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Bear tops APE rankings

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted July 11, 2013
jamie the bear mcdonald tops ape rankings
Gurgitatory greats: The Bear (centre) and Todd Greenwald (right in red jacket). © APE

All Pro Eating names Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald its top-ranked eater and announces string of forthcoming food fights.

In news we really should've run a while back but didn't due to being haunted by a poltergeist, besieged by armed police and then getting beamed aboard an alien spaceship (from where I currently write this), Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald has been proclaimed as All Pro Eating's (APE) numero uno gustatory gladiator.

As such the still technically new APE Top 12 looks something like this:

1) Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald;

2) Eric 'Silo' Dahl;

3) Stephanie 'Xanadu' Torres;

4) 'Gentleman' Joe Menchetti;

5) Will 'the Champ' Millender;

6) Michael 'Munchin' Mike' Longo;

7) Chris 'the Mad Greek' Abatsas;

8) Mike 'the Real Skinny' Hoffman;

9) Joel 'the Cannon' Podelsky;

10) Ernie 'the Mansfield Monster' Clifton;

11) Jay 'the Gormonster' Gorman; and

12) Ian 'the Invader' Hickman.

Hats off to all, we say, especially Joel 'the Cannon' Podelsky, who, in addition to his numerous alimentary achievements, has also shed a shedload of weight: 104 lbs (47.2 kg) in 55 weeks to be precise.

That's almost as much as Sonya 'the Black Widow' Thomas weighs.

Fair bloody play, sir!

Trust me, we are well impressed, especially as all we seem to do is put weight on.

We don't know your secret, but clearly our kebab-plan diet isn't working.

Perhaps we should switch to eating nothing but super peas instead.

Who knows?

Answers on a postcard, please.

jamie the bear mcdonald about to set new record
About to pounce: The Bear prepares to give some grub a mauling. © APE

Anyway, no disrespect to the rest of APE's glorious gamut of gurgitatory greats, but the Bear's top-place ranking probably shouldn't come as too much of a shock anyone and not just because it was announced yonks back.

After all, back in January, the Bear was named by APE as the World's Number One Independent Competitive Eater after notching up a rookie year in 2012 that saw him winning five straight APE-sanctioned eating championships in a row on top of a further 60 or so non-APE-sanctioned consumption contests and challenges1.

"Jamie has clearly established himself as the man to beat at every competitive eating championship where he is at and at every table where he eats," APE chairman Todd Greenwald states in a press release we've probably quoted before and will likely quote again on account of a) it being a very good press release and b) us being a bunch of hacks.

"His Herculean strength is unmatched and his Zeus-like appetite has not been seen for ages."

"I say let the naysayers fuel his motivation as he plans to make 2013 an epic year that will surely be one for the record books."

"Although Jamie is known as the Bear, he brings the 'Eye of the Tiger' to every competitive eating championship that he attends and is clearly ready to prove that any discussion of competitive eating should include his name."

Since that press release was published, Jamie has, among other things, gone on to win the APE-sanctioned Second Annual EL AL Israel Airlines National Hamantaschen Eating Championship in Noi Yoik (24/2/13) with a new record of scoffing 48 of these traditional filled pastry/biscuit jobbies in 5 minutes while also setting a new APE apple pie record of 9.5 lbs in 6 minutes, something he achieved this past May 20 at the 2013 Thunder Valley Casino Resort World Apple Pie Eating Record Event in Lincoln, California.

"The apple pie exhibition was awesome," the Bear exclusively twitterises the Rake & Herald.

"Thunder Valley did an amazing job setting it up."

"I was shooting for 8 lbs in 6 minutes so [I] was very happy with 9.5."

And who could blame him?

Not us, that's for sure.

Furthermore, just six days after wolfing down all that pie (26/5/13), the Bear amassed $700 (£464) when he powered his way to victory at the APE-sanctioned Riders 4 Relief National Onion Ring Eating Championship in Coshocton, Ohio with a record-breaking gut count of 6.73 lbs in 8 minutes.

"The sponsor and town were great and it was in support of a very worthwhile charity," the Bear exclusively emailiates the Rake & Herald a few days later.

"Onion rings were not an easy food."

"That amount of fried food is difficult and the texture is not consistent, so some are crunchy and brittle while others are soft and chewy."

As a result, he says, it can be "hard to get into a rhythm".

"It was a perfect day in Coshocton," Todd also informs the Rake & Herald via an equally exclusive emailification.

"It seemed as though there was a gravitational pull between the onion rings presented to the food warriors and their empty stomachs."

"Although there was only one winner, I firmly believe that the day proved that every competitive eater that participated is unique in their ability to harness the invisible power of hunger."

"Jamie proved that he is a record-breaking and record-setting gourmand whose main goal is to win."

"I believe what he has done thus far in 2013 will be recorded in competitive eating history for a very long time, including this new national onion ring eating record."

And it wasn't just the digestional gymnasts and organisers who were impressed either, with one spectator heard to say: "Watching these eaters devour onion rings brought me tears of joy, which has never happened before when I have been around onions."

This we can well believe.

As we've already run the hamantaschen results, we can't be arsed to chunk them out again.

However, here's the Top Four from the onion rings bash as kindly supplied to us by APE.

1) Jamie 'the Bear' McDonald (6.73 lbs of onion rings in 8 minutes; $700 and a trophy);

2) Ernie 'the Mansfield Monster' Clifton (4.12 lbs; $500);

3) Pete 'Big Plate' Maurizio (4.05 lbs; $200); and

4) Stephanie 'Xanadu' Torres (4 lbs).

all pro eating logo
All-star eaters: The APE logo. © APE

So why are we telling you this now and not sodding weeks ago?

