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EATING & DRINKING

A return to the Cold War

By editorial assistant Sandi Toxic

Posted February 22, 2013
ice cream eating
Brain freezer: Some ice cream yesterday. (Check bottom for credit)

Hot dogs and burgers are one thing, but how much ice cream can you shove down your gob against the clock?


At 16:00 EST yesterday (21/2/13), Major League Eating (MLE) opened the registration process for the Magnify Credit Union World Ice Cream Eating Championship, a six-minute all-you-can-eat gobathon itself slated to commence at 16:00 EST this coming April 6.

To be staged at the Joker Marchant Stadium in Lakeland, Florida, the championship, so the MLE website states, "will be the featured event for the Florida Ice Cream Festival", which is billed as being "an original, old fashioned neighbourhood event".

Whatever that means.

Hopefully, it won't be anything like the 1911 Siege of Sidney Street.

Churchill sent the troops in for that particular old fashioned neighbourhood event.

No idea whether there was any ice cream, though.

Or a total purse of $4,300 (£2,820), of which the most glorious gurgitator on the day will scoop themselves a big dollop of dollars worth a cool 2k.

But don't think they won't have to work for it.

"Those who have never competed in this discipline will quickly learn that it is not easy!" MLE says.

"Success in this event will require jaw strength and capacity, plus the ability to mentally push through the inevitable bouts of brain freeze that will occur during the contest."

Indeed, this chompers-chilling chowdown will be a contest "of mind and body".

"Who wants it the most?"

"Is it you?"

"Compete!"

"Watch!"

"Be there!" MLE suggests.


BLAST FROM THE PAST
From a quick root round the excellent Eat Feats database, it appears that the last time MLE sanctioned an ice cream eating extravaganza was back in May 2006.

At that particular bash, the GoldenPalace.net World Ice Cream Eating Championship in Manhattan, Noi Yoik, Chicago-based unicorn enthusiast Patrick 'Deep Dish' Bertoletti glovelessly guzzled 1.75 gallons (6.6 litres) to grab gold and guilder also grossing two grand American.

Coming a close second for silver was Rake & Herald culture editor DJ NRG Raver's favourite alimentary athlete Crazy Legs Conti, who necked 1.5 gallons to wangle wonga with a wight woyal walue of $1,000.

Meanwhile, Rake & Herald fashion editor Kok Wang's main man and belching hero Tim 'Eater X' Janus brought home the bronze and $750 for gulletising 1.25 gallons, with Don 'Moses' Lerman landing lucre of a quarter large for finishing fourth with 0.92 gallons down his throat.

But who will win this year's ice cream clash?

Who knows?

However, one man who certainly knows what it's like to shovel shed loads of shivery sugary milky stuff down his shoutbox at supersonic speed is Californian competitive eater Matt 'Sweet Tooth' Cohen, who recently appeared on an episode of NBC's 1st Look to take on the mighty Chunk-N-Chip Tower Challenge in Yorba Linda, California.


mushroom clouds
Give peace an ice cream: Different flavours produce different sized mushroom clouds. (Check bottom for credit)


COLDER THAN A WELL DIGGER'S ASS
Also known as Tang's Tower, the Chunk-N-Chip Tower Challenge appears to have physically grown in stature over the years1 and now consists of seven large cookies; six generous scoops of ice cream; and six different toppings.

As the name suggests, this is all sandwiched together to produce a monstrous phallus of a tower not that much shorter than the Fernsehturm in Berlin.

Intimidating in itself but here's the rub.

You have to eat the lot in just three minutes or else it self-destructs with the explosive energy of 58 megatons of TNT.

Oh, hang on.

That's wrong.

Sorry.

For some reason I always get confused between ice cream and atom bombs.

I think it's because they both begin with a G.

Anyway, the Tower, which is not explosive in any way whatsoever, unless you're talking brain freeze or you have incredibly sensitive teeth, is anything but a push-over.

