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EATING & DRINKING

Deep Dish keeps king cake crown

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted February 13, 2013
deep dish wins at king cakes
Shove it down yer cakehole! This year's chowdown in action. © MLE

Patrick 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti has set a new world record in Atlantic City, New Jersey to once more retain his king cake crown.


For the fourth year running, Chicago-based unicorn enthusiast Patrick 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti has been anointed with holy Nile crocodile fat and crowned King Cake King in a solemn ceremony dating back more than 5,000 years.

King Deep Dish's fourth investiture as Food-fighting Pharaoh took place after he set a new world record by cramming 12 half-pound (226g) king cakes down his cakehole at the Major League Eating- (MLE) sanctioned Showboat's Fat Tuesday King Cake Eating Contest, an eight-minute all-you-can-eat gobathon at a New Orleans-themed casino or something in Atlantic City, New Jersey, US of A today/yesterday (12/2/13) depending on what side of the Atlantic you are on.

Although, to be honest, we're a bit confused because on his MLE bib sheet it says he ate 14 cakes with a combined mass of 10.5 lbs back in February 2010 so f--k knows what's going on there.

Whatever.

Anyway, in addition to receiving his crown, orb, sceptre and ermine-trimmed robes of office, King Deep Dish, who clocked up a whirlwind gulletisation rate of 0.025 king cakes per second (kcps), was also bestowed with a broadsword named Excalibur, some magic beans and a cheque for $2,000 (£1,278) with which to fund the expansion of his empire and provide for the welfare of his loyal subjects.

However, his ascension to the throne was no open-and-shut case.

Rather than simply becoming head of state on account of who his parents were, King Deep Dish had to fend off a whole host of similarly hungry pretenders all vying for the right to be named supreme lord and master of all the world's king cakes, a food traditionally associated with Mardi Gras, apparently.

Not that we've ever seen one, mind.

Unlike the Rake & Herald's own favourite alimentary athlete, the wonderful, the fantastic, the completely flipping ace Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas, who has now been named Princess King Cakes with a royal purse of exactly $1,000 after chobbling 10.5 of these mysterious items of dense confectionary at a rate of 0.021875 kcps.

Furthermore, in a clear demonstration of gurgitatory evolution in action, she not only upped her 2012 showing by 1.9 cakes but also equalled the number King Deep Dish shovelled down his gob at last year's bash.

Meanwhile, Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt came a close third at today/yesterday's royal tournament, snaffling 10 at a rate of 0.02083333333333 kcps to land $500.

As the new Duke of Cake, Duke Notorious B.O.B. will now preside over a mystical land inhabited by dragons, elves and fire-breathing weasels, with a bloke called Terry coming in once a month to mow the lawns.

Or something.


FOUR-WAY TIE
But that's not all, royalty watchers, because there was also a four-way tie for fourth, with Eric 'Badlands' Booker, Yasir 'the Doggy Bag' Salem, Sean 'Flash' Gordon and Marcos 'the Monster' Owens all scoffing 6.5 king cakes to secure a slot on the Civil List that will guaranteed them an income for life paid for by the taxpayer.

Either that or, we guess, they all got an equal cut of the combined fourth and fifth prizes, viz $300 and $200, respectively.

But what about the cakes themselves?

"Pure yummmminess," Larell Marie 'the Real Deal' Mele exclusively informs the Rake & Herald via Twitter.

And she should know because she ate five of them, which, she exclusively tells us and no one bloody else, "was more than last year" and saw her tying for ninth with Rake & Herald culture editor DJ NRG Raver's favourite gurgitator Crazy Legs Conti.

Top stuff, Real Deal, and big thanks for letting us know about the four-way tie for fourth before MLE announced the full results.

You are a star and we wish you all the best for the rest of the MLE season.

Now over to Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie, self-appointed competitive eating pundit, convicted sheep worrier and all-round gobshite Kok Wang for more of his endless prattle.

Wotcha, Kok, you big fat turd monkey.


sonya thomas and patrick bertoletti
The royal family: Princess Black Widow and King Deep Dish eating jalapenos. © MLE


KOK ROT
Wotcha, Sandi, you oily piece of shit.

