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Beat on the brat

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted October 14, 2012
Bear wins in bratwursts
Brat's the way to do it: He's still a rookie, you know. © Jamie McDonald

Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald has notched up another win, this time bratting his face off at the Bierhaus NYC National Oktoberfest Bratwurst Eating Championship.

Mop-topped Noi Yoik punk rockers the Ramones once incited their listeners to "beat on the brat with a baseball bat".

"Oh yeah, oh yeah, uh-oh."

Well, Connecticut-based munching machine Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald, oh yeah, oh yeah, uh-oh, has now taken matters one step further, noshing back a whopping 33.5 brats in just eight minutes to win the All Pro Eating- (APE) sanctioned Bierhaus NYC National Oktoberfest Bratwurst Eating Championship, which took place yesterday (13/10/12) in Noi Yoik, Noi Yoik.

"Jamie proved that he is the best of the wurst and his continued #1 finishes at All Pro Eating competitive eating championships prove he is indeed worthy of the undisputed title of 2012 Competitive Eating Rookie of the Year," APE chairman Todd Greenwald exclusively tells the Rake & Herald by email.

"Today, Bierhaus NYC became the home of the most bratwursts eaten by one person in any sanctioned competitive eating championship in 2012!"

As this was the first time this particular brat-bolting bash had been staged, the Bear not only picked up the winner's cheque for $750 (£467), but also established a new event record, just like he did last Saturday when he turned up at the inaugural KC Burnt Ends Battle in Kansas City, Missouri and promptly wolfed down a whopping 8.5 lbs (3.9 kg) of beef brisket jobbies in 10 minutes.

But enough of the burnt ends for now.

What about the bratwursts?

"[They were a] tough food to get down fast but I beat my goal of 32 so I am happy," the triumphant Bear tweets us exclusively.

So is he up for a post-match celebratory pint given he's in a bierhaus and it's Oktoberfest?

"No room for beer," he says, "but dessert yes!"

Tell you what, Bear, you order a kilo of ice cream and Kok and I'll have another Special Brew.

Sound fair?

It certainly does to us.

Crack 'em open, Kok!

And pass us that cheap sangria while you're at it.

At present, we're still awaiting the full results.

However, through a combination of clocking the correct page on the glorious Eat Feats website and then shuffling over to Will 'the Champ' Millender's Twitter feed, we understand that Graham 'Not Sure If He's Got a Nickname or Not' Kist took silver with 21 German sausages sunk down his trunk.

Close on his heels, though, was Dave 'Tiger Wings and Things' Brunelli, who, in addition to boasting a brats-in-the-belly bonanza of 20.5, also vies with Craig 'the Black Mallard' Reed for having one of the best eater names in the sport today.

Meanwhile, the Champ, who placed sixth with 17.5 brats down his hatch, proved he's also a proper gent by sharing his views on the Bierhaus bash with the Rake & Herald via the very latest in electronic twitterification technology.

"Good venue, fun event," he says as we chalk up the third exclusive in the same article.

Oh yes, rack 'em up!

"I got off to a quick start," he continues, "but couldn't maintain, like usual, lol."

But true to his name, the Champ remains irrepressible, revealing that he may well be popping over to Springfield, New Jersey later today for a hot dog and bun (HDB) chomping chow-wow.

"Hopefully, I can do some damage there," the Champ says, reporting that his target tummy total will be at least 25 of these fine frankfurtery fellows.

Well, we certainly wish him luck.

All power to your chompers, sir!

And thanks also for posting up the results.

People like you deserve a medal.

Top stuff, Champ.

But now, to get his take on yesterday's Noi Yoik bratwurst action, we go from a champ and a gent to a total kok.

"I'm fackin' furious," says Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok Wang.

"I told that bloody Miltov Lamprey to go see Hooky Tom the bookie and put a pony on the Bear winning."

"But what's he do?"

"The stupid twunt's only gone and blown it all on knock-off perfume down Romford Market, ain't he?"

"Still, at least his breath smells better than usual1."

"Anyhow, what a result for the Bear."

"How many's that now?"

"Twenty-two or 23 wins out of 27 or 28 competitions, and that's not mentioning all the restaurant challenges he's been doing, like that one he did with the Rake & Herald's competitive eating editor and all-round top bloke Naader 'Freak8r' Reda the other day."

"On his Twitter account, the Bear describes himself as a 'competitive eater and bodybuilder pushing the limits of the body'."

"Well, he's certainly doing that, I'll grant you."

"Thirty-three and a half bratwurst in eight minutes!"

"That's more than one every 15 seconds."

"I dunno how big they were but if they were anything like the ones they had in Hamburg when I was over there picking up those shooters for Mad Bernie Perkins, they would've been bleedin' ginormous."

