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B.O.B. and Real Deal off to Nathan's

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted March 24, 2013
Notorious B.O.B. wins nathan's qualifier coney island
He's on his way to Wembley: Notorious B.O.B. has won his seat at Nathan's. © MLE

Notorious B.O.B and the Real Deal have guzzled their way to this year's Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest in Noi Yoik.

The first of 12 qualifiers for the 98th Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog Eating Contest has been won by Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt and Larell Marie 'the Real Deal' Mele, who yesterday (23/3/13) consumed 36 and 17 hot dogs and buns (HDBs), respectively, in 10 minutes to secure men's and women's spots at the veritable FA Cup of competitive eating.

For the first time ever, the initial heat on the Nathan's qualifying circuit took place on the historic Coney Island Boardwalk, which incurred severe damage when it was hit by Hurricane Sandy this past October.

Indeed, such was the devastation that at the time some wondered whether the Boardwalk would ever recover.

But recover it has, with Nathan's president and chief operating officer Wayne Norbitz stating on the Major League Eating (MLE)/International Federation of Competitive Eating (IFOCE) website: "There is no better way to show our commitment to Coney Island and all its businesses, residents and fans than to kick off the summer season with a great event on the Boardwalk."

"Our thoughts are with all those who continue to suffer from superstorm Sandy."

"Coney Island will be open for business and we are looking forward to a great summer season at America's original amusement district – grab lunch at Nathan's and enjoy the beach, the NY Aquarium, a Cyclones baseball game and a ride on the Wonder Wheel and the World Famous Cyclone."

However, such talk of summer seemed somewhat at odds with the mercury in the tube.

According to the excellent Eat Feats website, this particular qualifier looks set to qualify as the coldest contest in MLE history, with the scrotum-shrivelling temperatures of 45°F (7.2°C) outdipping even the 49°F endured during the engorging at the Minnesota Nathan's qualifier back in June 2009.

Apparently, you could hear the brass monkeys screaming a mile off, although such claims still remained to be verified at press time.

the gurgitators get ready to chomp
Hot dogs? Cold dogs more like. © MLE

Not that such chilly conditions could cool the ardour of the assembled alimentary athletes, who in addition to assorted amateurs and the two aforementioned aces also included three MLE pros in the form of William 'Wild Bill' Myers, Andrew 'Andrew K' Kossuth and the seasoned veteran and colourful chronicler of craw-cramming courage 'Beautiful' Brian Seiken.

"It was a fun contest, opening the Boardwalk up again after the hurricane last year," Notorious B.O.B. exclusively tells the Rake & Herald by email.

"It was a good crowd for such a cold day."

"[MLE chairman] George Shea emceed and Crazy Legs assisted with judging."

"Maria Edible, another pro, came out to cheer us on."

"Sam and Dave from the IFOCE helped as well."

"This is more people than most contests, so it was good to feel the love."

"Larell was the only female but she did not take it easy."

"She put up an impressive 17."

"Considering how cold some of the hot dogs were, that was awesome."

"Since I ate more dogs, most of my plates were good dogs – I only had one cold plate."

In fact, Notorious B.O.B. notes that he "actually had a plate that was too hot for the first time ever".

"Nathan's did a fantastic job with the conditions," he continues.

"There was a lot of media and fans present, which is always a bonus."

But how did the ultimate winner of this masticatory match of momentous import find the going as he gobbled his way to glory and the right to once more lock hot dog horns with the six-time reigning chomping champ that is Joey 'Jaws' Chestnut?

"I had a rough time handling the hot dogs due to the cold and being rusty," Notorious B.O.B. reveals.

"I don't train with food so I was trying to get my technique down, which I was never able to."

"I prefer to eat meat with the left and dunk bun with the right at the same time."

"Today I just couldn't make it work."

"In the end, a win is what I was there for and I got it."

"For the final, I am trying to break my world record of being the oldest person to eat their age in hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes, which I set last year with 45."

Well, we certainly wish him well with that.

What's more, we want to see him still breaking that record when he's in his 80s.

All power to you, Notorious B.O.B. and well done on a well deserved victory.

But what of the Real Deal and her thoughts now that her gifted guzzling has guaranteed her graceful presence a place on the podium presently presided over by the ruling hot dog queen, the Rake & Herald's official all-time favourite food fighter and MLE number four, the fantastic, the wonderful, the super flipping fabulous Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas, who has held her crown ever since the sexes were split in 2011?

"It's only gonna get better from here," she tweets us on an equally exclusive basis, correctly observing, ahem, that the Rake & Herald is "awesome".

Ah, thanks, Real Deal, and so are you!

Now that, folks, is how to handle the media.

But from a victorious duo of digestional daredevils with time for the press, we now turn to a total tosspot who should be shoved in a press, a massive industrial one used for shaping ships and titanium tanks.

That's right, I am now contractually obliged to hand over the mic to Kok 'Bloody' Wang, Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie, self-appointed competitive eating pundit and the man whose half-arsed research 'efforts' nearly ruined my otherwise flawless interview with All Pro Eating's (APE) Michael 'Munchin' Mike' Longo that we posted up just before the Coney Island results came through.

