalism of 212 was a tad down on the 233 he scoffed last year, when he equalled his 2005 world record to keep the Rake & Herald's all-time favourite alimentary athlete, the wonderful, the fantastic, the one and only Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas at bay, but still it proved more than sufficient to see off this latest trans-Atlantic challenge.

And of those challengers, Megatoad did duly scoff 203 to pick up a magnum of champagne while Notorious B.O.B. dispatched 174 to land a slightly smaller bottle of bubbly1.

"I feel I could do two lengths of the swimming pool," the Dromore Destroyer told the delirious crowd on finishing.

"My head was down and all I saw was the oysters coming at me and all I heard was the 10, nine, eight, seven, six..."

"I don't know where those three minutes go."

"It's so quick."

"Especially when you're enjoying yourself."

megatoad and notorious bob in Hillsborough
They came, they saw, they ate: The gallant American challengers. © Ignatius Rake

"It was intense," a post-match Megatoad, who, like Notorious B.O.B., had never before competed in an oyster championship, exclusively tells the Rake & Herald via his mouth and that Rake bloke's ears.

"It was interesting because I'm not used to contests so short so it felt like it went really fast."

"It was crazy."

"I knew I was right there with [the Dromore Destroyer] the whole time."

"I knew that he was ahead of me at the beginning and I just tried to pick it up."

"I felt myself get into a rhythm but obviously I was just a few shy."

But what did the Mega of Toads make of the oysters and how did they stack up compared to, say, hot dogs?

"It doesn't really taste like food because it's more like eating seawater, just with something in it," he says.

"It's weird."

"It's more of a technical food so it's not constantly eating and I don't have my drink that I'm drinking so it's a completely different type of contest for me but it's very interesting."

"I'm glad we came out here and I'm glad to have experienced an oyster contest for once."

"I was really afraid the taste was going to get to me but it was that damn adrenalin."

"It kicked in and you just don't realise it, so I wasn't getting gaggy or anything up there."

"I was just focussing on getting them down."

Another difference, of course, was that at no point did the gobathon question his cavernous capacity.

After all, this is a man who, among other things this year, has shoved 51 Nathan's hot dogs, 9.5 lbs (4.3 kg) of deep-fried asparagus, 31 slugburgers and a whopping 268 gyoza down his gob in 10-minute competition, although not all at the same time, mind.

That would just be mental.

"This is only three minutes."

"Usually I start hitting the wall around eight," Megatoad reveals.

"I feel great right now," he continues.

"I'm not used to feeling this good."

So how about that magnum of champagne?

Down in one or what?

"That's my next YouTube video," he smiles, giving a shout out to living legend Eric 'Badlands' Booker.

Of course, a bottle of fizzy pop that big, if swigged in one, could likely induce a large liberation of gas from his gastric tract, so is Megatoad also harbouring hopes of beating Tim 'Eater X' Janus' world belching record of 18.1 seconds?

No, it seems.

"When I let out a burp it all comes out real fast," he says.

"Loud and strong."

Eater X, your record is safe.

"I'm really disappointed," Notorious B.O.B. tells the Rake & Herald on an equally exclusively basis after having that Rake bloke's voice recorder shoved in his face.

"Right now I would love to do another three-minute contest and I think the outcome would be different for me."

"My number would be a lot higher."

"And it's not even like I ate anything right now."

"Obviously, I ate less than they did but it's such a small volume for American competitors."

"I could do another [three-minute contest] and it wouldn't effect me that I ate 174 the first time."

"Matt and I have such a such a huge capacity we could do probably a 12-, 15-minute contest before it even effected us."

"Now, I don't know about Colin [but] I would assume he has less capacity than we do because he doesn't do eating contests outside this."

"So we would have an advantage over him but that said, that's not the contest."

"There's no excuse here."

"It's a three-minute contest."

"I knew coming in it was a three-minute contest and I got beat today and it's on me."

"It's not on anybody else."

"I got beat."

"We all knew the rules and the outcome is the outcome."

"I earned third but I earned it and they earned second and first so I'm proud of them."

"I didn't give it to them."

"I did my best."

"It was a good, fun contest," he says, concurring with Megatoad that it was also one that was "all technique" and "a hard technique" at that.

"I just had an issue that [the oysters] were so clean in the shell."

