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EATING & DRINKING

B.O.B. not veggie

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted May 14, 2013
Notorious B.O.B. is not a veggie.
Notorious B.O.B.: He ain't an off-stage vegetarian, alright? © Bob Shoudt

Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt has denounced claims in the press that he is a vegetarian when not eating competitively. Sorry, B.O.B. Our mistake.


In yet another world exclusive, the Rake & Herald can exclusively reveal that Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt, the number five alimentary athlete on the Major League Eating (MLE) circuit, is not a vegetarian outside of competitive eating contests despite claims to the contrary made in some scurrilous online shit rag called the Rake & Herald or something.

In an article entitled Megatoad beats Jaws with asparagus, which included an otherwise flawless write-up of the recent National Sweet Corn Eating Championship, equally brilliant and beautiful female journalist Sandi Toxic mindlessly repeated allegations she'd seen peddled elsewhere by stating that Notorious B.O.B., who won the event by expertly expunging 35 ears of sweet corn in 12 minutes, was "an off-stage vegetarian".

Well, award-worthy investigative journalist Sandi Toxic, a true credit to her profession, can now confirm that third-rate hack Sandi Toxic, a total disgrace to the world of journalism, was in fact talking out of her ring piece.

"I am not a vegetarian away from the table," Notorious B.O.B. exclusively chastises the Rake & Herald via that FaceBook thing.

"I know you are repeating what you have read elsewhere," he continues, very kindly letting us off the hook a bit.

"Personally, I think it is the stupidest comment ever."

"I eat meat except when I don't, same as every other person that has ever eaten meat in the history of the world."

"Even if I only ate meat in contests, which isn't true, that is not a vegetarian."

"Would you call someone who robs banks 20 times a year a bank robber or would he be a guy that never robs banks except to get money?"

"This may not seem like a big deal but I am tired of my girls, 11 and 14, who have never eaten meat in their lives, having to take crap from people because of lies people write about me."

Lies like the filth we ran just the other day.


FULL AND FRANK APOLOGY
In the light of the scandal, already dubbed B.O.B.gate by unimaginative hacks at the Rake & Herald, Rake & Herald chief hack Ignatius Rake has now issued the following statement:

"The Rake & Herald unreservedly apologises to both Notorious B.O.B. and our cherished and beloved readers for its part in unwittingly perpetuating the false notion that Notorious B.O.B. is a vegetarian when not competing in gurgitatory events."

"We accept that we had our cock out on that one."

"Sorry."

"We have now conducted a full inquiry into how this monumental balls-up occurred and it appears that Sandi Toxic, the ugly stupid gunt, was at fault."

"She has now been docked a full month's wages, viz 48p and 12 cans of Special Brew."

"Furthermore, we have also now ordered her on pain of death to repay the warm can of Kestrel Super we gave her as a bonus for her Deep Dish scoop."

"By rights we should also sack her but she's got far too much dirt on us for that."

"Forced to find a scapegoat, we promptly hired a talented new writer with masses of potential and blamed him instead."

"He has now been fired and manhandled out of the building by security."

"Rest assured he will never work in journalism again and quite frankly it serves him right."

Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok Wang also gave him a good kicking before running him over with his taxi.

The funeral will take place this coming Thursday.

Needless to say, we'll crash the reception for all the free booze.

For her part, a shame-faced Sandi Toxic adds while interviewing herself: "Sorry, B.O.B."

"No hard feelings, I hope."

"Anyway, it was all Kok's fault."

"He put me off."

"Admittedly, he was in a coma at the time but that just goes to show what a malignant influence he is."

"Once again, sorry, B.O.B."

"Please blame Kok."

Right, gotta go.

Eternal editor AC89 has just doused me in petrol and now he's waving a lighter about.

Just you wait, Kok.

I'm gonna get you big time for this.


See also Megatoad beats Jaws with asparagus, posted 11/5/13. Just ignore the bit about Notorious B.O.B. being an off-stage vegetarian because HE IS NOT, kapeesh?




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