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Cold wars Jaws

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted April 10, 2013
chestnut sets ice cream record in florida
Cool under fire: CLC, Bastos, Jaws and MLE MC Sam Barclay. © Jenny Camet Bello

Jaws guzzles to glory in Florida ice cream bash while Pretty Boy and Pi Gal go through to Nathan's.

Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut has romped to victory at the inaugural Magnify Credit Union World Ice Cream Eating Championship in Lakeland, Florida, spooning back a stonking 14.5 pints (6.9 litres1) of vanilla ice cream in just 6 minutes this past Saturday (6/4/13) to pocket $2,000 (£1,306) and claim a new world record.

Well, that's what Major League Eating (MLE), which sanctioned the event, reckons anyway, although the last time we reported/repeated such a claim regarding a new world record for King Cakes, whatever they are, we came out of it looking like a right bunch of rats' dongers.

So if you want to split pubes about it, check out the MLE Twitter feed then take it up with them.

Not us.



Now where was I?

Oh yes, Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan took silver and sponds equalling $1,000 for slurping back 11.5 pints, followed by Brian 'Dud Light' Dudzinski, who snaffled 9.75 pints to secure a sum of $600.

Meanwhile, Jon 'Bastos' Bello placed fourth with 9.5 pints to his name to go home with well-won wonga worth $400.

Also placing in the money were Rake & Herald culture editor and birthday boy DJ NRG Raver's favourite gurgitator Crazy Legs Conti (CLC) and Mike Jenkins, who landed $200 and $100, respectively, for noshing 7 pints and 6.5 pints of sweetened dairy goodness.

Somewhat surprisingly, eating all that ice cream against the clock did not prove as painful as some might have thought.

"Brain freeze was not a factor," Bastos exclusively twitterises the Rake & Herald.

"Eating a gallon of ice cream is like having ice cold wet cement but delicious," he continues.

Indeed, from looking at some of the comments on the excellent Eat Feats website, it would seem that it wasn't just Bastos who managed to escape the excruciating pain of sphenopalatine ganglioneuralgia during the all-the-all-you-can-eat gobathon.

According to one such post attributed to Sean 'Wrecking Ball' Brockert, who tied for tenth with 4.5 pints, it would appear that by the time the gurgitation got underway around 80% of the ice cream was "liquid and not very cold".

We say "attributed" because for all we know the comment in question could have been the work of an imposter poster, although to be honest we doubt it.

But hey, you never know.

After all, the reason why we are so late with our ice cream report is because yours truly spent the entire weekend in A&E after being beaten up by a gang of bogus milkmen who turned out to be a bunch of vicious scrotes hired for precisely that purpose by Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok Wang, who for some reason still feels miffed about me poisoning his kebab with toxic tree bark the other day.

However, while I may now be in a full body cast, the last laugh's on Kok as he's the one who still can't control his bowels and will have to wear a large rubber nappy, or 'diaper' as they call them in the States, for the next six weeks at least.

Isn't that right, Kok, you talking arse cleft?

Fack off, Sandi.

I'm nowhere near finished with you, you little pus sucker, and don't you think I am.

I've already sized you up for a pair of concrete sandals and when they finally fish your eel-jizzed corpse out the Thames there won't be a chance in hell of the filth pinning it on me 'cos I've already penned your suicide note in well girlie handwritin'.

And when they see your face after Stanley's done carving it up like a Sunday roast, the fuzz won't think twice about why you stuck a sawn-off in your warty old north, you munty great trollop.

Anyhow, top chobbling from that champion chomper Chestnut, who once again summoned up his superhuman superpowers to shovel down a right royal bellyload of white mice.

Fourteen and a half pints in 6 minutes!

That works out at more than 2.4 pints every 60 seconds, a phenomenal feat not even Ollie Reed could've done on his stag night.

So well done, Jaws.

And well done too to Wrecking Ball, who, we understand, even came out of retirement specifically to take part in Saturday's slavering.

Now that, Toxic, is dedication.

But what about all this lack of brain freeze malarkey?

Well, personally, I'm glad to hear none of Saturday's gurgitators suffered at the hands of what Wikipedia reckons is the result of "the rapid cooling and rewarming of the capillaries in the sinuses", or something.

After all, the only person I want to see in pain right now is you, Sandi, you hideous chunt.

The thing is, I bet it was still pretty hard going regardless.

Even at 80% liquid it's still gonna be pretty parky on your palate over a full 6 minutes, what with the cumulative effect of all that slush slopping down your Billy goat and the like.

Mind you, it makes you wonder what the results would have been like had the event taken place outdoors in the north of Greenland.

I mean, had the stuff been fully frozen, not only would there've been the risk of some well nasty brain freeze, but just prising it out the bucket would've been harder than a porn star's cock.

Not that I'm taking anything away from the gurgitators, who all did a fantastic job.

I'm just stating a fact.

Just like I am when I say your days are numbered, Toxic.

You mark my fackin' words, missus.

You won't know when I'm gonna strike or how I'm gonna strike but when I do I'm gonna fackin' hit ya like a tonne of fackin'

Aw, shit.

I'm leaking again.

Pass us that spare nappy, will ya, Sand?

I'm stuck to me bloody seat as it is.

Sorry, Kok, I'm in a full body cast, remember?

Or is your brain made out of shit as well as your breath?

Anyway, here are the full results as far as we can work out from the MLE Twitter feed.

1) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (14.5 pints of vanilla ice cream; $,2000);

2) Adrian 'the Rabbit' Morgan (11.5; $1,000);

3) Brian 'Dud Light' Dudzinski (9.75; $600);

4) Jon 'Bastos' Bello (9.5; $400);

5) Crazy Legs Conti (7; $200);

6) Mike Jenkins (6.5; $100);

=7) Mike S (5.5);

=7) Matt S (5.5);

=7) Bill W (5.5);

=10) RJ Frasca (4.5);

=10) Sean 'Wrecking Ball' Brockert (4.5);

=10) Dan M (4.5);

=13) Forrest Askew (4); and

=13) Sir Kendrick Stewart (4).

Apologies for not knowing everyone's full names but it's certainly nice to see a chap with a knighthood taking part.

Personally, I reckon they should all get a gong or two for their valiant efforts, so as far as the Rake & Herald's concerned they can all award themselves an OBE if they want.

Congratulations to them all.

And fair play to RJ Frasca for posting the following vid up to his YouTube channel.

Nice one, sir!

Respect is due too to the organisers of the do not only for staging the Florida Ice Cream Festival, of which the spooning sesh was a facet, but also for not bulldozing a certain ice cream parlour into the ground.

Not sure what I'm talking about?

Well watch this and learn...

But it wasn't just Florida that saw some serious gurgitation going on this past Saturday, with MLE Number 15 Pete 'Pretty Boy' Davekos winning the second Nathan's qualifier over in Savannah, Georgia to secure his seat at the July 4 hot dog bonanza.

Clocking up a gut count of 25 hot dogs and buns (HDBs) in 10 minutes, Pretty Boy also achieved a new local record, apparently, but don't get me started on all that again.

Instead, join me in saluting Dee 'Pi Gal' Martin, who landed her place at the women's table with 8.5 HDBs down her gob.

As for the full results, well, if we've understood the MLE Twitter feed and this write-up in the Savannah Morning News correctly, they should resemble something similar to this:

1) Pete 'Pretty Boy' Davekos (25 HDBs; Men's Seat, Coney Island, July 4);

2) Steve 'Pi Guy' Martin (10);

3) Dee 'Pi Gal' Martin (8.5; Women's Seat, Coney Island, July 4);

=4?) Elizabeth 'Maggie Kill'NBrawl' Vinson (?); and

=4?) Diedre 'Fractious Phoebe' Schofield (?).

To be honest, we don't know exactly how much the last two alimentary athletes ate but an MLE tweet at the time has them down as consuming "a combined five".

The aforementioned newspaper report, on the other hand, suggests they possibly scarfed four and 2.5, respectively, so your guess is a good as ours.

As with the first Nathan's qualifier won by Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt and Larell Marie 'The Real Deal' Mele this past March 23, there were also a number of amateur eaters who took part but we really haven't got a clue who they were.


However, if you study the following footage embedded from the Savannah Morning News' website, you may well be able to shed some light on the matter for us.

There's a crisp fictional fiver for the first person to correctly identify everyone present, including the members of the audience and their next of the kin.

What's more, we'll make it a full imaginary tenner if you tell us their names in Morse.


One thing we definitely can confirm, though, is that this past Easter Saturday (30/3/13), while we were on the razz rather than working, Jaws, Neil Sebree and Bastos all racked up places at the Hooters World Wing-Eating Championship to be held in Clearwater, Florida this coming July.

Convened at Panama City Beach in the very same Sunshine State, the qualifier also saw them pocketing $500, $300 and $200 apiece, with Neil Sebree tearing out of the blue with a pretty damn impressive 128 wings in 10 minutes behind Jaws' 140, a figure that was itself just a gnat's bawhair shy of the 144 he gulletised to win last year's Hooter's final.

Good stuff, all round, we say.

What's more, thanks to MLE and Eat Feats, we've also go a pretty full-looking results table for you.

And look, here it is!

1) Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut (140 wings; $500; Seat, Hooters World Wing-Eating Championship);

2) Neil Sebree (128; $300; Seat, Hooters World Wing-Eating Championship);

3) Jon 'Bastos' Bello (125; $200; Seat, Hooters World Wing-Eating Championship);

4) Sean 'Flash' Gordon (94);

5) Yasir 'the Doggy Bag' Salem (92);

6) Henry Victoria (90);

=7) Crazy Legs Conti (66);

=7) Don Potts (66);

=9) Steve 'Pi Guy' Martin (52);

=9) Dee 'Pi Gal' Martin (52);

11) Warren McFarland (46); and

12) Carol Jones (38).

Hats off and garlands of flowers to all who took part in the above mentioned chowdowns, regardless of what they ate and where they placed.

Big, big thanks to Bastos too for the exclusive quotes.

We're very glad you didn't suffer brain freeze, sir!

Right, gotta go.

Kok's seepage is making my plaster all gooey.

Honestly, next time, I'll just slip him some strychnine.

Like I did my husbands.

See also A return to the Cold War, posted 22/2/13.

To fully understand why Kok is wearing a nappy and has had Sandi beaten up, have a read of B.O.B. and Real Deal off to Nathan's, posted 24/3/13.

Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that Facebook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.


1) We're assuming that the pints in question are US pints (liquid), which, according to work out at 0.473 litres. Were they UK pints, the corresponding figure would be 0.568 litres. Our apologies now If we've got our conversions wrong. Either way, that's still a lot of ice cream to eat in 6 minutes. Fair play to the lot of them.

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