"I was using a suck method and when I would clear my mouth it would just rocket [in], like I'd fired it out of a gun to the back of my throat."

"I had to adapt as the contest went on and obviously the things I changed weren't enough to get me to the title but I'm glad to be here and I feel I'll be much better prepared for next time."

But given that Notorious B.O.B. had only tasted his first oyster two days prior to the chowdown, 174 in three minutes has got to be seen as pretty laudable, right?

"Nah," he says.

"I get paid to eat so it doesn't matter what it is."

"There's no excuse."

Well, we here at the Rake & Herald still think he's a bloody hero.

In fact, we'll be running a full interview with Notorious B.O.B. in a few days or so.

Once we've finally posted up a few other things, including an interview with Ronnie 'Mega Byte' Hartman that we should have run absolutely sodding ages ago.

Sorry, Mega Byte.

It's nothing personal.

We're just bloody slack.

Plus, as regular readers of our award-worthy if sometimes belated competitive eating coverage should be well aware, things have been a soupçon hectic for us of late, what with all those poltergeists, kidnappings, armed sieges and alien abductions and the like.

Fortunately, though, as you've probably sussed by now, the coven of Cornish witches that were going to burn Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok Wang and myself in a giant wicker man as part of an ancient fertility rite/bit of a giggle changed their minds when it turned out their head witch Cozza and I used to go necromancing down the woods together as kids.

Hey, that's Cornwall for you.

Not much else to do, see.

Anyway, now that we've been spared from being burnt to a cinder, you're probably expecting me to begrudgingly hand over the mic to Kok as stipulated in my completely illegal contract.

Well, breathe a big sigh of relief because that simply is not going to happen as that despicable turd has now had his throat ripped out by the Beast of Bodmin, a cryptozoological big cat that's been rampaging round the Cornish countryside for years.

I know.

It's great, isn't?

I couldn't stop cackling when it pounced on him from behind a standing stone.

Sadly, it then tried to rip my face off as well, which is why we're now both hiding from it down the bottom of a disused tin mine.

And also, of course, why Kok, whose head by the way is still on back-to-front after that botched bit of extraterrestrial surgery t'other day, has temporarily lost his voice while he waits for the healing powers of those magical pasties Cozza gave us to kick in.

Anyway, while he remains unable to speak, here are the results based on what that Rake bloke scrawled down on a bit of paper.

1) Colin 'the Dromore Destroyer' Shirlow (212 oysters in three minutes; a trophy, a magnum of champagne and eternal glory);

2) Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie (203; a magnum of champagne); and

3) Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt (174; a slightly smaller bottle of champagne).

Meanwhile, in the amateur competition that preceded the main event, Richard Gamble took top gong after consuming 30 oysters in 23 seconds, narrowly beating David Allen, with whom he had initially tied before it was discovered that a couple of bivalves had gotten lost beneath all the empty shells on his tray.

David, who ate 30 in 22 seconds during Thursday's heats, though, didn't seem too downhearted when that Rake bloke accosted him outside the Plough, the Hillsborough pub where the Dromore Destroyer first discovered his talent for oyster slurping back in 2005.

"I'll be back next year with a vengeance," he exclusive informs the Rake & Herald via means of analogue verbal communication.

"You get a free pint of Guinness!"

But oysters aren't the only pabulum MLE's pantheon of professional pabulum pummellers have been professionally pummelling since we found ourselves in my native Cornwall after being sold to those witches by a bunch of intergalactic pirates.

Oh no indeedy, because this past August 28, just about the time Kok was getting his larynx gouged out by a phantom feline, Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut was busy setting a massive new rib scoffing record over in Sparks, Nevada at the Eighth Annual John Ascuaga's Nugget World Rib Eating Championship.

And when I say massive, I mean MASSIVE.

Prior to this year's 12-minute all-you-can-eat gobathon, the record stood at a pretty darn healthy 9.8 lbs.

Then Jaws sidled up to the stage and promptly rammed 13.76 lbs of the things down his craw.


Or 6.2 kg if you prefer.

Either way, that doesn't just work out at an increase of more than 40.4%, but, according to the ever excellent Eat Feats, it also translates into a pound-per-minute rib consumption rate (ppmrcr) of 1.146, the highest ever to date.

