Saturday March 25, 2017
Carved in stone: A rake and herald yesterday. © Ignatius Rake
And welcome to the International Rake and Herald, to give it its full and fancy title but here on in referred to simply as the Rake & Herald for reasons of brevity and typing. But what, you may well be asking, is the Rake & Herald?
IN A NUTSHELL
Good question! I like your style. Well, in a nutshell, the Rake & Herald is a Cornish international news service that covers whatever takes our fancy, really. That said, key beats includes music, art, forteana, competitive eating, beer, pubs, food, world travel, popular culture and cooking with crisps.
But there's more to it than just that because our award-worthy coverage combines factual news reporting with (primarily) Cornish, British and Irish humour. However, unlike all those other humour websites out there, the bulk of our stories are genuine bona fide news items albeit reported with two fingers raised to the mainstream media, with all its sham glamour, propaganda, lies, mistruths, gloss, dross, dreck and urban-centric smugness.
Thus, with the exception of a few satirical spoofs and some fake clickbait piss-takes, the vast majority of what you will read on the Rake & Herald consists of actual factual news, reviews and interviews written and/or edited by fully accredited professional UK journalists.
So, if we report that Matt 'Megatoad' Stonie has won Nathan's or that Drenge have released a new album or that US craft beer production has increased 16% year-on-year, you can rest assured that he, they or it has. However, as is our wont, we may well sprinkle that reporting with a load of jokes and/or surrealist imagery. Why? Because we can.
At no point, though, are we seeking to be a satirical site, such as the excellent Onion, Daily Mash or Cornish News, where all the stories published are spoofs ultimately written for comedic (if biting) effect. Furthermore, we also have a very serious side, as clearly evidenced here, here and here, for example, with not all our writers seeking to raise even the slightest smile or smirk.
We realise that some readers have difficulty comprehending all this because they have probably never worked in a newsroom environment and longed to pepper their copy with sarky remarks and the like, which is essentially what we are doing. Yes, that's right, we are actually living that dream!
Perhaps, if the Rake & Herald really must be pigeonholed, it could best be described as honest churnalism. However, if that still means nothing to you, think Newsnight meets Have I Got News for You but with a bit more music and reporters largely from Cornwall (not to mention the rest of the UK, Éire, the US, Canada, Poland and Venezuela among others).
Ultimately, some people get it. Others don't. We care little either way. Now please read on if you want...
TITLE & STAFF
The Rake & Herald is the brainchild of former punk rock fanzine writers AC89 and Ignatius Rake. As well as being a hat tip to Hogarth, its title is also a tongue-in-cheek salute to the now seemingly bombastic but once common practice of naming publications after their proprietors, something still continued today by our main brand rivals Wisden and Forbes. (We consider ourselves a little more upmarket than both, of course.)
As for its staff, the Rake & Herald is produced by an independent collective of Cornish and non-Cornish freelance journalists; writers; editors; web designers; geographers; artists; filmmakers; forteans; musicians; stand-up comedians; drinkers; gamblers; psychologists; lounge lizards; bar flies and other assorted lowlifes. Unfettered by the shackles of place and space, they are located all over the physical world and far, far beyond to boot. Some contribute more obviously and/or regularly than others but all have superhuman qualities beyond compare. What's more, as freelancers most if not all are available for hire. To find out more, please email us. Have pen, will hack.