And well done to His Royal Highness King Deep Dish.

Four years on the trot.

Not bad, eh?

According to some interview with him I read on the Total AC Blog, which is "the official blog of Caesars Entertainment Atlantic City" as opposed to someone writing about alternating current, king cakes, whatever the f--k they, are an "odd food" that you can't really train for.

However, King Deep Dish says he does "best in those types of competitions", so that kind of explains his win, I guess.

Plus the fact he's bloody amazing, of course.

And talking of amazing, what a bleedin' fantastic line-up this year.

I was particularly glad to see Crazy Legs Conti was there, although I was a bit disappointed not to see Eric 'Steakbellie' Livingston's and Micah 'Wing Kong' Collins's names among the results 'cos I was under the impression they were going to compete as well.

I was looking forward to seeing how they got on, particulalrly as Steakbellie hasn't eaten for ages.

Competitively that is.

He probably had a sandwich or something earlier.

Maybe a baguette or a banana.

Yoghurts are always good.

And beans.

Anyway, I was well chuffed the Real Deal upped her showing and that four-way tie for fourth was pretty cosmic too, especially as the Doggy Bag and rap sensation Badlands Booker are two of my all-time favourites.

Big up yourselves, the lot of ya.

Top eating all round and I'm glad the cakes were good, whatever they are.

Now back to Sandi, the stupid f--king moo.


FULL RESULTS
Thanks, Kok, you septic bell end.

And here are the full results based on what it says on the MLE website and Twitter feed...


1) Patrick 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti (12 king cakes; $2,000);

2) Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas (10.5; $1,000);

3) Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt (10; $500);

=4) Eric 'Badlands' Booker (6.5; $125 we assume);

=4) Yasir 'the Doggy Bag' Salem (6.5; $125 we assume);

=4) Sean 'Flash' Gordon (6.5; $125 we assume);

=4) Marcos 'the Monster' Owens (6.5; $125 we assume);

8) Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez (6);

=9) Larell Marie 'the Real Deal' Mele (5);

=9) Crazy Legs Conti (5);

11) William 'Wild Bill' Myers (4); and

12) Mike 'the Eater' Nagengast (2.5).


Well done to the lot of you for proving that you can have your cake and eat it after all.

And shed loads of it to boot.

But what are they going to give up for Lent?

Perhaps, like us, anything under 9%.

Anyway, can't find any footage of today/yesterday's chomping but here's some of the 2012 king cake chowdown we found on the Atlantic City Weekly's YouTube channel.

Give it a watch all the way through because it also includes King Deep Dish talking to camera and a snippet of Badlands rapping.

Bon appetite!





Right, gotta go.

I've got stuff to do.

Arson and theft mainly.


STOP PRESS: QUOTES & VIDS UPDATE



The Doggy Bag has now added credence to the Real Deal's assertion that the king cakes, whatever they are, were indeed very tasty.

"King cakes went great!" he exclusively tweets us via Twitter.

"They were delicious."

"Pat won and everyone put up great numbers."

Cheers, Doggy Bag, and well done on placing fourth!

Meanwhile, a glance at the excellent Eat Feats has enlightened us to the whereabouts of some fresh video footage of today/yesterday's patisserie pumelling.

The first is again from Atlantic City Weekly's YouTube, while the second is from NBC40.net.

According to the latter vid, "one random audience member" also took part in the chowdown, although further details remain scant.

In terms of the hotly contested Best Dressed Eater Award, my vote goes to Crazy Legs and his truly outstanding hat.

However, as he's the Rake & Herald fashion editor, Kok Wang gets the final word.

Plus he's got a gun.

"It's a tough call," Kok says, "but its gotta go to Juan 'More Bite' Rodriguez."

"Those sunglasses are just fan-f--king-tastic in conjunction with the headband."

"It was like watching Fame all over again."

So well done, More Bite.

It's true.

They really are very snazzy shades, sir!





NBC40.net



See also A Deep Dish full of pancakes, posted 8/10/12.


Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that Facebook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.


(Update same day)




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