"Hats off to the Bear, I say."

"What a star."

"I'll tell you what, Sandi, I can't wait to see the footage on YouTube."

"I reckon it'll be fackin' monster!"

Too right, Kok.

And rest assured, dear readers, as soon as a suitable YouTubularisationalism blips up on our radar, we'll be embedding it right away, don't you fret.

But until then here's something we found on Bierhaus NYC's YouTube channel to at least give you some idea of the event's setting:

As previously stated, we don't at this very moment in time have the complete craw counts for all 11 alimentary athletes who took part in yesterday's gobathon.

Nevertheless, based on the aforementioned sources, here's what we do know, or more precisely, what we think we know:

1) Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald (33.5 bratwursts; $750 and a trophy);

2) Graham 'Not Sure If He's Got a Nickname or Not' Kist (21; $500);

3) Dave 'Tiger Wings and Things' Brunelli (20.5; $250);

4) Stephanie 'Xanadu' Torres (18.5);

5) Wayne 'Wayneywonder' Algenio (18);

6) Will 'the Champ' Millender (17.5); and

7) Mike 'Not Sure If He's Got a Nickname or Not Either' Hofmann (15.5);

Apologies to the four other gurgitators that we haven't listed.

It's nothing personal.

We just don't have your names or numbers.

A bit like Curiosity Killed the Cat if you remember them.

However, rest assured that if/when we do, we'll update this report and doff our caps to you at the same time.

If that's physically possible.

By the way, that goes for all events where our info is scant, sketchy or simply bollocks.

Anyway, big respect to all who participated yesterday, whether in terms of eating, organising, sponsoring or just making sure everything went off smoothly.

Give yourselves a jolly big pat on the back and get yourselves a stein or two on us.

Just don't expect us to actually pay for them, OK?

bear wins in burnt ends
Burnt ends: The Bear ate quite a few. © Jamie McDonald

Now, though, it's time to keep your appointment with the wicker man.

Well, a load of brisket anyway.

As mentioned above, last Saturday (6/10/12) the Bear was in Kansas City, Missouri not, I have to keep reminding myself, Kansas City, Kansas (does anybody else find that incredibly confusing?) for the KC Burnt Ends Battle, itself part of the American Royal 33rd Annual World Series of Barbecue® championship that ran from October 4 to October 7.

Having never personally encountered the food on this side of the Atlantic, it has to be said that to an uninitiated Brit such as yours truly the idea of anything called 'burnt ends' sounds well ming, the name conjuring up images of ashtrays full of dog ends, spent matches and maybe even a docker's omelette or two thrown in to boot.

However, when we looked them up on Wikipedia we were positively shocked by what we found.

To our amazement, they look and sound well tasty, being "considered a delicacy in barbecue cooking", apparently.

Providing Wikipedia isn't talking out of its ringpiece again, this could well explain why the Bear, not one to do things by halves, we have noticed, promptly scoffed down a whole 8.5 lbs of the things in 10 minutes.

That's practically the same weight as a World War II Lee-Enfield rifle, although probably a bit easier to swallow.

Makes you think, though, dunnit?

Unfortunately, once again we have to report that we're not too sure of the full results.

In fact, we don't even know what the prizes were, except that the total purse chinged in at $1,000, with the top four digestional gymnasts sharing it to one extent or another.

Thanks to a report by Fox News 4 Kansas City, though, we gather that the Bear was up against 10 local gurgitators, including Randy Santel, who, we understand from the ever excellent Eat Feats, gulletised 4 lbs to come second.

We also deduce that a total dude by the name of Toby 'Low Down' Teeters placed either third or fourth as the aforementioned TV report says he won $50.

And that's about it as far as we can suss.

So, that said, here's our not quite full-to-brimming results table:

1) Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald (8.5 lbs; $ No idea (NI));

2) Randy Santel (4lbs; $ NI);

3 or 4) Toby 'Low Down' Teeters (NI; $50);

NI) En-Kae Chang (NI);

NI) Chris Chance (NI);

NI) Isaac Elyacharshuster (NI);

NI) Dan Derakhshanian (NI);

NI) Ben Summers (NI);

NI) Andy Price (NI);

NI) Del Rogers (NI); and

NI) Somebody Else (NI).

Impressive, huh?

Well, to make up for our rather skimpy results run-down, why not have a watch of the box?

Although, if you're using the top-notch NoScript add-on for Firefox, you'll have to allow some external scripts just to see it's there let alone view it.

And in our opinion, the report is definitely worth watching if only to see why we think Low Down's a dude.

Oh, and by the way, he's quite right.

We looked it up in the dictionary and 'round' is a shape after all.