But more than utterly obliterating the existing rib record and pocketing $2,500 (£1,590) for his troubles, Jaws also wreaked revenge on Megatoad, who just 11 days previously had dethroned him at the Day-Lee Foods World Gyoza Eating Championship in LA, CA, USA.

But was it really a grudge match?

Who can say?

Mind you, when asked whether he would beat Meagtoad during a live Q&A sesh on less than five hours before the contest's gob-off, he did reply: "I'm going to [expletive] him."

But that was probably just a meaningless coincidence, although Jaws certainly seems to have stayed true to his word, whatever it was that the censors redacted.

Not that Megatoad didn't put in a sterling performance himself, taking silver and netting $1,000 for his belly bonanza of 11.2 lbs, which, while similarly running a sword through the previous record, also earned him third spot on the Eat Feat's ppmrcr table with a figure of 0.933.

At the same time and setting a new female record, Miki Sudo banked $750 for her bronze-winning engobulation of 7.1 lbs, placing her ahead of Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez, who grabbed half a grand for his tummy tally of 6.5 lbs, and Steve Hendry, who filled his boots with 4.67 lbs and his wallet with a quarter large.

Correctly describing Jaws' rib engorgement as "awesome", MLE on its website states: "It was a vintage performance of pure power eating by the Great One."

"Matthew Stonie, who would finish second, and Ms Miki Sudo, who would finish third, bolted to an early lead, moving quickly from pans one, two and three."

"But Chestnut never erred nor did he ever doubt."

"He simply ate."

"Each bite an extension of the previous one – an unrelenting march to victory, a metronomic and relentless expression of his will to dominate not only the ribs, but his fellow man and woman."

Man, MLE are great with words.

But what does Megatoad have to say for himself?

"The way I look at it is Joey beat me," he once more exclusively informs the Rake & Herald via that that Rake bloke's voice recorder after first having to field all those moronic questions about burping and stuff.

Honestly, Kok or Rake: who's the biggest tosser I have to work with here?

Anyway, Megatoad proceeds: "[Jaws] came a prepared man."

"He really showed why he's number one."

"He really committed to that contest."

"I came strong."

"I wanted to win but just like today I was really happy with my number but the contest was almost unbelievable."

"He came the better man."

But what if Jaws were to go jaw-to-jaw with Megatoad in bivalves?

What then, sir?

"I would take Joey in an oyster eating contest," he states, diplomatically choosing not to be drawn on whether or not he would also expletive him.

You hear that, Jaws?

That's fighting talk, that is.

Or is it just some sleazy gutter hack trying to put someone on the spot in a desperate attempt to fill some third-rate online scum rag with a load of sensationalist bum gravy?

Whatever it is, bloody well done on the new record!

That's well bloody impressive.

miki sudo sleeps it off
Sweet dreams: Miki takes a well-earned rest. © Miki Sudo

But while Jaws may have been the one racking up the most ribs in Sparks, just three days later it was Miki's turn to shine, turning the tables on Jaws himself when she bagged a golden grand at the Buffalo Buffet Bowl, the first of two MLE-sanctioned chowdowns convened as part of the National Buffalo Wing Festival in, er, Buffalo, Noi Yoik and which MLE describes as "a signature weekend on the MLE calendar and a two-day battle of mind over stomach".

Unlike most MLE competitions, the Buffet Bowl is a rather complicated affair, as MLE explains.

"The rules are simple," it says.

"Each eater starts with a five-pound spread of various Buffalo cuisine."

"Beef on weck."


"Chicken tenders."

"Buffaloanian excellence all round."

"First to finish wins."

And no, we haven't got a clue what 'beef on weck' is either.

A tender, however, is a kind of boat or fire engine.

Or maybe some kind of boneless chicken thing.

F--k knows, although we're more than positive that Miki scarfed the lot in 4 minutes 17 seconds, chalking up her second victory to date over Jaws, who pocketed $500 for coming second in a time that to this day remains shrouded in mystery.


Not even MLE nor Quentin Robert DeNameland knows what it was, although our guess is it was probably somewhere between Miki's 4 minutes 17 and the 9 minutes 32 it took for the Black Widow to clean her platter and win winnings worth $250 for third.

Now, it has been mooted by some that Jaws' performance was detrimentally affected by his system still processing all that rib meat.