(In no particular order)
Eternal editor: AC89
Chief hack: Ignatius Rake
Executive editor: Herr Wolfgang Bang
Web editor: Mr Wahaxah
Culture editor: DJ NRG Raver
Deputy chief hack: Charles L'Amour
Competitive eating editor: Naader 'Freak8r' Reda
Engobulation editor: Tracy 'Mmm Mmm' Goode
R&H rear fleet admiral: David 'Papi' Duke
R&H poet laureate: Owen Jenkins
Media & marketing editor: Tabor Creative
Music editor: Nicky Liar
Fortean editor: Raven Akki
Booze editor: Dr Miltov Lamprey (struck off)
Local soak: Marcus Keeley
R&H taxi columnist: Sherbet Trotter
R&H professor: Mr Swellmons
Steve Auto of Point Blank Poznan: Steve Auto of Point Blank Poznan
Rugged pre-op outdoors type: Quim Dexter
Health and fitness editor: Neil 'Glutton Number One' Thomas
Guest blogger: Jill Matthews
St Austell editor: Turd Lemsip
Pretender to the Swedish crown: Lomgard Uttatoss
Arts editor: Quentin Darling-Pseud
Limericks editor: Mr Slarnder of Dorset
Food editor: Pierre Gunka
Michelin tyre master chef: Gus King
Racing editor: Pesco Greko
Crime editor: Dick Rampant
Philosophy editor: Lee Full-Chamber
Religious affairs/football editor: The Reverend Marcus Trepanning
Medieval monarch: The Good Lady
Fashion editor: Kok Wang
Film editor: Gert Stonkers
TV critic: Art Brut
Science & technology editor: Suzi Quantreau
Wendy Clitoris: Wendy Clitoris
Pedant with an atlas: Dickrat Clockweight
Poetry editor: Godfrey Hardcore
Crisp magnet & expert on everything: Daryl Terr'd
Resident gastronaut: John Blokker
Muso tosser: Dirk Spangler
Official R&H reporters: Corey 'King Voodoo' Fanguy and Robb 'Pizza Punisher' Zipp
Consultative editors: Sylwia; Lucy; Frankie Pants; Sir Pandy Mallagh MP
Eternal Senior Fact Checker: Gitmouse
Marketing manager: Randy Gutstick III
Editorial assistant: Sandi Toxic
Unpaid work-experience monkey: Terri Juggs
Bearded hipster twat no one can stand: Archibald Scrotum
The Rake & Herald is the world's primary source of news and facts. The views and opinions expressed within the pages of this website are solely those of the individual contributor concerned and may not necessarily reflect those of the reader. Or the editorial board as a whole, come to think of it.
Either way, the Rake & Herald is apolitical and intends to remain so. Neither do we receive money or similar incentives or gifts from any business, religious or ideological entities or pressure/interest groups etc. In fact, we don't receive any money from anyone. Bastards.
We adhere to a strict copyright policy whereby we only use our own original material; material that has been released into the public domain or has been freely licensed for public use, including vids and the like on YouTube or Vimeo, etc (hey, we're cheapskates); or material licensed or otherwise submitted to us, such as under our exclusive arrangements with the Paris-based Fontaine des Conneries (FDC) press agency and the Polish Centralna Regionalna Agencja Prasowa (CRAP). Oh yeah, and the odd press release if we like it. (Hey, we're hacks. Where do you think 90% of mainstream news stories come from anyway? Rip and read, dude. Rip and read.)
To fully understand our attitude and policy towards press releases, please read this.
We may also use the odd photo that people have posted up on the interweb, eg on FaceBook or Twitter etc, but we will always do our best to include an appropriate credit. Please note that where a photo or picture has not been credited by us in any way whatsoever, it is because it comes from the public domain (and more than likely sourced from this fan-flippin'-ace website here).
The sole exception to this concerns title graphics, such as this or this, for example. All such title graphics are the work of yours truly, viz Ignatius Rake, and use either my own original (and therefore copyrighted) images, original images supplied by the contributors in question (who are therefore the copyright holders of any such elements), reworked images from the public domain or a combination thereof.
We take copyright very seriously. Thus should you feel that we have somehow infringed upon your copyright, please email us and we shall endeavour to resolve the matter as quickly and as amicably as possible.
Meanwhile, if you want to use any of our material, whether graphical or textual, please email us first or at least include a credit and, where possible, a hyperlink to the Rake & Herald. If you're going to use our stuff for commercial or political purposes, such as nabbing one of our photos for an advert for horse repellent or what have you, we will require a cut of the wedge you make/stand to make so have your wallet ready. We might also refuse to let you use our stuff depending on what you intend to do with it, especially if it is for political or ideological purposes. Got that? Good.