Well, like I said a few sentences back, we were a bit busy with ghosts, gunfights and alien abductions and the like.

Honestly, keep up for f--k's sake.

Bloody hell, you're slow.

Anyway, APE has also now announced a load of upcoming chowdowns so we thought we'd craftily tie it all together in one article and then pass it off as news.

After all, that's what the media does all the time.

Seriously, get a job on a newspaper if you don't believe me.

OK, so a couple of the gobathons were also announced ages back but give us a break.

Bloody Nora, we try our best.

And that ain't easy when you've got a permanent hangover.

Now what was I saying?

Oh, yeah.

This Sunday (14/7/13 and Bastille Day in France) will see various APE eating machines flocking to Lake Quassy in Connecticut for the Twelfth Annual Royal Caribbean Bakery and Caribbean Food Delights National Caribbean Food Eating Championships.

Described by APE as "one of the longest running Eating Championships in the entire world", this particular day of expert engorgement will not only feature the National Bun & Cheese Eating Championship, but also the National Beef Patty Eating Championship to boot.

Both events will award $400 to the winner, with $200 and $100 going to the second- and third-placed gurgitators, respectively.

Then, on Friday, August 2, the Bangor State Fair in Maine will be the setting for the National Lobster Roll Eating Championship, which APE asserts is "one of the most delicious eating championships sanctioned in the world" and which will see the Top Three eaters taking home respective prizes of $700, $500 and $200.

After that on Saturday, August 31, the Tenth Annual Taste of Hamburg-er Festival in Hamburg, Pennsylvania will play home to the Taste of Hamburg-er Festival National Hamburger Eating Championship.

Organised by Red Robin Gourmet Burgers, this particular bouche battle will witness the top gob on the day waltzing off with wonga to the tune of $900, while $500 has been earmarked for the silver medallist, $250 for the bronze medallist and $100 and $50 for whoever places fourth and fifth.

Brass and aluminium medallists, we guess.

Anyway, once all that's been ingested, digested and subsequently egested, the Second Annual Mushroom Festival National Fried Mushroom Eating Championship will commence in Kennett Square, Pennsylvania on Saturday, September 7, with a first-placed booty of $800 up for grabs and $400 and $200 for second and third.

Meanwhile, the highest-placed male and female amateurs will also bag $200 apiece.

Saturday, September 21, on the other hand, will be remembered as the day that the Ian's Pizza National Pizza Eating Championship was convened in Madison, Wisconsin.

As for the prizes, well the premier pizza pummeller will pocket $1,000 while the next four will sequentially land lucre worth $700, $400, $100 and $50, which they can then put towards buying petrol and/or plane tickets so they can hightail it over to Clarence, Noi Yoik for the Great Pumpkin Farm 2013 World Hands-Free Pumpkin Pie Eating Championship on Sunday, September 29.

As with the former face-stuffing fest, there's $1,000 with the highest scoring engobulator's name on it, accompanied by prizes of $500, $250 and $50 for second, third and fourth.

Of course, the beauty of this particular mouth mêlée is that you don't need to wash your hands before, during or after.

Which is great news if, like Rake & Herald fashion editor, London cabbie and self-appointed competitive eating pundit Kok 'Bloody' Wang, you have a total aversion to personal hygiene.

The disgusting sack of shit.

But I digress, for on Saturday, October 26, the supreme scarfer at the Second Bierhaus NYC National Oktoberfest Bratwurst Eating Championship in Noi Yoik, Noi Yoik will rack up beer tokens with a street value of $750 while the second-, third- and fourth-placed brat bashers will each earn themselves $500, $250 and $100 that they can then spunk at the bar on booze.

Not bad, eh?

Oktoberfest rocks.

As do bratwursts.

For more details on the abovementioned mastication matches, including how to register and the like, get yourself over to the APE website just as soon as you've finished reading this fan-bloody-tastic and highly informative article.

Which should be about now really.

So what are you waiting for?

Get registering right this minute.

Just remember to give us a cut of the winnings, though.

We reckon 60:40 sounds fair, providing that the 60% slice heads our way in a manila envelope, no questions asked.

And good luck!

Right, gotta go.

Nurse Draper's nearly finished giving Kok his anal probe and I wanna go through his wallet before she cuts him loose.

He'll be dunging everywhere if I don't get in quick.

Man, I never knew you could do that with a set of encyclopaedias.

Poked out four of his teeth, apparently.

Big, big thanks to both Todd and the Bear for their exclusive quotes. Apologies for the delay in running them, sirs. Blame Kok, the dozy twunt. He screws everything up.

See also Nathan's and more, posted 6/7/13.

To fully understand why Nurse Draper has been giving Kok an anal probe, make sure you read Sixty-nine bloody hot dogs!!!, posted 5/7/13.

Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that FaceBook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.


1) The APE-sanctioned events the Bear won last year were as follows: the National Hamburger Eating Championship; the National Fried Mushroom Eating Championship; the National Peach Fried Pie Eating Championship; the National Oktoberfest Bratwurst Eating Championship; and the World Hands-Free Pumpkin Pie Eating Championship. At each event, he established a new APE eating record. Not bad, eh? Meanwhile, to have a gander at all (or pretty much all) the Bear's 2012 achievements, have a click of this.

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