And, let's face it, given the superhuman quantity he crammed down his craw in Sparks, such a theory shouldn't simpy be dismissed out of hand as being a load of old cobblers.

What's more, he may also have been a jiffy under the weather as the very next day he was a no-show to defend his crown at the US National Buffalo Wing Eating Championship, completely unexclusively twitterising to the world that he was suffering from a "sore throat and fever".

Then, while apologising to a rather disappointed Twitter user who had propelled himself some 32.2 km by means of a velocipede just to watch him in action, Jaws further revealed that his gizzard, while ropey on the Saturday, had by the day of the wing chobbling become so inflamed that he "couldn't swallow anything".

This, we can imagine, could make competitive eating rather difficult and thus all at the Rake & Herald hope that Jaws has now returned to rude health and if he hasn't then we hope he does so forthwith and without delay.


Oh yea.

But let me say that the fact remains that that particular weekend on the cusp of August and September 2013 without a doubt belonged to Miki, who, described by MLE chairman and emcee par excellence George Shea as "the fastest rising rookie in the sport", not only outgobbed the lot in the buffet battle, but the next day went on to win her fourth championship title since joining the League in April by taking down 6.7 lbs of wings in 12 minutes to land lolly to the tune of $1,500.

In so doing, she also spearheaded a truly historic first, leading, in MLE's words, "a sweep of [the] field by the three female eaters competing" that saw Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco taking home $750 for stuffing 4.6 lbs of formerly feathered fowl flappers down her crop and the Black Widow, a former five-times winner of the event, $300 for necking 4.32 lbs.

That's right, folks, for the first time since the birth of the Multiverse, the top three spots in a mixed-sex MLE competition went solely to women.

"Women are showing their strength and skill by leading in all sectors of our culture, from business and academics to athletics," festival founder Drew 'Wing King' Cerza is quoted as saying on the MLE website.

"It is no surprise to me," he continues, "that for the first time ever, women have swept a major on the eating circuit."

"It is another Buffalo first."

Right on, sisters!

You kick those big hairy brutes in the balls!

In fact, I'm gonna hoof Kok in the knackers right this very minute.

Mind you, I was going to that anyway.

And rabbit punch him to the neck.

But enough of me and my plans, what did the double-gold winner herself make of the two-day feeding frenzy?

"I can't speak highly enough of the Buffalo Wing Festival," Miki exclusively tells the Rake & Herald via that there Twitter jobbie.

"They put on a great event that draws people from all over the country (plus others) and it's great that we have not one but two competitions."

Regarding this year's Buffet Bowl spread, she continues: "Five pounds is on the lighter end for us, so it was like a warm-up that set the tone for the following day's wing competition."

"I guess I had the lead from the start, but I actually didn't know I was even in the running for first until the very end."

"I heard that Joey had pizza left and I looked down at my empty tray."

"I was just shocked (and relieved that I could rest for a moment)."

"It was fun to cheer everyone on once I was done."

"You hardly get to do that in regular events."

The following day, "after working up an appetite at Niagara Falls", it was time for the major mandible match.

"I'd been worried about doing back-to-back events," Miki reveals, "but the 5-lb spread was pretty much all I ate the day before so I felt ready to compete again."

"My approach for wings was entirely different than Buffet Bowl."

"In the buffet speed event, my focus was solely on my tray and clearing it as quickly as possible without a moment's break."

"For wings, I set out to establish a strong lead and get to a point where I just had to keep an eye on the competition and maintain that lead while resting."

"I feel great about the entire weekend."

"I went to have a good time and thanks to everyone who organised the event, cooked, ate, emceed and cheered, I accomplished exactly that."

"Winning was cool (and unexpected) but that was just the icing on the cake."

Fair play, ma'am.

And salutes of solidarity too to Cardboard Shell and the Black Widow.

Heck, I think I'm gonna boot Kok in the bollocks again just for you.

But while I do that, here are the results of the Sparks and Buffalo bashes based on the MLE website and Book of Face page.

Eighth Annual John Ascuaga's Nugget World Rib Eating Championship, Sparks, Nevada (28/8/13)

1) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (13.76 lbs of ribs in 12 minutes; $2,500);

2) Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie (11.2; $1,000);

3) Miki Sudo (7.1; $750);

4) Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez (6.5; $500);

5) Steve Hendry (4.67; $250);

=6) Don Brown (3.9);

=6) Ken 'A.D.H.D.' Douglas (3.9);

8) Anthony 'Hotel Impossible' Melchiorri (3.85);

9) Drake Nelson (3.4);

10) Melissa Vojtko (1.87); and

11) Lee Hantzsche (1.8).