You see, while hickory smoked brown sugar candied bacon is presently one of the various topping options available to the intrepid challenger, hot tea or boiling water isn't.

As such, anyone looking to take on the Tower, which we must stress doesn't for one minute employ any form of Teller-Ulam three-stage thermonuclear device, is going to have to chomp through a fair old whack of frozen dairy produce.

However, although there is clearly no danger of hydrogen fusion or uranium fission occurring, it's not just the ice cream itself that can be an issue.

As they languor in layers under all that ice-cold milky goodness, the biscuit jobbies are also inclined to freeze hard like the permafrost of the Siberian tundra during a particularly chilly nuclear winter.

All in all, despite being completely useless as part of a Cold War deterrent based on mutually assured destruction, the Tower in its present form is nonetheless a pretty tricky cabbage to pickle, which is probably why only one person so far has succeeded in bolting the bugger in the allotted time.

Sadly, that person isn't Sweet Tooth.


VALIANT EFFORT
Despite his explosive efforts that caused a mushroom cloud to billow 56 km (34.8 miles) up into the atmosphere, those pesky meddling biscuits proved his undoing.

But only just, for Sweet Tooth, we can report, came within a gnat's bawhair of toppling the Tower only to be narrowly pipped at the post by that fickle strumpet called time.

Or something.

But it takes more than a load of rock-hard cookies to break Sweet Tooth's spirit.

In fact, he seems to have rather enjoyed the whole experience.

"Eating excess amounts of ice cream quickly can only be described as shagadelic, baby!" he exclusively tweets the Rake & Herald.

What's more, he's already lined up a rematch in "late March".

"Tang's Tower will crumble next meet-up!" he asserts.

And you know what, our money says it will too.

But in the meantime, why not put your feet up and watch the gogglebox?

Don't worry, it's not the four-minute warning, a re-run of Threads or even The Day After with John Lithgow in it.

Oh no, what we invite you to watch right now from the safety of your nuclear bunker as ice-cream fall-out descends from above to render the planet an inhospitable wasteland of mutant boils and cankers is the actual broadcast footage of Sweet Tooth taking on the Tower of Tang, although why it's on NBC Connecticut when the challenge took place in California is a puzzle we'll probably never fathom.

Geography, eh?

What's all that about?


View more videos at: http://nbcconnecticut.com.




Right, gotta go.

Need to eat some frozen peas.


STOP PRESS: VIDEO UPDATE



Flipping ace!

Sweet Tooth has just alerted us to some behind-the-scenes footage on his YouTube channel that shows the full Chunk-N-Chip Tower Challenge in its entirety.

So, without further ado, here it is.

Nice one, Sweet Tooth!





To find out more about registering for the Magnify Credit Union World Ice Cream Eating Championship and the cash prizes on offer, have a click of this. Meanwhile, you can follow Sweet Tooth on Facebook here and Twitter here but certainly don't forget to check out his challenge-tastic toothsome YouTube channel 'cos it's flippin' ace. Top eating, Sweet Tooth, and all the best for the March rematch when that Tower will tumble!


Do you like our Sandi's scribblings? If so, why not befriend her on that Facebook thing? We don't let her out much, see, preferring instead to shackle her to her desk inside an indestructible cage (it's actually a Perspex box with a couple of air holes stabbed into it with a chisel). As such, she's terribly lonely and unloved. Please find it in your heart to help her before her constant whining drives us to kill her with a sharpened curtain rod. Remember, Sandi's life is in YOUR hands so get 'friending', or whatever the trendy modern verb is. Please. She's just started crying again.


Footnote

1) Tang's Tower was apparently shorter in the past. Well, that's what it seems like from reading this ace blog entry by Naader 'Freak8r' Reda from before he joined the Rake & Herald as competitive eating editor.


Picture credits

Top and thumb: Some Chunky Monkey ice cream by Don.chulio.

Bottom: A nuclear cloud height/yield graph by Anynobody.

For licensing information click the above links.


(Update same day)




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