As regards the immediate future, the Bear reports that next weekend he will be setting his mouth on fire.

Not literally but not that far off either.

That's right, this coming Saturday, October 20, the Bear will be heading to Toronto to take part in the MuchoBurrito Ghost Pepper Burrito Eating Contest, which is offering a top prize of C$2,500 ($2,553; £1,588), with the runner-up getting free burritos for a year.

If you don't know anything about ghost peppers, have a watch of this.

We'll also give you a clue right now: More than a million Scoville units.

When we asked the Bear what he thought the burritos might be like compared to the well flipping hot enchiladas he ate to win the Second Annual Fire in the Whole Enchilada Eating Contest in Las Cruces, New Mexico recently, he tweeted back: "I would have to imagine this will be much hotter."


We kinda think that too.

But it's not just the Bear who's traipsing off to foreign parts for a bite to eat in the days to come.

So too is Randy Santel, who's popping over to Blighty to take on a string of restaurant challenges in order to show us Brits what our gobs and chip shovels are for.

Of course, we could be making it all up, so here's Randy to tell you more:

Good luck, Randy.

They don't have any food challenges that we're aware of, but if you're in London, you've got to eat a fried breakfast in Pellicci's on Bethnal Green Road (it closes about 16:00 and doesn't open on Sundays, mind).

Without a doubt, Pellicci's is the best café in London, the UK, the world and indeed the entire multiverse and their fry-ups are beyond words, young man.

Seriously, it's fan-f--king-tastic.

What's more, you might even bump into Kok.

Just don't let him get too close to your plate or he'll swipe your sausage and scarper out the door quicker than shit off a shovel.

But whatever you do, enjoy yourself and have fun, making sure you sample at least a few different pints of real ale, aka cask, or cask-conditioned, ale.

Try Fuller's ESB if you can.

It's pure high magic in a glass.



As promised, we can now bring you some video footage of Saturday's bratwurst chobbling, courtesy of Wayneywonder, who has uploaded the following to his YouTube channel here.

Kok say: "Bloody Nora, those bratwursts look good."

"Often when I watch competitive eating videos, I don't really pay too much attention to the actual food being eaten, clocking instead what the gurgitators themselves are doing."

"But when I watched that I started slavering like a rabid cherry [Cherry Hogg, dog]."

"I'm fackin' Hank Marvin [starving] now."

"And respect to Xanadu's hat."

"That's the best titfa [tit-for-tat, hat] I've seen in ages."

"Top eating and compering all round."

"Bloody hell, I'm well hungry."

It appears that the Champ did indeed head to New Jersey on Sunday for the Annual Springfield Patriot Fall Festival Hot Dog Eating Contest after all.

Sadly, though, he fell slightly short of his 25 HDB target, finishing with a gob count of 21 in the allocated eight minutes.

We just hope that he wasn't trying to get away from all the other gurgitators he'd been up against the previous day because the Springfield anything-goes all-you-can-eater also attracted the likes of Xanadu, Wayneywonder, Tiger Wings and Things and the Bear, who ultimately won the event with a total tummy tally of 39.

"I was very happy with my number," the Bear tweets the Rake & Herald in yet another world exclusive.

"I was shooting for 45 in 10 and would have passed that," he continues.

"All I want now is a big bowl of fibre."

Full details regarding the event remain a tad scant, although we understand via the Champ, the Bear and Eat Feats that the Top Six looked something like this:

1) Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald (39 hot dogs and buns; $2,000);

2) Dave 'Tiger Wings and Things' Brunelli (27; $500);

3) Stephanie 'Xanadu' Torres (24; $250);

4) Will 'the Champ' Millender (21; $150);

5) Pat 'from Moonachie' Philbin (20; $100); and

6) Wayne "Wayneywonder" Algenio (19).

Big respect to all who took part even if we haven't listed you above.

As previously stated, it's nothing personal, we just don't have your details.

While searching for more information on the event, though, we did happen to learn that Springfield now boasts a new walkway in Patriot Park that leads to a very fetching clock.

Whether this was how they timed the chowdown, we don't honestly know but we think it looks very nice.

Go on, have a clock of it yourself here, why dontcha?

The new walkway, by the way, is roughly 2.4 m wide and approximately 13.7 m long.

A grand opening is expected to take place soon.

Right, gotta go.

I'm talking about walkways.

See also Rookie Bear now indie number two, posted 30/9/12.


1) Do not drink perfume no matter how desperate you are for alcohol. Stick to Special Brew, Super T or Kestrel Super. They taste much better and are far less likely to poison you, kill you or make your tongue smell like a tart's boudoir. FACT. You have been warned. Stick to the nine-percenters. They're much better.

(Update 16/10/12)

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