Buffalo Buffet Bowl, Buffalo, Noi Yoik (31/8/13)

1) Miki Sudo (5lb of weird food we've never heard of before; 4 minutes 17 seconds; $1,000);

2) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (5; time unknown; $500);

3) Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas (5; 9 minutes 32 seconds; $250);

4) Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco (4.2);

5) 'Buffalo' Jim Reeves (3.65);

6) Yasir Salem (3.3);

7) Steve Hendry (3.21);

8) William 'Wild Bill' Meyers (2.82);

9) Mike Landrich (2.6);

10) Eric 'Badlands' Booker (2.47);

11) Larell Marie 'the Real Deal' Mele (2); and

12) Crazy Legs Conti (1.48).

US National Buffalo Wing Eating Championship, Buffalo, Noi Yoik (1/9/13)

1) Miki Sudo (6.7 lbs of chicken wings in 12 minutes; $1,500);

2) Michelle 'Cardboard Shell' Lesco (4.6; $750);

3) Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas (4.32; $300);

4) Yasir Salem (3.5);

5) 'Buffalo' Jim Reeves (3.44);

6) Eric 'Badlands' Booker (3.06);

7) Steve Hendry (3);

8) Mike Landrich (2.5);

?) Crazy Legs Conti (?);

?) William 'Wild Bill' Meyers (?); and

?) Jimmy 'Amateur Contest Winner' Doran (?).

Sorry about the info trailing off there at the end, but such is often the way in this sport.

Anyway, top chomping all round, whether the gurgitating took place in Hillsborough, Sparks or Buffalo.

Indeed, hats off to all the eaters, organisers, emcees and spectators involved with all the above-mentioned chowdowns and, of course, massive, massive gratitude to Megatoad, Notorious B.O.B. and Miki for their exclusive quotes and Sean Hall for the press pass.

Monster thanks indeed!

Healing thoughts, too, to Jaws and all those affected, either directly or indirectly, by cancer.

We sincerely hope the Hillsborough International Oyster Festival succeeded in raising a right shedload of cash to that end.

Remember also to stay tuned for our forthcoming interview piece with Notorious B.O.B., not to mention our exclusive Ulster oyster eating vid that we'll bung up just as soon as that Rake bloke works out how to use his computer.

The ignorant luddite git.

In the meantime, here's the entire wing eating bash as streamed lived at the event on one of them big movie-talkie screen things you sometimes see on the tele and which we've slyly embedded from a website called or something.

Running to more than 70 minutes, it's full of more pearls than a whole sea of oysters, such as the bit where George Shea declares war on chickens.

Yes, it sounds terrible but it had me wetting me knickers like a drunken floozy.

Trust me, every moment (with the exception of the rather annoying adverts that I'd like to take a pickaxe to) should be savoured.

However, if you're in a rush, you might just want to jump to the 33-minutes-30 mark and dive straight into the eating.

Whatever you choose, you shall be rewarded with visions of aceness.

Video streaming by Ustream

But what has Deep Dish been up to other than appearing at Hillsborough on Megatoad's T-shirt?

Drinking milk, it would seem.

Lots of it.

And very quickly indeed.

Good job he's got a YouTube channel really.

And in honour of his birthday two days ago, here's Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald tucking into a f--king huge cinnamon bun.

Many happy returns, sir!

We just hope you left room for the cake.

Right, gotta go.

It sounds like Kok's magic pasty's beginning to work.

Oh no, that's just the roof caving in.

For a minute there I thought he was gonna start talking out of his arse again.

See also Shirlow keeps Black Widow at bay, posted 8/9/12.

To fully understand why Sandi and Kok are hiding from a cryptozoological beast at the bottom of a disused Cornish tin mine, make sure you read Megatoad makes it three, posted 23/8/13.

Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that FaceBook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.


1) We think. Rake can't actually remember right now because he was on the Guinness and Black Bush all day. Sorry. Bloody pisshead.

This article was first posted on the old R&H 13/9/13.

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