Adverts, innum?
dick rampant


Behold the burger battlers!

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted May 21, 2014
Burger me! Riverazilla shows that burger who's boss. © Naader Reda

Matt 'Sweet Tooth' Cohen and John 'Riverazilla' Rivera bolt back the burgers while Naader 'Freak8r' Reda tries his hand down at the chili pepper casino.

He maybe called Sweet Tooth but that doesn't mean Matt Cohen only eats sugar steeped in treacle and molasses.

Not on your Nelly, mate, because we here at the Rake & Herald have seen him scoff plenty of savoury foods in the past, not to mention some pretty unsavoury stuff to boot.

Anyway, when a new branch of the Farmer Boys restaurant chain opened up in French Valley, California this past May 16, he wasted no time in moseying on over to take part in a celebratory burger eating contest with a host of other gallant gurgitators.

The food: a fair-sized burger (although we're not exactly sure how much it weighed).

The record to beat: 1 minute 26 seconds.

Sweet Tooth's time?

One minute six.

But did he win?

Of course, he bloody did!

It's the Sweet Tooth, innit?

But Sweet Tooth's not the only Californian competitive eater to have a burger or two in his sights of late.

Take, for example, John 'Riverazilla' Rivera, who recently headed out to Sylvester's Burgers in Oceano looking to qualify for the company's annual – and fan-flippin'-tastically named – Beef Bath Bonanza that each May sees the fastest finisher of a 5-lb beefy bastard pocketing a grand in local wonga (£593) and, more importantly, a shedtonne of eternal glory.

At present, the robes of office are held by Jimmy 'the Specialist' Lin of Stuffed fame, who last year boshed the lot in 8 minutes 9 seconds.

But before he could even think about taking a pop at the Specialist's crown (at the end of this month, we understand), Riverazilla first had to prove his worth by scoffing a 1-lb burger as fast as humanly possible, with just the four quickest entrants eligible for the final chowdown showdown.

As yet, we're not too sure how Riverazilla stands in the grand scheme of things.

However, we can say this: he ain't what you'd call a slouch when it comes to cramming his craw against the clock.

The time it took him to clear his plate?

One minute 20.

Yeah, I doff my cap to that, sir.

But hang on.

Did my eyes and ears deceive me?

I'm bloody certain Rake & Herald competitive editor Naader 'Freak8r' Reda was in that last vid but at no point did I see him shove so much as a morsel down his mouthhole.

What the hell's going on?

What's the man playing at?

Ghost Pepper Roulette, it seems, along with Rika 'Von' Chan, Damon 'the Omen' Wells and Jerry Vilchez.


For a moment there I thought he was off his grub or something.

While the first of the above three vids was embedded here on the Rake & Herald from Sweet Tooth's YouTube channel, the following two were both taken from Freek8r's one. Check 'em out now, why don't you? Anyway, top chomping all round, with extra lashings of good luck heaped upon Riverazilla, who we hope goes through to the Beef Bath Bonanza final and promptly pulls out a right royal stonker when the clock starts ticking. Hats off to the lot of them!

See also Marking the days, posted 7/5/14; Let's do lunch, posted 10/4/14; and Hot Brazilian oral action, posted 7/2/14.

Sandi Toxic
was raised by wolves inside a disused clay pit near Lanjeth. You can befriend her on FaceBook here. She is still quite feral.

WARNING! Competitive eating can be dangerous. As well as potentially lethal choking hazards there is also the possibility of poisoning yourself, something that could lead to hospitalisation, permanent health damage and even death. Don't believe us? Read this. Consequently, the Rake & Herald does not recommend you emulate the above video(s) yourself. Seriously. We are NOT joking. You have been warned.

Share this story, yeah?


RIP Xanadu

RIP Stephanie 'Xanadu' Torres

The R&H pays tribute to competitive eater Stephanie 'Xanadu' Torres, who died yesterday (30/9/15).

Cut that beer duty!

booze news

New report adds weight to calls for "third, historic cut" in UK beer duty.

Randy Santel celebrates in style

birthday boy randy santel does 27 restaurants in one day

Randy Santel is a man on a mission: a mission to eat his age in freebie birthday meals.