Kok, you worthless tagnut on the arse of all that's wrong, what have you got to say for yourself?

And take that kebab out of your mouth.

You have been warned.

crazy legs conti helped with the judging
The dogs were a lot bigger this year: Crazy Legs Conti (CLC) shows off his lunch. © MLE

Shut it, Sandi, or I'll shut it for you, you la-di-da Berkshire hunt.

You know I've got that shooter.

And what's more, you know I used it on Hookey Tom the jeweller only two days ago so don't go thinking I ain't prepared to roll you up in a carpet and feed you to the pigs an' all, you two-thirty brass.

Anyway, congratulations to Notorious B.O.B. and the Real Deal on some top dog-downing in some right flippin' parky weather.

Scarfin' in scarfs on the first day of the summer season?

Who'd've thought it?

Not me but then I've been too busy looking at last year's results what we ran and weirdly enough I see Notorious B.O.B. and the Real Deal both finished fifth with respective gut counts of 45 and 21.25 HDBs.

Exactly what all that means I can't honestly say, but I'll tell you what, I had this geezer in the back of me sherbet the other day who kept banging on about that numerology malarkey.

So who knows, maybe it's got something to do with that?

Or astrology.

On the subject of which, many happy returns to Beautiful Brian, who started his eating career at Nathan's back in 1997 and whose birthday it was the day before yesterday's qualifier, which by my reckoning makes him an Aires, which is a fire sign.

And like a phoenix rising from the ashes of a fire, so the Coney Island Boardwalk has now kicked itself back into life after the right pounding it took off of Sandy.

Talkin' of pounding, me bloody ticker's beating like a f--ked clock.

More than that, the room keeps spinning and I can't stop sweating through me fingernails.

What have you done to me kebab, Sandi, you fackin' toxic tit witch?

Me ears have gone numb!

I can't feel me knees!

Fackin' hell, now me spleen's on fire!

I think I'm gonna

Oh dear.

Kok seems to have collapsed.

I hope no one medicined his kebab for nearly screwing up their interview with Munchin' Mike earlier.

Nah, I'm sure he'll come round in a few hours.

Feeling like shit with a blinding headache, limbs like jelly and a total inability to control his bowels, bladder or bell end.


Anyway, here are the results according to the MLE Twitter feed.

1) Bob 'Notorious B.O.B.' Shoudt (36 HDBs; Men's Seat, Coney Island, July 4);

2) Larell Marie 'The Real Deal' Mele (17; Women's Seat, Coney Island, July 4);

3) William 'Wild Bill' Myers (13);

4) Andrew 'Andrew K' Kossuth (12.5); and

5) 'Beautiful' Brian Seiken (11).

Unfortunately, we don't as yet have the names or figures for the amateur contestants who took part but hats off to them nonetheless for braving the bitter cold and giving it their best shots.

Mind you, what we can tell you is that the remaining 11 qualifiers will take place in the following locales on the following dates:

Savannah, Georgia (6/4/13);

Miami, Florida (13/4/13);

Las Vegas, Nevada (20/4/13);

Naples, Florida (4/5/13);

St Paul, Minnesota (2/6/13);

Calgary, Alberta (Canada) (8/6/13);

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania (12/6/13);

Atlanta, Georgia (15/6/13);

Boston, Massachusetts (22/6/13);

Queens, Noi Yoik (29/6/13); and

East Rutherford, New Jersey (29/6/13).

For more details on the above, have a clicksy of thisksy.

Serious salutations to all who competed in the Coney Island cold yesterday and good luck to all those gearing up for the rest of the Nathan's circuit.

We wish you all well.

Furthermore, a big, big Rake & Herald thank you to Notorious B.O.B. and the Real Deal for their excellent commentary and kind words.

Rest assured that all here will be rooting for you come the big day.

Even Kok, when he finally comes round in a puddle.

Right, gotta go.

If I don't get this book on toxic tree barks back to the library pretty darn pronto they'll fine me up to 50p.

And nothing, not even the sight of an unconscious Kok blowing yellow bubbles out of his rusty bullet hole, is worth that.

Especially as I'm getting it all on video anyway.


And talking of video, want to see what happened yesterday?

Well, thanks to Beautiful Brian uploading the following vids to his YouTube channel, you can certainly get a taster.

First of all, here's the aforementioned George Shea not only explaining the historically important context of the contest, but also once again affirming why he is still the greatest emcee in the world.

That's not to do any others down, mind.

He just bloody is.

Well, in our book anyway.

Have a watch and decide for yourself.

And now, here are the results.

But what about the stuff in between?

You know, the actual hot dog eating?

Well, there is some footage here.

However, it appears to have been filmed by some kind of conceptual artist (Beautiful Brian was eating not filming, remember) who for some infuriating reason spends a little over 98.99994% of the time ignoring the action and simply shooting... another sodding camera.

Give it a blast for the audio but if you're hoping to see much alimentary action, you might be a tad disappointed.

We were.

That said, hats off to Beautiful Brian for letting the world get a flavour of this historic event.

Cheers, sir!

Much appreciated.

To fully understand why Sandi has poisoned Kok, have a read of Q&As with Munchin' Mike, posted 23/3/13.

Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that Facebook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.

(Update same day)

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