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Burger me, the Black Widow wins!

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted August 20, 2012
sonya the black widow thomas wins at hamburgers
Burger queen: Sonya Thomas could probably eat her own body weight in burgers. © National Hamburger Festival

Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas has won the US National Hamburger-Eating Championship at the Seventh Annual National Hamburger Festival in Akron, Ohio.

While both the official results and the full list of competitors are still awaited, it seems that the Black Widow, who weighs just 100 lbs (45.4 kg) and is internationally recognised as being the Rake & Herald's favourite gurgitator, yesterday knocked back 16 quarter-pound hamburgers in 10 minutes to land the hamburger chobbling gong and a first prize cheque for $750.

According to various sources, another big Rake & Herald favourite, rap sensation Eric 'Badlands' Booker, chomped down 14.5 burgers and buns to pick up the second prize of $500 while triathlete Yasir 'the Doggy Bag' Salem necked 11 quarter pounders to clinch the $250 third prize.

However, a subsequent Twitter tweety tweet tweet thing from the organisers of the National Hamburger Festival named the Black Widow as the winner with 16.5 hamburgers down her gut against 16 gobbled back by Badlands.

Either way, it appears that erstwhile title-holder and professional fireman Matt Askea failed to retain his crown despite having last year downed 11 burgers in just five minutes.

"If Askea loses, his shame will be fertile ground for the seeds of self-doubt and recrimination," competition compère, MC extraordinaire and boater-wearing Major League Eating (MLE) chairman George Shea says in a press release issued a little while back that we're cynically recycling here in a vain attempt to distract readers' attention from our present lack of hard facts.

"This is about more than money or titles."

"With Sonya Thomas headed to the National Hamburger-Eating Championship, Askea's honour is at stake."

At this point, Rake & Herald fashion editor, gob-shite London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok Wang would normally stick his unwanted oar in and spout off some bollocks or other but as he's currently 'helping the police with their inquiries' he can't.

Thing is, neither can the man he shot through the arm earlier with an illegal handgun, Rake & Herald crime editor Dick Rampant, as he's right now ripped to the tits on morphine down A&E.

Which, I guess, leaves it to me to say: "Nice one, Sonya, Eric, Yasir, Matt and everyone else who competed."

I would go on but it's gone midnight here and I'm meant to be on bloody holiday.

In which case, that's me done.

Right, gotta go.

See also Anyone fancy a burger?, posted 18/7/12, and, to understand why Kok's down the nick and Dick's in the hozzy, Chestnut chalks up gyoza record, posted 19/8/12.

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