We are happy to receive submissions. However, any submitted material must be original and must not infringe the copyright of a third party. If we like what you send us, we'll run it. Otherwise, we won't, although just because we don't run something doesn't mean we don't like it. We might simply have mislaid it or forgotten about it. Hey, a few of us are mortals, you know. Get used to it.
Importantly, we reserve the right to edit any submissions. This covers everything, including press releases and marketing materials, and encompasses the rewriting/redrafting of any text and/or the tarting up or rejigging of any photographs or artwork, etc.
However, we will credit you (including stating the name of the person or organisation that issues a press release) unless you specifically state that you or your organisation want to remain anonymous or you or your organisation simply do not inform us of your name within three months of a submission being received.
Regarding press releases, please remember that we are under no obligation to market your product(s), event(s), services(s), belief(s), etc for you. We are NOT part of your marketing department. Our obligation is to inform and entertain our readers.
Please be aware that while we are a news website, we have a strong focus on HUMOUR. As such, and as stated above, while the vast majority of our stories are genuine news items, a few are made up for a laugh. Yep, THE BULK OF OUR STORIES ARE GENUINE BONA FIDE NEWS ITEMS BUT SOME OF THEM ARE MADE UP FOR A LAUGH.
To put this into context, one esteemed reader described us as being "like Comedy Central but with facts", which was nice of them. Mind you, somebody else called us "a bunch of assholes", so take your pick, really.
While we strive to check our email regularly, we are generally rather busy and/or lazy so don't expect an immediate reply even if your email is very important and marked as urgent. We might be stuck in a jungle somewhere or in the midst of a three-week bender in Belgium. Probably the latter. Please bear this in mind. We travel a lot, we drink a lot and we don't always have interweb access.
That said, this is our email address:
As chief hack, Ignatius Rake is the person to contact.
Please note that the Rake & Herald in no way advocates, condones, supports or encourages criminal activities. Any such activities alluded to as being committed by any of our writers in any of our stories are so included SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSES OF COMEDY, HUMOUR AND SATIRE AND NOTHING ELSE WHATSOEVER. We accept no responsibility for individuals or organisations that fail to understand THAT WE ARE JOKING when, for example, Sandi Toxic says she stole a car or put a load of bacon up her jumper in Tesco's.
Just to reiterate and to make it perfectly clear, WE DO NOT ADVOCATE, CONDONE, SUPPORT OR ENCOURAGE ANY ACTS OF CRIMINALITY, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO VIOLENCE, THEFT, BLACKMAIL OR STICKING FIREWORKS UP YOUR ARSE. Got that? Good.
Likewise, Miltov Lamprey is NOT A REAL DOCTOR. Therefore, NOTHING ATTRIBUTED TO HIM ON THIS WEBSITE SHOULD BE CONSIDERED, INTERPRETED AS OR MISTAKEN FOR PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL ADVICE. IT'S NOT!!!
Also, because we swear a bit, bang on about drinking and use a lot of rude slang from around the world, this website is probably not suitable for people under the age of 18. Not that there's any scud on here, mind. Nah, we just enjoy the language of Chaucer and get potty mouthed after a few scoops of loudmouth soup. And who bleedin' don't, eh? I know I fackin' do.
LASTLY BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEASTLY
Thank you for visiting the Rake & Herald. We sincerely hope you enjoy your time here and that you find our material both entertaining and informative. If you do indeed enjoy what you read, see and/or hear here, please do come again.
We would also greatly appreciate it if you shared what you like on the Rake & Herald with your family, friends, colleagues, servants and random strangers and the like; 'liked' us on FaceBook; and followed us on Twitter. Of course, if you don't, that is purely up to you and I promise we won't go all wobbly and start crying. However, like I say, we would greatly appreciate it if you did.
Anyway, thanks again for the visit(s) and all the very best. Hope to see you again here soon and please do bring your family and friends next time if you haven't done so already. The more the merrier, eh?
Lots of love and kisses
Kedhla hag didhana!
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